07-26-2011
The following is the outcome of all your prayers. A big thanks to all.
(names changed)
The only form of communication I have for the past year with wife has been email or online text. In January, where I went through insanity from the emotional pain (Ecc 7:7). Then, I started questioning to whom I was communicating. Her personality traits are becoming more and more inconsistent with who I had known.
Going over to wife's residence was the first time in over a year and half. It was a 2 hr drive and I picked up a brother for support and help. Help in case he had to pull me away for lack of composure. This brother went above and beyond! He obtained off his work and took the day off when he did not have to. He did say it was easy for him to do that and I did not know he was working. Just to give me any help he could. A real brother he is. I never had a real brother before.
Wife's son lives with her because of poverty. And papers not filed for the same reason. Around the corner I prayed that all demonic activity would cease. I pulled in the driveway and knocked at the door. I could hear the apprehension in the footsteps. “What are you doing here?!! I told you not to come here. This is harassment.” I started to break down, “I came here to see you! Maybe for the last time. In harsh tone she says, “Well, now you see me. - Adam! Adam! Would you come here? Come talk to him – He is very angry at you and does not want to speak to you.” Adam comes to front, but I can't see anything. “I can't see you through the screen door” I said. “I am not opening it. It is staying locked” “Why” I asked. “I don't trust you. I asked you not to show up and you did. “ (could this be because of the “right-winged, christian” killings in norway?)
“Adam, tell Steve that it is over, he must leave and move on.” I interrupted and addressed Adam, “Adam, Alexandria has been living a lie, she has lied to all of us. I put it all here in this letter. She is lying to herself and believing these lies! This affects Adam! He is living under your roof” by now speaking to both. I was standing there with wedding picture holder on top of a takeout box of pancakes. I was going to give the pancakes to them, and a letter not sent by email. I hand out the paper for them to take it and they said, “Just put it under the door, just put it under the door”
I continue to speak, “I came here to extend mercy and grace. And you may not know what that means. It means, if I have a Harley Davidson bike and a friend really wanted a bike like that and he asked to give it a ride. If he crashes that bike, mercy means I will excuse the wreck and say it is ok. Grace is when I will buy him a bike” Now totally broke down, with a pausing, struggling to get the words out...“I came here to see Alexandria. I don't know what is going on. I don't know who I am talking to, I don't know if someone has kidnapped you, stolen your passwords or what.” I continue, “Look, I still have hope! I have these wedding pictures up on my mantel.” Adam wants to butt in. “I still want to be married to this woman in this picture!” Alexandria says while I am speaking, that she is not without compassion, she sees me hurting, and I continue, “I have never lied to you both, except once, never lied, and in that paper is all the truth. I will die on that it is true” My wife butts in “It is your truth not mine, it is what you believe”. “Look, I still have hope; I never took this ring off!” The son speaks for my wife and says, “Well, it is like this, it's over, you are not welcomed here, She is divorcing you. So now you know” I continue with composure coming back, “I won't blame you if you do not want to be with me because of my mental disabilities” “What disabilities?” she ask, and both listen, “I have bad short term memory and I can't make rash decisions.” (meaning new and/or rash decisions). “That's good now that you know what limitations you have” she says. I realize they have to hear more, “In the marriage I was abused....” at this point I don't know if I should include how her father abused her in every way. But I continue. “it is all there explained in the letter.” “This is your truth not ours” she says. “Look I have proof! I have evidence! The evidence is there in that paper. Look at the mark/blemish on my face” there is a lot of talk over each other that I can't make out at this point. In the past I had brought up the word divorce twice. “I never wanted a divorce from you; I just wanted a divorce from the abuse. I just didn't know how to say it.” (I had no vocabulary or ability to articulate – we both didn't)
“I am sorry for your abuse, that you were abused...” I butted in “You abused me!” “I am sorry I abused you, I am sorry” she says. I said “I never heard you say 'I am sorry', never had”. She resounded back in a woman’s tone of defense, “I have said sorry lots of times! You just don't remember” now the son is butting in, “alright, alright, that may be” addressing me the son says “damage has been done; there has been too much damage that can not be repaired. Bottom line she does not share the same belief system that you do...” She butts in “I have my own belief system!” I remembered what I had prepared to say before hand, “And how is that working for you?” with a sarcastic tone that came across from me. “It is working quite well, Thank you! It is working good for me!” and that came across with agitation and if I could see her presence see that agitation in it. I lowered my head in disbelief. The son continues, “She is divorcing you because of your religion. She will never become a Christian, never. She has her own beliefs.” (I have never pushed Christianity on her. I knew it would harden the clay. I only remember telling her the plan of salvation once, could be twice at the beginning. And now, today, at the beginning of the marriage, I considered myself a non-christian at that time.)
Responding to the son about never becoming a Christian, and now my pride and arrogance peeks up its ugly head and says, “Yeah I have heard that before”. She sees the smirk on me as I turn my head away and she pipes up some words “That is what I am talking about...” I had to butt right back in and acknowledge “I'm sorry, that was my pride and arrogance. All the time I have to keep cutting that thing down. I am sorry” (A person in pride has no idea how easily it is picked up by others and how much hated it is, to see from all who lives.)
The son continues: “We all need to move on and find something that will make us happy. You are not happy with Alexandria, and she is not happy with you...Look, if she would have said she wanted to continue with you, I would not hold her back. But with all that has happened, there is too much damage.” Alexandria chimes in “you have not touched me in 14 years, 14 years!” and thumps her chest with her forefinger. (Actually 7 years and how did I see her finger on her chest? But I did not have time to think or realize what to say. To explain why, and I had to give listen to the son to show the utmost respect) “...I suggest you go to church, I'm assuming you are still going...” “Yes I am” “...go to church; find a girl there that will make you happy. Alexandria has to find what will make her happy.” I feel a continuing insulting from this. Shame, how is it that this sounds wise, and how can it come from a non-Christian. How does someone bonded want anyone else? How can someone assume this on another?
At one point in the conversation I said I was a fake before 2007. Having heard other pastors before, say that there are people out there that just hate Jesus. There is nothing you can do for them and they are going to hell. I am now thinking she is hating Jesus and this is what it is all about. Since becoming a Christian and the last year living with her in 2008, there was a very, very heavy weight when I walked in the door from work. Where the only description that a person could give would be “demonic”. She too felt the same weight and believed it was because of Christianity. She now saw me going to church twice a week and it must be Christianity she is feeling to be the evil weight.
My composure straightens up and I am feeling some relief. Because I understand what the son said. “OK, I understand, I now understand.” My brother in Christ has come around the corner from sitting in the car. Before we got there I told him to wait in the car while I get permission for him to come in, but that never happened. My brother comes around to remind me of the time and points at the watch. I have an appointment at 12pm. “I have to go I have an appointment at 12 today. Thanks for talking to me” “Take care Steve, I wish you well..” she says, and I leave with my pancakes and no lasting face to be seen.
Since this time, I truly cried realizing how deep – how deep she is lost! Even now as I write... I can't finish ... because of my weeping...
Thank you all for you prayers. In character of the Holy Spirit – He was not there. Perfect character. How can the Holy Spirit be mixed with sin, I ask. His strength I did feel afterward. On the freeway I allowed myself to sing praises. On the way back I just heard the rushing wind. This morning I sang worship songs. I feel the wounding back again. Not too much. The next day I thanked her for helping me, saying since that day it feels as if “there has been a band-aid put on a very deep and gashing hole, leaking with fluid and now there is gauze in the hole and band-aid on it.” That is about it then Take care of yourselves.
Thanks,
Steve Janke