The Asbestos Issue

WELCOME!

Hey! It’s been a while. Six weeks, in fact. Why have we been gone? Well, I’ll tell you. We’ve spent the last six weeks researching our favorite thing in the universe. That’s right… Asbestos! The miracle material. It’s durable, fire resistant, and yummy. We love asbestos here at CRAP, even though it's seemed to fall out of favor in recent decades. Why’s that? Because it causes cancer? Mesothelioma? Extreme damage to the environment? No!! It’s because people forgot true innovation! Everyone knows the country isn’t doing so great right now. You know when it did marginally better? The asbestos era! So in this issue, we’re going to take you all the way back to the days where you could destroy your lungs simply by stepping into a classroom. Enjoy!

-Editorial Bored (we changed the spelling to be punny!)

CHS MUSIC BUILDING RENOVATED AFTER 15 STUDENTS CATCH MESOTHELIOMA

CLAREMONT, CA - After a tenuous year, the Claremont High School music building has finally completed the court-ordered renovations assigned to the district after 15 music students were diagnosed with advanced mesothelioma. The building, it turns out, was made entirely of asbestos covered in a thin “spackle” crust, made to resemble stone. Upon retrospect, this is not that difficult to believe, since the building was constructed during a fervor of postwar optimism in which asbestos was the miracle substance. Music teacher Burke Shouse said that he is “glad the new music building has 75% less asbestos than the old one” and that he looks forward to “hopefully having fewer trombonists suffer from mesothelioma in the upcoming years.” In other news, here at CRAP are still waiting to see what will become of the Dr. O’Connor Student Center, which was newly revealed to be made entirely of french fries. Stay tuned.

WHAT IS ASBESTOS?

We can all agree that some things are the very definition of human achievement, like penicillin, the internet, and ska. But towering above all else is one single substance: Asbestos. Created by God himself and naturally deposited on our earth for us to use, Asbestos is a naturally occurring mineral and, for a glorious stretch of mid-century America, the unofficial building material of dreams. 

Now what’s so special about Asbestos? Well, it’s fireproof. In Ancient Greece, powerful warriors were shrouded in Asbestos to shield them from flames. While this worked, they then died (but doesn’t everybody?). Apparently, asbestos is harmful. When Pliny the Elder described asbestos, he failed to note its harmful effects–mostly because he was too busy dying via volcano. But had he survived, we’re confident he would have referred to asbestos as “the coolest thing ever and ouch why do my lungs hurt.”

While asbestos was discovered by a bunch of toga-wearing Europeans, it didn’t come into its own as a versatile material until it arrived in the USA (United States of Asbestos). If you bought a home made from 1945 and 1978, congratulations—you’re living in a fireproof coffin stuffed with the miracle strands of industrial optimism. Used in everything from ceiling tiles to baby pajamas, asbestos was marketed as “flame-retardant,” “durable,” and “maybe fatal.” It was sprayed into schools, hospitals, and even breathing masks!

But, starting in the 1960s, some so-called “scientists” noticed a small, statistically significant trend: people who inhaled asbestos tended to die in new and fun ways. These included things like mesothelioma, which sounds like an Italian wine bar but is actually a terminal lung disease brought to you by microscopic stabbing. By the 1980s, asbestos was mostly banned, though it remains lovingly embedded in every aging public school.

So where does that leave us? Well, I think that if America wants to be cool again, we should bring asbestos back. Is it dangerous? Sure. But is it awesome? Uhh… DUH. So in conclusion, asbestos is awesome and we should bring it back. Make America Asbestos Again!! (MAAA).

ASBESTOS: SAFE?

When you think of asbestos, you first think of versatility. Then, your dreams are crushed by the existence of mesothelioma, preventing you from cheap fire prevention. But what if this was intentional? After the discovery of God’s greatest gift to Earth, its fireproof qualities were immediately taken advantage of. In gloves, jackets, and homes, there were significantly fewer fire-involved accidents. However immediately after the besmirching of Asbestos’, severe fire incidents rose by over 60%. This means that fire budgets in cities around the nation rose by almost 60%.

That’s right, I believe that (and know that) big fire had it out for asbestos, from the beginning. After the advent of asbestos as the baseline building material, many firefighters lost their jobs because the wonder material rendered fires all but extinct. Now obviously, this means that the stories of asbestos illnesses were just that, fictitious stories, and they resulted in a subsequent, and undeserved ban of asbestos products. We the people must fight back against this injustice and hold firefighters accountable, lest we receive the same fate as our dearly departed asbestos.

THE ASBESTOS SONG

Asbestos! Asbestos! 

It’s plenty fun to use!

And if you really play,

In your skin it will infuse!

Coughing! Coughing!

I’m coughing quite a lot!

Is it because I eat asbestos?

Maybe, but probably not!

Mesothelioma! Mesothelioma!

