Die Oktober Issue

WELCOME!

Welcome to our second issue of the year! For those of you who are still reading, thank you for sticking with us after our first issue! We have a lot of great (or not so great) articles lined up for you here, in our newest October issue. It’s quite spooky and quite German, two things that typically go hand in hand. After all, it's no coincidence that the German word for “the” is “die.” We are also excited to share that we made at least five google searches for the creation of this issue, making it our most researched issue to date, a historic landmark in CRAP history!

-LLM, President/EIC

GERMAN CLUB CELEBRATES OKTOBERFEST

German club, one of the most affluent and influential clubs on the CHS campus has had a long-standing tradition of celebrating Oktoberfest in the central quad in October. However this tradition has been plagued by a new problem every year, and this year it was the worst of all.

One of the roadblocks for the German Club this year came two days before Oktoberfest when a student was found covered head to toe in sauerkraut. The perpetrator of this crime is still at large, however the CPD has cleared the German Club of any wrongdoing and attributed the crime to the Sauerkraut Bandito, who has yet to be captured (if you have any information on the identity or whereabouts of the Sauerkraut Bandito, please contact the CPD). 

Still, this crime pales in comparison to the larger issue that came with the true money maker of Oktoberfest. The beer! There wasn’t any beer at oktoberfest! Many people were left wondering "how there could be no beer at a festival that claims to celebrate German culture?". A huge part of German culture is beer and to not have it at CHS’s Oktoberfest celebration is a bastardisation of German culture and history. Is it so much to ask that the organizers of Oktoberfest do their due diligence and celebrate German culture properly?

Many people would cite the fact that alcohol consumption by minors is strictly illegal under the law of the United States of America as the main reason that there was no beer at Claremont High School’s Oktoberfest. However, in a recent statement by our school district superintendent, it was stated “One of our goals is to foster an engaged student body that is excited to experience other cultures through many different means.” This direct quote from the superintendent shows that though there may be puny “regulations” that restrict the ability to experience German culture, our district opposes these rules vehemently, and wants its students to experience German culture in its entirety.

With the backing of the school district, the CHS Oktoberfest should have no problem, letting students experience real, German culture through alcohol consumption. We hope that the Oktoberfest organizers will do better next year and make an effort to make German culture a fun and truly worldly experience at Oktoberfest.

THE GHOST OF… DR. O’CONNOR?

Throughout the months of September and October, Strange things have been afoot here at Claremont. That’s right: A ghost is haunting CHS! But it’s not who you'd expect… According to numerous student, faculty, and staff sources, it’s the ghost of former CHS principal and guy who gets buildings named after him, Dr. O’Connor!!! Now you may believe that Dr. O’Connor retired from working as principal in 2023 before being called to do some temp work at Mt. San Antonio High School, however the truth is far more sinister…

Dr. O’Connor is dead. 

Just kidding. He’s very much alive, but since being bored in retirement, he’s taken up the habit of cutting eyes in a sheet, throwing it over his head, and “haunting” the Claremont High campus. This is his idea of a joke, and if we’re being honest, it’s kinda funny. Good on you, Doc Ock! The more freshmen you scare (or mildly confuse) the better.

Let’s be honest, the only real horror is that half the school has never had Dr. O’Connor as their principal.

A REAL LIFE HORROR: MONSTER MASHES

For years scientists have marveled at the thought of Dracula, the mummy, Frankenstein’s Monster “and Bride”, the Werewolf, and other monsters joining in a laid back party setting. Many people believe that Monster mashes, as opposed to parties where you eat cheese (Muenster mashes), are real, but many others are left wondering, “Can they really be real?” Well today, dear reader, we will do a deep dive on monster mashes to see whether or not they are a work of fiction, or an unadulterated fact of reality.

The first expert we consulted has been researching American mythology and mythological creatures since the 90s. With well over 30 years of research under his belt, he told us, “Are you stupid?” Saying that “Monsters aren’t real, and if they were, do you really think they’d all be partying?” To get in the field, we here at CRAP held a brief interview with Raimi Naserun 26’. Here are excerpts from that interview:

Me: Do you believe in Monster mashes?

Raimi: Like Monsters having mashed potatoes? Or a dish made of mashed up monsters?

Me: No. Monster mashes. Parties. Like the song.

Raimi: oh, I’m not sure.

This is damning evidence. We here at CRAP were still unconvinced however, and soon turned towards someone with a first hand account. A Mr. Exacto (as he told us) had a run in with a real life monster mash while walking through a graveyard. He saw a cake, people dancing the Transylvania Twist, a keg of beer, and a DJ. We decided to invite Mr. Exacto to do a full interview, however he declined, stating that “recounting my tale, causes me too much strife.” Leaving us with only the information that there are some witnesses to Monster mashes in existence today. We would like to leave you with some words from the most well known Monster Mash eyewitness, a Mr. Bobby “Boris” Pickett: 

Now everything's cool, Drac's a part of the band

And my Monster Mash is the hit of the land

For you, the living, this Mash was meant too

When you get to my door, tell them Boris sent you!

