The "Our American Nightmare" Issue

WELCOME!

Thank God finals are over! They really do take their toll and can truly ruin a whole week. They certainly have messed things up for yours truly and almost caused this issue to not be made. Therefore it should come as no surprise that we couldn’t create an issue that’s as long as usual, so we’re sorry for that. But man, has it been a month! There were possibilities of taking Greenland and other unimportant countries, escapades regarding Barron Trump, Tik Tok being banned for 14 hours, an inauguration which had “the greatest turn out of any inauguration ever”, Jimmy Carter’s funeral, and of course, finals at Claremont High School. But I guess it’s nothing new in our American nightmare.

-The Editor

OUR AMERICAN NIGHTMARE

The American Dream is no secret. For decades, our main export has been optimism (bombs excluded). News of the land of opportunity has spread far and wide, inspiring us at home to be the best we can be, and those abroad to come seek fame, fortune, and a steady life in our great nation. It’s no secret that, as President Joe Biden once put it, “America is a nation of possibhdijbdhsoldit.” I think he meant to say possibilities. Or pogo sticks. Regardless, we here at CRAP have some urgent and important information to relay to you. The American Dream is… it’s dead. Kristi Noem took it out to her back yard and shot it in the head. OK, maybe it’s not dead, but it’s definitely sleeping, because right now, we’re living in our American Nightmare. 

If only the founding fathers could see how President Musk and Vice President Trump (and JD too I guess) have radically changed America for the lamer, they would be so upset!! Well, actually they probably wouldn’t take issue with a few of their changes, but still. Hamilton would be aghast! Washington abhorred! Jefferson mildly annoyed at the fact that nobody uses $2 bills! They’d certainly be confused by pretty much everything. They’d be confused by Trump getting elected again, by the fact that a billion dollars is an attainable amount of money for some people, and by how an enchanted toad turned human and began giving everyone ill-advised medical advice (looking at you, RFK Jr). 

My point is, stuff sucks right now. California was on fire, there was snow in New Orleans, and countless other things going on both here and abroad. But it could get better! People usually tend to wake up from nightmares, so maybe we as a country can too. And while we’re at it, let’s wake up from the American Dream. We have a golden opportunity to see America for what it really is: the good, the bad, and the just plain weird, and come together to make the country a better place for everyone. We here at CRAP love America, and we hope our alarm clock rings very early tomorrow morning to get us out of this nightmare now.  

CARTER FUNERAL EXCLUSIVE: WHAT WAS SAID BEHIND THE PEWS

Like many Americans, we here at Claremont’s Really Academic Paper watched the state funeral for our 39th president and oldest living president at an astounding 100 years old! And like many Americans, we were very intrigued by something that happened there. It was like a reality TV show reunion! Everyone was there: Bill Clinton, Trump, Justin Trudeau, Mike Pence, Kamala, Obama, and Joseph Robinette Biden Jr, to name a few.

But what really stole the show was when Obama sat next to Trump and they started chit chatting throughout the ceremony. Everybody wants to know what was said and fortunately for our faithful readers, we were able to get a transcript of the conversation from our connections:

Trump: Howdy Obamna, how are you doing?

Obama: Uhhh, Trump, congratulations on the presidency. I’m doing uhhh, well, thanks.

Trump: Thank you, thank you. I’m gonna have the largest inauguration in the history of inaugurations, just like eight years ago. I’m glad to hear you’re well… but where is your beautiful wife Michelle?

Obama: Uhhh, calm down there Trump. She couldn’t make it because of a uhhh trip to Hawaii or something.

B. Clinton: I know what I’d do if my wife were gone on a trip. ha ha.

H. Clinton: Shut your mouth Bill (pulling him back).

B. Clinton: Aw, don’t be that way, I was just joking.

Trump: Yeah, just some locker room talk.

B. Clinton: Yeah.

Obama: Uhhh, the ceremony is starting.

Some time passes

Trump: Psst… Psst… Obamna, I bet I could beat you at golf, I can hit the ball a long way.

Obama: Uhhh, No I bet you couldn’t, have you not seen my bogey game?

Biden: I could beat you, Trump, at umm… golf man. It’s like I always say, hfeluh golf. I have my handicap down to six, man. 

Trump: You certainly do have a handicap with some of those decisions in office.

Harris: Do not converse with them Joe.

Trump: Oh, please, you couldn’t win 2 golf championships like me. I could hit the ball very far, very far.

Pence: Could you guys please keep it down, we’re at a funeral?

Trump, Obama, Harris, H. Clinton, B. Clinton: Shut up Mike Piss.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR: OUR GREATEST FUTURE PRESIDENT

I’ve been wondering myself what will the future of America look like? Sometimes it looks dim and sometimes very bright. But I believe truly that the future of America, at least right now, is a bright one. This is because of the assurance I feel from one person, Barron Trump. There’s no doubt in my mind that my 6’7” king (or Barron) will be able to solve everything because of just how amazing he is.

I, like many other Americans, watched the inauguration on January 20th and what I saw, truly left me in awe. Barron Trump shook the hand of Biden and completely destroyed him in the way that he physically presented himself. As soon as I saw that, I just heard Ben Shapiro in my ears, saying “checkmate liberal”, and wished upon a star that she could show the same determination and American strength, with other world leaders. Think about it, wouldn’t it be amazing to see Barron Trump next to Kim Jong-un, or Xi Jinping? It’s just a future I can’t wait for! I mean, he’s 6’11” for crying out loud!

