Sunday Family Humour 25th November

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

Thanks to Frans R.

* Pasta had not been invented.

* Curry was an unknown entity.

* Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet

* Spices came from the Middle East where we believed that they were used for embalming

* Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.

* A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

* A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

* Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

* The only vegetables known to us were spuds, peas, carrots and cabbage,

anything else was regarded as being a bit suspicious.

* All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.

* Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and brown sauce if we were lucky.

* Soft drinks were called pop.

* Coke was something that we mixed with coal to make it last longer.

* A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

* Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

* A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

* A Pizza Hut was an Italian shed.

* A microwave was something out of a science fiction movie.

* Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

* Oil was for lubricating your bike not for cooking, fat was for cooking

* Bread and jam was a treat.

* Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves, not bags.

* The tea cosy was the forerunner of all the energy saving devices that we hear so much about today.

* Tea had only one colour, black. Green tea was not British.

* Coffee was only drunk when we had no tea….. and then it was Camp, and came in a bottle.

* Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

* Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but no one ever ate them.

* Sweets and confectionery were called toffees.

* Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.

* Black puddings were mined in Bolton Lancashire.

* Jellied eels were peculiar to Londoners.

* Salad cream was a dressing for salads, mayonnaise did not exist

* Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.

* The starter was our main meal.

* Soup was a main meal.

* The menu consisted of what we were given, and was set in stone.

* Only Heinz made beans, any others were impostors.

* Leftovers went in the dog.

* Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.

* Sauce was either brown or red.

* Fish was only eaten on Fridays.

* Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

* Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

* Ready meals only came from the fish and chip shop.

* For the best taste fish and chips had to be eaten out of old newspapers.

* Frozen food was called ice cream.

* Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.

* Ice cream only came in one colour and one flavour.

* None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

* Jelly and blancmange was only eaten at parties.

* If we said that we were on a diet, we simply got less.

* Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

* Healthy food had to have the ability to stick to your ribs.

* Calories were mentioned but they had nothing at all to do with food.

* The only criteria concerning the food that we ate were ... did we like it and could we afford it.

* People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy so and so’s.

* Indian restaurants were only found in India .

* A seven course meal had to last a week.

* Brunch was not a meal.

* Cheese only came in a hard lump.

* If we had eaten bacon lettuce and tomato in the same sandwich we would have been certified

* A bun was a small cake back then.

* A tart was a fruit filled pastry, not a lady of horizontal pleasure.

* The word" Barbie" was not associated with anything to do with food.

* Eating outside was called a picnic.

* Cooking outside was called camping.

* Seaweed was not a recognised food.

* Offal was only eaten when we could afford it.

* Eggs only came fried or boiled.

* Hot cross buns were only eaten at Easter time.

* Pancakes were only eaten on Pancake Tuesday - in fact in those days it was compulsory.

* "Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.

* Hot dogs were a type of sausage that only the Americans ate.

* Cornflakes had arrived from America but it was obvious that they would never catch on.

* The phrase "boil in the bag" would have been beyond our realms of comprehension.

* The idea of "oven chips" would not have made any sense at all to us.

* The world had not yet benefited from weird and wonderful things

like Pot Noodles, Instant Mash and Pop Tarts.

* We bought milk and cream at the same time in the same bottle.

* Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

* Lettuce and tomatoes in winter were just a rumour.

* Most soft fruits were seasonal except perhaps at Christmas.

* Prunes were medicinal.

* Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days, it was called cattle feed.

* Turkeys were definitely seasonal.

* Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

* We didn't eat Croissants in those days because we couldn't pronounce them,

we couldn't spell them and we didn't know what they were.

* We thought that Baguettes were a serious problem the French needed to deal with.

* Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never used to flavour bread.

* Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging treble for it

they would have become a laughing stock.

* Food hygiene was all about washing your hands before meals.

* Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and Botulism were all called "food poisoning."

* The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties …. elbows.

I'm ready for winter

Thanks to Tony

Two Wheel Record

Thanks to Tony

Fifty "Sheds" Of Grey

Thanks to Tony H.

The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes.

Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden.

Here are some extracts...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall...

but in the end we both came to the conclusion near the lemon tree was the only place for a garden shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.

“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”

So I took her to Bunning’s.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.

I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot please.

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.

But she still manages to get into the shed

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.

“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.

“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”

So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”

“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua ?”

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.

Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my carrot crop had finally come up

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.

“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.

“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.

“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.”

She nodded.

“Okay,” I said, selling her three-piece lounge suite on eBay.

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”

“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

No Two Alike (N2A)

Thanks to Ray O'.

This car was built by N2A motors (No Two Alike). Cost is $40,000 over the cost of a new Corvette C6 (MSRP $44,000). Unbelievable! The company is planning a production run of about 100 vehicles. It sits on a Corvette C6 chassis, front styled like a 57 Chevy, side like a 58, rear like a 59. Hence the designation "789".

Trust me, I'm an engineer

Thanks to Tony H.

ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

Thanks to Paul S.

John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in

Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to

"Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to

"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit

Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody

Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"

warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's

get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the

reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for

the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its

terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in

France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by

a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively

paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"

to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:

"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful

Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also

have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only

threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to

deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new

Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"

to "She'll be right." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I

think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie

is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last

final escalation level.

A final thought: "Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting

aggressive, and Rome is in disarray.

Welcome back to 430 BC.