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Issue 20 of Claremont's Really Academic Paper
Released on February 29, 2024
WELCOME!
Three letters: U. S. A. United States of Awesome. Or is it? As somewhat proud Americans, that's what we’ve decided to cover in this issue. February is, as you all know, a super American month. From the birthdays of Lincoln and Washington to the State of the Union and Black History Month, February is bursting with Americana. Plus, with election season right around the corner, we figured we’d talk a bit about what makes America so great (and a lot about what makes it significantly less great). So join us, won’t you?
-The Editorial Staff
P.S. We've wanted to use this cover for so long! Hope you enjoted it lol.
THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE
I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. Unless you’re black, latino, asian, native american, gay, trans, questioning, make under $150,000 a year, work over 40 hours a week on minimum wage, are homeless, don’t own your home, can’t make your mortgage payments, didn’t go to college, went to a college that wasn’t Harvard, are part of a minority religion, are part of the “wrong” branch of the majority religion, are an atheist, live in a flyover state, have to navigate the complexities of the US healthcare system on a low paycheck, are a veteran with medical conditions, trauma, or other hardships due to the government’s carelessness, deal with unreliable public transportation, find yourself unable to afford the luxury of organic kale at Whole Foods, are currently caught up in mountains of bureaucratic red tape, have been faced with voter suppression tactics, are trying to express dissenting opinions without facing online Russian troll bots, disagree with what Israel is doing in Palestine, disagree with what Hamas did in Israel, don’t like Taylor Swift, like Taylor Swift too much, or aren’t currently serving in congress.
IT’S TIME WE TALKED ABOUT WARREN G. HARDING
If you’re the average American, chances are you don’t know who Warren G. Harding was. In fact, you probably don’t care. Well, I was just like you for a long, long, time. I mean, who even cares about the 29th president of the United States? But then, I went down a Wikipedia rabbit hole, watched a John Oliver episode, and let me tell you I think this man was bonkers.
Before he was President, Warren Gamaliel Harding (which I mention just to show off that I know his middle name) had an affair with the wife of a friend. As President, he had more affairs. Like, a lot. How do we know this? He wrote a bunch of incredibly steamy letters to his mistresses. Letters in which he refers to a certain body part by the name of Jerry, confusingly. Letters a guy in 1923 had no business writing. Letters we should not, could not, print here. But we did so anyway. Take a look! They’re absolutely hilarious! We’ve also included, in italics, what should’ve been going on in the heads of everyone when they read these letters for the fitst time.
"Honestly, I hurt with the insatiate longing, until I feel that there will never be any relief until I take a long, deep, wild draught on your lips and then bury my face on your pillowing [REDACTED]."
Well, Warren, that’s very, very forward for a man of the times. Shouldn’t you be spending that time navigating the extreme expansion of the postwar economy? Nope? You’re gonna keep writing to your mistress? Ok…
"Wish I could take you to Mount Jerry. Wonderful spot."
Who, or what, is a Jerry…?
"Jerry sends Christmas greetings! He would come too, if I might: would he be welcomed cordially?"
Ok, man. This jerry fellow sounds kinda weird. Shouldn’t you be busy removing corrupt officials from your cabinet? Nope? You’re gonna do the mistress thing—oh. Ok.
"Wouldn't you like to get sopping wet out on Superior - not the lake - for the joy of fevered fondling and melting kisses? Wouldn't you like to make the suspected occupant of the next room jealous of the joys he could not know, as we did in morning communion at Richmond?"
Superior, NOT THE LAKE?! Warren, you’re killing me. Do something about the freaking nation, please!
“And Jerry came and will not go, says he loves you, that you are the only, only love worthwhile in all this world, and I must tell you so and a score or more of other fond things he suggests, but I spare you. You must not be annoyed. He is so utterly devoted that he only exists to give you all. I fear you would find a fierce enthusiast today."
MY GOD AGAIN WITH JERRY?! I get it now, but just please stop with the innuendos, sir. You’re the PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES, not just some guy!
"There are no words at my command sufficient to say the full extent of my love for you - a mad, tender, devoted, ardent, eager, passion-wild, jealous, reverent, wistful, hungry, happy love - unspeakably encompassing, immeasurably absorbing, unendingly worshipping, unceasingly exalting, unwillingly exacting, involuntarily excluding, everlastingly compensating."
