The Love #

WELCOME!

Love. We love love. But love is hard (that's what she said). It may not work out for all of us, and we should know. After all, we have no tons of experience in the field of breakups. But don't you worry, for there is always someone special out there for you. The problem is, they’re 86 and live in Latvia And if you recently lost your special someone, We’re sorry. We haven’t been there, so we can’t help you. If no one ever dates you, you never get heartbroken! We’ve got stories to tell, some tips for starting relationships and way more tips for avoiding them. Happy Valentine’s Day!

-The President and Narthex

THE STATE OF THE MAGAZINE ADDRESS - OUR ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY

You thought we were done talking? Well, we’re not, so HA. Ladies and gentlemen, and everyone in between, welcome to our very first annual State of The Magazine Address. Why are we even holding this? Because just like this great nation we live in, we want to let you, our dear readers, know how well we are doing and what we have accomplished. So let’s begin.

As you know, we try to produce the best humor that we can for you in each and every one of our monthly issues. Sometimes, we are limited by time and staffing constraints, but despite all that, we still put in our best-ish effort. We will admit, a number between 0 & 12 of our publications haven't been able to achieve that high standard of comedy we have set, but we make up for that (and possibly more) with some other hits. Maybe even masterpieces, if you will. 

Ever since the founding of this paper approximately one year ago, we have gained quite a following and had some successes among our many publications. Take, for example, our April Fool’s issue “The Wolf Packet”. It is by far, one of, if not the longest issues we have ever released. Was it funny? Not really. But it was long. Perhaps our special October publication, the Dance Date Directory, is to be considered. We had that piece written for the sole purpose of helping anyone get a date to any dance, mostly in time for Homecoming. Did it work? No. But was it long? Yes.

On top of those “achievements”, we had also garnered attention from The Wolfpacket (the CHS newspaper, not our issue), who had interviewed us for a profile while we were in our infancy. We were so young, I’m surprised we could speak—and I think they were too.

And now, our dear readers—or non-readers, who we’ve deceptively tricked into reading this—this brings our brief address to an end. We would like to thank you for your enduring support and tolerance of the nonsensical, smart, and mostly stupid humor that is our magazine. We thank you for not giving up on our venture, for we will never with this and with you. And so, to paraphrase the immortal words of the great Wrestler and also President Abraham Lincoln:

We’re a success today because we had readers who believed in us, and we didn't have the heart to let them down.

Sincerely,

BLS, Magazine President     HN, Magazine Narthex

NYTIMES MODERN LOVE: IT DOESN’T ALWAYS WORK OUT

I was sitting at home on a Friday night, scrolling through my Facebook feed, when I saw the post that would change my life. My best friend, Kennsleighanne, had just announced her engagement to the love of her life. I was happy for her, of course, but also filled with a deep sense of sadness and longing.

You see, I was the last single person in our group of friends. And let me tell you, it's not a fun place to be. Every weekend was a new wedding or baby shower, and I was the designated plus one for every "couples only" event. I was starting to feel like the lonely spinster aunt, who is always talking about her cats (which I don't even have).

I decided that enough was enough. It was time for me to find love. And so, I did what any hopeless romantic would do in my situation: I turned to the internet.

I created a profile on every dating app you can think of, from Tinder to FarmersOnly. I swiped right on everyone, even the guy who had a picture of him holding a fish (I don’t like fish). But despite my best efforts, I just couldn't seem to find the right match.

One night, after a particularly bad date with a guy who talked about his ex-girlfriend the entire time, I was feeling particularly down. I was just about to delete all my dating apps and resign myself to a life of cat lady-dom, when I got a message. It was from a guy named Jim, and he was different. He wasn't just interested in my looks; he was interested in me.

We hit it off immediately, bonding over our mutual love of Netflix binges and pizza. And before I knew it, we had been talking for hours. We made plans to meet up in person, and I was beyond excited.

