The Wolf Packet

BREAKING NEWS: CRAP BUYS WOLFPACKET, PROMISES TO "TRANSFORM" THE PAPER WITH "CUTTING EDGE HUMOR"

CLAREMONT, CA – Another year, another April stunt from Claremont’s Really Academic Paper, who have bought the Wolfpacket in a leveraged buyout from CHS. In honor of April fools, they promise to “transform” the paper with their groundbreaking, innovative humor. The 2025 “Wolf Packet” parody will be the finest and funniest publication for students by students at Claremont High School. This is a historic step for Claremont’s Really Academic Paper because it is the first time their April Fools issue has actually been brought to readers on time. It is sure to be a funny issue, but there is a level of pressure resting on new CRAP President/EIC Lyle Llewellyn Mideiros, who took the job over from founder, humor titan, and current student at UC Davis (the Harvard of Northern California) Benito Sandoval. Mideiros insists that “this issue will be one of the top 4 funniest Wolfpacket Parody Issues we have ever done, and the first to be legitimate!” That is statistically likely, but remains to be seen. Read the first issue of CHS’s NEW “Wolf Packet” to find out! 

NATIONAL NEWS: WHITE HOUSE GAMER CHAT SCANDAL

WASHINGTON, DC – “Where’s my team!?” shouts the 47th president of the United States of America, “We’re pulling out Mr. President”, says J.D. Vance, the real ASB President of CHS, “I’m one shot, get the meddy over here!” states the Secretary of Defense, “I’m right here.” Responds Robert Kennedy Jr. “Frankly, report the guy from the Atlantic.” 

These were some of the leaked chat logs between the president and his White House staff while playing their favorite game, Concord ( a semi-popular first person shooter). Since these chat logs were released, the White House has gone into full defense. Along with the aforementioned statements, there was a lot of “locker room talk” such as the word Nitwit, as well as other racy words. In a press conference, the President stated “Quite frankly, this breach in security is completely unacceptable, we will be banning the Atlantic Gaming Guild, and they won’t be allowed to play with us anymore.” 

On Monday March 31st, a new development in the story was released that terrorism charges have been levied over some of the things stated in the Gamer chat between the White House staff and the Chancellor of Germany, much of what was said is too graphic to depict on our publication, however among the released logs, were (unofficial) declarations of war and genuine threats of terrorism to the home of the Crown Prince of Iran‘s mother. The United Nations published a release calling the incident an “Hey guys, knock it off, st-stop it (but keep giving us money) he-hey, come on guys, stop it.” As this story develops, we will keep publishing information on it.

SCHOOL NEWS: ASB ELECTION STOLEN

CLAREMONT HIGH SCHOOL – Recently, there was a robbery, not of goods, or of services, like those learned about in AP Econ with Mr. Thomas, but of an election, like those learned about in AP Government with Mr. Thomas. JD Vance was snubbed of his win in the CHS election for ASB. Although somehow a legitimate candidate (despite not going to CHS or ever visiting the city) he was taken off the ballot, sending the message to the great students of Claremont High School, the greatest and freest school around, that our great school isn’t truly free.

“Justice for JD!” students cry out in the hall, but will the school listen? Never. These protesting students claim ASB is an oligarchical state (if you don’t know what this is, take AP Gov with Mr. Thomas) and the students are suffering at its wrath. Some have shown displeasure with being "forced around, stuffed into packed gymnasiums, conscripted to play ASB's games," and most recently with an allegedly rigged election. 

As posters are being hung up and down the halls, the teachers of CHS, likely tired of also being forced to go to rallies, are supporting Vance as well. “All he wanted to do was get rid of the reckless ASB spending!” said one anonymous teacher. In his final speech to the school, he stated “ASB is not an organization for the student, it is a state, a corporation, that doesn’t have you best interest in mind. They spend the school’s money heedlessly. Elon has already found over $300 in reckless ASB spending, $150 in new chairs, after ASB broke them in a rally, multiple times.”

Vance ran on a platform of ending wasteful spending and representing the will of the student greater body, and this was too much, the powers that be couldn’t allow such a knot in the reins around our school. Now sure, you may be wondering why JD Vance, the most memed Vice President in history, was running for ASB President. Well, it’s because he had nothing better to do.

OP-ED: A.I. SHOULD REPLACE TEACHERS

Here’s a draft for your letter asking that A.I. replace teachers in schools:

Hi readers!

I’m going to cut to the chase. Let’s face it, students at our school already use AI writing assistants, and other artificial intelligences in all of our classes. In English class when we don’t want to write that annoying essay and in math class when we don’t understand difficult calculus problems. So let’s jump the middle man!

Instead of spending eight hours a day in classrooms, let’s just spend 30 minutes at home typing things in ChatGPT, I think that would be a far better waste of time than school already is. But that’s just me.

Sincerely,

[your name]

How’s that? Let me know if you’d like any adjustments to tone or content!

