Tech mogul and closeted Kanye West fan Elon Musk is buying the Claremont High School Wolfpacket, effective immediately. Musk has detailed his plans for total media domination in the past, but it was unclear until now that these plans included the acquisition of Claremont High’s second best student run publication. When reached for comment, Musk did not respond. However, he did post the following tweet after the purchase had been completed:

"Just bought a high school newspaper for a cool $1 million. Many people don't realize the value of quality journalism, but I do. Nothing like a little #MuskMoney to shake things up and show the media how it's done.”

This acquisition comes on the heels of Musk banning the Twitter accounts of multiple journalists who criticized his leadership of Twitter, especially in regards to the banning of ElonJet, an account that tracked his private jet. Musk has stated that he is a “free speech absolutist,” but his recent actions call that claim into question. It will be interesting to see what Musk does with the Wolfpacket in the future. Stay tuned for future issues of C.R.A.P. for more information on this developing story.

OP-ED: THE WORLD CUP IS OVER, AND NOW I’M DEPRESSED

Hey, C.R.A.P. readers and editors. I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention to the world for the last month, but there was a little thing going on called the FIFA World Cup. When I stumbled upon this event on Telemundo 52 over thanksgiving break, I was intrigued. I honestly didn’t know soccer was a thing we did in other countries. I thought it was just something that we had to go to on Saturdays because my little sister plays AYSO. However, I’m enlightened now! I started watching religiously every day on channel 52. Later on, I found out they broadcast the World Cup in English too. Who knew!? It turns out it’s popular everywhere.

After getting swept up in this soccer—or should I say fútbol—fever, I’ve made the World Cup my whole personality. Personally, I was rooting for this Latin American underdog team from the country of Argentina. They have this player named Messi who is freaking a-may-zing. And since they won on Saturday, I’ve been feeling empty inside. Completely empty. What am I supposed to do with my life now?!

Is there anything to do at school besides watch the World Cup instead of studying for a math test? What do I post on Instagram now? For the past month, my stories have been nothing but Ronaldo and Neymar thirst traps… I need help. I’ve been wearing my one Pulisic jersey every day since that epic goal. Also, I hate the Dutch. I need guidance. I need something else to do, because the storm of fútbol that I got swept into on November 18th has subdued. So please, help me, because there’s no way in hell I’m watching horse racing.

Sincerely,

An American who gets really into soccer every four years

EXCERPT FROM SANTA’S 2022 NAUGHTY LIST

The following is an excerpt from Santa Clause’s 2022 Naughty List, obtained from an elf who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of offending "the big guy." Please enjoy.

Kanye West for being Kanye West
Donald Trump, who won a permanent spot here in 1982
My coffee table because I always stub my toe against it when I go to get eggnog
Dr. O’Connor for failing to defeat 3 different Spider-Men last winter
Adam Thielke for assassinating President John F. Kennedy
Saturday Night Live for being slightly less funny since Seth Meyers left
Jay Leno for stealing material from Richard Pryor
Vladimir Putin for being alive
The Harvard Lampoon because they asked me to put the Harvard Crimson on this list
The Harvard Crimson because they asked me to put the Harvard Lampoon on this list
Former UK Prime Minister Liz Truss for murdering Queen Elizabeth II
Anonymous LA County Man for having kids at a party with a topless male Santa, and not inviting me
Canvas Course Management Systems for being a pain in the ass
Disney for producing too many Marvel movies
Flyfish from Splatoon
That kid who cheated on that history test because now 70+ people have to write an essay right after winter break
The stingray that killed Steve Irwin for obvious reasons
President Warren G. Harding for Harding his Warren one too many times
Claremont’s Really Academic Paper for not being creative or funny with this comedy bit

SEBASTIAN’S CORNER #2

The Claremont High School student body is by far the most intense concentration of moral and honest people in modern history. From the tops of the social ranks to lowest we praise academic honesty and equity amongst each other. But like the American police force and the Roman Catholic Church, there are a few bad apples. In the beautiful monument of trust, built between the CHS students and teachers, there are a few cracks. In the last 24 hours as of December 20th 6:00 PM, the state of trust has been severely damaged. The tiny cracks in the monument aren’t tiny anymore. Imperfections taint the gold detailing that once glistened in the sun. Rust creeps up from the base of the monument threatening the once glorious beauty. What has happened that has caused such a disturbance in the trust between students and teachers you ask? Ask any student of Mr. Easton’s IB HOTA course.

Editor’s note: this is obviously not Mr. Easton’s fault

As a 2nd period student of Mr. Easton, I will generously give you a run-down of what has occurred. On Thursday and Friday last week (Dec. 15 and 16), the students of Mr. Easton were taking their Mexican Revolution unit tests as usual. The only thing was that Mr. Neal, the beloved substitute teacher, was subbing in place for Mr. Easton. Despite being instructed, Mr. Neal forgot to tell the students to place all backpacks at the front of the room. An opportunity was at hand. An elderly substitute on his phone at the front of the room. Your phone is merely an extension of the arm away. While most didn’t think to do it, a couple did. And of that couple, someone acted on those impulses. Students used this as an opportunity to take pictures of the test and to also look up answers. I have personally received multiple verbal confirmations that people from the second period have sent pictures of the test to students in 4th period. The most tragic aspect about this situation is that it is impossible to determine exactly who cheated. While we can definitely pin down a handful of people, we can’t be sure that we have them all. Mr. Easton has recognized this and has decided that the test will be retaken in January instead of punishing the cheaters directly, since there is no way to know the full extent of this horrible plague.

