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YOU. YES, YOU. WRITE FOR US!!!
Issue 23 of Claremont's Really Academic Paper
Released on May 29, 2024
WELCOME - THERE'S NO "L" IN CLAREMONT
There’s no L in Claremont. Do you see one? I didn’t think so. Remember, L is for losing. Claremont never loses. There’s no L in Claremont! Now sure, some of you might be saying “but there is an L there, right after the C and before the A!” Well, you’re wrong. I don’t see anything there. You know why? Because Claremont never loses. Never once have we done anything bad, weird, or subpar. That just isn't us. It never will be. Now I know some of you are thinking “Claremont actually does a bunch of things weirdly or in a way that would, to many members of the community, signal a loss.” I’m sure many of you are rattling off example after example where you believe this was the case. Well let me tell you right now: I have no idea what you’re talking about. The city of Claremont, CUSD, the Claremont Colleges, or any related group of people have never ever ever taken an L, as the kids say. And you know why? Because there’s no L in Claremont. We’ve written the best issue we can for you all, so we hope you enjoy it!
CUSD ANNOUNCES NEW CLAREMONT HS VICE PRINCIPALS
CLAREMONT, CA (AP) — On May 19, 2024, Claremont Unified School District announced a number of personnel changes, including brand new Vice Principals for Claremont High School. Joining the staff next year are acclaimed history teacher Ryan Easton and acclaimed rapper Drake.
Mr. Easton is, as we know, the perfect candidate for the job. He’s one of the best teachers at CHS, and is great at welcoming all students and enforcing rules in a very nice, personable way. He respects students, and students respect him—an excellent model for school administration. There’s no question that he’ll do great.
Drake, whose full name is Aubrey Drake Graham, initially wanted the principal position at El Roble. For undisclosed reasons, he was turned down. Instead, he will be Claremont’s first ever Vice Principal of Youth and Student Engagement. According to a local Claremont resident, Mr. Graham is “the perfect guy to engage with students. He just connects so well with young children, I can’t imagine anyone being better at the job.” Mr. Graham, a former “rapper,” will begin his job at CHS this August.
With a number of changes coming to CHS, including an updated music room, teacher changes, and potential calendar shifts, this is sure to be a tough job. Luckily, Drake seems up to the task of welcoming our new freshmen (some as young as 12!) to Claremont High School. Mr. Easton, on the other hand, will definitely continue to make CHS an amazing, inclusive community. We wish good luck to our new Vice Principals!
LEONARD COHEN'S LOST “HALLELUJAH” VERSES
Hallelujah, by Leonard Cohen. This song is everywhere. I mean it’s a good song, but come on people. Everybody’s covering it all of the time. Either way, we’ve got some good news for all you Cohenheads: we’ve been looking through his archives and have discovered a bunch of discarded hallelujah verses! And we have decided to share this groundbreaking historic material with you all. Please enjoy:
I washed my socks, but they all shrank
My laundry skills are kind of dank
My dog just stared and then he ran right through ya
He chewed the couch, he ate my shoes
He found my stash of super glue
And howled all night a crazy Hallelujah
I tried to dance, I broke my toe
The rhythm’s something I don’t know
I twirled around and then I crashed into ya
But in my mind, I’m Fred Astaire
With moves so strong and moves so rare
In my dreams, I dance a Hallelujah
I tried to bake a lovely pie
But all I made was smoke and cry
The kitchen’s now a war zone, let me tell ya
The smoke alarm, it screamed at me
The firemen came for pie and tea
And then we sang a smoky Hallelujah
I woke up later than I thought
Missed my alarm ‘cause I slept a lot
Please encourage me to sleep earlier, would ya?
I have way too much work to do
I really like the color blue
And I can’t stop listening to that song Hallelujah
You went down to the church today
I thought you would sit down and pray
But you don't really do all that stuff, do ya?
