The Writer's Block Issue

WELCOME!

It’s finally November. The best month of the year. The month of thankfulness, food, and also Christmas. Yeah. Christmas. As a heartfelt thank you to our readers, we’re publishing this very special issue, made up of a bunch of pieces we’ve wanted to publish for ages but haven’t been able to fit in any of our old issues. It’s definitely not just because we’re lazy and couldn’t think of anything to write. It’s not like this is called the Writer’s Block Issue or anything. Anyways, we do think this issue is pretty cool. So go out (stay inside) and get reading! 

-Editorial Board

P.S. Please apply to write for us by clicking the “comp” tab on our website header. We know you see it. 👀

WRITER'S BLOCK

Picture this: It’s 10:00 at night. You sit down at your computer. You’re finally done with homework. You open Google Docs and say to yourself “I’m gonna do it! Today’s the day I finally write that hilarious piece for C.R.A.P.!” But as soon as you type the first letter, your ideas drain from your head. Like a cheap hourglass, every single grain of sand has fallen away in an instant. Every funny idea, gone. Now, imagine that happening almost every day, for months. That’s writer’s block. 

If writer's block was a tangible object, I probably would have smashed it with a sledgehammer by now. But sadly, its origins are more elusive than Bigfoot and more frustrating than word searches (side note: why are word searches so freaking hard?). I’m also not allowed a sledgehammer, according to the US 9th circuit court of appeals. As a writer for Claremont's Really Academic Paper, you would think that coming up with witty and hilarious content for the Wolfpacket would be a breeze for me. After all, I'm a “comedy genius,” right? Well, not so much. Turns out, writer's block doesn't discriminate. It doesn't care if you’re a Harvard Professor or a High School dropout. It's an equal-opportunity annoyance, and it's been haunting me like a ghost. And not even a cool, scary ghost. A lame one, like Casper. (Author’s note: I’m sorry, Casper. I know Halloween is over, but I hope we’re still cool.)

I remember the many nights when I sat down at my computer, done with my nightly homework, brimming with confidence and a dose of self-delusion. My friends and I were ready to dazzle our readers with some really funny stuff. But as soon as I typed the first letter, my mind went blank. It was like my brain had taken a coffee break without telling me, leaving me stranded in a desert of creativity, parched for even a drop of humor. I turned to my friends: each one of us tried to conjure some hilarious ideas, but they were elusive, slipping through our fingers in an instant (ABBA reference?).

I stared at the blinking cursor on the screen, taunting me with its unrelenting emptiness. My fingers hovered over the keyboard, ready to type the funniest sentence ever written. But all I got was a series of backspaces, as I struggled to come up with something, anything even remotely funny. I frantically searched my brain for a punchline, but all I found were cobwebs and tumbleweeds. What little comedic skill I had was gone.

As the minutes turned into hours, my frustration grew. I paced around my room, muttering to myself like Curly from the Three Stooges. I tried to force the humor, but that never works. It just makes things awkward. Days turned into weeks, and our self-imposed writing deadline was looming closer. I tried every trick in the book to break through my creative block. I drank Logan Paul’s energy drink PRIME, hoping that the Paulyness would kickstart my brain into overdrive. I tried meditation, hoping that inner peace would bring forth inner puns. It did not. The most valuable thing I learned from that week is to avoid PRIME at all costs. It sucks.

Then, the other night, I had an epiphany. What if I just write about writer’s block? Would it work? Could it work? Surprisingly, it did. The words started to trickle back as if my brain had finally decided to end its vacation and return to work (like four months late, but whatever). I furiously typed away, making up for weeks of lost time. And then, I was done. I did it! I wrote the rough draft of a cool-sounding piece for C.R.A.P.! The ideas flew, the (admittedly very few) punchlines landed, and I finally breathed a sigh of relief.

I showed it to the rest of the staff and we spent the next few days heavily revising it until we got this. #TeamworkMakesTheDreamWork, I guess. I want to say there’s a moral here, but I’m still feeling kind of uninspired. I guess “write what you know” works. But whatever you take from this piece, it was kind of fun to write. Maybe we’ll loosely theme our next issue around it. Use a bunch of old ideas we wanted to use because we can’t come up with fresh ones, or something. I can see it now! The Writer’s Block Issue, which you’re reading now.

