The Wolf Packet

BREAKING: C.R.A.P. PUBLISHES "VERY FUNNY" ISSUE LAMPOONING WOLFPACKET

Claremont's Really Academic Paper, or CRAP for short, has released their annual April Fool's Day issue, lampooning the Claremont High School Wolfpacket. This is the second edition of said lampoon issue. It is "very funny", according to the President and Editor in Chief of CRAP, Benito Sandoval. Is he to be trusted? Some say yes, most say "probably not". Regardless, this issue should probably be mildly funny, and definitely funnier than the Wolfpacket’s satire section (we kid). This issue has everything you could possibly want: breaking news, thoroughly researched op-Ed’s, a stellar A&E section, and an unusual number of articles about fruit. Enjoy!

BREAKING: TRUMP INDICTMENT FIRST TIME HE GETS MAJORITY VOTE 

In a very Trumpy turn of events, Former President Donald Trump was indicted of a federal crime by a New York grand jury. That’s huge news. In fact, the only thing bigger than this scandal is Trump's ego! All over the news, people are asking “Who could’ve possibly seen this coming?” The answer? Everyone. This is not shocking at all. 

We all know Trump is going to try his best to weasel his way out of it, but the only thing he's really good at covering up is his hairline. Trump likes to think of himself as a savvy businessman, but using campaign funds to pay off a porn star? That's like investing in Blockbuster in 2021. It's just not a good move.

But of all things that could’ve brought him down, it had to be porn. Trump paid $130,000 to a porn star, and not even a good one. The audacity! We’ve known this was coming for forever. In 2019, Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen was sentenced to prison for his role in the whole ordeal. If your lawyer is going to jail, you know you're in trouble.

So, to sum this up, we have a president who paid off a porn star with campaign funds, a lot of angry southerners, and a nation that's been let down. But hey, at least we can all agree on one thing: Stormy Daniels wasn't the only one who got screwed in this whole mess.

NEWS: PRICE OF BANANAS STAYS STAGNANT AT 69¢/lb

In a stunning development for the California produce industry, the price of bananas has remained stubbornly fixed at 69 cents per pound for the 36th consecutive week. Despite fluctuations in the prices of other fruits and vegetables, such as apples and carrots, the cost of bananas has shown remarkable resistance to change, causing consternation among analysts and economists.

"It's unprecedented," said Dr. Chiquita Banana, a professor of agricultural economics at Claremont McKenna College. "We've seen bananas maintain a stable price for a few weeks before, but never for this long." The cause of the price stagnation remains a mystery, with some speculating that it may be due to a glut of bananas on the market, while others suggest that there may be a banana cartel controlling the price. 

Whatever the reason, consumers seem to be taking the news in stride. "I've been buying bananas at 69 cents per pound for so long now, it just feels normal," said Lyle Mideiros, a local shopper. "I don't even remember what it was like when they were more expensive." For now, it seems that the banana industry will continue to chug along at its steady pace, with no end in sight to the 69-cent price point. As one industry insider remarked, "If it ain't bananas, don't split it."

LOCAL NEWS: MAN DISCOVERS EATING CANTALOUPE EVERY DAY DOESN’T INCREASE RIZZ, DEMANDS REFUND FROM FRUIT VENDOR

A local claremont man is stirring some controversy after claiming that he ate cantaloupe every day for a month, and nobody would date him. He was informed by a Trader Joe’s employee that eating cantaloupe for the month of march (and only march) would improve his “rizz” exponentially. It did not. He is now suing Trader Joe’s for $55.60, the combined price of the 10 ten cantaloupes he purchased and one failed date at Eddie’s Italian Eatery. 

The man, named Brian B. O’Brien, stated that he hoped cantaloupe would enhance his sexual power and make him more attractive to women. But despite eating dates in large quantities on a daily basis, he did not feel any improvement in his love life. "It was explained to me by a Trader Joe’s employee that cantaloupes are like multiply rizz. But after a whole month of eating a half cup of cantaloupe every day (the USDA recommended serving for fruits and vegetables), I realized that they didn't work. Now I’m suing." said O’Brien.

This is a developing story, so expect a follow up in our next issue.

OP-ED: KUMQUAT PRICES IN LATVIA ARE MILDLY UNACCEPTABLE

The prices of Kumquats in Latvia are mildly upsetting to me and only me. Latvia is a dear country to me, as it is located near a different country, Estonia. This country, in turn, is close to Germany, which fought England in WWI & WWII. This is important because I know someone who went to England once. Therefore, Latvia is of the utmost importance to me. As for the kumquats, they are a slightly unusual fruit, which was sure to pique your interest when you read the title. 

