The School Spirit Issue

FROM THE DESK OF THE EDITORS

Hey. We’re back. If that sounds a bit cold and unemotional, that’s because it is. Personally, I thought summer could’ve lasted another week or two (or three). Regardless, it’s time for another year at Claremont High School! In the true spirit of the school year, we churned out this entire issue the day before it was due. So, enjoy this low-effort issue all about returning to school for another extremely laborious year.

-Los Editores (I’m in AP Spanish)

HI CLASS OF 2026!

This is going to sound cliche, but welcome Class of 2026! Claremont High School is an amazing and magical place full of wonder, and you’ll cherish your time here for the rest of your life! For those who don’t know, Claremont High School is actually highly prestigious, ranking 2,486th out of 54,000 schools in the United States. If that isn’t gosh darn cool, I don’t know what is! But it’s not just about academics… CHS has a pretty cool student life, if I say so myself. After school, there are many fun activities: mainly leaving campus, because they don’t like kids here after hours. 

Football games are also fun sometimes. They typically go one of three ways: 1) The students are super pumped and yelling obscenities to the other team, and CHS absolutely dominates, 2) It’s an uninteresting game where no one really cares about anything, but it’s ‘fun’, or 3) marching band is applauded more than the actual team.

Dances. They’re cool, most of the time. Since I’m a junior, I haven’t actually been to a dance with snacks, but I bet it’s better than when we just had bottled water last year! Anywho, if you want to ask someone out, you should probably wait until we publish the first annual CRAP DANCE DIRECTORY on October 7th.

And now, some final notes for you freshpeople: The all-gender bathroom in the 800s is known as the Bone Zone. You must refer to it as such at all times. Sadly, you’ll never get to work on a campus with office hours. It sucks, but if we campaign hard enough we might get it back! Every time you read the Wolfpacket, Florida gets a little bit bigger. Do with that information what you must. Have fun here at CHS!

DR. BRETT O’CONNOR, SECRET AGENT: PART 1

6:00. 

The Apple default alarm “By the Seaside” rings out in the background as a man lifts himself out of bed. 

He gets dressed, choosing a conservative button-down shirt, khakis, and a nice “conversation tie”, on top of which he puts one of many Claremont High School Short-Sleeved Athletic Sweaters™—the high collared variety, of course.

He looks at himself in the mirror as he brushes his teeth. He could be 46 or 64. Nobody really knows, and he likes it that way. It makes him mysterious…

Down on the floor, a metal grate lies slightly ajar. He looks at his Apple Watch Ultra and sees that it's already 6:47! He has to hurry, as he’s running two minutes behind schedule. He lifts the metallic grate and jumps down into the cavernous chute below. 

BOOM!

Doc Ock just slid out of the letter O on the side of the new Dr. Brett O’Connor Student Center like it was a James Bond-style passage! A stellar double backflip and he lands on the ground. As he looks around, he realizes that he forgot his robotic octopus limb suit in his pied-à-terre! What a shame. But the day must go on!

We were too lazy to write more. If you’d like a second part, please reach out!

OP-ED: FILL THOSE RESTROOM DISPENSERS!!

Some of the bathrooms at CHS are looking a little bit different this year. That’s right, all of the women’s restrooms now include free feminine hygiene products! Or they would, if the school administration would actually fill them. Naturally, this is a huge victory for everyone who actually cares about women’s rights. But does the administration? I guess we’ll find out soon. 

But now to the main point of my opinion piece: if the girls' bathrooms get free pads and tampons, why can’t we get free stuff too?! I understand that I’m speaking from an extremely privileged position, but I just really want free stuff. Like, you could put literally anything in those dispensers! So I’ve come up with some alternative products for men’s restrooms to keep in stock (and the administration is welcome to use these for the women’s restroom dispensers, as I bet there’s no way in hell they’ll actually fill them).

1. Guitar picks- As a guitarist, I always misplace my picks. It would be so cool to have another one ready to go in the 400 quad restroom!

2. Rubber ducks- Why not!

3. Juuls- I know they just lost that big lawsuit, but they definitely need the money now!

4. Cigarettes- They’re like Juuls, but organic!

5. Balloons- Balloons are fun. Plus, they can double as condoms.

6. Ignore us guys and just fill the damn dispensers with the correct products! It’s not that hard! (That’s what she said)

I hope you find my Opinion Essay useful! Thank you for reading.

-Anomymous Guest-Essayist

PLAGIARISM 

Today, I would like to take a minute to address a problem plaguing the school: plagiarism.

Plagiarism is the representation of another author's language, thoughts, ideas, or expressions as one's own original work.[1][2] In educational contexts, there are differing definitions of plagiarism depending on the institution.[3] Plagiarism is considered a violation of academic integrity such as truth and knowledge through intellectual and personal honesty in learning, teaching, research, fairness, respect and responsibility, and a breach of journalistic ethics[4] It is subject to sanctions such as penalties, suspension, expulsion from school[5] or work,[6] substantial fines[7][8] and even imprisonment.[9][10]

Generally, plagiarism is not in itself a crime, but like counterfeiting, fraud can be punished in a court[11][12] for prejudices caused by copyright infringement,[13][14] violation of moral rights,[15] or torts. In academia and industry, it is a serious ethical offense.[16][17] Plagiarism and copyright infringement overlap to a considerable extent, but they are not equivalent concepts,[18] and many types of plagiarism do not constitute copyright infringement, which is defined by copyright law and may be adjudicated by courts.

