Sunday Family Humour 27th May Page 2

Sunday Family Humour 27th May Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

Sixty and Going On Strong

Thanks To David H.

(Translated from the original Chinese)

There are many 1000-year old trees in the mountain, but not many 100-year-old people.

At the most, only 1 in 100,000 people will live to be 100 years old.

So, if you are now 60 years old, if you live until you are:

90, you only have 30 years more;

80, you only have 20 years more;

70, you have only 10 years more.

Because you don’t have many years to live, and you can’t bring anything with you when you die, you don’t have to be too thrifty.

Spend wisely the money that should be spent, enjoy what should be enjoyed, donate what you are able to donate, and don’t leave everything to your children or grandchildren, for you don’t want them to become parasites.

Don’t worry about what will happen after you are gone because when you return to dust, you will feel nothing about criticisms or praises.

Don’t worry too much about your children for children will have their own destiny and find their own way. Don’t be your children’s slave.

Don’t expect too much from your children. Caring children would be too busy with their jobs and commitments to render any help. Uncaring children will fight over your assets even when you are still alive, and wish for your early demise so they can inherit your possessions.

Your children may take for granted that they are rightful heirs to your wealth but they really have no claims to your money, neither do you have any claim to theirs.

Don’t trade in your health for wealth because no amount of money can buy good health.

When should you stop making money, and how much is enough -- hundreds, thousands, one million, ten million? Remember that out of 1000 hectares of good farmland, you can only consume three quarts (of rice) daily; and if you have a mansion of several thousand square meters, depending upon your size, height and weight, you can actually occupy only eight square meters of space to rest at night.

So as long as you have enough food and enough money to spend, that is good enough.

You should live happily.

Every person and every family has its own problems. Do not compare yourself or your family with others. To compare yourself, your children, your family with others is foolish. Fame, fortune, and social status do not really bring true happiness, good health, or longevity.

It does not help to worry about things that you can’t change; worrying about them will only spoil your health.

Create your own level of well-being and happiness. Try your best to always be in a good mood and to have happy thoughts. Do things daily which you give you fun and happiness, then you will pass your time happily every day.

There is no certainty that everyday will be a happy one but every day of happiness is one day gained; sometimes you gain and win, sometimes you lose.

Having a "good spirit" cures sickness, cures sickness fast, and even prevents sickness from coming to you.

To have good health and happy life, get a suitable amount of daily exercise, exposure to the sun, variety of healthy food, reasonable amount of vitamins and minerals.

Hopefully, you have 20, 30, or even more happy and healthy years ahead of you!

If I Didn't Have A Dog Or Cat

Thanks to David H.

I could walk barefoot around the yard in safety.

My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated.

All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be hair-free.

When the doorbell rings, my home wouldn't sound like a kennel.

When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading through all the fuzzy bodies who beat me there.

I could sit on the couch and my bed any way I wanted, without having to take into consideration how much space several fur bodies need to get comfortable.

I would have enough money, and no guilt, to go on a real vacation.

I would not be on a first-name basis with 6 veterinarians, as I put their yet unborn grandkids through college.

The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: "out," "sit," "down", "come," "no," "stay," and "leave it ALONE."

My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates and makeshift barriers.

I would not talk 'baby talk'. 'Eat your din din'. 'Yummy yummy for the tummy'..

My house would not look like a day care center, with toys everywhere.

My pockets would not contain things like poop bags, treats and an extra leash.

I would no longer have to spell the words B-A-L-L, W-A-L-K, T-R-E-A-T, O-U-T, G-O, R-I-D-E, S-U-P-P-E-R, And C-O-O-K-I-E.

I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside.

I would not look strangely at people who think having ONE dog/cat ties them down too much.

I'd look forward to spring and the rainy season instead of dreading them as 'mud' season.I would not have to answer the question: 'Why do you have so many animals?' from people who will never know the joy of being loved unconditionally by the closest thing to an angel they will ever encounter.

How EMPTY my life would be!!!

Office Faces

Thanks To David H.

Office Faces.ppt

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What the.....?

Thanks to Tony H.

DON'T WASTE THAT LEMON PEEL

Thanks to Ray M.

Many professionals in restaurants and eateries are using or consuming the entire lemon and wasting nothing.

How can you use the whole lemon without waste?

Simple..place the lemon in the freezer section of your refrigerator. Once the lemon is frozen, get your grater, and shred the whole lemon (no need to peel it) and sprinkle it on top of your foods.

Sprinkle it into your whisky, wine, vegetable salad, ice cream, soup, noodles, spaghetti sauce, rice & fish dishes. Lemon gives these foods an unexpectedly wonderful taste; something you may not have tasted before. Most of us think only of lemon juice and vitamin C. Not anymore!! Now that you've learned the lemon secret, you can use lemon even in instant cup noodles.

