The Halloween Issue

WELCOME

Well, it’s halloween. Since we already published an issue this month, we have a shorter issue for you this Halloween. We hope to be back in full force soon. Please Enjoy!

-The Editors

THE 2022 HOMECOMING DANCE, REVIEWED

We’re starting this issue off with the scariest article we could think of: a review of the 2022 homecoming festivities! So let’s get into it.

I arrived at the dance at around 7:30. The line to get in was already very long. By the time I got in, it had started to rain. After some brief air-hockey playing (fun), I headed up to the photo booth. Located on the second floor of the Dr. O’Connor student center, the photo booth offered a refuge from the rain outside. But the lines were VERY LONG. About 20 minutes later, I finally took my photo, in which my face was conveniently cropped out. Since it was so wet outside, there was little left to do except go to the dance floor. As is typical for homecoming, the dance floor is a tightly packed tent and literal Petri dish. I’m confident that I got at least 5 diseases while jumping around under that humid tent. 

The night continued, with dancing, rain and no music made after 2016. As I was sitting on the white pleather couches in the 600s quad, you could smell pot coming from the boys restroom. How fun. The 600s were also home to the impromptu “make out section” of the venue, where several couples laid sequestered under the awnings eating eachothers faces. I just hope they brushed their teeth beforehand.

Fashion at the “HoCo” dance was also very interesting. As I walked around the school, I saw a large difference between the most casual person–who wore a hoodie and sweatpants–and the most dapper–who was wearing a white-tie tuxedo. Needless to say, you could easily tell how many people took our Dance Date Directory to heart.

In conclusion, we here at C.R.A.P. can confidently say that the 2022 Homecoming Dance was a 5/7. Thank you for reading.

TAYLOR SWIFT’S MIDNIGHTS, REVIEWED

It’s good but Reputation, Red and 1989 are better. 

SCARY STUFF: OUR OPINIONS ON THE WOLFPACKET’S NEW SATIRE SECTION

Hi, Wolfpacket. Last weekend, we set aside some time to read through your newest issue, and we have one tiny, little, minuscule, paltry, wee, trifling, small, minute, scanty problem with it.

If you’ve read—or written—the print issue of the latest Wolfpacket, chances are you’ve seen their new Satire section. That’s right: satire. Yeah, satire. If only there were another publication, maybe dedicated exclusively to printing satire articles… but I guess there isn’t. After reading the aforementioned segment, we came to the conclusion that the humor contained within its articles was absolutely juvenile, misleading, and quite frankly, mildly funny. And when it comes to us, mildly funny means we have some serious competition.

But all jokes aside, we can’t help but feel a little hurt. As comedy experts who have been publishing this magazine since February 2022 (a long time), it feels like we’re having our territory violated. The best way to think of this is with us as Conan O’Brien, and you, the Wolfpacket, as Jay Leno. It’s like we were promised the Tonight Show, we get it for seven months, and then Jay Leno comes back and takes it away because he wants it back.

Anywho, we have a challenge for you: Whichever publication publishes the funniest satirical bits and articles over the school year will get crowned CHS’s funniest media outlet. Let the games begin!

HOW TO CELEBRATE HALLOWEEN

Long time, no see, Hal-lo-ween! For the last two years, we have been wearing masks every day but got absolutely nothing out of it. But now that the pandemic is over and Halloween is coming back, we get to do the same thing, except we get rewarded for our efforts with candy!  Sweet, sugary, diabetes-inducing candy. But two years is a while, and sometimes you can forget basic things in that amount of time—just ask my elderly treat aunt. So that’s what we’re here to help with: Remembering the dos and don'ts of trick-or-treating.

First things first, costumes! As any causal trick-or-treater knows, you gotta have a costume to actually go trick-or-treating. If you don't do so, then people will view you as a creep asking random strangers for their candy, which may also warrant a visit from the police. But I digress. Returning to the topic at hand, we say anything goes! You can dress up as whatever your heart desires!

YOUR HOROSCOPE, VOL. 1

Hey! This is the first edition of our brand new column for your horoscopes. I am CRAP’s brand new hire, who dropped out of Harvard med school to enroll in Harvard astrology school. Now, here I am. Take that mom! Here are your horoscopes for today.

Aires: While eating your Halloween candy, you will open up a snickers bar and find a razor blade inside. Scared, you will throw the rest of the candy away. Unbeknownst to you, one of the candies in that bag contained the cure for cancer. You suck.

Taurus: You will get trampled by a wild bull on Halloween night, severely breaking all your bones except your left femur. Shouldn’t have worn red!

Gemini: Like Bart Simpson in Treehouse of Horror IV, you will discover that you have a secret twin in your attic! When he starts going to school, people like him way more than you. Your social life is ruined!

Cancer: You don’t have cancer, but you do have herpes.

Leo: During your driving test, a truck carrying five hungry lions will crash into your Prius. You will survive, but be horribly maimed.

Virgo: Nothing eventful ever happens in your life.

Libra: I don’t like libras, so I didn’t even try to decipher your horoscope.

Scorpio: You will ask your crush out and discover that they’ve been going out with someone you know for the past three months. Then, you’ll ask out another person, but they get repulsed and slap you. 

Sagittarius: You will not vote in the next election, since you think all the candidates suck. Way to undermine Democracy, loser. 

Capricorn: Jesus was a capricorn! Sadly, that won’t stop you from going to Hell. Unless you have $350 on you.

Aquarius: While you’re trick-or-treating, you’ll get mildly startled by someone dressed up in an unconvincing clown costume. 

Pisces: You will get points marked off on your next in class essay. Not because you’re a horrible writer, but because you used the phrase “gaslighting” and the teacher doesn’t know what that means. After an awkward conversation where you show her that it is, in fact, a real word with a dictionary definition, she will decide to mark off points anyways because you forgot a comma. 

HALLOWEEN PSA:

CHS ADMINISTRATION SAYS PLEASE DON’T WEAR MAID OUTFITS TO SCHOOL ON HALLOWEEN. THANKS.

ADS

Come see the CHS Jazz Band Concert on November 9th at the CHS Theater! Tickets are free.