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Issue 25 of Claremont's Really Academic Paper
Released on September 17, 2024
WELCOME!
Well, this is the first issue of this school year and let me just say, first and foremost, it’ll all go downhill from here—but we’re happy to have you along for the ride. In this issue, as is tradition, we will touch on our hopes for this upcoming school year, chat about what’s changed on campus, and give some advice to the new class of… 2028!? Born in 2010—eww. Anyway, I, as the New Editor in Chief, would like to say thank you for reading our newest issue. So without further ado, let me give you a warm, CRAPpy welcome back to school!!
-LLM, President/EIC
C.R.A.P. TWO, ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
You may have recalled, after seeing this issue, that C.R.A.P.’s staff and entire editorial board graduated in June, and you would be correct. I, through hard work, determination, and being the last remaining staff member, rose up from reporter, to President and Editor in Chief, as well as all other roles. Thankfully, our previous President and resident playboy genius Benito Summers Sandoval will be serving as president emeritus and may help write in the future, depending on how busy he is at Barnard Women’s College (Go Millie the Dancing Bear!) Without Benito, this paper will no longer be funny, but thanks for reading anyways.
-The New (But not so improved) Editorial Board
DISASTER STRIKES AT FIRST FOOTBALL GAME OF THE SEASON
On Friday, August 23, the Claremont H.S. football team made their debut in the 2024 Football season. Thankfully, the Wolfpack footballers came back with a win against Diamond Ranch H.S., establishing new faith in the C.H.S. Football program.
The game was also accompanied by the coveted unveiling of C.H.S.’s new mascot! The new mascot, introduced in late June in memory of the late Dr. Mitchell (long story) was a live wolf from the San Diego Zoo. The crowd went electric when the curtains were pulled to reveal the beast. However, fear struck players and attendees alike when Claremont’s new mascot, startled by the overwhelming crowd noise, began howling and opening its cage from the inside. Soon, the wolf had escaped its box of captivity (or cage for you layfolk) and began running across the field. It leapt over the railings and into the stands, wreaking serious havoc as attendees ran in all directions during the game's kickoff.
In the speaker's box, the school sports reporters had the impossible task of calming the crowd and trying to direct panicked individuals to safety, that is until the wolf made its way into the box, wrecking all of the expensive equipment and chasing the reporters out of the box. We were able to get an exclusive yet short interview with a reporter, who wished to stay anonymous:
Lyle: “What were you feeling when you saw the wolf breaking out of its cage?”
Anonymous: “I was truly distraught and mortified by the occurrence”
L: “So what was your response to the wolf’s escape, Archibald Clemens?”
A: “I told you that I wanted to remain anonymous!”
L: “Oh, excuse me.”
A: “Just don’t print it.”
L: “Don’t worry, we don't print!”
This was the exclusive interview with the anonymous sports reporter who was in the box during the time of the wolf’s escape. After the interview I was again contacted by the reporter who told me more of the story and put me in connection with the referee who trapped the wolf.
After the wolf’s rampage through the box, it began chasing a referee thinking he was a zebra, so the ref ran towards the cafeteria, evidently in an attempt to distract the wolf with the delicious smell of meat in the kitchen. Unfortunately, after getting to the cafeteria, the wolf was still on the hunt so he had to trick the wolf into locking itself in the walk-in refrigerator. Thankfully only two people were trampled with only 14 people being injured during the whole ordeal. There is still an ongoing investigation into what happened and who’s to blame. However, in a shocking turn of events, the school came out and said that “despite the small hiccups, the event was overall a success”. We are unsure what this means or why the school would say something like thi, so we will leave you dear reader with this official picture taken from the cafeteria’s security camera of the cafeteria scene, the night of the incident, given to us by the animalistic crime unit of the Claremont PD.
A real photograph of the incident
OP-ED: WHO LIKES FOOTBALL ANYWAY?
Football is honestly boring. I don’t get the point of watching a bunch of sweaty men pile on top of each other and fight over a pigskin. So why should people even care if the football team lost in our, I mean their last game? It’s so lame to care about high school football so much. So what if C.H.S. had an awful season last year? It doesn’t matter because football shouldn’t be what you care most about at our school. Honestly it’s such a small part of high school life that if we lost no one should care.
The only time when football is fun, I guess, is when it brings the school together, like when they're winning. That’s when you should care and watch games. Don’t watch when we’re losing. It’s not a fun time for anyone. That being said, the football team is having a bbq fundraiser which is more my speed so go get a ticket for that I guess.