OP-ED 2: JFK FILES–WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

Well, here they are! After a long time waiting, I can say that I’ve finally gained access to the top secret JFK Files (they released them for everyone who works here at FOX News). I’m here to bring you the inside scoop on why JFK’s head just did that. Here it is:

On November 22 in Dallas Texas, bhjkrelwreio brehiobgc bhiuoerbgci4ov buyicogb bciuotcguiobgt bucgiobhuc4gi buciobu4 book depository. In an effort to maximize transparency, these records were released without redactions and some of these records contain the personal identification information of living individuals. The National Archives and Records Administration and the Social Security Administration were working closely together to protect the individuals who may be affected from their information being exploited. NARA has begun the process Illuminati  of identifying and will be contacting individuals whose personal identification informa Fidel Castro tion are included in the records. Milk Shake However, those who believe they may be affected should contact the National Archives Cgbu Bgu4u KGB. byioe byiefosbyiove byuveobyvuo byiuesobyfeiso Cuban gorilla fighters* byhuoerber Whipped Cream bhifeo byhuobefvyf vyhjihwv vyuosvryh byuoebvyvr byhiufeobv byhuoes 

Well, there you have it! That’s about everything. Crazy, huh?

*Cuban gorilla fighters is not a typo. We believe Castro was running a program training people to fight gorillas or vice versa.

A&E: AVENGERS DOOMSDAY PLOT LEAKED!!

The Marvel Renaissance is here! You may have seen the casting announcement for the new Avengers: Doomsday movie, but I’m here to tell you that it’s all a big misdirect. We here at the Wolf Packet have obtained an advance copy of the script for this new Avengers flick, and we’re spilling all the juicy details here.

The film begins with Doctor Doom (RDJ) emerging from the Quantum Realm wearing an Iron Man suit forged from vibranium and powered by the souls of cancelled Marvel TV characters. His goal? To erase all continuity errors in the MCU using a device called The Disney+ Subscription Stone, which grants ultimate editorial control over history. To stop him, the remaining Avengers team up with the newly introduced Fantastic Four, played entirely by the cast of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (and they don’t play the ones you’d think!!). Then reality collapses, merging the MCU with other franchises. Jack Black enters the fray as Steve from Minecraft, who wields an enchanted pickaxe capable of breaking the fourth wall—literally. As he mines through dimensions, naming every object he sees, he accidentally unearths a long-lost Spider-Man 4 script, causing a reality implosion that spawns a brand new Spider-Man, played by Ryan Gosling.

Meanwhile, Daniel Radcliffe’s Wolverine and Patrick Stewart’s Professor X return once again, only for the latter to immediately die in the first five minutes (again). Magneto, played by Ian McKellen, dons a large beard and spends the entire movie confused about why he’s not in middle earth, repeatedly blaming Pippin for every mistake on screen. Eventually, Kang the Conqueror arrives, but he is promptly defeated when Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds) tricks him into watching Morbius on repeat until he dissolves into Sony-branded sludge. Dr. Doom is revealed to be RDJ’s character Kirk Lazarus in another method acting role, and the film ends with 6 post-credits scenes:

1. Nick Fury’s New Secret Team – Revealed to be made up entirely of alternate-reality Vin Diesels.

2. Baby Thanos – Adopted by The Rock for a Disney+ series titled Lil’ Thanos.

3. New Thor — We cut to Earth-69420, where a mysterious figure picks up Thor’s hammer. The camera pans up, revealing… Conan O’Brien in full Asgardian armor. "Let’s get weird,” he says

4. Shrek Enters the MCU – Donkey gets the Infinity Gauntlet and uses it to summon more waffles.

5. Kevin Feige’s Revenge – The entire universe resets, undoing the film’s events because the executives at Marvel realized they went too far.

6. The Ultimate Tease – A shadowy figure in the distance is revealed to be… Mickey Mouse in a mech suit, declaring, "It’s crossover time, ya punks!" before cutting to black.

Avengers: Doomsday is scheduled to be a 14-hour epic released in two parts, but you can only watch it on a rollercoaster at Disneyland for the full IMAX 5D experience. Pre-orders for your QuantumVerse 4D Tickets open soon!

THE WOLF PACKET SATIRE SECTION

As Claremont High’s newspaper of record, sometimes things can be a bit stressful. That’s why we like to unwind and, quite frankly, get a bit silly sometimes! This is our satire section, the place we can do that. As usual, take some time to enjoy our really funny spread of jokes and sketches:

COMPETITIVE MANCALA LEAGUE IN BOYS RESTROOM

As the school has gotten stricter with bathroom policies, one thing has remained under the faculty’s noses, hiding in plain sight. Mancala is an ancient wooden board game which uses clear glass blue pebbles and lately, it has taken center stage in the boys restrooms at CHS. Proctors have been finding it very hard to apprehend the kingpin of this whole game circuit, but we were able to seek him out! He told our reporter “I figured it was about time that us boys created a group for boys at this school.” So why mancala, and why in the boys restroom? Well, it seems to us more like a joke than anything else, I mean mancala, really? I haven’t played that since 1995!