Ok, that’s actually a really sweet declaration of love. I hope you don’t talk about jerry again…
"Jerry - you recall Jerry, whose cards I once sent you to Europe - came in while I was pondering your notes in glad reflection, and we talked about it. He was strongly interested, and elated and clung to discussion. He told me to say that you are the best and darlingest in the world, and if he could have but one wish, it would be to be held in your darling embrace and be thrilled by [REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED]
NOT THE JERRY STUFF AGAIN!!!!! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE. PLEASE, JUST STOP. STOP IT ALL. AMERICA IS OVER, AND THIS MAN KILLED IT.
"If I have interpreted correctly, you do not wish me to bring the Mrs. to Ohio."
Guys I think he was having an affair.
There is no Sebastian's Corner this month, as Mr. Quadrini is traveling the nation and central/south America promoting and lecturing on women's rights, racial equality, and tax/housing reform, as well as providing food for needy families and building homes for the homeless. We thank him for his humanitarian work and look forward to his return in March.
VOTING LIKE A TRUE AMERICAN
Ahoy there, seniors! There’s nothing more American than voting (well, maybe voter suppression). And with election season finally here, we thought we’d take a moment to teach all you legal adults ;) how to participate in the democratic process of this great nation we call home.
Step 1: Channel Your Inner Founding Father
Grab a powdered wig, find a quill pen, and practice your best John Hancock signature. After all, nothing says “I love democracy” like pretending you're drafting the Declaration of Independence while casting your vote for city comptroller.
Step 2: Master the Art of Political Jargon
Speak in complex and ambiguous terms, just like your favorite politician! Throw around phrases like "economic revitalization," "strategic geopolitical alliances," and "bipartisanship." (that last one is made up!) Bonus points if you can use them all in one sentence without making any sense whatsoever. If you do that, I might just vote for you.
Step 3: Choose Your Voting Attire Wisely
Forget the casual jeans and T-shirt look. Real patriots dress up for the occasion. Wear your finest red, white, and blue ensemble, complete with a top hat, glue-on beard, and a cape if you're feeling extra civic-minded. Remember, voting is your time to shine, and democracy is nowhere near as important.
Step 4: Bring Snacks and Water – Especially in Georgia
Standing in line to cast your vote can be exhausting. That’s why its very important to bring lots of chilly water bottles for you and your fellow citizens! This is best done in Georgia, where the sun is super hot and this is totally legal.
Step 5: Master the Art of Political Small Talk
There’s nothing voters (and the government) love more than collaborative voting. So when it’s your time to vote, engage with and talk to those around you! Begin each conversation with questions about great american pastimes like "Did you catch the latest filibuster drama?" or "How about that thrilling C-SPAN marathon last night?" If you want, you can even stick your head or whole body into their voting booth! They’re sure to enjoy it, and it’s totally legal.
LETTER TO THE EDITORS: AMERICA IS THE BEST COUNTRY ON EARTH BUT IT ALSO SUCKS BECAUSE I’M SLOWLY LOSING MY PRIVILEGE AS A 65 YEAR OLD STRAIGHT WHITE GUY FROM NEBRASKA
Howdy guys and gals,
There’s no denying that America is a great country. As with other true American patriots, I pledge my allegiance to the Stars and Stripes forever and will die for this country and my freedoms, unless it means I have to serve in the military. As I sit here on my front porch rocking chair, a mug of Folger’s instant coffee in one hand and a shotgun in the other, I can’t help but think that america is under attack by those gosh dern lib’ruls.
America is under attack. Back in the good old days, life was simple; back when there was absolutely nothing with society and people knew their places in it; back when the economy was booming thanks to our own hard work and no one else’s. Now, I love America—my America. It's the best dang country on earth, but dang it, it's slipping away from folks like me. Back in the day, life was easy, 'specially for us straight white guys, and nobody else. We had the run of the place, and now, they're tellin' us to share the spotlight. What's up with that? With their PC, their taxes, and their Taylor Swift, they’re tryin’ to change my way of life, where I got everything I wanted and needed before molding the system to benefit myself and nobody else.
As for that Trump fella, say what ya want, but at least he knew the importance of a good wall. Nowadays, it's all about being open-minded and whatnot. I just want the freedom to go ignorin' everything outside my bubble. I don’t like things outside my bubble, and the gov’ment gets in there a bit too much for me. I don’t trust no Bar-rack Hoo-seein’ Ohb-namah. I heard they might be lizard people.