-A very Nerdy Nerd who HATES football
THE NECESSITY OF DRINKING WATER:
With the temperature on the rise, and 100+ degree days becoming more commonplace, researchers have recently started investigating the link between heat related illness and the lack of water consumed by the youth of today. This is said to be a result of water being thought of a “gross”, “tasteless”, and “Frankly, [it’s] generally unappealing to the extent that I would be remiss to mention that I could not find myself within the vicinity of [it], and to hear [it’s] mention would be to cause great distress to myself.” -Lao Tzu (Examples from the study).
Instead of water, researchers found that youth and teens often prefer to drink motor oil as it “oils up the ole’ innards” -Our collective Dad (in reference to cars). This new trend can be traced back to a popular car streamer announcing his new venture into the “car drink” market.
In the study researchers found that there may be possible health complications in young people as a result of low water consumption. The researchers sighted a little known illness of dehydration as a leading cause of teens and youth experiencing severe stomach disorders and death. As a result, these researchers came to conclude that water needs to be a bigger part of our drinking diet.
In keeping with our devotion to the facts, Claremont’s Really Academic Paper urges all its readers to consume the currently recommended daily amount of water, .28 litres to 16.5 gallons. We hope that this article will push the younger generation to cut down on the motor oil and consume more water to live longer lives with more H2O too!
FRESHMAN TIPS AND TRICKS FROM A PRO:
This list of tips has been compiled with the help of the whole C.R.A.P. staff, as a way to provide some important information and vital tools to the class of ‘28 (ewww).
Try your hardest to not be a freshman: If you are one, you’ll get what’s coming.
Never commit a peeling: nothing but trouble comes from peeling people. Look no further than the C.H.S. Peeling of 19—* (citation provided at end of issue)
Getting ahead: It is vital that you get ahead of your work. To do this, I recommend telling your teacher to hand out all of the first semester's work within the first month of school.
Dress for success: To get by in this school, you must dress correctly, (see our story on the new dress code coming out in our next issue) 4 piece Suits, white tie/black tie dress, top hats recommended.
Sleep?: You don’t need sleep, you're an academic weapon. You need to work 24 hours a day to complete all of the assignments you have now. Coffee is your new best friend. Pro tip, get hazelnut creamer. (It tastes great!)
Sleep: Be sure to get plenty of sleep. It’s very important that you come to school with a full night's rest so you are refreshed and prepared for the day ahead.
Join a sport: Don’t be a nerd, join a sport, point Dexter, if not, I’m going shove you into a locker, not to mention you might make some friends, which we know you don’t have if you’re reading this.
Focus on academics: Joining a sport takes a lot of time and effort, if you don’t join a sport, you’ll have more time to hang out with friends, finish homework on time, and sleep (see above). Also, do you really want to be a sweaty jock?
Go to Webb: Why are you wasting your time here? Go to Webb and get into an Ivy leugue college or top 25 university.
Go to Webb?: Webb is for nerds, and their prom is lame. Also, I heard that a friend of a freind’s sister’s best friend found out that the principle at Webb slowly cuts down the lunch meal sizes to test the effects of hunger on learning.
Extra Curriculars: You should probably join Theater, Marching band, or yearbook if you wanna make friends because none of the other extra curriculars are good, just a thought.
P.E.: It’s the worst part of high school life, but you’ll get through it, it’s only one year. Oh wait, now you have two years of it, sucks to be you!
TEACHERS CAUSE CONTROVERSY OVER NEW PHONE PROTOCOLS:
On Wednesday August 28th, teachers and students alike were introduced to a brand new phone policy that would impose new restrictions and overall ban phone usage during the class period. This new policy naturally disappointed some students, but it also left some teachers perplexed at the fact that they must now actually teach classes.
Gone now are the days that a teacher could just leave the class to their own devices (literally) and sit back, just making sure no one dies. With this new regulation, a teacher must actively teach pupils and ensure class wide comprehension of material—an act foreign to many in the district.
Many teachers are up in arms at the change, one quoted as saying “I got into teaching to occasionally yell at kids and play solitaire on my computer for money, not to actually put up with these kids and their problems!”. This sentiment is shared among multiple teachers at CHS, all of whom claim the change is unfair and that students could probably learn more from their phones than in class anyway.
Until the implementation of the ban, it was thought that over 3 classes on campus suffered from excessive phone/electronic device usage, mainly computer science.
The C.H.S. faculty in support of this change hope that the change will increase our graduation rate from 99.98% to 113%. If this lofty goal is met, perhaps then everyone can understand the necessity for a ban like this, but we can only wait.
PUNXSUTAWNEY PHAUX?! WEATHER EXPERTS QUESTION THE SCIENCE BEHIND THE GROUNDHOG
On the 3rd of September, weather experts published an official report, suggesting that the famed groundhog of Punxsutawney Pennsylvania, Punxsutawney Phil does not, in fact, decide when the weather gets warmer, starting the spring season.