Not all countries hold the same beliefs about personal ownership of language or ideas. While some, such as India and Poland, consider plagiarism to be a crime liable for imprisonment,[19] in other countries the reiteration of another professional's work can be a sign of respect or flattery.[20] Students who move to the United States and other Western countries from countries where plagiarism is not frowned upon may find the transition difficult.[21]

In the 1st century, the use of the Latin word "plagiarius" (literally "kidnapper") to denote stealing someone else's creative work was pioneered by the Roman poet Martial, who complained that another poet had "kidnapped his verses". Plagiary, a derivative of plagiarus, was introduced into English in 1601 by dramatist Ben Jonson during the Jacobean Era to describe someone guilty of literary theft.[16][22] The derived form plagiarism was introduced into English around 1620.[23] The Latin plagiārius, "kidnapper", and plagium, "kidnapping", have the root plaga ("snare", "net"), based on the Indo-European root *-plak, "to weave" (seen for instance in Greek plekein, Bulgarian "плета" pleta, and Latin plectere, all meaning "to weave").

It is frequently claimed that people in antiquity had no concept of plagiarism, or at least did not condemn it, and it only came to be seen as immoral much later, anywhere from the Age of Enlightenment in the 17th century to the Romantic movement in the 18th century. While people in antiquity found detecting plagiarism difficult due to the paucity of literate persons as well as long travel times. There are a considerable number of pre-Enlightenment authors, who accuse others of plagiarism and consider it distasteful and scandalous, including the respected historians Polybius and Pliny the Elder.[24] The 3rd century Greek work Lives of the Eminent Philosophers mentions that Heraclides Ponticus was accused of plagiarizing (κρύψαντα αὐτὸν) a treatise on Heliod and Homer.[25][26] 

In Vitruvius's 7th book, he acknowledges his debt to earlier writers and attributes them. He also passes a strong condemnation of plagiarism. Earlier writers deserve our thanks, those, on the contrary, deserve our reproaches, who steal the writings of such men and publish them as their own. Those, who depend in their writings, not on their own ideas, but who enviously do wrong to the works of others and boast of it, deserve not merely to be blamed, but to be sentenced to actual punishment for their wicked course of life.[27] Vitruvius goes on to claim that "such things did not pass without strict chastisement.[27] He recounts a story where the well-read Aristophanes of Byzantium judged a poetry competition. Aristophanes caught most of the contestants in plagiarizing other's poems as their own. The king ordered the plagiarizers to confess that they were thieves, and they were condemned in disgrace. While the story may be apocryphal, it shows that Vitruvius personally considered plagiarism reprehensible.[28] 

I think this accurately summons up how we all feel about plagiarism. Thank you 🙏

CALIFORNIA’S NEW ALTERNATIVE CHRISTIAN HISTORY CURRICULUM

Last year, the Wolfpacket released an article titled “New changes to the CHS curriculum to be implemented 2022-24”. They couldn’t have been more correct.

According to numerous sources, California is taking a page from Florida’s textbook—literally! The state just announced that they’re going in a completely new direction with their comprehensive United States history curriculum. But how on earth did the most liberal state in the union get an educational Evangelical facelift? Today we found out.

Governor Gavin Newsom was out of state last week, partaking in his annual Bahamas parasailing trip. This gave Florida Governor Ron Desantis an opportunity to claim squatters rights on the entire state, as he had been hiding below the state capital for around three weeks—during which the state of Florida experienced a few weeks of unprecedented prosperity. Desantis immediately announced a completely new history curriculum, influenced by his heavily annotated and revised home bible—which he hadn’t read since he was a seven year old.

Luckily, as we’re a highly prestigious publication, we have an advance copy of the God’s Civil War chapter in the new Advanced Placement Evangelical Christian United States History (APECUSH) Textbook.

The first shot of the civil war was fired from a battleship named "The Juanito." When the ship's missile struck the heart of Boston, Vermont, the bloody Battle of Boston began. Eventually, led by General Robert E. Lee, the Union Army won the battle. Unfortunately for General Lee, Boston was just the beginning. Then there came the battles of Los Angeles, Charleston, Knott’s Berry Farm, and Paris, France--all overwhelming victories for the confederacy. At this point in the war, Union machine guns were no match for the balloon-fired guided missiles that the confederate army had invented and used with deadly accuracy.

At the halfway point of the Civil War, in the winter of 54 AD, things began to change. The Southern Army fell under the supervision of General Ulysses S. Grant, a maniac and drunkard atheist. General Grant, on several different occasions, arrived with his troops at the wrong battlefield. At two of the biggest battles of the Civil War--Tampa and Gettysburg, Grant's army arrived more than two days late, provoking indignant jeers from the Union troops. When President Lincoln led the prayer circle for the crowd assembled to watch the battle at Gettysburg vs the Denver Broncos, in fact, he was so upset about being made to wait by the confederates, that he became a satanist! Thank God John Wilkes Booth killed him!

Following this social disaster, it was clear to most that the south couldn't anger the Prez—or Big G, for that matter—again. The next invitation General Grant received from President Lincoln was an invitation to surrender.

On June 15, 1845, President Lincoln flew to the American state of Jerusalem, where Generals Lee, Grant, Vice President Dick Cheney, and Jesus Christ—Superstar—were waiting inside a modest yurt to sign a treaty which declared the freedom-loving south the winners, punished the slavery supporting north, and brought an official end to the Civil War.

We hope that excerpt shows a glimpse into the future of California’s new academic strategies. Governors Desantis and Newsom did not respond to interview requests.

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BONUS: IN REGARDS TO THE DEATH OF QUEEN ELIZABETH II

Out of respect for the Royal Family, we have decided to keep Queen Elizabeth jokes to a minimum for about 10 days, seeing as she was recently murdered by new Prime Minister Liz Truss (probably). She was 96. Our deepest condolences to all of the UK and the commonwealth. She seemed like a nice person, and what more can you ask from someone these days? In the coming months, however, you can expect a lot of jokes related to the new king, Charles III (or Triple Chuck, as we like to call him).