What's the major advantage of using the whole lemon other than preventing waste and adding new taste to your dishes?

Health - Lemon peels contain as much as 5 to 10 times more vitamins than the lemon juice itself and that's what we’ve been wasting. But following this simple procedure of freezing the whole lemon, then grating it on top of your dishes, you can consume all of those nutrients and get even healthier. Lemon peels are health body cleansing rejuvenators that eradicate toxic elements in the body.

Lemon (citrus) is a miraculous product to kill cancer cells. It is 10,000 times stronger than chemotherapy. Why do we not know this? Because the laboratories interested in making synthetic lemon scented products that will bring them huge profits. You can now help a friend in need by letting him/her know that lemon juice is beneficial in preventing the disease. It’s pleasant tasting and doesn’t not produce the horrific effects of chemotherapy.

How many people will die while this is kept a closely guarded secret so as not to jeopardize the benefits to large multimillionaires corporations? Citrus trees are known for the many varieties of lemons and limes.

You can eat these fruit in different ways: you can eat the pulp, juice press, prepare drinks, sorbets, pastries, etc. It is credited with many virtues, but the most interesting is the effect it produces on cysts and tumours.

The lemon plant is a proven remedy against cancers of all types. Some believe it is useful against all variants of cancer. It is considered also as an anti microbial spectrum against bacterial infections and fungi, effective against internal parasites and worms, regulates highblood pressure and an antidepressant, that combats stress and nervous disorders.

The source of this information is fascinating: it comes from one of the largest drug manufacturers in the world which says that after more than 20 laboratory tests since 1970, the of the lemon extracts revealed that: It destroys the malignant cells in 12 cancers, including colon, breast, prostate, lung and pancreas. The compounds of this tree showed 10,000 times better than the product Adriamycin, a drug most often normally used in chemotherapy throughout the world to slow the growth of cancer cells.

Even more astonishing: this therapy that uses only lemon extract destroys malignant cancer cells with no effect on healthy cells.

Train Link from Beijing to Shangai

Thanks to David M.

Beijing-Shanghai high-speed rail Beijing departure station

㤤June 30, the official carrier of the first riders of the Beijing-Shanghai high-speed rail train pulled out from the Beijing South Railway Station, bound for Shanghai.

Through the Beijing South Third Ring Road.

The crew to board the first Beijing-Shanghai high-speed rail train.

Beijing-Shanghai high-speed rail crew staff are preparing food.

With the design speed of 350 km, the maximum speed of 300 km initial operation is completed.Put into trial operation of trains is divided into first-class car, second-class cars, dining cars, business cars and VIP tourist area.To meet the special requirements of passengers,there are dedicated disabled riding area, wheelchair accessible bathrooms and corridors.The initial operation, plans to open daily operations EMU trains arranged 90 pairs,the implementation speed of 300 km and 250 km running mixed mode.Shortest time from Beijing to Shanghai for 4 hours and 48 minutes.The full fare: second-class seat 555 yuan, 935 yuan first-class seat,seat (including tourist seats, seat first-class package) 1750 yuan. (1750 yuan = $277, £175, €217)

Currently, a team of 90 conductor, 313 crew consisting of the Beijing-Shanghai high-speed rail passenger section of Shanghai crew team has been gearing up to meet the community review.

(but even that will not be enough to keep the toilets clean:))

The Laws of Golf (revised)

Thanks to Ray O'.

LAW 1:

No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner peace

knowing that a shittier one is yet to come. This law does not

expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to

extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a

lifetime.

LAW 2:

Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your

worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the

number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3:

Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be

proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the

golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs

have been known to be partly made with this same unusual natural alloy.

LAW 4:

Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does,

the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5

The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself

as an instructor.

LAW 6

A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone

in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will

consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted

Murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 7:

All 3-woods are demon-possessed. Your Mother in Law does not come

close.

LAW 8:

Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,

particularly out of bounds or into the water. See LAW 3.

LAW 9:

The last three holes of a round will automatically bring your score

to what it really should be.

LAW 10:

Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 11:

All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

LAW 12:

Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad

shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.

LAW 13:

If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.

LAW 14:

It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.

LAW 15:

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule

is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

LAW 16:

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

LAW 17:

It's not a gimme if you're still 4 feet away.

LAW 18:

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is

a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very

large tree.

LAW 19:

You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch

90% of the time.

LAW 20:

Every Time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a

double or triple bogey to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

LAW 21:

If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try

to lay up just short of a water hazard.

LAW 22:

There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at

the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you

have, and which one is wearing the glove.

LAW 23:

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

LAW 24:

Never buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Coach Parrillo

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