The Boxing Day Issue

WELCOME!

We here at CRAP would like to start the issue by wishing all of our readers a happy holiday season. That being said, let me be frank: we’ve done a Christmas issue, and we've done a Festivus issue. We can’t do a Hanukkah or Kwanzaa issue because if we’re being completely transparent, none of us are Jewish or African-American. Sorry. So where does that leave us? Well, as much as we dislike them, I guess we’ve got to do something for the Brits. So this is our Boxing day issue! We don’t know what Boxing Day is, but happy Boxing Day! We have a few stories about being merry and jolly this holiday that are sure to bring up your spirits (or at least make you forget about finals) and a weird amount of stories involving our reporters being escorted off various locations by security guards. Fun! So without further ado, welcome to CRAP‘s yearly holiday special!

-LLM, President/EIC

WHAT IS BOXING DAY?

The day after Christmas, us Americans resume our normal, average, somewhat boring lives. That is not, however, true for our friends across the pond. Over in the UK and across what’s left of the British “empire” (which believe it or not, the sun does set on every day), they celebrate the strange custom of Boxing Day. Now you may be asking (and rightfully so) what is Boxing Day? And to that I say I have no idea. So I went on a quest to find out. 

I’m gonna be honest, I still don’t know what boxing day is. But I do know what it’s not! Boxing day is not about boxing. I know, right? Weird. I just assumed it’s a day in which the entire country of england gets in one large fist fight. I was wrong. I asked King Charles III to tell me what Boxing Day is, but he just asked security to get me out of Buckingham Palace. Guess I shouldn’t have snuck in. 

It turns out the biggest sport during Boxing Day is Soccer! Weird. It doesn’t make sense, but neither does Europe. Shopping is also big, of course, because stuff goes on sale. This holiday is all very confusing. Is Christmas music still allowed? Is there special Boxing Day music? Do the people of the UK have to go to work? I have no idea!! The entire internet is pretty much owned by Elon Musk now so I don’t even know where to look. I used to get all my news from Twitter.

I’m writing this here in a Pub in London, still quite perplexed by this whole Boxing Day thing. Liverpool won their match today though, so that's good. I’m only a fan because the Beatles are from there, and I like the Beatles. Speaking of, I’m gonna wrap this piece up and go off to enjoy Boxing Day evening in my hotel room at the Ritz in London, listening to the Beatles and watching Love Actually. Maybe Hugh Grant will knock on my door if I’m lucky. Would certainly be better than Nigel Farage (not even prime minister!!). 

CRAP’S NAUGHTY LIST

We present to you a CRAP tradition. We created our own naughty list since Santa won’t give us his, and we’re here to show you some of the high profile people on our list:

• HAILEY WELCH (HAWK TUAH GIRL): For ruining an entire generation’s sense of humor and overstaying her 15 minutes for almost a year.

• TAYLOR SWIFT: She’s ruining the environment by always flying her private jet to Starbucks every time she wants a latte and she took the limelight during the Super Bowl.

• THE 49ERS: For losing California the Super Bowl.

• THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS: Please just stop winning. (Sorry Shouse)

• PRINCE HARRY: For being himself.

• PUTIN: He’s earned himself an eternal spot here.

• US, CRAP: For being constantly late to publish. (This issue was supposed to come out yesterday, but we were lazy, so decided to make this a boxing day issue. Nobody knows what boxing day is.)

• THE HARVARD CRIMSON: The Lampoon paid us to put the Crimson on this list.

• THE HARVARD LAMPOON: The Crimson paid us to put the Lampoon on this list.

• ELON MUSK: He won’t submit to my interview requests (and his truck looks stupid).

• THE CLAREMONT COURIER: For taking our business and making their crossword so difficult.

• JEAN VALJEAN: He stole a loaf of bread. (And the law is not mocked!)

• PRIME MINISTER OF SOUTH KOREA: Staged a coup against Parliament.

• DISNEY: For ruining Star Wars.

• ANYONE WHO DISLIKES THE MUPPETS CHRISTMAS CAROL: Self explanatory.

• JAKE PAUL: Also self explanatory.

• LOGAN PAUL: I think I see something hanging there…

• KSI: Anyone who made that song deserves never to make the nice list again.

• DONALD TRUMP: Won a permanent spot here in 1982.

• DR. MITCHELL: For staging a coup to overthrow Dr. O’Connor in 2023. More effective than the coup in South Korea!

AROUND TOWN WITH THE EDITOR #1: WHO’S NOEL?

Oftentimes when I’ve found myself strolling around our wonderful town of Claremont, I've been struck silly by a strange yet common occurrence: So many people named Noel and Joy want me to know where they live. And even more strangely, they always seem to be together living in one house. That's right: every holiday season, it seems like everyone named Noel and Joy put huge signs up displaying their names in their front yards. Why do they do this? I don't know. 