You just went home, you played fortnight
Then gamed until the morning light
A freaking waste of life oh hallelujah
I really like this song I wrote
It goes well with my gravelly throat
But you don't really care about it, do ya?
I think that in a decade’s time
There’ll be a bunch of covers of this song of mine
That completely miss the meaning of Hallelujah
You pick a phrase, you pick a rhyme,
Repeat the sound another time,
Five pairs and then an extra beat will do ya.
Another rhyme, a rising note: congratulations, you just wrote
Another verse to freaking Hallelujah
SEBASTIAN'S CORNER #10 - ON THE CAJON PASS
Ever heard of the cajon pass? Every Angelino has been in it on their way to Las Vegas. It is the portal that separates the gritty and honest Inland Empire from the Hyperborea of southern california (Victorville). The Cajon pass is an extraordinarily beautiful place in the sense that it is gorgeous in its desolateness. On a humid night you’ll see how the clouds hug the hills like the legs of a full body wine. Once the moon takes stage, the light pollution is minimized to the soul freeway that cuts through the pass, the 15. At this point, it is dim enough for the clouds to be foreboding and ominous yet distinguishable. As you look out of the car window, you’ll see enough to recognize the sheer scale of what sits in front of you but simultaneously not enough to distinguish anything. When you avert your gaze back to the freeway, you see the endless stream of white and red lights. The freeway invites you. It is familiar. It represents civilization, comfort, and everything you know. The cloud-blanketed mountains show you a more enticing invitation though. They represent everything you don’t know which is infinitely more important to you. You and everyone else on the freeway know that nothing is meant for you out there. You look down to see an empty bottle of malt liquor. The contents look convincingly like piss and you are reminded that no healthy minded individual chose the mountains over the freeway. The clerks at the nearby gas station know this too. They are much friendlier and talkative. It's not for the customer’s sake but for their own. On the night shift another face might be all that keeps them sane. I don’t work the night shift but I know why they feel the way they do. The freeway and mountains are the most tangible evocations of what we do and do not know.
VIRGIN RAP (E)
We’ve realized that the concept of virginity has become stigmatized in our society. In response, we have sought to normalize virginity. The following is a semi comedic rap about being a virgin.
(Verse 1)
Yo, listen up, I got a story to tell,
'Bout a topic that many don't like to dwell,
I'm a virgin, yeah that's right, I said it loud,
But don't you dare judge me, let me make you proud.
(Chorus)
‘Cause I'm a virgin, keeping it real,
Don't need no pressure, I know what I feel,
Just waiting for the right time, a lack of rejection,
When it happens, it'll be a magical connection.
(Verse 2)
Society says, "You gotta do it, just give in,"
But I won't be swayed by the pressure to fit in,
I’m focused on myself, have screen time limits on my phone,
No rush, no worries, I swear I'm happy alone.
(Verse 3)
I don’t hang with my friends, I hang with my lizard
I’m a master of abstinence, a virgin wizard
My friends are in relationships, they say it’s lots of fun
But I failed no nut November, on November 1
(Chorus)
‘Cause I'm a virgin, keeping it real,
Don't need no pressure, I know what I feel,
Just waiting for the right time, a lack of rejection,
When it happens, it'll be a magical connection.
(Verse 4)
My life’s like FRIENDS, but it’s stuck in season one
I’m like Chandler Bing, without a partner to be won
Where I see love, they only see a friend
They may all may be Barbie, but I’m Just Ken
(Verse 5)
I try pickup lines, but they all backfire,
Like the Boeing whistleblowers, my game's expired.
I'm the Sherlock of solitude, no Watson in sight,
I cry myself to sleep almost every night!
(Chorus)
‘Cause I'm a virgin, keeping it real,
Don't need no pressure, I know what I feel,
Just waiting for the right time, a lack of rejection,
When it happens, it'll be a magical connection.
(Bridge)
They say loves a battlefield, but this battle really bores,
Wish I was somewhere cooler, fighting in the clone wars!