LETTER TO THE EDITOR: WHAT HAPPENED TO GOTHS?

Dear Editor,

I have a bone to pick with modern culture. What has happened to the Goths?! The entire culture, my entire culture, seems to have faded away over a thousand years ago! Now it’s all about painting the surroundings of your eyes dark like J.V. Dance and your skin as white as a cracker barrel parking lot! These are not the goths I remember! Back in my day, the goths were a strong group of warriors responsible for the downfall of numerous civilizations and the entrance of Europe into the dark ages. We even had a cool genre of architecture named after us! That’s why I want to return to the greatest era of the goths. Whatever happened to the ostrogoths, or the visigoths?! Now we’ve just got gothy goths… We must make this new empire crumble. The people of east Germania, the real Goths won’t stand the mockery! We will take you posers down like we did the Roman Empire!

Signed, 

Heldefredus the Goth

A LETTER TO SPIRIT HALLOWEEN SUPERSTORES, LLC, CONCERNING A VACANT BUILDING IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

Dear sirs of Spirit Halloween Superstores, LLC,

I am a citizen of our great nation, an average Joe if you will, holding a fascinating piece of information that I find pertinent to the noble mission of Spirit; delivering sweatshop quality garments surely laced with lead to the children of America, whom will don the menagerie of garbs in the pursuit of sweet confections on one night that seems to favor falling perfectly in the middle of the school week, surely an inconvenience to no one. The information I present to you is in regards to a spectacularly large, and, presumably long before my time, stately institution, addressed 1 First St NE, Washington, DC 20543. This building that I have observed seems to me an idyllic location for the nation's largest temporary brick and mortar, surely the patrons of our National Mall would welcome the addition of Spirit's iconic spooky skeleton banner across from the storied  halls of The Capitol. 

You see, this magnificent marble building was at one time home to a curious institution known as the Supreme Court of our nation, a perfectly strange notion to us blissfully unaware contemporaries. I really cannot envision any logical reason to have, in addition to the blasphemous two, a third branch of governance concerned with such measly duties as defending that dusty old piece of paper known as our constitution. Who could possibly want to stretch the boundaries of federal power? Not our perfectly righteous incorruptible president or the good ol’ boys of the senate? A silly notion indeed! 

As is my understanding, spirit Halloween takes advantage of the many decrepit, forgotten, and all around unimportant detrimental pieces of real estate around the U.S. for the advancement of seasonal corporate profit. I imagine this “Supreme Court” would be simply the perfect flagship location for your temporary consumerist joy! I have been fortunate enough to become acquainted with the realtors of this property, that being the gentleman of the Trump Corporation, who will be more than happy to arrange an acquisition deal with you! Your initial contact should be John G. Roberts, head corporate realtor for the District of Columbia, a man with great experience selling away the foundations of American Democracy on behalf of the Trump Corporation. 

Sincerely, 

J.D. Vance,

An average regular guy, not creepy at all. 

Professional couch enthusiast.

Written by guest writer Atticus Nightengale

THE MINECRAFT MOVIE, A COMPLETE SUCCESS!

The long awaited Minecraft movie finally released its first trailer this month, and it has everyone really excited for the release of the full film in early April of next year. 

Everyone CRAP has talked to has explained their complete confidence and love of the new movie! Many people were super happy with the CGI and the great casting. One person said that he was so excited to see Jack Black as Steve. Since he performed so well as an animated Bowser in the Mario Movie, the next logical step would be live action Steve because, as video game characters, that makes them compatible and Jack Black definitely looks so much like Steve.

We are also so excited about the amazing plot! Piglins fighting the main characters in the over world, what a great idea! It’s an obvious story that’s never been told, because it’s not in the game. People would be tired of the adventures going to fight the Ender Dragon because everyone’s already played that. They would rather see a new story that has no basis in the game in a movie specifically about the game! The sub plot is also very exciting, with a villager getting trapped in the real world, and falling in love with Jennifer Coolidge playing herself (a divorced high school principal). What could go wrong? The comedy is endless and seemingly more attuned to a humorous video skit rather than a full length film, but that just makes it funnier for longer, (right?).

Plus, we’re very excited about the costumes. Jason Momoa’s pink leather jacket fits his character perfectly, because he looks like he got it out of the garbage, and as a side note, his character being known as “the Garbageman” must be crucial to the film’s overall plot. And who could forget Jack Black’s “Steve” costume? It was a super smart money saving trick to have Jack black just wear a blue shirt from his closet and get the rest of the costumes from Goodwill so that they could save on the costume budget in preparation if the movie doesn’t break even. Which is smart, because it won’t.

To close this article, we had our founder (and current college student), Benito, sneak into the Legendary Entertainment Inc offices and “legally obtain” a copy of the minecraft movie screenplay. Please enjoy some of our favorite 100% real lines:

STEVE: Don’t worry, bud! Buckets are USEFUL here!

STEVE: I am STEVE!