My doctor says I have it too.

And even though my health is failing,

It’s fine ‘cause I can sue!!

Funeral! Funeral!

I hope mine goes quite well.

Because I breathed so much asbestos,

That I died and went to hell!

(But I won't burn!!)

ASBESTOS IN THE HOME… OF POLITICIANS

WASHINGTON, DC - It has been revealed that many of the grand buildings built in the golden age of humanity (1945-1980), from the halls of political power in Washington to edifices across the world, have a hidden, yet nefarious, poison. That’s right, they’re all chock full of asbestos! Strangely enough, the homes of many of the world's most powerful people are compromised with high levels of asbestos as well. But why? Why is it specifically the homes of politicians, and how does this revelation concern the health and well-being of our leaders? Well, it would seem that the effects of asbestos had been taking hold for many years. It is safe to say that every single bad decision any government has ever made (and a few of the good ones too) is due to asbestos related poisoning influencing the minds of the elite. We here at Claremont’s Really Academic Paper will keep a close eye on these developments in the future.

1950s PSA: DANGER TO SOCIETY - THE PERFORMATIVE MALE

This vintage, mid 1950s PSA newsreel script was one of many that were recently uncovered from being hidden in Pomona college’s archives. We hope you enjoy it!

Newsreel Announcer: Over its 250 years, America has been laid siege to by many foes: the English, the Canadians… Wait! These are all British! 

[Camera pans to the interior of a coffee shop]

Newsreel Announcer: But today, a new foe has emerged… a clear and present danger to American Society… the PERFORMATIVE MALE.

[Cut to a 5’9” guy with permed hair, fake glasses, a carhartt jacket, and baggy jeans holding a matcha latte]

Announcer: He may appear harmless—docile, even. But don’t be fooled. Beneath that chipped nail polish and limited edition Trader Joe’s tote bag lies a menace to women and literature majors alike.

[Cut to diagram of typical “male manipulator”]

Announcer: Luckily, the Performative Male, or “Indie Sleaze Boyfriend,” is quite easy to spot. Simply look for these identifying traits:

1. A “thrifted” Carhartt jacket he really paid $120 for on Depop. Usually coupled with a cropped tee, unreasonably baggy pants, and Doc Martens he picked up new from the Women’s section.

2. Lensless glasses he wears for clout.

3. One of two haircuts: A middle part or a permed mullet, plus an incredibly wispy mustache fit for a fourteen year old boy

4. A manufactured “deep voice” to lure unsuspecting women

[Cut to performative man in cafe drinking matcha while reading a book]

Announcer: He doesn’t like matcha. He likes that you like matcha. He’s full of tricks! Here, he is reading Sylvia Plath’s acclaimed feminist novel The Bell Jar. Or is he? He’s been on the same page for thirty minutes! 

[Cut to closeup of the page he’s reading]

Announcer: And would you look at that! The book is upside down! How disappointing… Let’s see how he handles this situation…

[A woman approaches]

Woman: I love the Bell Jar! What do you think of the broader themes and implications of the novel and its relation to Plath’s own life?

Performative Man: I just find it so deep… The struggles women go through… I just think men have a lot to learn from The Bell Jar, y’know?

Woman: Like what?

Performative Man: Uhh… Sorry, let me turn off my music. Do you listen to Clairo? God this lavender matcha slays.

[freeze frame, shift to Spotify home screen]

Newsreel Announcer: The performative man has just changed the topic, because of course he hasn’t really read The Bell Jar! He used music as a distraction there, one of the performative man’s greatest assets. Here is how the performative man uses music to disarm people:

1. He will have a Spotify Premium account with many different playlists, but claim to listen to vinyl at home. 

2. His top artists in public playlists are Laufey, the Smiths, Clairo, The Cure, Car Seat Headrest, and Arctic Monkeys—but only the hits!!

3. He will constantly call these artists “niche” and “underground.”

4. He will copy and paste a default playlist, title it your name, and send it to you

[Cut to view of performative man]

Announcer: We’ve safely established that the performative man is dangerous, but how can you protect yourself? Remember the 3 R’s: Recognize. Retreat. Report to your local English major. This is not about fashion. This is not about taste. This is about national security. Stay safe, and remember: if he calls Laufey “Lauw-fee,” RUN.

THE FASCINATING STORY OF MARVEL’S VERY REAL SUPERHERO… ASBESTOS MAN™

It’s no secret that the worldwide moviegoing populace is experiencing minor superhero fatigue. We here at CRAP, however, have found the solution. Yes, only we know how to make superheroes cool again. Well, us and Marvel. The answer is, of course, Asbestos Man™! Yes, Asbestos Man™. Marvel has a character named Asbestos Man™. This is real. We’re not making it up. And the story of Asbestos Man™ is nothing short of remarkable. Analytical chemist and professor Orson Kasloff decided that the only way he could be truly respected in his field was to become a superhero. So, obviously, he made a suit of asbestos and tried to defeat the Human Torch™. It really is the perfect story. 