I'm the Batman of dating, in the dark all alone,
But instead of crime-fighting, I'm just scrolling through my phone.
I guess you would assume that all my pickup lines are fire
But I end up looking like that pic of crying markiplier
Everyone is making fun of me, they’re sayin’ I’m a coward
But how do I have sex when I can’t look down in the shower?
(Chorus)
I'm a virgin, keeping it real,
Don't need no pressure, I know what I feel,
Just waiting for the right time, a lack of rejection,
When it happens, it'll be a magical connection.
(Spoken background Outro)
Virginity rocks, bro!
I’m gonna go home and listen to Weezer!
Guys, I think the new season of my hero academia is out!
Gosh, I sure do love Caillou!
Should we record it? Reach out to us @chscomedypaper on Instagram to let us know.
Again, please note that this is, in fact, a joke, and we are all pretty much exactly as described above in real life. It’s funny because we know it.Nobody should be in a rush to do anything serious, and all that, and this is in no form a peer pressure type deal. It is simply making fun of ourselves a bit, and more so making fun of the idea that losing one's virginity inherently makes oneself cool.
A CLOSER LOOK: THE DR. BRETT O'CONNOR STUDENT CENTER
The Dr. Brett O'Connor Student Center was one of the first things we lampooned when we started publication in our current iteration, all the way back in February 2022. Students and staff alike were confused by the relative uselessness of the "technologically advanced" building as a whole. "By technologically advanced I mean it’s advanced at making technology not work," we wrote in our very first issue. As much as we love Doc Ock, we also questioned why he named the building after himself. Others further criticized the building for being a poor use of funds. We could'be bought new iPads, built a new theater, or upgraded several dilapidated classrooms with that money. If they were set on building this, they could've at least done it in an architecturally significant style. But alas, they did not. Instead, we are stuck with this bland, modern-corporate-college-esque, glass-fronted monstrosity, as depicted in this issue's cover.
NEW ADVANCED PLACEMENT TESTS
AP Testing season is over, which means it’s time for the college board to decide their brand new AP tests for the 2024-2025 school year. This information is usually kept classified until August, but we at CRAP paid a visit to College Board HQ last weekend and came back with a little souvenir. So without further ado, here are College Board's new AP courses
AP Procrastination: After carefully considering recent academic trends among students, we have developed a new comprehensive course covering the subject of procrastination and its applications in everyday life. The entirety of the course materials will be taught and delivered the night before the test.
AP Generation Alpha and Culture: In today's fast paced, ever shifting global environment, it is very important to keep up with the language used by our youth. This course is designed to educate students on the culture and language of gen alpha, including Twitch Streams, the fall of the meaningful internet, and the rise of Brainrot.
AP Gossip: If there’s one thing that students love, it’s gossip. In this course, students will learn how to screw up their classmates' lives by spewing secrets, creating false information, and rotating “friends.” To pass, students must get one teacher fired or put on academic probation, ruin a friendship or relationship permanently, and create rumors so bad that a student switches schools.
AP Cheating: We know you’ve all done it, so we decided to make it an official course. You are allowed and encouraged to cheat on our exam, which will be the hardest one available. Use all methods taught in class.
AP Physics D: If you thought AP Physics C was hard, just you wait. Covering topics such as quantum field theory, quantum gravity, advanced general relativity, cosmology, and condensed matter physics, this course delves into high-temperature superconductivity, black hole thermodynamics, and particle physics beyond the Standard Model. Students will also study nonlinear dynamics, quantum computing, and information theory, engaging in complex problem-solving and contributing to ongoing research. Prerequisites include a solid foundation in calculus, differential equations, and classical mechanics. This course prepares students for advanced studies and careers in theoretical physics and cutting-edge technological research.