This comes amidst the Punxsutawney chamber of commerce announcing that, to raise money for the 55th annual Punxsutawney Fall Harvest Festival and Marketplace they will have Punxsutawney Phil announce the end of summer and beginning of fall. Skeptical weather experts say in their 36 page report “There is absolutely no scientific evidence that Punxsutawney Phil decides the weather. To suggest that a groundhog can decide weather is completely asinine” (Page 4: Phil the Punxsutawney Fraud).
The Punxsutawney Chamber of Commerce was contacted by a reporter here at C.R.A.P. and an official statement was released to us that defended the defamed Groundhog and provided insight into the “infallible” evidence supporting Phil and striking back against the researchers who are now know to the local Punxsutawney community as “Philipagans”.
The following is the official statement/response* to the allegations defaming Punxsutawney Phil and the Punxsutawney Chamber of Commerce, brought to you by Claremont’s Really Academic Paper:
“Recently, it has come to the attention of the Punxsutawney C.C. that researchers have defamed and attacked our idol and local weather controller, Punxsutawney Phil. This came as a shock to us all and this letter will act as the official statement of The Punxsutawney Chamber of Commerce and a defense against our defamed mascot.
These so-called researchers have no clear idea of the forces they report on. Punxsutawney Phil is a local groundhog hall-of-famer and a decider of weather… These accusations are completely unfounded and false, Punxsutawney Phil can indeed control the weather as is proven by this very simple science:… Therefore, you can see that Punxsutawney Phil is a legitimate controller of the weather.”
*Official response has been shortened for the sake of brevity.
A response from the researchers has yet to be released, leaving many wondering, “Is Punxsutawney Phil indeed the fabled weather controlling ground hog that this world needs, but not the one it deserves?”
CELEBRATING 111.11 YEARS OF C.R.A.P.
Join Claremont’s Really Academic Paper in wishing a very happy birthday to our old pal and CRAP mascot Wentworth O’Connor the Wolf, born exactly 111.11 years ago in 1913 with the founding of our amazing paper. The Official C.R.A.P. Birthday Issue (Crappy Birthday) will be released later this year so keep an eye out!
HOROSCOPES
Your horoscope is very important. The stars influence every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade of the (on average) .79 centuries of your life. Don’t pay attention to any other horoscopes. They’re fake, stupid, and lame, which is not cool. And trust me, I know what’s cool. This is the only publication that truly knows the future. Take a look!
Aries: Your pet hamster will get out of its cage and eat your most expensive Pokémon cards.
Taurus: You’ll be eating a sandwich then suddenly notice that it’s full of ants! (Yuck)
Gemini: Unlike the name would suggest, you’re not a gem, you’re just average.
Cancer: You still don’t have cancer but I would check in on that herpes, just in case.
Leo: Sell all your Meme coin now, it’s about to drop!
Virgo: Happy Birthday!
Libra: Stay away from Scorpio, they’ll try to rip you off of 200 dollars in Meme coin. Diamond hands, we’re riding this rocket to the moon.
Scorpio: Buy as much Meme coin as possible, piece of advice, Libra’s are weak willed and prone to manipulation, you could probably get some for cheaper that way.
Sagittarius: You’re going to sleep through your morning alarm and miss the Dhar Mann meet and greet.
Capricorn: You will see a shooting star, then as it gets bigger and moves towards you faster it will take the shape of an asteroid and your house will get blown up.
Aquarius: A trip to Hawaii will end in you getting lei’d. You're still a virgin though. And that's cool!
Pisces: I hear that you’re the fish one, so have fun eating smaller fish or whatever you guys do.
ROYAL UPDATES VOL. 5
Since our summer break, much has happened to our old pal King Chuck and the Royal family, so, in keeping with our promise, here is the first very real Royal Update of the year, enjoy!
We are really excited to report that, after his cancer scare, King Charles is doing absolutely swimmingly! He extended his formal apologies to the editorial board of C.R.A.P. For not being available for any interviews during this time, and we here at C.R.A.P. would like to tell the king that he need not apologize for anything. After being given an advanced copy of this month’s issue, King Charles said “What a smooth transition you’ve made, the comedy is similar yet new at the very same time. As well as possessing, naturally, the best quick witted and side splitting humor in Claremont.” We thank his majesty for the thoughtful words of encouragement.
As for the royal family? They have enjoyed their summer vacation in Wales greatly. Although, Prince Andrew had unforeseen issues that forced him to depart from Wales, curiously, immediately following a distressing phone call during a heated match of croquet. We here at C.R.A.P. would like to formally thank the Royal family for appearing to enjoy our publication and for supporting independent journalism.
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