Sunday Family Humour 20th May

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons humour for all the family


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A Woman's Week at the Gym

Thanks to Tony H.

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I  purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.  Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile.  Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!  It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom.  He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor.  If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.  I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!


The Great Wall of China

Thanks to Lee.

Here are 52 pictures of the Great Wall of China
...5000 miles long...
construction began in the 7th century BC and most of it completed by 200 BC. 
All hand built in remote areas with no machinery. 
Amazing! 

Great Wall.pps



Cheetahs and Reindeer

Thanks to Ray M.

Photographer Michel Denis-Huot, who captured these amazing pictures on safari in Kenya's Masai Mara in October last year, said he was astounded by what he saw:

"These three brothers (cheetahs) have been living together since they left their mother at about 18 months old,' he said. 'On the morning we saw them, they seemed not to be hungry, walking quickly but stopping sometimes to play together. 'At one point, they met a group of impala who ran away. But one youngster was not quick enough and the brothers caught it easily'."

These extraordinary scenes followed.

 

Three Cheetahs 1
 
Three Cheetahs 2

See... We CAN all get along!!!

Three Cheetahs 3
  and then they just walked away without hurting him...

STREET GANGS IN CALGARY , ALBERTA

  It's gangs like these that the people of Calgary have to put up with.

A bit different from the problems in other cities...

It proves that every City has it’s own "unique" gang problems. They roam the streets and yards night and day.

They hang out in even the best neighborhoods!

 

..and you CANNOT (legally) stop them.

street gangs 1


street gangs 2

Those are some lawn ornaments!!!


street gangs 3
street gangs 4
street gangs 5
  AREN'T THEY MAGNIFICENT !!!!???


A Glass Of Red Wine

Thanks to David H.

Red Wine



Great Mechanical Principles

Thanks to Tony H.

Here are 9 great mechanical principles and inventions, which show the greatness of the human mind.
Simple animation to explain complex principles:
1: Aircraft Radial Engine


mechanicals 1



2: Oval Regulation

mechanicals 2


3: Sewing Machines
mechanicals 3


4: Malta Cross movement -
Second hand movement used to control the clock
mechanicals 4



5: Auto Change file mechanism
mechanicals 5


6: Auto Constant Velocity Universal Joint

mechanicals 6


7: Gun Ammunition loading system
mechanicals 7

8: Rotary Engine - an internal combustion engine, the heat rather than the piston movement into rotary movement
mechanicals 8


9: Boxter Engine - it's cylinders lined up side by side
mechanicals 9




Alaska
Thanks to Lee

ALASkA.pps



Spread the Stupidity

Thanks to Tony H.
Only in North America 
.......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in  Canada  .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in  Canada   .....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in  Canada   .......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in  Canada  ...........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...


(I love this one)
Only in  Canada   .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.



EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?br> (yes I do wonder about this...a lot)
Why can't Women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
(this has baffled me forever)


I LIKE THIS ONE!!!
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?


Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 
Yah....WHY WHY WHY!!!!!

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
 
Hey...really? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? I like this one!!!
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.


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