A NOTE ON THIS ISSUE'S COVER ART

I would like to take a moment to clarify a few things about this issue’s cover art. I originally made this cover in spring of 2022. After its completion, it just sat in our google drive folder for the better part of a year. We had finally planned to use it in May 2023, but the writers strike happened. Then, somebody accidentally deleted the original file, we had to recover it through a weird and complicated process, and eventually, slated this issue for November 2023. 

As you can see, this cover is our interpretation of the art for the Beatles’ 1967 album Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (Please don’t sue us, Apple Corps!). It took ages to complete and includes a lot of easter eggs, so I thought I’d take some time to list out everyone pictured on the cover, left to right, from top to bottom.

Top Row: Boromir, Merry Brandybuck, Pippin Took, Jon Stewart, Frodo Baggins, Gimli, Michelangelo’s David (with googly eyes), Stephen Colbert, Elvis, Adam Clayton, President Eisenhower, Bono, The Edge, Larry Mullen Jr, Han Solo, Charlie Chaplin from “The Great Dictator”, Dark Helmet, Samwise Gamgee, Aragorn, Gandalf (the Grey), and Legolas.

Second Row: Homer Simpson, John Green, Jack Black, Jamie from Mythbusters (dressed as Mr. T), Screaming Kyle Gass, Funny Ringo, The Flaming C, Harambe, Voldemort, Tony Soprano, “Weird Al” Yankovic, Tobias Fünke, Saul Goodman, Stormy Daniels, and President George Washington.

Front Row: Kyle Gass (Again), Madman John, Abbey Road George, They Don’t Even Know Wojack Man, Abbey Road Ringo, The Flaming C, I’m With COCO, Joe Biden, Joseph Stalin, Conan O’Brien, Slim Shady 

Very front: Sgt. Pepper John, Paul, George, and Ringo, Wentworth O’Connor the Wolf

GIVING THANKS

We have a lot to be thankful for this year. And since it’s Thanksgiving, I figured it would be nice to talk about all the things I, as a regular, normal teenager, have to be thankful for. First and foremost, I'm grateful for my perfectly imperfect family. You know, the kind of family where the only arguments we have are about which private jet to take for our winter vacation in the Swiss Alps. And speaking of vacations, I'm endlessly thankful for the cultural experiences I've had—like that time we went to Africa and I got to buy my own giraffe. 

I am thankful for my education, especially my private tutors. Without them, I might have struggled to understand the nuances of quantum physics, ancient Greek philosophy, and the art of folding napkins into swans. I hear some kids have to take the SATs themselves, but luckily, my tutor excels at taking my standardized tests. It's all very normal, you know? I'm truly thankful for my extensive collection of designer clothing. It's a privilege to wear couture, and I wouldn't trade it for all the plebeian fashion choices in the world. The mere thought of off-the-rack garments sends shivers down my cashmere-clad spine.

I am thankful for the person who drives me to school every day. Not my mom, of course. My chauffeur, Enrique. My parents would never trust me to drive my own Rolls yet! After all, I am only 14. I'm thankful for the numerous charities my family supports, like the "Save the Rich" foundation and the "Luxury Yacht Preservation Society." It feels good to make a difference in the world, one tax-deductible donation at a time–not that we pay taxes anyways. I am thankful for the friendships that have shaped my character—like the time my personal shopper introduced me to a fellow heiress who shares my passion for collecting rare gemstones. Friendship, after all, is the cornerstone of a healthy social life.

In conclusion, as I sit here in my bespoke, velvet chaise lounge, sipping on the tears of the commoners (aka brita purified tap water), I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. It's important to acknowledge the blessings in our lives, no matter how big or how small—thats what she said!