THE ONLY VALID "ELDER SCROLLS III: MORROWIND" REVIEW
By J. Thacker
The Elder Scrolls III Morrowind. As the greatest Elder Scrolls game (shut up Daggerfell fans), its only real rivals are the famous and beloved Elder Scrolls Adventures Redguard and Battlespire. Never heard of them? Don’t worry—no one remembers them. From an era when Todd Howard was Godd Howard. Before the Devil of Greed purchased his soul and made him re-release Skyrim millions of times and make, dare I speak its name, Fallout 76. This was an era of a young boyish, twink-like, handsome Todd Howard. A Todd who was deeply passionate about games. A Todd who said “who’s laughing” now at the success of his games (that was actually about Oblivion but you get the idea). And most importantly the era of Michael Kirkbride. A man whose name, among those who know him, is greater than that of your personal deity of choice. It was his drug fueled hand that guided the creation of this marvelous game. So let’s dive in.
WORLD BUILDING
One look at Morrowind will tell you it has objectively the most interesting game world. Vvardenfell is by far the most unique setting in the series. Oblivion? The shire called and they want their map back. Skyrim? Actually pretty cool looking. Vvardenfell? Massive volcano sealed by a fence of souls that spews blight filled ash and is full of horrific flesh monsters, caves that aren’t generic mines but instead filled with grotesque insects that people farm for eggs, random mountains that have atronachs that give riddles, people get around on massive bugs, towns that are made of mushroom spires with no stairs because house Telvanni is a society of powerful wizards who can levitate up them, simpler adobe type buildings that are a blend of Dunmer culture and new imperial styles representing the more cosmopolitan house Hlallu, massive temples that float on the water, carapace fortress like buildings that represent the warrior culture of house Redoran, and the new imperial colonial towns that have a medieval European style, Mongolian style tents for the Ashlanders that live traditionally and much more.
Morrowind tells the story of multiple cultures just by showing the way they live and their architecture. Not to mention that every creature that you will encounter looks unique and completely different from the fantasy creatures you are used to. Oh and also all the tribunal members have a style that perfectly represents who they are but I won’t go into detail on this because it’s better to discover this on your own. This bizarre world comes from the sick and drugged mind of Kirkbride who’s lore is ridiculously deep and extremely interesting (seriously take the time to read it, it's amazing). A funny story about this is that Kirkbride would get some ideas shot down by Todd for being too weird, so he started to make the most strange things he could think of and when that was denied his “alternative” which he actually wanted all along would look normal in comparison and be accepted.
COMBAT
Ok that was a lot but the world building is among the best parts of this game but now we will talk about the actual gameplay. This will be divided into sections for the main play styles:
Pure Combat: Look Morrowind gets a lot of flak for its combat system but in my opinion, as someone who has played Morrowind a lot, I think this comes from a misunderstanding of what the system is actually trying to do. The hit-chance system exists for one purpose. For context, unlike most games just because you swing a sword at someone in range doesn’t mean you hit them. It’s more like a turn based game or a TTRPG where you can miss. Yet because it’s real time hit-chance get’s hate when in BG3 everyone loves it. Hit-chance exists to show progress. In Skyrim, there is no difference between having a one handed of 15 and a one handed of 100 has no mechanical difference. Morrowind makes you feel that difference. When you fight a bandit with a long blade of 40 you hit some and miss some, when you fight an ordinator, elite holy warriors, you will fail miserably. When your long blade is 100 and you have high agility you can now fight toe to toe with the best. It’s progression fantasy at its peak. You feel every step of the way through mechanical differences. You look back at the start of your journey and feel like you’ve actually completed an epic adventure. Sorry for the rant. So pure combat is a great first build type, it’s simple and fun. There’s massive weapon variety that actually has mechanical differences, every weapon type has really cool unique weapons. These weapons are more than just stats they actually have themes, for example, Fury reduces your defenses and makes you partially blind in exchange for greater attack making the weapon actually feel like a blind berserker rage. The thing to keep in mind is to have high agility and put the weapon type you want in major skills so you can actually use it, then take the up to 1000 drakes you can earn in the starting area to buy that weapon type so you have a good base to start at. Also manage your fatigue, you can’t fight if you are out of breath.