But when I finally met Jim in person, things didn't go as planned. He was nothing like the person he had portrayed himself to be online. He was shorter, less charming, and smelled strongly of Bryan Clanston and Aaron Paul’s “Dos Hombres” mezcal. I knew right then and there that this wasn't going to work.

So, I did what any reasonable person would do: I ran away. I told Jim that I had to go to the bathroom and never came back.

And that, my friends, is how I became the master of the disappearing act. But hey, at least I can say I tried. And who knows, maybe one day I'll finally find love. Or, you know, just get a cat.

This guest column was written by Terry Alger. Ms. Alger is a 32 year old HR rep who works from home. She lives with her 3 cats in a small apartment in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. 

SEBASTIAN’S CORNER #3

The High School student body, a breeding ground of conformity and routine. A place where teenagers are molded into miniature versions of society's norms, with their passions and individuality suppressed by the expectations of their peers and teachers.

But, oh, what a grand show they put on! Pressed uniforms, fake smiles and affected laughter, all in an effort to mask the internal turmoil and boredom. The unwritten rulebook of high school, handed down from the graduating seniors, dictates that they must be just like everyone else, lest they be cast out as an outcast.

Take the Friday night football games for example. The students, clad in their school colors, chant and cheer, but for what? For a game that they couldn't care less about, for a team that they'll forget about next week. But, the show must go on, for the sake of appearance, for the sake of being part of the "in-crowd".

The hallways of the school are a spectacle, as well. The popular kids strutting down the hallways, basking in the adoration of their fans, while the uncool ones slink by, unnoticed. The teachers, too busy with their own problems and dramas, pay them little attention, as they go about their day, policing the halls, enforcing the rules of the unwritten rulebook.

And then there's the dreaded subject of college. The elephant in the room that nobody wants to address. The students are told, day in and day out, that they must go to college, that they must pick a major, that they must have a plan for their future. But what if they don't know what they want to do? What if they just want to explore and find themselves? The high school student body is not a place for self-discovery, only self-denial.

In conclusion, the high school student body is a microcosm of society, a place where conformity and routine reign supreme, a place where individuality and passion are stifled, a place where the unwritten rulebook dictates the way things are done. But fear not, dear reader, for in a few short years, the students will be free to break away from the chains of high school and pursue their passions, to discover their individuality, to live life on their own terms.

“THE POWER OF LOVE” -HUEY LEWIS

Musician Huey Lewis, of Huey Lewis and the News, said that “The power of love is a curious thing. Make one man weep, make another man sing. Change a hawk to a little white dove. More than a feeling, that's the power of love.” He said this, of course, in his song “The Power of Love,” featured in the movie Back to the Future. After listening to this song on the radio one too many times, I’m kind of sick of it now. But Mr. Lewis—or Huey, if you will—is right. The power of love is a very powerful thing in regards to love. With this in mind, we asked CHS students to reflect back on moments in their lives in which they have experienced the Power of Love. 

• I experienced the power of love when I was rejected on 9/11. Sophomore

• The power of love was not present when my boyfriend forgot my birthday. Senior 

• I saw the power of love after my girlfriend slapped me in the face for forgetting her birthday. Senior

• I experienced the power of love after I saw a photo of Nikocado Avocado. Freshman

• I heard the power of love on the radio. Junior

• I saw the power of love in the movie Back to the Future. Junior

• I experienced the power of love after I walked in on my parents. Sophomore

• I witnessed the death of the power of love after C.R.A.P. published this issue. Freshman

PRESIDENTIAL PICKUP LINES

These presidential and political themed pickup lines are 1776% guaranteed to get you a date, 46% of the time.