SEBASTIAN'S CORNER #8 - WHY I LOVE LOS ANGELES

There is a league of things that possess a certain “sacred” quality. When I say “sacred” though, I want anyone reading this to understand that I don’t necessarily mean religious. Rather it means anything of true significance. For example, great art. This league of sacred objects also extends to history. Things of historical significance also belong in this league. Many cities possess a vast amount of sacredness for the above mentioned reasons. Take for example the pinnacle of great cities: Paris. It has seen troops from two world wars. It has been the capital of multiple empires. Pieces of art that can be recognized by half the planet reside in that city. Some of the most affluent philosophers and thinkers have lived and resided in Paris at some point in their lives. For these reasons, one can deduce that Paris is a sacred city. Now apply it to where we find ourselves: Los Angeles. 

In a sense, Los Angeles is the biggest non-sacred city in the western world. With a population nearly double that of Paris it doesn’t have a tenth of the significance and sacredness. In terms of historical significance, Los Angeles has almost none. Los Angeles has had immense population growth only in the past 70 years leaving it with a huge population yet little to no historical significance. In terms of great art, Los Angeles has some great contributions such as Snoop Dog and Hollywood but in the long run of humanity, these contributions to pop culture are mere blimps in the scope of pieces of art such as Michelangelo’s “David”. 

So here you are in a city that has little to no historical significance but a population that is almost as big as Denmark. What can anybody salvage from this highly insignificant place? I’ll tell you exactly what. The only thing worse than being the worst, is being the average. Los Angeles is exactly what Tokyo, New York, Rio de Janeiro, and Rome aren't. For this reason, I encourage you to be proud of being from Los Angeles. For you it may not be the most beautiful but it is certainly the most unique. No city of this size has ever existed with so little to offer to the world. I’d even go as far as to argue that the lack of sacredness is sacred in itself. This sounds weird but consider that not everything beautiful is pretty. It is an incredibly beautiful and majestic thing that we live in a place in which there is no century long identity that holds us together. Rather we are held together by our determination to stick out the crazy traffic, the ridiculous housing prices, the homelessness, etc. We live in a dystopian city and god dammit we love it. We may not have a “Wall Street” or a “Sistine Chapel” but guess what, we have…. And that is what makes us special.

CHS SENIOR ATHLETES HEAD OFF TO COLLEGE!

It’s recruitment season for many senior athletes here at CHS! This means that many seniors at CHS are being approached by colleges that would be interested in having them play for their college sports teams. We talked to a number of these athletes, and have obtained permission to announce their commitments right here! Congratulations to the following athletes:

• Benito Sandoval: University of Phoenix Crew Team

• Sebastian Quadrini: Biola University Equestrian Polo Team

• Adam Thielke: Sycamore Elementary School Track & Field

• Harith Nasrun: Oxford University Pickleball Team

• Susanna Thrush: Maritime Academy Model Train Racing Team

• Henry “Hank” Aaron: Cal State Fullerton Baseball Team

• Sando Lorso: Cal State Mos Eisley Pod Racing Team

• Edna House: Wayne State College Sailing Team

• Eva Christianson: SNHU.EDU Fortnite Team

• Jack J. Jackson: Jackson State Jackson Team

• Mike Johnson: Liberty University Abstinence Team

• Richard R. Rich: Yale Spoiled Children’s/Spikeball Team

THE WORST THEY COULD SAY IS NO

Me: Hey could we talk for a sec?

Them: Yeah, sure. What’s up?

Me: I’ve kinda been waiting to tell you this in person, so here goes. You’re the person that I have a crush on.

Them: Wait—really?

Me: Yeah. And I hope maybe we could go out to see a movie or something sometime? 

Them: Uhh… no. No way.

Me: Ouch. That was a bit harsh. 

Them: Listen, you’re a wonderful person, but I just don’t really feel a connection.

Me: Ok, I guess. I hope we can still be friends though.

Them: Honestly, probably not. 

Me: What the heck, why?

Them: It’s not that I don’t like you, but I just don’t like you very much.

Me: I know you don't like me romantically, but at least I’m an ok person, right?

Them: Not really, to be honest. There’s just something about you. Well, not something. Your hair sucks, you dress like a 6 year old, you’re about as funny as a ham sandwich…

Me: You can stop now.

Them: I know. Anyways, you look like you got a botched facelift, your music taste is garbage, your mom sucks…

Me: Ok, ok, I get it. Again, could we at least stay in touch?