A ferver of rage encapsulates the honest students of Mr. Easton. Suspicions run high as people speculate as to who the original cheaters of second period are. Louis Nolte and I have taken it into our own hands to find and bring justice to the original photographers of second period. While I don’t want to say much about my current investigation I will say this, we have very promising suspects and I will make sure that they will pay for their crimes against IB HOTA students. May God bring justice to the damned.

Sebastian’s Corner is a monthly semi-satirical column written by Sebastian Quadrini, usually revolving around and lampooning CHS culture.

ADAM’S CHRISTMAS HOT TAKES

California Christmases suck because there is no snow.
Hot chocolate really isn’t all that good when really hot, it is best when warm.
Santa is black.
Santa should deliver by drone, like the US does in Afghanistan.
Polar Express is really good, the CGI isn’t that weird anymore, and the story is really good.
Presents aren’t the best part of Christmas, the vibes are.
Meeting with family for Christmas is honestly kinda awkward and really uncomfortable.
If your family is very Christian, then act extremely gay around them. -Sun Tzu, The Art of War
If your family is racist, condemn their racism but don’t act like a different race because that is racist. -Sun Tzu, The Art of War
Bill Clinton deserved the game of the year award, good for him.
Many around this time of year will want to find love as a New Year's resolution, but honestly, this is cringe. You tell me what’s better: someone to take care of you, love you, and cherish you, or a PS5.

C.R.A.P.’s NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

Find love, donate PS5
Get in shape, go to the gym
Stop going to the gym in February
Read a smart book like War and Peace or the Magic Treehouse
Given the current political climate in Claremont, avoid booking topless Santa Clauses for parties
Get milk from VONS (attainable goal)
Stop listening to Kanye’s music
Log off Instagram
Learn how to write a check (not important according to my homeroom teacher)
Learn how to change a tire (really important according to my homeroom teacher)
Write funny stuff for C.R.A.P.

LYLE'S HOLIDAY HELP

The holiday season is upon us, and with it comes an age old question: What holiday is best? And more importantly, do these holidays include festive family feuds that end with uncle Jeffrey eating pie alone in his VW bus? There are several holidays that claim to be the king of December, but which one truly is? My first idea to rank them was by having an epic boxing match between all the holidays, but I couldn’t find a venue to host the match, so I decided to rank them according to my opinion. If you disagree, please direct all complaints to your mirror. After deliberating for days, I whittled the list down to two. Importantly, these two holidays include getting free things from relatives you barely know, and better yet, relatives that barely know you. But before making our decision, we need to introduce you to the holidays, Diwali and Pearl Harbor day.

Diwali, known as the Festival of Lights, is a great Hindu holiday from Northern India which idealizes knowledge over ignorance (which you have not achieved by reading this paper) good over evil, and light over dark. This is really important and can be a very easy way to get you into the holiday spirit. Best of all, this holiday includes gifting things such as chocolate and candles (if you want to have the best Diwali gifts, get in contact with the CHS marching band). Just make sure you don’t leave the candles with a band kid, he will use it for a cult ritual*.

Pearl Harbor Day is one of the most well-known and celebrated holidays of the winter months and therefore the entire year. But before we talk about the benefits of celebrating Pearl Harbor Day, let’s go over some historical facts. Pearl Harbor was a naval Air Force base in Hawaii during the Second World War. It served as a communication hub between Dick Wiener’s Gun, Plane, and Bomb Emporium, the main supplier of war material to the Allies, and Allied high command. The Japanese emperor, Hirohito, seeing this, decided to attack with strength only comparable to that of a muscular, shirtless Santa Claus. Long story short, the USS Arizona and many other ships went down like your mother did on a bunch of shirtless male Santa Clauses.

Why celebrate Pearl Harbor Day? Firstly, it’s a great opportunity for the overenthusiastic patriotis to burn down the forest (sorry got confused with the 4th of July). Secondly, you get gifts! “What kind of gifts?”, I hear you asking eagerly. Well, the gift of tacky military memorabilia and stupid small guitars! This is a great opportunity for your loved ones to buy you a “Remember Pearl Harbor” bumper sticker for 2.99 USD or 4.06 CAD even though you still don’t have a driver's license! That’s right, I'm looking at all you Scorpios.

In short, celebrate both. They both give you gifts and it’s dumb to fight over which one is better. I, for one, can't wait to admire my Pearl Harbor challenge token while eating chocolate and enjoying the rich aroma of my beautiful scented candles. (Courtesy of the CHS IM program)

P.S. band kids do not take part in cult rituals, don’t believe everything you read, see, or hear.

*The Claremont High School Instrumental Music program is in no way affiliated with C.R.A.P. or the opinions of its writers. The CHS IM program also does not currently sell scented candles!!!

YOUR HOROSCOPE

Your horoscope is very important, especially this time of year. Therefore, I have taken the utmost care when divinating your future. Enjoy!

Aires: A strange man will come into your life, when you look in the mirror. Boom, roasted.

Taurus: You will get the wrong sex toy for Christmas, and your sexual orientation with flip. If you’re bisexual, I guess you’re still bisexual.

Gemini: You still don’t have friends.

Cancer: You don't have cancer, but you still have herpes. It spread a little.

Leo: You’ll freak out over not receiving the right gift from your Alzheimer’s-stricken grandmother.

Virgo: You will witness Mommy kissing Santa Claus in her bedroom. Then, you'll see Mommy [REDACTED]. Finally, Mommy cries as Santa runs to the chimney and says “Gotta go deliver presents. I’ll be back next year!” He won’t be back next year. He will FedEx your family coal though!

Libra: If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with mesothelioma, you may be entitled to financial compensation.

Scorpio: You will lose something of value, but not a lot of value. $4.99 max.

Sagittarius: Happy belated Birthday!

Capricorn: Happy Birthday!

Aquarius: Happy early Birthday!

Pisces: Nothing of note happens to you this month. Happy Holidays!

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