• I’m gonna Barack your world. (Obama)

• If you were a president, you’d be Babe-raham Lincoln. (Lincoln)

• Hey girl, are you Afghani? Cuz I won't be pulling out for a long time. (Bush)

• Here's my corollary to the Monroe Doctrine: Speak softly and carry my big stick. (Teddy Roosevelt)

• Is your name John Wilkes Booth? Because you blow my mind. (Lincoln)

• I did not have sexual relations with that woman. But I will have them with you! (Bill Clinton)

• Now that’s what I call a stimulus package. (Biden)

• Something’s rising, and it’s not the debt ceiling… (Biden/2023 Congress)

• Wanna form a more perfect union? (Washington)

• *jowel flapping noises* (Nixon)

• Arrooo! (Nixon)

• Are you George Washington? Because I could see wood in your mouth. (Washington)

• You have trickled down into my heart. (Reagan)

• Baby, you stop my heart like Teddy's speech stops a bullet. (Teddy Roosevelt)

• The only weapon of mass destruction I found was [body part here]. (W. Bush)

• You stole my heart like Nixon stole from Watergate. (Nixon)

• Hello, my name is Bill Clinton. (Clinton)

• They call me ‘Tricky Dick’ for a reason. (Nixon)

• Wanna chop my cherry tree? (Washington)

• Why don’t you Warren on my Harding? (Harding)

• I’ve got a missile I want you to see, and it ain't Cuban. (JFK)

• Wanna look at my classified documents? (Trump, Biden or Pence)

• Are you Lee Harvey Oswald? Cause you REALLY blow my mind. (JFK)

• I love you more than Trump loves Trump. (Trump)

• Check out my diploma from Trump University. It doubles as my placemat. (Trump)

• Once you go Barack you never go back. (Obama)

WHY DID YOU GET REJECTED? A HISTORICAL EXPLANATION

“Why did he, she or they reject me?!” You sob sadly into your pillow. “How on earth could this happen to me?!” Well, you’re in the right place, reader. As a historical expert, I have compiled a complete cause and effect style historical timeline to trace the causes of your rejection. This timeline will display the causes of this event, going back many years, until we reach the root cause.

• February 2023 - You get rejected, the person you like doesn’t like you.

• September 2022 - You start liking the person. Why? You go back a long time.

• September 2010 - You go to preschool together.

• June 2007 - You’re born. Why? Your parents.

• October 2001 - Your parents meet at the 9/11 benefit concert at Madison square garden in New York. 

• September 11 2001 - 9/11 happens.

• August 2 1990 - The Gulf War starts. But who started it?

• November 1988 - George HW Bush was elected. Who gave Bush political power?

• November 1980 - Ronald Reagan is elected.

• March 1947 - Ronald Reagan becomes screen actors guild president. Why?

• 1920s - Charlie Chaplin became an actor, making movies popular. Why?

• 1891 - Thomas Edison invents movies. Where? In France. Why? The vibrant Parisian social scene, motherclucker.

• 1789 - Robespierre and Co. bring social and political change to France via the French Revolution, which starts this year. But why?

• 1550s - King Francis II of France begins an opulent reign in France. But who did he marry for 2 years? 

• 1542 - Mary, Queen of Scots is born. Eventually she was deposed. A lot of complicated and interesting stuff happened. Why wasn’t she queen of England though?

• 1533 - Elizabeth I is born. She’s queen of England and the child of Henry VIII. But why did she become queen? 

• 1485 - Richard III dies during the war of the roses. Elizabeth I’s grandfather, Henry VII, becomes king. But why did the war of the roses happen? 

• 1215 - The Magna Carta limits the powers of the king of England after John abused them. But John was only king because…

• 1199 - Richard I, also known as Richard the Lionheart, dies during the crusades. But why did the crusades happen?

• 622-1000 - The Arabs conquer much of the Middle East, Africa and Iberia. But why?

• 700s - Muhammad sees Gabriel is told he’s the last of the prophets. He creates Islam. Coincidentally, this and the Arab Conquests are partly the result of another prophet's influence 

• April 3 33 AD - The Romans crucify Jesus in the Holy Land. Unbeknownst to them, Jesus is like, the son of God or something. He’s fine. But who was in charge, and why did they do such a half assed job?

• 14 BC - Emperor Tiberius, the dude in charge when Jesus was killed, is crowned. Why? Because his step daddy was the first one. Ever.