As a result of this, you are now halfway through a boring article I wrote to kill some time in 1st period. Speaking of stuff, have you heard Taylor Swift's album Midnights? I know it came out half a year ago, but I just got around to listening to it. It's kind of "mid", unlike kumquats. Kumquats are amazing, and they’re rather expensive in Latvia, like Taylor Swift tickets. Jeez, Taylor Swift tickets are expensive. Like kumquats. In Latvia.

Anyways, the kumquat shortage is probably due to the kumquat wars in Bosnia. Kumquats are just that important. In fact, neighboring Slovenia only recently moved its economy off the Kumquat Standard. This naturally caused instability in the “Kumquat Belt” of the Balkans. Once the EU got involved, it got really complicated. Thus, the price of kumquats increased. In conclusion, Kumquats really matter to me. That is all.

OP-ED: A VOTE FOR O’CONNOR IS A VOTE FOR O’MERICA

America. Land of opportunity. Home of freedom. And no one screams freedom more than Dr. Brett O’Connor. In the last issue of the wolfpacket, they ran an article announcing that our beloved soon-to-be-ex-principal Dr. O’Connor would be running for president. I, for one, fully support this decision. 

Dr. Brett O’Connor has served the City of Claremont for a long time. I’m not sure quite how long, but I think he’s been working here for a while. Definitely over 7 years. Throughout his tenure as CHS principal, he has completely transformed the school both academically and culturally. It was Dr. O’Connor who brought the IB program to CHS, introduced revolutionary online grading systems, and most importantly, started late start Wednesdays. I mean, how good do you have to be to get a building named after you while you still work at school?! The answer is very.

Dr. O’Connor has been able to unite the once divided Claremont High School plexus, and I feel that he can do the same for the American people. What we need now isn’t a racist, sexis and xenophobic republican, or a democrat too afraid to stand up for what they believe in. We need a 61 year old, politically ambiguous high school principal from the suburbs of Los Angeles! I know that Dr. O’Connor has what’s best for the nation at heart. I won’t hesitate to support his campaign for President of the United States, and I hope you will too. After all, A Vote For O’Connor Is A Vote For O’Merica.

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT: IN HOLLYWOOD, OSCAR IS KING

FADE IN - GLAMOROUS OPENING TITLE CARD

Old Timey Announcer: In Hollywood, Oscar is King!

[The camera pans to the famous Hollywood sign]

Newsreel Announcer: Yes folks, it's that time of year again. The time when Tinseltown's finest gather to pay homage to the one and only Oscar. And let me tell you, the competition is fierce.

[Cut to a shot of the red carpet, where actors and actresses are posing for pictures]

Newsreel Announcer: Look at these A-listers! They're dressed to the nines, hoping to catch the eye of the Academy. It's a veritable who's who of Hollywood.

[Cut to a shot of the Dolby Theatre]

Newsreel Announcer: And here we are at the Dolby Theatre, where the awards ceremony will be taking place. The atmosphere is electric, the excitement palpable.

[Cut to a shot of the nominees in the Best Picture category]

Newsreel Announcer: Let's take a look at the nominees for Best Picture. We have 'The Shape of Water', 'Get Out', 'Lady Bird', 'Dunkirk', 'Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri', 'Call Me By Your Name', 'The Post', and 'Phantom Thread'. Who will take home the coveted Oscar?

[Cut to a shot of Meryl Streep]

Newsreel Announcer: And let's not forget about the acting categories. Meryl Streep is once again nominated for Best Actress, making it her 21st nomination. That's right, folks, 21 nominations! I think it's safe to say she's got this acting thing down pat.

[Cut to a shot of the Best Supporting Actor nominees]

Newsreel Announcer: And the competition for Best Supporting Actor is just as fierce. We have Willem Dafoe, Woody Harrelson, Richard Jenkins, Christopher Plummer, and Sam Rockwell. It's anyone's game.

[Cut to a shot of Jimmy Kimmel, who will be hosting the ceremony]

Newsreel Announcer: And let's not forget about our host, Jimmy Kimmel. He's sure to bring his signature irreverent wit and charm to the proceedings. We can't wait to see what he has in store for us.

[Cut to a shot of the crowd inside the Dolby Theatre]

Newsreel Announcer: Well folks, the excitement is building. The stars are in place, the red carpet has been rolled up, and the envelopes are ready to be opened. Who will take home the gold? We'll just have to wait and see. This is your Hollywood correspondent, signing off.

FADE OUT

SATIRE: WE CAN BE FUNNY TOO!

