The Bard's Issue

WELCOME!

Hello! Long time no see! Spring break is almost here, so we’re back from our short hiatus (read: procrastination break) with another issue for you all to (hopefully) enjoy. Anyways, it’s no secret that the world seems to be crumbling all around us. But you know what always remains? Shakespeare. Every year, in every English class, we read Shakespeare. Frankly, I think we’ve had enough. Maybe dismantling the Department of Education will fix that! But that’s unconstitutional (if that’s still a thing). So in honor of Shakespeare, we’ve written the Bard’s Issue! This entire issue is in rhyme, and some of it is even in Iambic Pentameter, whatever that is. So sit back, relax, and grab some sticky notes because we expect every poem in here to be thoroughly annotated.

-The Editor

P.S. We even brought back some old writers for this one! See if you can spot their work.

THE WRITER’S BLOCK SONG

I can’t think of a single thing 

To write about today.

Every time try to write, 

My mind just drifts away.

My work ethic’s misunderstood,

I do stuff day and night.

It doesn’t matter if it's good,

I have nothing to write!

I tell myself, "Just write it down,

You'll edit it someday."

But all I do is sigh and frown—

There's nothing new to say!

My writer’s block is so bad

That this issue is in rhyme.

We couldn’t think of anything else,

And we had plenty of time!

ST. PATRICK’S DAY

St. Patrick’s day has come and gone,

A day for Irish cheer.

When Irish Americans flaunt their roots,

And drink their super cheap beer.

But 10% Irish are most of these guys,

With faces green, orange, and white.

Can’t name one single city ‘cept Dublin I fear,

Their cultural knowledge is shite!

They swear they’re descended from ancient kings,

Though great-granduncle was from Mayo.

They’ll butcher the accent with Guinness in hand,

And shout a loud “Erin go Bragh-o!”

Decked out in shamrocks and plastic green hats,

They dance like a drunken buffoon,

And think that corned beef is the national dish,

(It’s not—but don’t ruin the tune).

But come the next morning, the hangovers rage,

Their accents have faded away.

They’ll shelve all their pride till next year’s parade,

When they’re Irish for just one more day.

AN ODE TO VLADIMIR PUTIN II

Exactly 3 years ago, we published a poem with our feelings about Russian President Vladimir Putin. Here’s Part 2:

I do not like that Vladimir Putin,

He’s 10x worse than Isaac Newton! (and he invented calculus!)

He jails his foes, he rigs his votes,

And spins the lies his henchmen quote.

His empire shrinks, yet he invades,

A dork who thinks with bombs and raids.

All of Europe is at his whim,

And the USA is next for him.

He talks constantly on the phone,

With Trump, his fat and orange clone.

Democracy? Well he wants to assail her.

He shares a name with Vlad the Impaler!

So I do not like that Putin guy,

It would be nice if he could die.

THE SOFT LAUNCH

Enter a young lover, rotting in bed, bathed in the blue glow of their phone screen. They clear their throat and speak to the audience, who, like their followers, are left to interpret the breadcrumbs of annoyingly trivial social media trends and customs.

O, cryptic fate! O, wretched, veiled reveal!

How delicate the dance of public love,

A love obscured by lattes, out of frame,

By shadowed hands that hover o’er my plate.

See here—a second glass, untouched, yet placed!

And lo! A forearm, clothed in nondescript

Yet striking tones of vaguely manly hue!

Dost thou perceive? Or art thou blind to fate?

For in this frame, ‘tis not a hand alone,

But whispers of affection, softly launched—

An ankle brushed, a seat reserved for two,

A caption coy: “A perfect little night.”

Yet in the comments, vultures circle wide!

“WHO’S THAT?” they cry. “Soft launch or just a friend?”

And I, a tragic figure draped in fleece,

Must hold my ground, must like and leave no trace,

No heart emoji lest I tip the scales

And shift the launch from “soft” to full reveal.

O fickle heart! O trial most divine!

For what is love if not a feed concealed,

A teasing glimpse, a tortured, slow unveil?

To launch too hard is social suicide!

To post at once—so garish! So uncouth!

Thus here I lie, ensnared in thine embrace,

Both hand in hand and yet untagged, unknown.