TEENAGE GIRL: Oh no! It’s right behind me, isn't it…

TWEEN GUY (straight to camera): This is so skibidi, my fellow sigmas!

LADY: I just put a notch in this block of wood!

JASON MOMOA: I’ve got a bad feeling about this…
JASON MOMOA: Creeper? I hardly know her!!!

STEVE: It’s called the ender dragon for a reason!

STEVE: Look out creeper

TWEEN GUY: Ohh man

STEVE: Garbage man, you take the high road. I’ll take the low road. And creeper, you just do your thing!

STEVE: Let’s do some mining and some crafting!

TO CANDY CORN OR NOT TO CANDY CORN? THAT IS THE QUESTION

HAMLET: to Audience 

To candy corn, or not to candy corn? that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mouth to suffer

The waxy texture and dubious flavor of those striped nuggets,

Or to take arms against the bowl of sugary doom

And, by resisting, eat the chocolate. To chew: to crunch;

No more; and by a crunch to say we end

The stomachache and the thousand unnatural calories

That Halloween is heir to, 'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be dodged. To chew, to crunch;

To crunch: perchance, to regret: ay, there’s the rub;

For in that candy crunch, what regret may come

When we have shuffled off that mortal snack,

Must give us pause. There’s the reflection

That makes disasters of dental hygiene so long-lasting.

For who would bear the dentist's drill and lecture,

The smirk of the smug non-candy-corn-eater,

The Twitter jokes, the "’tis like eating a candle,"

The horrors of a bowlful left untouched,

The office potluck where no one else dared,

When you yourself might just as easily choose

The mini Snickers? Who would such nonsense bear,

To crunch and chew through that orange and yellow

When Reese’s call from the kitchen?

But that the guilt of Aunt Carol’s gift bag,

The seasonal spirit that haunts us all,

Makes us rather eat the corn we hate

Than face her judgment for wasting festive treats.

Thus tradition does make sugar zombies of us all;

And thus the sticky bags of stale confections

Are sicklied o’er with the pale cast of obligation,

And with this regard, our snack table’s fate

Turns toward ruin and digestive despair,

And we lose the name of moderation.

Soft you now, thy fun-sized Kit-Kat!

Be all my sins remembered.

COSTUME IDEAS:

Costume ideas is a bit of a self explanatory section. People have trouble coming up with cool, epic halloween costumes as they get older. But never fear, for us here at CRAP have the antidote to your boring, uncreative personality! In this section, we’ll share some of our hottest costumes for this year's Halloween celebrations: 

• KSI, Mr. Beast, and Logan paul (the three horsemen of subpar internet content)

• Raygun the Australian breakdancer (without medal)

• The ghost of Matpat

• Jason (The Garbageman) Momoa as that dude in the pink leather jacket (bonus points for two buckets and a chain)

• Jack Black as Steve (cheap: only need 80s Blue V-neck and 2-6 months of no shaving–start early)

• That lady that says “What the hell”

• The Guy on Cocaine who decided mixing live-action with Minecraft was a good idea.

• The Ghost of late night T.V.

• The Costco Guys: AJ, Big Justice, and the Rizzler

• Sherman from Mr. Peabody and Sherman (minimum effort if you’re a nerdy white kid with glasses)

• Couples costume: President and Vice President (with red or blue tie for distinguishing). Bonus: add eyeliner for JD Vance!

• Ghost of Dr. O’Connor (to scare the freshmen)

• Couples costume: Milton and Halien

HORRORSCOPES

Your horoscope is very important, especially during the spooky autumnal months! That’s why we changed the horoscope column title to say HORRORscopes. Get it? It’s a pun! Anyhoots, the stars influence every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade of the (on average) 79 centuries of your life. Don’t pay attention to any other horoscopes. They’re fake, stupid, and lame, which is not cool. And trust me, I know what’s cool. This is the only publication that truly knows the future. Take a look!

Aries: You’ll plan a couples costume, your partner will tell you they’ll wear it, but they won’t!

Taurus: Your candy corn will not taste as good as when you were a kid, kinda like Kraft Mac & cheese.

Gemini: You’ll go to Spirit Halloween and they won’t have any decorations left, only those severed hand door knockers that play stupid music.

Cancer: You don't have cancer, but… You have herpes OoOooOoo!

Leo: You’ll encounter a “take one” bowl while trick or treating, but the guy before you took all the Candy.

Virgo: You’ll be found out to be lame and won’t get invited to any halloween parties.

Libra: You will find a “take one” candy bowl, ignore the sign (only star signs matter) and take them all. 

Scorpio: You’ll go to Oktoberfest to enjoy “Fun Games” and “Free Music” only to find out that you were supposed to go to central quad, not Munich, Germany.

Sagittarius: You’ll dress up as Evil Knievel, but everyone will mistake you for Elvis.

Capricorn: You’ll go to school the Friday after Halloween, only to find all the teachers ditched.

Aquarius: You’ll find a 14th century celtic claymore in a snickers.

Pisces: You'll get a fish in your candy.