A recent study has revealed that satire articles may actually be funny. The groundbreaking research, conducted by a team of comedic comedicologists, found that when written with a certain level of wit and charm, satire articles such as this one can generate laughter and amusement in their readers.

This revelation has sent shockwaves throughout the world of humor writing, where for years the prevailing belief was that satire articles were only capable of eliciting a polite chuckle or a sardonic smile at best. Many renowned satirists have long argued that the true purpose of satire is not to be funny, but to hold a mirror up to society and expose its flaws.

But now, with this new evidence, it seems that satire articles can both entertain and critique. And as luck would have it, the very publication that you are currently reading happens to be one of the funniest on the internet.

Yes, dear reader, you heard that correctly. This very publication—the one that you are currently reading with a bemused expression on your face—is not just informative and thought-provoking, but also downright hilarious. Our team of writers and editors possess a rare combination of razor-sharp wit and impeccable timing, which allows them to consistently produce content that is both insightful and side-splitting.

Of course, we don't want to toot our own horn, strum our own guitar, tickle our own keys, or hit our own drum too much. We realize that humor is subjective, and what one person finds funny may not necessarily elicit a similar response in another. But we do feel confident in saying that if you're looking for a good laugh, you've come to the right place.

So the next time someone tells you that Claremont satire articles aren't funny, you can confidently point them in the direction of this publication. And who knows, maybe you'll even get a few laughs out of them yourself.

SPORTS: THE ATHLETICS COLUMN: LET'S PLAY SOME SPORTSBALL: MARCH MADNESS EDITION AND ALSO BASEBALL

As March Madness comes to a close, it's clear that this year's tournament has been anything but predictable. Fans across the country have been scratching their heads as upsets have been the norm, and brackets have been busted left and right. But perhaps the most surprising development of all is that, in the midst of all this madness, baseball's opening day has gone off without a hitch. 

That's right, folks, while college basketball has been throwing curveballs left and right, America's favorite pastime has stuck to its tried-and-true formula: sunshine, hot dogs, and the crack of the bat.

It's a strange feeling, to be sure. As we watch underdogs topple giants and Cinderella stories unfold before our very eyes, we can't help but wonder: where's the drama in baseball? Where's the unexpected twist, the upset for the ages?

But as we settle into our seats at the ballpark, hot dog in one hand, beer in the other, we realize something important: sometimes, it's nice to just sit back and enjoy the ride. To revel in the familiar sights and sounds of the game, to savor the simple pleasure of a lazy afternoon spent watching a sport that's been around for over a century.

Sure, we could complain that baseball's opening day isn't as exciting as March Madness. We could bemoan the lack of buzzer-beaters and bracket-busters, the absence of Cinderella stories and last-second heroics. But why bother? We'll leave that to the college basketball fans. As for us, we'll be enjoying the crack of the bat and the roar of the crowd, content in the knowledge that some things never change–except for those 3 rules they just introduced, and Justin Turner being a Red Sox guy now. Weird.

WORD SEARCH

THE FIRST CHS STUDENT TO SHOW A COMPLETED WORD SEARCH TO BENITO OR HARITH WINS A PRIZE

A W R A J U B J U B F S S H K I G S S F H Y K T

S F H R S A Q R Y H H D D H I O P K U H J M B C 

W W R W C G D S H U I P O G G E R S E L I E G P

Q U D S F J T E U O P K H G E B M N X S E R I B

O P A Y P H O N E S A T Y I O C H K K G D A G A

L A U T R U N J L T E V A G R I D U A N M A W N

O J A W T D E G B J E O L I G O P O L Y F S H A

A K A A A A A A A A A A A A E A A A A A A A A N

R K U M G B H R V J I U T N W Y N F R B U I N A

P I T M F W Q C D U M M G R B J M O Q E M G I S 

T B I N Q Q R Y U Z N L P O U N T E V J Y R G K 

Y B R D C U E G N X A I G C S J I O P I G E A Y

Q W E R T Y A M E D G N C S H D E M N B V C H D 

O I L G F D Q T R P G S J A I N D E P E N D E N

O P R A H W I N F R E Y I S A N N O Y I N G W R

P L E A S E D O N T K I L L U S O P R A H T H X

S A N T B E F W T G U N I K I H B Y U J G Y J K

Q N D A C Y H F Y M O U N T A I N F J E R K Y L

B A N A N A E A H U D W M H E R S J I V E F G Y

WORD KEY:

TONE

PAYPHONE

BANANA

JUB JUB

OIL

GEORGE W. BUSH

KUMQUATS

OLIGOPOLY

POGGERS

JERKY

PIG

MOUNTAIN

DUNE

*There may be other sentences inadvertently placed within this word search. If you find any, bonus points will be awarded.