The Star Wars Sequels: A Colossal Mess

by Earl and Joey

Welcome to Episode 1 of Earl and Joey’s Movie Reviews. Here, we review movies and give you our opinion on the latest releases. REMINDER: This is opinion writing. We won’t take it personally if you disagree with us.

Star Wars has been one of the leading franchises around the world for more than 40 years. And it’s probably going to stay that way for a few more decades. However, the quality put into the new Star Wars movies has been depleting, and this column will discuss the many reasons why.

In 2012, Disney bought Star Wars from creator and director George Lucas for $4 Billion. Production on a new movie was put in action, and everything seemed fairly normal, except for the fact that Disney was now in charge. It was supposed to be a sort of a sequel, a few decades after the events of the Original Trilogy. This movie was the start of Star Wars’ quality downfall.

In late 2015, the “sequel” was released, as the Force Awakens. Now, we can all agree that out of all the sequels, this was probably the best. But that still doesn’t make it good. Disney used famous actors to draw attention to the films, such as Adam Driver as Kylo Ren, Harrison Ford as an old Han Solo, and Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker (who only appeared for a few seconds at the end). The acting was really the only thing that stood out about this film. For some reason, they also killed Han Solo. While this was most likely just to get more attention, it was also an interesting plot twist.

In 2017, Disney released the Last Jedi. Really. How could somebody make a movie like this. First of all, the acting was only half decent. Second of all, the character design was TERRIBLE. Luke was a very boring and uninteresting character. Somehow, he went from being the curious, young farm boy in a New Hope, to being a sour, grumpy old Jedi who always talks like he’s at a funeral. But that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Somehow, Rey managed to become as skilled as a Jedi Knight in a little over 2 weeks. 2 weeks. And then I know she’s super force sensitive or whatever, but take a look at a regular Jedi. Obi-Wan Kenobi trained for 20 years to get that skilled. 20 years. Something’s wrong with this picture. They made Rey waaaay too overpowered.

Also, let’s talk about Snoke. He seemed like an interesting character. But he died after 5 seconds of fighting. Really. Now, take a look at the end battle on Crait. Now, look back at the Battle of Hoth, in the Empire Strikes Back. Seems kinda similar, huh?

In 2019, Disney released the supposed “finale” of the Star Wars saga, the Rise of Skywalker. The movie was only half decent. It had more references to the old 90s comics than the other two, particularly the Dark Empire series, in which the Emperor clones himself and returns. Anyways, they nailed Palpatine. The costume, the voice, even the way he acts. Another interesting thing they showed were the remains of the first Death Star. Kinda weird considering it was blown to atoms. Another thing is the Knights of Ren. They were kinda like the Death Troopers of the First Order, I guess? They didn’t talk, and they gave off a mysterious vibe that was actually pretty cool.

How Palpatine died was… interesting. Of course, he was vanquished by our overpowered hero Rey, and a now converted Kylo Ren. However, Rey is fatally injured during her efforts, and Kylo uses Force Healing to revive her. However, it takes all his energy in the process, and he dies. Wow. Oh, and it also turns out Rey and Kylo were in love! Awww! Disney always finds a way to turn things into a romantic mushy love story. So now, we cut to a long-abandoned Skywalker house on Tatooine. Rey walks around, and runs into an old lady, who asks her name. Rey claims her name is “Rey Skywalker”, after seeing Luke and Leia’s force ghosts. We now end with our classic credits and a space background.

So. We have quite a bit to talk about. First of all, the movies weren’t the worst thing ever. With some polishing up, they’d be a bit more interesting and might actually be something I’d want to watch. But it’s too late for that now. The ending was definitely 3 stars. It’d be much cooler if Rey had instead decided to continue Palpatine’s legacy, and become a Sith. It’d be a nice plot twist, and a way for there to actually be a balance between good and evil.

Well, that’s it for Episode 1. We hope you’ve enjoyed this review, and we look forward to writing more ideas in the future!