• 27 BC - Augustus becomes the first emperor of Rome. But why were emperors even a thing?

• 60 BC - Caesar became dictator of Rome and established the glorious empire. But why was Rome even a thing?

• 748 BC - Romulus and Remus establish Rome! But why were they there? 

• 1170 BC - Aeneas of Troy flees to Italy after the fall of Troy. But why did Troy fall?

• 1193-1183 BC - Helen of Troy was really really hot. So hot that she caused a war. Troy ended up falling. But This only happened because of the golden apples of discord and/or love. Where were those from?

• Before that last thing - There’s some race and Atalanta and Melanion get the apples or whatever. This happens because…

• Earlier - Atalanta wins the wild boar hunt of Meleager, who sailed with Jason.

• Earlier - Jason leads the Argonauts on the most epic quest ever. Hercules is there too. But how did Jason become such a chad?

• Earlier - Jason is raised by Chiron in Chiron’s cave. And who else did chiron raise?

• Earlier - Zeus! Zeus is Zeus. You know Zeus. And what was Zeus known for?

• Earlier - Zeus throws his dad in tartarsauce or whatever and becomes king of the gods. But that’s only because…

• Earlier - Zeus’s dad, Cronos [or Kronos (or Kronus)] eats his kids. Yay…? But he only did this because he knew one of his sons would be more powerful than him. Why?

• Even Earlier - Cronos overthrew his dad, Uranus (haha). His mom, Earth, also did some stuff. It’s a whole thing, look into it. It’s interesting. But all this only happened because…

• Waaaaaaay Earlier - The sky, Uranus, falls in love with the earth. They have kids. It’s weird. But this only happened because…

• 4.7 Billion years ago - The earth is formed. Why?

• 5 Billion years ago - The sun is formed. It starts making planets. Why?

• About 7 Billion years ago - The Milky Way is formed. Why?

• 9 Billion years ago - Stars and things as we know them begin to appear (reionization). Why?

• 12.8 Billion years ago - After recombination and decoupling, the universe was transparent and had cooled enough to allow light to travel long distances, but there were no light-producing structures such as stars and galaxies (per Wikipedia).

• 13.4 Billion years ago - After cosmic inflation ends, the universe is filled with a hot quark–gluon plasma, the remains of reheating. From this point onwards the physics of the early universe is much better understood, and the energies involved in the Quark epoch are directly accessible in particle physics experiments and other detectors (per Wikipedia).

• 10 Seconds after the Big Bang - the Inflationary epoch and the rapid expansion of space

• 1 Second after the Big Bang - Planck epoch

• Big Bang - The Big Bang happens

• Right Before the Big Bang - The last living being from a previous super advanced universe sits in solitude on a meteorite in the small area that remains of said previous universe. As everything compacts around it, preparing to expand once again, it utters four words that will shape the universe as we know it: “You have no rizz.”

YOUR HOROSCOPE

Your horoscope is very important, especially this time of year. Therefore, I have taken the utmost care when divinating your future. Enjoy!

Aires: Don’t worry, your soulmate is out there. The catch is, they live in Kazakhstan and they’re 89 years old.

Taurus: Today you will be extra organized and efficient. This is a great time to finally clean out that closet you've been ignoring for the past year.

Gemini: See Scorpio.

Cancer: You don’t have cancer, but you will get food poisoning. (And you got herpes again.)

Leo: By some lucky twist of fate, you will obtain a significant other just in time for Valentine’s Day. However, your plans for them will go absolutely terribly and they end up breaking up with you after you’ve been together for about a week.

Virgo: You will be feeling extra emotional today, so go ahead and let those tears of joy (or sadness) flow. Either way, you'll come out feeling refreshed.

Libra: Kumquats.

Scorpio: You’ve got no “rizz”.

Sagittarius: You’ve got too much “rizz”.

Capricorn: Nothing interesting will happen to you.

Aquarius: Don’t eat any papayas this month. Trust me.

Pisces: Happy Birthday!