GEN ALPHA TEENS SET SIGHTS ON NEW COLLEGE: MR. BEAST UNIVERSITY

While the ordinary CHS senior would likely have their sights set on Harvard, Berkeley, or Cal Poly Pomona, the next generation of CHS students have their sights set on something more their speed: Mr. Beast University. Yes, that’s right, people want to go to an unaccredited university to get taught by Influencers including Mr. Beast as headmaster, Kai Cenat as rizztory professor, and Colleen Ballinger as the music teacher. This new educational system, sponsored by BeastGames Inc and Cocomelon, seems odd, but it sure looks like the future for these youngsters.

SPORTS: BOYS COMPETITIVE YACHTING GOES TO RHODE ISLAND NATIONALS

For the first time in over 52.33 years, Claremont High School is sending a team to the East Coast Youth Yachting National Championships in Rhode Island in the Small Schooner Division. The team captain Richard (Dick) Barrymore said about his team “We are the finest seamen on the west coast. CHS’s team produces the highest quality sailors.” And he is right, Claremont is producing the highest quality seamen on the West Coast. The team must be proficient in multiple different disciplines to receive a good score including Boat-Handling, Docking, and (of course) Seamanship.

The Wolf Packet wishes our team well and hopes that they can come back home with a national title for CHS. They will set sail to Rhode Island in the famous SS Friendship, gifted to former principal Dr. O’Connor by the class of 2022. Godspeed, seamen! 

WORD SEARCH!

THE FIRST CHS STUDENT TO SEND A COMPLETED WORD SEARCH TO OUR INSTA (@CHSCOMEDYPAPER) WINS A PRIZE!

W R T A R R T H E W O R L D O F W A R C R A F T

Y H E S N O R A D M I S S L E S Y S T E M O O P

O I Y B C R A P A J E T O S U B V F U W I O B L

U T R M K A H R I D O R K V B H I O V G ß A Y H

R E N Y Ö I P O G K X M L V N L O C A M H X U O

M S D I O Y B I G J U S T I C E H N V I E R O B

O D F M E W O B V H I A E F B V H Y E I F O O D

M E R U A D E U N J E F I O S B V U H E J I J K

T C A R D I B A R E Y O U S I N G L E ? B H I G 

R W T D Y R U W A O B V Y R V H E F I J S L B X

B B H E F O E B V B H G I E O W R O N J C I W O 

B A W R M I O R K Ü E E B S L O O P J O H N B A

T R W A I O B F C H I R G V C N U T M Ä H E W T

N N C G U Y I B R G E M I O E D P C U P C A K E

B I Ä W S P X N K Y O A G R H Q I V R N V B U A

E C O C A I N E U H E N O W J A P F O P O I J P

O N P T Y M B J I F I Y E F V N I Z I I N F V G 

Y V F V N M C X M X S H U U B H E D V W N I U F 

V E N O E I Ü B N E V I O N I W A B S O M Y O P 

I A B N P B S B T D C N K O E B I V F B ß I W R 

WORD BANK:

VANCE

GAMING CHAT

YACHTING

MANCALA

ASB

WHITE HOUSE

GERMANY

BIG JUSTICE

BLOW UP HAMMER

CONCORD

*There may be other words inadvertently placed within this word search. If you find any, bonus points will be awarded. If you cannot find a word, don't give up! Take a break and come back later.

A MESSAGE FROM CHUCKLETOWN MEDIA, INC. PRESIDENT BENITO SANDOVAL

Hi, everyone. If you're unfamiliar with me, my name is Benito Sandoval. In 2022, Harith Nasrun and I founded (or revived, depending on where you get your sources) Claremont's Really Academic Paper as a place for comedy. The reason we can do this here in the United States is, of course, because of the first amendment's right to free speech. When we joke, we're speaking our minds. When we do, people may agree with us and find us funny. That's great! Other people may disagree and find us quite unfunny. That's fine too. The important thing is that everyone has a right to say what they want to say, and while you could face some consequences, the government cannot punish you for demonstrating your beliefs. Right now, here in the United States, I'm afraid that we may have a government that is pushing this boundary. The Trump administration is revoking the Visas and legal residencies of immigrants just because they disagree with them. This is not ok. Upon entry or re-entry into the Unkited States, people (even American citizens) are getting their phones searched for anything anti-Trump on the grounds of "National Security." This is not ok. I would like to take this opportunity here to do 2 things: First, to state that Chuckletown Media, Inc. will always stand on the side of free speech and against autocracy. Second, if you agree, I would like to encourage you to make your voice heard. Support your fellow Americans if they're targeted by the Trump administration, and stand against the Trump administration when it does. As Mark Twain wrote, "Patriotism is supporting your country all of the time, and your government when it deserves it." I don't think it really deserves it right now. Do you?