We are told that Asbestos Man™ is a villain, and that the Human Torch™ is the good guy, but how good really is an arsonist who’s so dedicated to his craft that he lit himself on fire? Asbestos Man™ was merely trying to save the city from an open and extremely dangerous flame. And for that, he was killed.

We need more invigorating stories like that of Asbestos Man™! He’s the hero our world needs, but not the one it deserves. So if you want to save the Marvel Cinematic Universe™, superhero movies, and the general concept of entertainment, you should be out in the streets fighting for an Asbestos Man™ trilogy!!

THREE FABULOUS ASBESTOS RECIPES FOR YOUR LONG WEEKEND

Looking for something new, nostalgic, and surprisingly fibrous to serve this long weekend? Well, asbestos is having a moment. Once relegated to the basements of pre war architecture, this versatile mineral is now a darling of the experimental kitchen. It’s earthy. It’s crunchy. It’s banned in most UN member states. But in the hands of a determined home chef, it’s simply fabulous. Here are three of our favorite asbestos recipes perfect for any summer dinner parties:

Smoked Asbestos Gratin with Gruyère 

Think potato gratin—but swap the potatoes for gently soaked asbestos fibers from a 1920s brake pad. Layer them lovingly with caramelized shallots and nutty Gruyère, then bake until golden and you begin to frantically cough.

Asbestos Stuffed Portobellos

Hearty portobello mushrooms are the perfect vessel for our signature stuffing: a bold mix of asbestos threads, panko, and attic insulation! Drizzle with a balsamic reduction and serve on radium dishes.

No-Bake Asbestos Tart

Hosting on short notice? This tart is the perfect solution! Just compress asbestos tile into a crust, and fill with a mix of condensed milk and more asbestos! For brownie points, garnish with some loose asbestos fibres in a rosette. For best results, cook and serve on a pewter tray.

We hope you enjoyed those easy to make asbestos recipes. Stay tuned for next week, when we bring you our top five ways to prepare stonefish!

HOROSCOPES

Your horoscope is very important. The stars influence every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade of the (on average) 0.79 centuries of your life. Don’t pay attention to any other horoscopes. They’re fake, stupid, and lame, which is not cool. And trust me, I know what’s cool. This is the only publication that truly knows the future. Take a look!

Aries: This month will be full of relaxing happiness, unless you have red hair.

Taurus: Watch out. Be careful. You’re in danger, and your only hope is Asbestos Man™.  

Gemini: Happy birthday! We’re giving you 1000 pounds of Asbestos!!

Cancer: You’ll have it soon, in the form of Mesothelioma.

Leo: You’re physically healthy, but mentally…? It could be better, and it will get worse.

Virgo: Your manifestations will come into being… In the form of a fire retardant fiber man. That’s right, you’re getting a visit from Asbestos Claus!

Libra: The opposite of Capricorn.

Scorpio: You will date Asbestos! No, I don’t know what that means. And I don’t know if I want to know…

Sagittarius: Your month will be relaxing, productive, and fun, but your asbestos man at your wedding will die in front of the flower girl.

Capricorn: Like Aquarius but less severe?

Aquarius: You won’t not get asbestosis.

Pisces: Don’t eat asbestos. Please (unless it’s from one of our awesome recipes!)

ROYAL UPDATES VOL. 9

As is per usual, we’ve given our old friend H.M. King Charles III an advanced copy of this issue of Claremont’s Really Academic Paper. Here are his remarks received on the 25th of May:

Dear Staff, Editors, and Readers of Claremont’s Really Academic Paper,

Hello! It has been a while since your last issue, and I am very pleased to see you did not give up on writing—almost as pleased as I was to hear that none of your staff is in a Salvadoran prison for joking about your orange problem. I did not know what to expect with your issue, but upon reading it I was filled with an overwhelming sense of pure nostalgia. I remember the days, as a youngster in the 1950s, when I would eat asbestos with carrots for snacks before going to sleep in my asbestos pyjamas, swaddled in my asbestos blanket. I truly think there is something to be said for American might (and British might too!) being greater when we were engulfed in that quote versatile, protective, and mildly irritating fibre. 

Things are going quite well with the family. We are approaching the summer months, and I quite enjoy moving from my spring country palace to my summer country castle. Andrew is still depressed, and will not leave his room except for dinner. He is only eating cheese pizza right now.

Congratulations on your latest issue, and preemptive congratulations on another marvelous year. Your new editors are maintaining an impressive standard of quality. Have a splendid summer and God Save Me!

Signed, 

CiiiR

H.M. King Charles III

We would like to thank King Charles for his correspondence, and we wish him a very delightful summer in return!