Final Essay or Presentation of Healthy relationship group
28 years ago, my daughter was taken into custody by CPS, around 3-4 months of her age. A year later, the mother's rights were severed and I was given a choice to relinquish my parental rights or keep them. There were many reasons for relinquishing my parental rights at the time, but the most predominate one was to protect her from her mother. 27 years later, the daughter found me through adoption.com. My coming here was through the lost and estrangement of my own doing, even though it was purposeful, I longed, waited and sought out a relationship, with a daughter who was adopted out of my care. We could catch up on time lost, I thought. I realize now, how important a child is in a parents life. How many parents are hurting terribly with estranged children of whom the parents have no idea what is going on. Search the web and see for yourselves! Too much deep grief in all this.
For a man, a child changes him. How important relationships are in a person's life. How relationships, are worth more than all the riches and wealth, than in this hollow life of mine. How I now would have given my life, to save my daughter from her continued traumatized childhood. I trusted CPS and others with her childhood; and in that, outside her “Stockholm syndrome family”, she was destroyed. I now desire more tight relationships than perhaps just the one non-family friend I have that is a long distance away.
I have been socially, emotionally isolated. Inexperienced with the norms of interacting with others outside my world. For example, not till last year, did I not have the conception or experience of the phase “hanging out” - For real! It was just a few months with the 28 yr old daughter, that I experienced a true “hanging-out”. In my stunted and slow maturing, I don't think the experience of “hanging out” was ever fully realized. In other words, correct me if I am wrong, “hanging out” is to, “just be”, in the company you are with. I realize now, I have been alone most of my life.
Pertaining to this class, I am in recovery from a stunted emotional/social life. Even though I have been married twice, for me, I gave all, my bonding to the women I lived with, and just last year I remembered what a counselor told me 28 yrs ago - that I was emotional, 7 years old, when the CPS came into my life. That being acknowledged, as an emotional child, I was codependent with relationships. This co-dependency never allowed for me, a life, with any tight appropriate relationships.
I do not think I have been here long enough for two, but one was a picture diagram of what a dependent, co-dependent, and healthy relationship looks like using the fists of hands.
I am learning to evaluate what things are important in my life, and not to cast those things out on the table or ground as willy-nilly. Because trust needs to be earned, so that those things won't get trampled on and devalued. Above all, to acknowledge children and adults, with worth, value and dignity.
I hope to acquire from staff, more research resources I can look up online; what healthy relationships look like, and for examples. I hope for a mentoring man or a couple at my immediate side, that I will keep an eye out for. For now, I hope to grow to be a father figure and/or example to those of whom they feel are in need. For me, my never-ending example, is a Friend, the Father of creation, to which I can share out to others.
Thank you,
Steve Janke
Feb. 2013