Riding the Wolf

WELCOME!

Hi. We tried very hard to come up with a theme for this issue. First, we were going to call it Stress, and have it based around stressful things like finals. That didn’t pan out. Next, we were going to call it Procrastination, and have it center around us procrastinating stuff. That also didn’t pan out. 

But we’ve finally come up with a name that encompasses this issue perfectly: Riding the Wolf. Why did we choose this name? Riding the wolf means many things. It could mean completing finals, asking someone out, or being Batman. Also, we made a really cool cover a while ago and wanted to use it. It’s becoming increasingly evident that we didn’t work very hard on this issue. So why not relax knowing that finals are done and enjoy this edition of C.R.A.P. that we finished writing two hours ago.

-The Editors

RIDING THE WOLF

The wolf. A tenacious animal. And a rideable animal. We asked our writers to think of what “riding the wolf” means to them.

1. "Riding the wolf is definitely not for the faint of heart. I mean, have you seen those teeth? Talk about a wild ride! But if you're up for a thrill, it's definitely worth trying. Just make sure to bring a helmet and a sturdy pair of pants, because you're in for one heck of a bumpy ride."

2. "I thought riding a horse was wild, but let me tell you, riding the wolf is on a whole different level. It's like being on a rollercoaster with fur and fangs. The best part is the look on people's faces when they see you galloping down the street on a giant wolf. Priceless."

3. "Riding the wolf is not for the weak. It is for those who want to experience the meaning of life itself. And let me tell you, it's amazing. Just make sure to hold on tight, because the wolf just might decide to take you on a wild chase through the forest. And don't forget to bring snacks for the wolf. They love children."

4. "I never thought I'd be the type of person to ride a wolf, but when I saw one at the local petting zoo, I knew I had to give it a try. And let me tell you, it was one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life. The wolf's mane blowing in the wind as we galloped across the field was truly magical. Just make sure to bring a lot of carrots, because these wolves love their treats."

5. "Riding the wolf is not for the faint of heart, but it is for those who want to experience the ultimate thrill. The wolf's wild nature makes for a truly exhilarating ride. Just make sure to bring a leash, because you never know when the wolf might decide to take off and go on a wild adventure. And don't forget to bring a camera, because you'll want to capture this once-in-a-lifetime experience."

What does riding the wolf mean to you? DM us on instagram to share your story.

SPARE

My name is Henry Windsor. Throughout my life, I’ve gone by many names: Harold, Harry, H-Dog, H and His Majesty the Duke of Edinburgh. One name that has always stuck out to me, however, is Spare. You must understand. I have had the grave misfortune of having… an older brother. Because of my older brother, Willy, I can never become king. Ever. So, if you will, please let me recount some of my grave misfortunes in a series of exclusive excerpts from my new book, Spare. 

I was thirteen years old. I was so excited to finally go to the same school as my brother, Willie. When servant #28 dropped us off at school, however, Willie turned to me and told me something I will never forget. “When we get inside the school, act like we’re not related,” he said. “It’s better for the both of us.” I was heartbroken. To this day, I firmly believe that I am the only person in the universe who has a mean older brother. This exchange set the precedent for an extremely turbulent relationship going forward, and led to events like that time I suckerpunched him in the jaw. 

Another time, I went to the arctic. It was beautiful up there, but I was not prepared for the intense cold. I had forgotten to pack my insulated underpants that were loaned to me by Sir. Richard Branson. As such, my royal jewels were put at the mercy of the cold breath of Aeolus, the arctic wind. My Willy (not my brother this time) was oscillating and throbbing with the cold. The last place I wanted to be was frostnip-istan. I sought out a number of home remedies I could use on the go. One friend had suggested that I apply Elizabeth Arden’s hyaluronic cream. “My mum put that on her lips,” I said. “You want me to put that on my todger?” “Yes, H-Dogg!” So I did. It felt like my mother was in the room next to me as I applied it to the tip. It worked, but at what cost?

If these stories have not fully convinced you that my life has been exceedingly difficult, then buy “Spare” at your local bookstore today.

AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH CONGRESSMAN GEORGE SANTOS

Hey, Benito here. When I was on the east coast over break, I received a very interesting call from the office of newly elected congressman George Santos. Santos wanted to sit down with me for a conversation to clear up any misconceptions people had about his experience and resume. So after a day in New York, I took the train down to DC to talk to him. Here are some excerpts from our conversation:

Benito: Hi, Representative Santos. Nice to meet you.

George Santos: Nice to meet you too. Call me Sir George, though. I was knighted recently.

B: Ok, Sir George. What made you want to run for congress?

GS: After finishing college, I became an extremely successful investment banker and tech mogul. After a few years, I felt unfulfilled. So I booked a one way plane ticket to Nepal, and studied the mystic arts with some guy named Wong. After I had mastered the art of magic, I had a deep urge to help others. I returned to Long  and started a nonprofit organization to help abandoned animals. It was a bit later that I wanted to realize my dream of serving the US people, and more importantly, my bank account.

B: Tell me a little bit about your college years.

GS: Well I applied to about 34 colleges. Every single one accepted me—even Harvard. Naturally, I decided to go with the most prestigious school I applied to: Baruch Vollege.

B: Vollege?

GS: I say Vollege, Dave, not because I mistyped, but because while I was at Baruch, I was a champion varsity volleyballista.

B: I’m not David Letterman. What do you think qualifies you to be a congressman?

GS: I’ve done many things that qualify me to be a congressman, Stephen.

B: I’m not Stephen Colbert.

GS: I’ve stopped the Titanic from sinking, written the Harry Potter books and walked on the moon with Louis Armstrong or whatever. I even blew up the Death Star. Point is, I’m very qualified. 

B: What would you like to say to all the people accusing you of lying? 

GS: I am not lying, Conan! My mother, Theresa (yes, that one), told me never to lie. It was the ancient philosophy of her grand uncle, George Washington. 

B: One more question: Were you a drag queen in college?

GS: Sorry, Jimmy, I have to go. I have dinner with Abraham Lincoln.

B: I’m not Jimmy Fallon or Jimmy Kimmel.

Santos quickly left the room, insisting that Fallon and Kimmel were his personal friends and that he “knows ‘em when he sees ‘em.” Personally, I don’t think he’s that bright.

LIFE

*Horrible thing happens*

Everyone: “We should probably do something about this.”

Politicians: "I’m good."

Everyone: "Oh ok."

Repeat ad nauseam

YOUR HOROSCOPE

Your horoscope is very important, especially this time of year. Therefore, I have taken the utmost care when divinating your future. Enjoy!

Aires: You might want to avoid going on any boats this month.

Taurus: Hi Dad.

Gemini: Nothing happens.

Cancer: You still have herpes, but you cure it by applying Elizabeth Arden cream a la Prince Harry.

Leo: Don’t talk to any Libras this month.

Virgo: Don’t eat any oranges this month.

Libra: Talk to as many Leos as you can.

Scorpio: Your iPad will be stepped on by a friend.

Sagittarius: You're cool, as long as you’re born in November.

Capricorn: This is a zodiac sign?

Aquarius: Happy Birthday!

Pisces: You’ll pass all of your finals, but get dumped at the dance.