Magic: Magic in Morrowind is awesome. It has the most spell variety of any of the ES games. It has an entire school of magic missing in Skyrim and gutted to near nothing in Oblivion. Magic actually feels magical. Another big plus is spellcrafting and being able to do it right out the gate. A mechanic that is not present in Skyrim and only available in late game in Oblivion. As the name implies it lets you craft spells. You can modify and add spell effects as you please. For example you have a spell that does 10 points of fire damage on touch, you can up it to 20, naturally this costs more magicka and is harder to cast. You can also add 8 other effects you know. So you take your fire on touch and add drain stamina, and lightning damage, and many of the vast variety of effects. This can create spells to goofy magnitude, or you could make a spell weaker to cast it at a lower level. You can alter the time any effect lasts and change the amount done per second, you can also make things ranged or AOE. Combine this with alchemy and you can brew a potion that slightly boosts intelligence to then brew another better one, to the point that you can max out int and willpower. At this point you can cast any spell. Can You Hear the Music begins to emanate around you. You look upon a world of weakness, you have attained true power. The height of magic is the realm of gods. With one word the world trembles. You can leap the entire map in one bound. You can eliminate the entire outdoor population of Vvardenfell with one spell. It’s very fun, I highly recommend a mage or hybrid build.
Stealth: Stealth is decent, not OP like later games, but still can be fun. I wouldn’t start with it because at low levels stealth is very difficult because the formula (you can look up every formula on the UESP) is pretty rigged. I’d also highly recommend using illusion magic. There’s not too much to stealth, you can be a charming rogue, sneak thief, assassin, etc. If that’s what you like go for it but it’s the mechanically weakest playstyle. However, all builds are effective so don’t worry about optimisation.
INTRO
Morrowind does not start with an obnoxiously long intro. From the get go you can go literally anywhere right after making your character. Seyda Neen immediately establishes major themes. A great early quest revolves around a taxman who disappeared. You can find his body in the swamp along with a letter that shows everyone that owes tax money, and all the collected money. You can keep this money, investigate independently, report it and give up the money but get a reward offered from solving the mystery. After an investigation you learn that the perpetrator killed him in rebellion towards the colonial empire charging taxis on the natives while also trying to destroy their native culture. Right out the gate the game establishes the world and the present conflicts that go on to define the later story.
STORY
It’s really good. It makes you question the nature of prophecy, if history is really objective or if it is written by the victors to keep themselves in power, religious institutions and the propaganda they utilize to manipulate the masses, ego, godhood, the conflict of tradition and modernity, colonialism, fate, betrayal, fearmongering. I won’t give details because it is something that should be experienced.
FACTIONS
They are pretty good. The factions are divided among playstyles and their role in the world, whether they are colonial organizations or native factions. The factions play off each other very well. For example a lot of the Mages Guild quests focus on regulating magic while House Telvanni focuses on power. The mages guild will have you stop necromancers and mages from doing immoral experiments, while Telvanni encourages these practices as a way of occuring magical prowess. Every faction has its thematic opposite, honor vs corruption, political power vs dogmatic faith, cosmopolitan vs isolationist, etc. Some faction quests will seem shallow and fetch quest-like. If you follow all orders without paying attention like a good dog you may be furthering corruption, slavers, greed, and only at the end will you see that you missed all the signs and ignorantly fueled evil. If you think about what you are doing, talk to other members, ask people you trust, etc. you can see through the lies you may be being fed. Factions also give you benefits like a teleportation network, faction chests, and connections all over Vvardenfell. Great house factions allow you to build strongholds, religious factions let you see the world and culture, criminal factions give you underworld access. In short join factions that sound fun, think ab0out what you are doing, join factions related to your skills. Unlike skyrim you can’t become the archmage by casting a minimum of 2 spells you actually need to have the skills to rank up.
