The Wolf Packet

WELCOME!

Welcome to The Wolf Packet (disregard the coincidental namesake, totally unintentional), Claremont’s fakest totally legit newsletter. This is our “first” issue, so hopefully, this does well. And happy Easter! April Fool’s! No, seriously, though. This is the April Fool’s issue and we do wish you a happy Easter. Hope you get a laugh outta this! (Yeah, we’re a comedy paper).

-The Editors

ON LOCATION: THE Y.I.C.C.’S “HOW I BECAME A MILLIONAIRE OVERNIGHT”

Hello loyal readers! This past week, an interesting opportunity came up. We here at the Wolf Packet received notice of an interesting event taking place on campus. This event, which took place on Tuesday March 29, was called How I Became a Millionaire Overnight. Presented by Dr. Sebastian Quadrini and Professor Andrew Marks, this interesting seminar was too good of an opportunity to pass up. So I went down to take a look. Here's our coverage:

The lecture opened with an introduction of Dr. Quadrini, Ph.D. and Professor Marks, and stated what made them different from other motivational speakers. Then they introduced Iso Ganley as Bodyguard, and commenced the swearing in of Louis Nolte, who also served as their audio man(maybe DJ?). They had one heavily enforced rule of no unfunny comments or else you were kicked out. Now the seminar began.

Quadrini started with an anecdote about a trip he and Marks took to the Philippines and talked about a poor, young kid who they employed to work in one of their sweatshops (industry unclear). He then brought up the topic of donating to charities, in which he used to segue into the “Sebastian Method”, where he says to donate to charities to gain money via tax breaks. He also mentioned that he and Marks embezzled money out of their own charities to add to the money the gain from them. Now to the next part. 

Marks introduced the M.U.D. Theory. It was depicted as a mixture of Sprite and Jolly Ranchers. According to Marks, the Sprite represented the effort put into one’s passion/desire, and the Jolly Ranchers represented a disregard for authority. “When mixed”, he continued, “you get SUCCESS!” 

Some other highlights included the following:

• Anti poor rhetoric. Poor families are bringing down society.

• Fam values

• NFT

• Drugs, fish narcotics (including a real live fish!)

WHAT IS WORDLE? EXPLORING THE GAME AND ITS SUBSEQUENT KNOCK-OFFS:

Wordle. A terrible first guess for the popular game wordle, mostly because it has 6 letters. Over the past few months, this word guessing game and its knockoffs have taken CHS by storm. Hundreds of CHS students are playing Wordle, Quardle, Absurdle, Lordle of the Rings, Starwordle, Octordle, Lewdle, Sweardle, Globle, Wordle, Sexdle, Politordle, Españordle, Yodelordle (the Yodeling Wordle), an numerous other games based off of Wordle. But what made it so popular?

Walking around CHS, you can see the numerous green, yellow and gray boxes on people’s devices (or orange and blue if you’re cool and use high contrast mode). But how does it work? Basically, players have 6 attempts to guess a 5 letter word. There is only one word a day, and this limited gameplay makes it more popular for some reason. Now, I’ll admit, I play wordle and globle every day, but I still think it’s stupid. But my opinion isn’t that valid, so we talked to some other students on campus.

34 year old Claremont resident Michael Ock said he enjoys lewdle over any other game there is. “I like lewdle because it combines two things I like. Profanity and guessing”. Mike Ock continued “sometimes it gets hard when I’m playing it, but I finish pretty quickly”. Mr. Ock would also like to announce that this fall he is getting married to the love of his life, Lucy Islong. They are combining their last names, so Mazel-Tov to Mike Ock-Islong and family! 

Sophomore Benito Sanders enjoys most of the Wordle clones, but he said that he “found it difficult to play them all, even though I usually get everything on the first try. What can I say, I’m a genius. In fact, people have even said that I’m similar to Einstein. And we are, on multiple levels…” (at this point, Sanders went on a long and funny tangent about how he was similar to Einstein, eventually moving on to many different subjects before introducing me as a surprise guest. At this point it became clear that he was actually recording his podcast, AnyTime).

Freshman Bruno Portillo declined to comment for our article, so we won’t talk about him.

So, where does this leave Wordle? Clearly, this game and it’s variants have taken our school by storm, transforming the campus into some demented version of the Loki show on Disney+. Look out for Marvel Studios’ Wordle, streaming June 8.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS: 

• THE DOC OC JOKES ARE STARTING TO GET OLD NOW.

• MURDER IS USUALLY NOT A SUITABLE APRIL FOOLS JOKE 

HOW TO CELEBRATE EASTER AGAIN:

jesus!*

*and a bunch of chocolate eggs

HOW TO CELEBRATE APRIL FOOL’S AGAIN:

Hey! Joe here. It’s been a long time since we’ve had a proper April fools day, hasn’t it? Well, I’m here to fix that. I’m gonna give you some tips to get back to April fools day shenanigans below.

1. Lie to your friends! April Fool’s is all about lying about something serious and then disproving it by saying “April Fool’s!” For example, say to your partner, “I’m not pregnant. April Fools!”

Disclaimer: MAY NOT WORK ON EVERYONE. Just ask Mike Ock-Islong.

2. Tell a joke! As the saying goes, “Laughter is the best medicine.” Bonus points if you hurt someone badly and then do a knock knock joke.

NOT A JOKE: IN DEFENSE OF DUO THE OWL

In their last issue, the Valentine's Day issue (released in March…) the CHS Wolfpacket (one word, unlike us) released a scalding satire article on beloved animal Duo the Owl. Duo the Owl, for those who don’t know, is the mascot of popular language learning app Duolingo. Some people get angry from duolingo’s slightly excessive use of notifications, frequently brought to you by Duo himself. But why? Why are you taking your hate out on this adorable little owl? The owl who cries when you don’t advance the horizons of your knowledge. He just wants to see you learn! The least you could do is go in there and visit him, right? He’s lonely! And he’s emotionally fragile. So just be nice to him, Claremontians. The world doesn’t revolve around you. Think of him for once.

ADVERTISEMENTS:

• BREAKING NEWS: Mike Ock-Islong, who we interviewed earlier, would like help to find his missing cousin, Mike Litt. Any tips are greatly appreciated.

• Follow OUR Instagram account @chscomedypaper for instant updates and exclusive content.

• Follow @earsonlypodcasts on Instagram for updates on Comedy Podcast AnyTime with Benito Sanders.