Biden was so feeble and small compared to my glorious 7’  king at the inauguration and it was an embarrassment to the nation that Biden had the gall to stand next to Barron and attempt to act like he could even be half the caliber of man that Barron is. Barron Trump will also be the first ever president who can both settle international conflict (with America's interests at heart of course) by day, and dunk on LeBron James by night. Could you imagine the news title “Crisis averted at port attack in Lebanon, and Barron Trump wreaks havoc on the court against LeBron”? According to recent reports our NBA president is a reality, as he has signed with the New York Knicks and will make his debut on February 1st! As a reporter, I'll be court side to report on whatever my king does or says and, of course, watch him literally dunk on LeBron and duke it out with the LA Lakers.

He will no doubt continue the Trump dynasty and we here at C.R.A.P. wholly support eight more years of the Trump-led Republican Party, because, as we all know, when the seedy Motel 6 with weird stains on the carpet and an eternally green pool has a sign in the office window that says “Under New Management”, the American people are in for quite the treat!

P.S. I think Barron Trump might be the Lisan al-Gaib

AN ODE TO FINALS

To class I must run, 

the weight of my worry equates to a ton,

First math then physics, my two worst classes,

Please oh God let my grades be passes,

Oh, there goes the bell to math I must fly,

If I told you I’m ready, it would be a lie,

On to the test, it’s not so hard,

Oh, nevermind, I shouldn't have lowered my guard,

Let me just skip this one and that,

My lord, this packet is just too fat,

An in-class essay about types of horses?

Let’s just hope it’s not more than 3 sources

I’ve been studying Shakespeare for days and days

So long that my hair is now full of grays

But I can’t get past my procrastination

I just doomscroll the news that’s gripping the nation

If only the wind knocked down trees at the school

Then finals would be cancelled and that would be cool

“WHERE EVEN IS GREENLAND”

“Where even is Greenland?” Is what reporters constantly heard as they tried to gauge the American people’s opinion on President Trump’s recent comments. It has caused many around the globe to worry about the possibility of a new era of imperialism, and has caused many Americans to wonder “Where is Greenland?”. 

To be more specific, the younger generations of America have been struggling with their geography and now more than ever. America is being shamed on a world stage for our poorly educated population. In fact, even Olaf Scholz, chancellor of Germany, released a statement regarding America’s actions:“ze population von America ist so bad, ze know nichts vhere Grünland ist, say vould probably confuse it vith Iceland!” Unfortunately, we couldn’t decipher what he was trying to say. 

Hopefully in the future, we can teach more Americans about geography so that unfortunate and embarrassing situations like this German guy (and others like him) can’t degrade us anymore. Because this is obviously the biggest problem in our nation right now, and nothing else.

IT’S BEEN JANUARY FOR YEARS

It’s been January for years. Since when is one month allowed to carry this much stuff?! Week one? Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing. The week between New Year’s and school starting doesn’t count as a real week. It’s just a vast, hopeless void, devoid of all meaning. I did rewatch Stranger Things though, so there’s that. Then, week two hit. First, all of Southern California went up in flames. Not ideal.

Then in week 3, with LA slightly less on fire, Trump got sworn in and I think the world is ending now. Also finals?? Those sucked. And there were concepts of a dance but I’m not sure anything really happened there. Regardless, January is weird. I don’t like it. I usually do, but this was not it, man. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, months turned into years, but we were STILL IN JANUARY!!!! What the flip, dude? I feel like I aged 37 years in the last week and a half. 

Oh and TikTok was almost gone, but now it’s back. That was probably the worst part.

HOROSCOPES:

Your horoscope is very important. The stars influence every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade of the (on average) 0.79 centuries of your life. Don’t pay attention to any other horoscopes. They’re fake, stupid, and lame, which is not cool. And trust me, I know what’s cool. This is the only publication that truly knows the future. Take a look!

Aries: You’ve been hired by the federal government! Wait—now the federal government wants you to resign.

Taurus: Trump changed the name Taurus to Macho Macho Horned Cow. Sorry about that.

Gemini: Your Valentine this year is going to be Cupid. I know. We think it's weird too, but he insists. 

Cancer: New year, new you, but you’ll still have Herpes.

Leo: You will never meet your soulmate.

Virgo: You’re going to meet Jeff. 

Libra: Librah? I hardly know ah!!!

Scorpio: The world has been hard enough on everybody this month, so I’m giving you a pass. Have a nice month!

Sagittarius: You will wake up tomorrow walking and talking like Bob Dylan circa 1964. Do with that what you will, man!

Capricorn: You get 5 big booms!

Aquarius: I’m gonna be honest, I always forget Aquarius people exist. Aquarians? Aquariusses? Aquarii? Screw it, I give up.

Pisces: The ghosts of US Presidents past, present, and future will visit you on Presidents Day this year. That’s right: William Howard Taft, Elon Musk, and the Rizzler. Actually, maybe just Taft. There’s not enough room in the hot tub time machine for everyone.

A Note to Those Who've Read the Whole Issue

His Majesty King Charles III is currently unavailable, and plans to resume commentary on this publication in February