It seems like all of a sudden so many people named Noel (note: I’ve never met someone named Noel in my life) are really prideful and want everyone to know it, of course, the same is true with the Joy’s of the town (at least I’ve met some of them). It’s just peculiar that people would have so much pride in their name as to say “I’m better than you because of my name!”. 

I attempted to reach out to one of these Noel’s and Joy’s (trying to do the whole reporter thing), but, seeing as it’s the holidays, many didn’t want to speak with me or weren’t home. However, I was able to get hold of some dude named Noel from England. Here is our unedited interview:

Lyle: This is an interview for Claremont’s Really Academic Paper.

Famous Rockstar Noel Gallagher: Like for the colleges?

Lyle: No, we’re not affiliated with the colleges. But I would like to start with a few questions if that’s alright with you. (Obviously trying to move the interview along)

Noel: Oh, so with the courier or an independent news source? (Not getting the picture)

Lyle: Independent (Mumbled and begrudgingly)

Noel: Oh. (So you wasted my time for this dry response? Nice, cool. Mad? Me? No, I'm not mad.)

Lyle: Can we get started with the interview? (Are you bored enough by your dumb questions for me to start my job?)

Noel: Sure. (Finally, god)

Lyle: Why did you put your name in front of your house?

Noel: What?

Lyle: In your front yard. (Duh)

Noel: Are you dumb? (Seriously?)

Unfortunately, the interview was inconclusive after Mr. Gallagher’s security team escorted me off his property. . However, afterwards, I came up with a possible explanation for the peculiarity. All of these people seem to be young people who would be very prideful of their ability to afford a house in this current market so, in an attempt to stick it to older visiting relatives who bought their dream 5 bedroom house at 20 for $30,000, these people have planted their names in their front yard to say “This is my house, I own it, me.” 

As for why it’s only people named Noel and Joy, anyone’s guess, but my personal view is that employers prefer these names for whatever reason and therefore, they are able to actually make the money needed to buy a house to shove in the face of their parents and older relatives.

OP—ED: CHECKMATE NON–SANTA—BELIEVERS

Dear non-santa-believers,

I would like to propose a logical question to all of you. If Santa isn’t real, then who gets me my gifts? You would say my parents wouldn’t you, but I live alone! Nobody puts presents under my tree but Santa, because I don’t live with anyone. 

Well, he doesn’t really put presents under my tree, but he likes to rearrange things in my apartment. Well, he likes hiding my things, but I can never find them. I’m pretty sure it’s an old Christmas tradition of hosting scavenger hunts. But I digress, if Santa’s not real, who is leading me on this scavenger hunt through my apartment? Checkmate non-believers!

Signed,

J.J. Bittenbinder

J.J. Bittenbinder, A true believer (google him)

“YOU’LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT, KID”: EYE INJURIES INCREASE BY 60% AFTER BB GUN FILLED CHRISTMAS 

After Christmas this year, eye injuries in the US have gone up by almost 60%. This is as a result of an increased love of the movie “A Christmas Story”. Yes, it came out 41 years ago, but I guess people really tuned into the annual TBS Christmas Story marathon this year. Because of this cultural revolution, many more people have been asking for (and getting) Red Ryder BB guns for Christmas, and much like the movie, they have been getting injured as a result. 

We have all seen the timeless classic “A Christmas Story” and we’ve all watched as Ralphie Parker pines endlessly for the Red Ryder BB gun, fantasizing what he’ll do when Santa finally chucks one his way. And it looks as though people have taken those fantasies to heart. All throughout the US, gangs of children have grouped up and started playing with their Red Ryder BB guns, and nearly half the under 18 population has now gone blind. 8 year old Keith from Missoula is now grounded because he hurt his eye via RRBBG (Red Ryder BB Gun) immediately after getting LASIK surgery. His parents are not happy, and neither are many others. Santa said “you’ll shoot your eye out, kid!” And these kids certainly did. In unrelated news, eye patch sales have skyrocketed.

A HOLIDAY OPEN LETTER FROM BOB DYLAN

Well, here it is. An open letter from me, Bob Dylan, just like I was paid by that peculiar teenager to write for this paper. Not that I’m much for open letters—they’re like parades. Too loud and everybody’s lookin'. But the holidays roll around and people expect a certain thing, so here it is: from me to you, sincere as God when he said to Abraham, "Kill me a son.” Abe said, "Man, you must be puttin' me on." God said, "No", Abe said, "What?" God said, "You can do what you want Abe, but the next time you see me comin' you better run."

2000 years ago Jesus was born. 30 years later, Judas betrayed Him. Or did He betray Judas? Either way, I’m not too sure what a pine tree has to do with it. Now folks are running around, trying to find something to put in someone else’s hands. But what’s in their hands? Moby Dick? That’s the ultimate fish story if you ask me. Or just air? A lot of people hold onto air these days, tight as they can, like it’s about to blow away. I get it. Air is precious. So’s time. 

