YOU. YES, YOU. WRITE FOR US!!!
The world's 5th largest joke database
Feel free to use these, but we aren't liable if (when) they don't get laughs
I’m really excited for the next autopsy club. It’s open Mike night!
My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, it’s also terrible.
When other people wear masks, it's “normal”, but when I wear a mask to the bank, I get arrested by the cops.
My friend said that if I made another bad joke, he would smash my head on the keyboarmepsjxabdzamqpeiytueocps,s103)#_¥24£¥_[]>…§
I was addicted to soap operas, but I'm clean now.
It's the hottest month on record in Claremont, unless you count that summer I wore shorts.
I found a huge design flaw in my iPhone. People get angry when I talk on it during a funeral.
I heard the iPhone 15 won't have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we'll all be happy.
Looking back on my life so far, I’m proud to say I’ve only committed speakable horrors.
Some people see a glass as half full, others see it as half empty. I see it as a handy weapon in a bar fight.
You know what I've noticed? The phrase “going viral” seems less cool now.
I’m an X-Man, if crying yourself to sleep is considered a mutant power.
What’s the difference between texting and real life? In real life, people respond to me.
My wife asked me if I would ever stop playing Wonderwall. I said maybe.
Every Saturday I go out in the yard and crush cans. It’s soda pressing.
I just completed 100 push-ups. (I started last November.)
A reporter interveiwed a rock band's drummer, it was real hard hitting journalism.
Street Joke
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is silence; then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
Street Joke
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. This is very important. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
Street Joke
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Street Joke
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”
He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.”
I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
He said, “A Christian.”
I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.”
I said, “Me, too! What franchise?”
He said, “Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”
I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
Street Joke
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
Monty Python
They have 8 wheels and 4 people on them, 4 plus 8 makes 12, there's 12 inches in a foot, which is a ruler; Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and a ship, that ship sailed the seas, and there were fish with fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, the Russians are red, and fire trucks are always Russian around