DLCs
The two DLCs, Tribunal and Bloodmoon, are both good. I would play them after the main game as Tribunal is deeply related to the events of the main story and Bloodmoon is much more difficult. Both add areas, items, characters, and quests that expand everything that is already good about Morrowind.
ROLE PLAYING
Unlike Skyrim you aren’t railroaded into being some ultra cool legendary super special hero. You are a chosen one in some sense but the game has you questioning if it’s even real. The game is extremely open to player choice both mechanically and from a story perspective.
NAVIGATION
There are no quest markers you need to take the directions people tell you and the clues given to navigate quests. To do this you have a very useful journal that lets you look at all important test details you have gathered up to that point. You can’t fast travel but you can take boats, silt striders, mages guild teleporters, and you use teleportation magic or levitation magic to get around swiftly.
CONCLUSION
Morrowind is amazing. It may look dated but in my opinion all it’s mechanics have held up very well. In 2024 it is just as good as it was in 2002. I should also state that this is not nostalgia talking. The game is older than me and I played Skyrim and Oblivion first. I replayed it multiple times, including this year, and it’s still a great game. It’s definitely not for everyone but I highly recommend it. To play it today you can get it and all it’s DLCs for cheap on steam then install OpenMW to run it. OpenMW is a community open-source game engine that allows Morrowind to run on modern hardware at modern resolutions. It also makes the game easy to run and provides some minimalist texture and lighting upgrades but you can easily get more significant ones. Morrowind has good mods but personally I prefer the game vanilla or close too it but it’s your game so go crazy. OpenMW also makes mod management easy to do. So yeah play Morrowind, it’s good.
THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT DO
Sometimes people need a reminder of what not to do. With that in mind, here is our list of things you shouldn’t do. Enjoy!
Do not drive above the posted speed limit
Do not cheat on your significant other
Do not mix ammonia and bleach to create chloramines
Do not stuff a rag in a wine bottle halfway full of gasoline and light it on fire before throwing it
Do not organize an underground fight club for children
Do not befriend someone on the verge of retirement, get their social security number, and begin cashing out payments for your benefit
Do not start a fake religion to get tax-exempt status and then use it to fund your personal luxury yacht
Do not gather or transmit classified information to the Russian government
Do not purchase a large printing press and begin printing counterfeit paychecks abroad
Do not find someone on social media, meticulously gather information from their personal life, find their address and place of work, use the gathered information to obtain copies of their driver's license, social security number, and other identification documents through various means including physically stealing mail from their mailbox, and exploit their creditworthiness for your own financial gain by taking out loans in their name
HOROSCOPES
It’s no secret that your horoscope is very important. After all, the stars influence every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade of the (on average) .79 centuries of your life. Don’t pay attention to any other horoscopes. They’re fake, stupid, and lame, which is not cool. And trust me, I know what’s cool. We are the only publication that truly knows the future. Take a look!
Aries: This month will bring you great fortune. Wait, I misread that. This week will bring you grape fondue. Sorry.
Taurus: Happy belated birthday! We like you guys better than the Geminis.
Gemini: Happy birthday (or is it?)
Cancer: This month, you will be at your healthiest. Take nothing for granted, otherwise you will die!
Leo: Look out for the wendigo.
Virgo: The next few weeks are sure to challenge you emotionally. Just remember that no matter what happens, the earth will be consumed by a fiery ball of death in about 5 billion years, so nothing matters!
Libra: The only thing I hate more than Libras are Capricorns
Scorpio: A word of advice: you really need to stop playing that wang chung song for everyone. It’s not that deep.
Sagittarius: Watch out for June 4th.
Capricorn: The only thing I hate more than Capricorns are Libras
Aquarius: On June 4th, you will find every Sagittarius you know and violently punch them in the face. This cannot be avoided, for to do so would mean the end of the world as we know it.
Pisces: Your friends told my friends to tell me to tell you we should hang out sometime. Please? :)
P.S. Stay tuned for June 12th’s issue, which may be our last. Yes, we’re sorry. No, we won’t elaborate.
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