I’m not much for the mistletoe and holly. Too much spectacle, not enough substance. I’ll hum along to "Mary Did You Know," but my holidays are quieter. I’m in the corner of my house, scribbling lyrics on a piece of paper. The songs are good but the old songs came from magic. They just came to me like I was dunked in a river with my eyes open. They’re in the eyes of an old woman on a bus, staring out the window like she’s looking for something she lost fifty years ago. That’s the holiday spirit for me.

You ever think about the Magi? Walkin’ miles in the desert, following a star that might’ve been a comet or a bad dream. They brought gold, frankincense, and myrrh. And what’d they get? A baby in a barn and a long road home. But they weren’t disappointed, were they? Maybe they knew something we don’t. Maybe they understood that giving’s the gift, not the getting. That’s what the writers of old say, anyway. And they’ve got a lot to say. So does the world if you listen closely.

Boxing Day’s tomorrow, huh? Always wondered about that one. A holiday for fighters or the post office? Back in Hibbing we didn’t have a Boxing Day. We had Boxing Week—fellas in the mines slugging each other over poker games gone wrong, or maybe just ‘cause the air tasted like iron filings and asbestos, which is illegal now but it used to be our fake snow when the real snow didn’t show. Boxing Day sounds British, doesn’t it? My friend George was a Boxing Day kind of guy. Always thoughtful. He’d give you a box, but inside it was silence, and you’d realize that’s what you needed all along. Kinda Zen, but also kinda maddening. He’d understand Boxing Day better than me. Understood Krishna too. Or maybe he’d gift you an ukulele.

So this Boxing Day, maybe think about what’s in your box. Is it empty? That’s okay. Sometimes an empty box is just waiting to be filled. Sometimes it’s better empty. You might need it. And if you’ve got no box at all, well, maybe that’s freedom. Or maybe it’s just inconvenient when it’s time to pack up the ornaments. That’s when an empty box comes in handy. 

The holidays are strange—they sneak up on you, and leave you with a mess in more ways than one. So go on, celebrate however you like. Carve your turkey, egg your nog, box your box. Just don’t forget to look up at the stars every now and then. One of them might be yours.

--Bob Dylan

HOLIDAY HOROSCOPES:

Your horoscope is very important. The stars influence every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade of the (on average) 79 centuries of your life. Don’t pay attention to any other horoscopes. They’re fake, stupid, and lame, which is not cool. And trust me, I know what’s cool. This is the only publication that truly knows the future. Take a look!

Aries: You’ll get two Christmases next year!

Taurus: You’ll trip over a dreidel left out by your cousin.

Gemini: You’ll make a bunch of resolutions, but to no avail, just like last year you’ll fail them all.

Cancer: It’s a Christmas miracle! No herpes!

Leo: You’ll get run over by a runaway float at the rose parade.

Virgo: C’mon, twist and shout!

Libra: You’re gonna be eating leftovers for two days longer than usual.

Scorpio: All of your Christmas candy has razors in it like it’s your mom’s Halloween nightmare, but during Christmas.

Sagittarius: All your gifts are stolen by two dudes who also leave the sink running for some reason.

Capricorn: A band of rogue carolers will continue singing at your doorstep well into January.

Aquarius: A strange detective with a pocket watch, cowboy hat, and handlebar mustache will teach you about stranger danger.

Pisces: You get no ham for Christmas, just fish.

ROYAL UPDATES VOL. 7

Once again, we’ve given our old friend H.M. King Charles III and advanced copy of Claremont’s Really Academic Paper, and here were his remarks received on the 25th of December:

Dear Staff and Editors of Claremont’s Really Academic Paper,

First off, I would like to wish you all a very happy Christmas and a happy New Year from the house Windsor. We are very happy to continue reading your amazing and comedic outlet.

But aside from the usual seasonal greetings, again, the family has come over to celebrate Christmas with us at the Sandringham estate, all except Andrew who is still wrapped up in his most recent scandal. Can you believe they’ve tied him to that Chinese spy? It’s absolutely mad how drawn to controversy this family is, like moths to a flame I tell you.

Aside from Andrew and his escapades, Christmas in Sandringham was much like every other year, my dear Anne practiced her bagpipes for a children’s Christmas show, Edward practiced polo on the front lawn (though I’ve told him time and time again it ruins the grass!), and Harry was especially thankful that this holiday, he wasn’t the Royal shrouded in drama. But, as I said before, it was quite a regular Christmas, of course apart from the absence of our Prince Andrew. 

To close I would be pleased to, once again, wish all at CRAP and your audience a very merry Christmas, a happy holiday, and, of course a happy new year!

Signed, 

CiiiR

H.M. King Charles III

We here at CRAP would like to thank King Charles for his correspondence and would like to wish Prince Andrew a quick recovery from his unfortunate Publicity.