O love, be gentle—nay, be algorithmic,

And let our tale unfold in planned mystère,

One cryptic post, then silence, then one more,

Until at last the world doth know thy name,

But subtly. Very subtly. A friend?

Exeunt, posting a sunset with no context.

J.D. VANCE

There once was a VP named Vance

From Ohio he gave Trump a chance

But his eyeliner's sheen 

And comments obscene

Left voters to question his stance.

So the interwebs pounced on him quick

Made memes of him hairy and thick

They distorted his face

Even altered his race

‘Cause the people all think he’s a prick

Then the fat Orange dicktator dies

And one third of America cries

He steps up with a grin

Throws the US in the bin

And we’re stuck with JD and his lies

AD: STAY TUNED FOR OUR ANNUAL APRIL FOOLS 

WOLFPACKET PARODY ISSUE, COMING SOON!!!

HOROSCOPES:

Your horoscope is very important. The stars influence every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade of the (on average) 0.79 centuries of your life. Don’t pay attention to any other horoscopes. They’re fake, stupid, and lame, which is not cool. And trust me, I know what’s cool. This is the only publication that truly knows the future. Take a look!

Aries: Hey happy birthday! Hope you have a good one.

Taurus: A great fortune will be yours this month. Press like, click follow, and send to the fifth person that comes up when you click share to affirm.

Gemini: I am become meme. Yeah. Pretty much. I’m just—I’m living the meme. I’m just like, there’s living the dream and then there’s living the meme, which is basically what's happening.

Cancer: You don’t have cancer, but you do have a newly discovered disease called recnaC. Good luck with that I guess!

Leo: I dunno. You’re on your own with this one.

Virgo: Your situationship is going to soft launch their relationship with someone else with minimal communication. Sorry.

Libra: If you don’t turn in your homework on time, you will die.

Scorpio: Your march madness bracket is genuinely so awful. Like, I didn’t even think it was possible to miss the entire sweet sixteen. You do NOT know ball.

Sagittarius: Beware the Ides of March… wait those passed already.

Capricorn: I really have to do 12 of these? That’s so boring. I’m bored. Do whatever I guess.

Aquarius: Don’t go swimming.

Pisces: Happy belated birthday I guess? We don’t really have anything for you this month.

ROYAL UPDATES VOL. 8

Keen readers of this magazine may have noticed that His Majesty King Charles III did not write his usual column for our last issue. He was caught up with various Royal engagements, but he is back now! As is per usual, we’ve given our old friend H.M. King Charles III an advanced copy of this issue of Claremont’s Really Academic Paper. Here are his remarks received on the 20th of March:

Dear Staff and Editors of Claremont’s Really Academic Paper,

Hello! First and foremost, I would like to wish you congratulations for your continued successes as the foremost comedic news outlet in the United States. I am aware of some rather troubling events on your side of the pond, and I wish you all the best.

Aside from my usual seasonal greetings, again, I would like to share some exciting changes and updates with you and your delightful readers. Surely some of you have heard of my Radio Show with Apple Music. I am pleased to announce that this is the first step on my journey to become an "influencer" on the Internet. I have begun learning about TikTok and Instagram Reels, these peculiar little vertical videos that so many people seem to love. I have been editing my own daily vlogs, which will begin publication soon! I have also looked into sites such as "X" (formerly known as Twitter), Reddit, and My Space. I have recently learned of a new site by the name of Only Fans! I do not know exactly what goes on there, but it appears quite fascinating. 

My  family has been incredibly supportive of this endeavour, as has the British populace at large. As for the family, Prince Andrew is still in his depressive episode. He has grown to like Emo Music, and refuses to leave his room. He is particularly a fan of a band named "Falling in Reverse." Honestly, as long as he's not touching children, I'm happy. 

To close I must say that while this issue is delightful, I must admit I was not pleased with your coverage of St. Patrick's Day. I do not know if I am "on board" with the people of Ireland feeling any form of national pride that isn't British. Aside from that, I did quote enjoy this issue. Keep up the good work, and God Save Me!!

Signed, 

CiiiR

H.M. King Charles III

We here at CRAP would like to thank King Charles for his correspondence and congratulate him on becoming the UK's foremost influencer.