Them: I’ll probably say that, but block you when I get home.

Me: Honestly, it would've been better if you found out I liked you, never told me that you knew, kept leading me on, slowly started avoiding me in person while telling everyone else that the last thing you want to do is date me (but that you don’t want to reject me because you’re scared it will hurt my feelings), before I find out through a friend that you never liked me in the first place. 

Them: I mean, I know I can be a jerk, but that sounds freaking awful. 

Me: Thanks, I guess. So it’s a no, right?

Them: Yes.

Me: Like, yes yes?

Them: Yes as in no. Never. Over my dead body. 

Me: Ok. I guess I’ll just go.

Them: But I want to date you!

Me: Wait really??!

Them: No.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR: I DON'T UNDERSTAND WORDS ANYMORE

I just don’t get it. I literally don’t understand what people are saying anymore. I was doing fine with cap, no cap, and bussing. I was even getting the hang of stuff like rizz and sus. But I just can’t keep up. The words are changing too fast. 

I do not know how to stick out my gyatt, nor why I would do it for this so-called rizzler. Who even is he? While we’re at it, what the hell is a skibidi? I understand it has something to do with toilets, but I’m confused. Is it like a sigma? Is it a cleaning spray for bathroom appliances? I genuinely have no clue. 

I won’t be paying taxes to Fanum, unless he works for the IRS, and I certainly do not own the state of Ohio. I don’t know why you want me to spill the tea—that would just make a mess. I don’t know how to yeet or skrrt, and I don’t know if I want to learn. I thought De Bussy was a composer, but now I fear I may have gotten that wrong. 

The worst part of this? I’m only 12, and I don’t understand anything anymore. I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now what I’m with isn’t it anymore and what’s it seems weird and scary. And it’ll happen to you!

MY FIRST KISS

Note: Can somebody else please write this story?

HOROSCOPES

Your horoscopes are very important. They influence every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade of every (on average) .79 centuries of your life. Don’t pay attention to any other horoscopes. They’re fake, stupid and lame, which is not cool. And trust me, I know what’s cool. Thus is the only publication that truly knows the future. Take a look! 

Aries: Avoid all Libras this month, as they will bring nothing but minor annoyance. 

Taurus: Remember, there’s no us in Taurus. Wait. Never mind. Have a fun month and stuff. 

Gemini: If you eat the yams at Thanksgiving, you will die. 

Cancer: You don’t have cancer, but you do have an inability to get in a relationship. 

Leo: Your fate lies inside the turkey… The turkey of life. 

Virgo: Your adventurous spirit will lead you to new and exciting places this week. Unfortunately, those places are the DMV and the dentist's office. 

Libra: This month, spend as much time as possible with every Aires you know. 

Scorpio: Things are finally looking up for you! Enjoy the holiday season, and know that what comes around goes around. 

Sagittarius: Happy Birthday! May this month bring you plenty of happiness and bananas. 

Capricorn: Capricorn? More like Capri-boring-corn. Ha. Take that, bro. You’ve been owned. Frfr. No capping here, brah. Also, stay away from Oxen or whatever. 

Aquarius: Your family might appreciate a home-cooked meal, but they won't appreciate being force-fed your unsolicited life advice. 

Pisces: The opposite of Taurus, whatever that means.

ROYAL UPDATES VOL. 2

On November 1, His Majesty King Charles III ordered for all Almond Joys in Buckingham Palace to be discarded (as he should). On November 2, His Majesty cried while listening to the new Beatles single, “Now and Then”. He enjoyed it very much, and just wished his dear mama (pronounced muh-MAH) could hear it too. On November 9, His Majesty earned his first Victory Royale of the season while playing Fortnite with PM Rishi Sunak. On November 13, His Majesty appointed David Cameron as UK Foreign Secretary, which will in no way backfire politically and hasten the downfall of the Tories. On November 17, His Majesty ate a marmalade sandwich while watching Paddington 2. On November 19, His Majesty decided to knight Mr. Josh Hutcherson for outstanding contributions to Instagram Meme Culture. On November 20, His Majesty Received an advance copy of Claremont’s Really Academic Paper. He said this issue was good, but lacking in certain areas.