We Did A Thing

WELCOME!

Good Day (or whatever time of day it is for you), CHS! Welcome to Claremont’s “Really Academic” Paper (no acronyms there), Claremont’s funniest newsletter. This is our first issue, so be nice, please. I honestly have no idea why you picked this paper up. If you thought you were gonna be entertained, you’re probably wrong. But if you want a paper full of complete utter randomness that cost(ed/s) a tree its life, you’ve come to the right place. Enjoy (or don't)!

-The Editors

OLD NEWS: CHS SPENDS MONEY ON BUILDING

I know this is old news, ok!? Claremont High School recently built a new student center, complete with a cafeteria, classrooms and a “State of the Art” MPR. And let me tell you, it was 100% worth it! It’s an incredibly technologically advanced center. And by technologically advanced I mean it’s advanced at making technology not work. Has anyone been able to get a good signal in there? But that’s besides the point. At least it looks good! It looks good, right? Ok, so it might not look good or work well, but it certainly does its job. some of the time. Just try restarting your iPad first. 

-Stephnan C’Olbrien

SOME MORE OLD NEWS: AFOREMENTIONED BUILDING NAMED AFTER CURRENT PRINCIPAL/MARVEL VILLAIN

Ok, this is also old news (maybe older than the article above?), but bear with me. The student center was named the “Doctor Brett O’Connor Student Center”, in honor (or honour for our friends across the pond) of the principal, Doc Ock Dr. O’Connor. This leaves many (Read: few) disappointed, including me. To commemorate a place, here are some tips:

• Name it after someone well known (but not a Confederate general or a racist, please)

• Name it after someone that has died or retired (again, no antebellum figures or bigots)

• Name it after a large donor to the school (see above)

Other than that, I have no other pointers for you. So please, next time you name something, take my word for it and don't choose a person who isn't great (or infamous) yet.

-Jeb Stuart (not to be confused with the general please)

COMEDY SPOTLIGHT: BENITO SANDERS

I had the privilege to talk to comedy writer and podcaster Benito Sanders, who hosts a podcast called AnyTime with Benito Sanders. Here are some of the highlights of our conversation.

Q: Why is the podcast called AnyTime with Benito Sanders?

A: I decided to call it AnyTime because you can listen or watch it at Any Time, and I chose the name Benito Sanders because my full name didn’t fit on the Spotify display. 

Q: What’s the show about?

A: I talk about whatever pops into my head, riff on some comedy bits and usually interview some people that I want to talk to. It’s similar to Conan O'Brien’s “Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend” podcast in a few aspects. 

Q: You’re switching to a YouTube based distribution in March. Why?

A: Hosting with a traditional podcast distributor was too expensive, and we can probably reach more people via the Ears Only Podcasts [Benito’s podcast production company] YouTube channel, which we already had established. We’re also working on a way to distribute our podcasts ourselves. Stay tuned for that

Q: In the time your podcast has been on a restructuring hiatus, you’ve been posting some funny videos online. What got you started on that path?

A: It was a mix of things, but mostly I wanted to try something more visual, which is ironically my strength. I figured COVID PSAs were a good and funny way to do that.

Q: Is there anything you’d like to promote?

A: Yes. In addition to my podcast, which returns with new episodes on March 4 (we’re reuploading old ones in the meantime), I produce a podcast called The Field with Ann Paez, hosted by my friend Ann, which is really good. It’s on YouTube right now at the Ears Only Podcasts channel.

Q: Thanks for talking with me.

A: It’s been a pleasure.

As you read, AnyTime and all the Ears Only Podcasts shows can be accessed on YouTube, with new episodes very soon. They are currently working on uploading the shows themselves using google feedburner. You can follow the Ears Only Instagram page at @earsonlypodcasts.

OP-ED: THE PROBLEM WITH WORD SEARCHES

Hi Claremont, 

I am writing this piece for an express purpose: to inform the greater Claremont academic community on the horrific abominations of nature that are Word Searches. I’ll just be honest here. Word searches make me feel stupid. They really do. And I know they make me feel stupid. I know this because I am a smart person. In fact, people have said I am similar to Einstein. And they’re right! I mean, there are similarities. I’ve actually compiled a list of them right here:

1. We’re both humans. 

2. We’re samrt smaert smert intaligent smart

See? Look at that! But that’s besides the point. Word searches are very hard, man. Like seriously. What’s up with that? Any time I go to Red Robin and ask for a kids menu, I end up screaming and crying because I CAN’T FIND ANYTHING! They’re very hard. And nothing makes them easier! I’ve tried all the tricks! I’ve done the box trick, combed through each individual line, and carried the word search to an elderly Yugoslavian sorceress high in the Šar Mountains with three vulture beaks and a vial of my mortal enemy’s hair to persuade her to solve the word search for me, only to fail in every way possible. 

So I propose a solution. Or I would, if I had one. I just realized that this whole letter amounts to nothing. That’s nice. I guess you just have to carry on with your word searches, or as I call them, word un-searches, because they’re impossible.

-Wondering (Un-)Word Searcher

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• New battery recycling program. Bring in batteries free of charge.

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• Serious: CHS Instrumental Music Program’s next concert is on February 23 at 7:00 at El Roble! Please stop by to support our music program!

• Check out @earsonlypodcasts on Instagram for updates regarding AnyTime with Benito Sanders