Now, the young'uns, with their crazy ideas about equality, PC, justice, and blue hair are ruining everything. The horror! They've forgotten to bow to our authority and just accept the system. They're all concerned about climate change and social justice, when they should be focused on good old-fashioned American values like social inequality, poor people saying poor, and institutional racism.
In conclusion, my fellow Americans, I'm feelin' the loss of the good ol' days when America was great for folks like me. Now, I'm strugglin' in this brave new world where everyone's got a say, and my way of thinkin' is treated like old news.
Sincerely,
65-year-old Straight White Guy from Nebraska
A MESSAGE FROM (DISGRACED) FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP
Hello, my fellow Americans. It’s me, your favorite President Donald J. Trump. I’m speaking to you today because quite frankly, America is under attack. The liberal democrats, led by sleepy Joe Biden, are destroying everything America stands for, they’re coming after me, trying to sue me but quite frankly they can’t do it, I’m maybe the best to ever do it. People come up to me and tell me Donald, how are you so good at everything you do? And I don’t know folks, I’m just really that good. Better than the people on dancing with the stars. Look—dancing with the stars, what are they even quite frankly doing. It’s all gone downhill since they got rid of Tom Bergeron who was a liberal but one of the good ones and they fired Tucker in the first round which quite frankly makes sense. He should keep doing the news and being an overall loser and big friend to me and putin. The only good thing about him is that he supports me and Russia and Putin because I am the Alexei Navalny of America and we have to save, like Alexei, America from the horrible people that I also support, And Russia they have the nukes-the N word! How horrible what a word and for me it means nuclear.
Look, having nuclear—my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart — you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I'm one of the smartest people anywhere in the world — it’s true! — but when you're a conservative Republican they try — oh, do they do a number — that’s why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune — you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged — but you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me — it would have been so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are — nuclear is so powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what's going to happen and he was right, who would have thought? — but when you look at what's going on with the four prisoners — now it used to be three, now it’s four — but when it was three and even now, I would have said it's all math, with the numbers like 2 and 2 making 4 for the 4 prisoners. I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, "What's 2+2"? And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s, the 2s and the 3s because they cant make business deals and math like I can. It's terrible. It's just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you.
First of all the number 2, by the way I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Like we had a lot of —and still do, quite frankly— when it comes to presidents that aren't me. And frankly, I am better and cooler than ✨obamna✨. Which is why I’m doing my first Official Donald J. Trump NFT collection right here and right now. They’re called Trump Digital Trading Cards.
These cards feature some of the really incredible artwork pertaining to my life and my career. It’s been very exciting. You can collect your Trump Digital Cards just like a baseball card or other collectibles. Here’s one of the best parts, each card comes with an automatic chance to win amazing prizes like dinner with me. I don’t know if that’s an amazing prize but it’s what we have. Or golf with you and a group or your friends at one of my beautiful golf courses, and they are beautiful. I’m also doing Zoom calls, a one-on-one meeting, Autographing memorabilia and so much more. We’re doing a lot. My Official Trump Digital Trading Cards are $99 which doesn’t sound very much for what you’re getting. Buy one and you will join a very exclusive community. It’s my community and I think it’s something you’re going to like and you’re going to like it a lot. They also make perfect gifts, so you can buy them with your credit card or crypto. All you need is an email address. Go to CollectTrumpCards.com and buy your Trump Digital Trading Cards right now before they are all gone and they will be gone. This is my first Official Trump Trading Card NFT collection and you get a chance to meet me. Go to CollectTrumpCards.com right now and remember Christmas is coming and this makes a great Christmas gift. God bless you, and God bless the Unided Schdades.
ANALYZING THE TRACKS FROM TAYLOR SWIFT’S NEW ALBUM
Since Taylor Swift is apparently a Psyop controlled by the CIA to make people vote for biden, and because we’re huge Swifties anyways, we’ve decided that we can talk about her in this issue. After obtaining some of the NSA’s classic stalking recordings, we were able to see her record the entirety of her new album, The Tortured Poets Department. This is our opinion on every single song.
Fortnight (feat. Post Malone): Yes, it’s a song about Fortnite. Yes, it contains the words skibidi, rizzler, loot lake, gyat, and yeet. Yes, it’s written from the perspective of Baby Gronk. Yes, it samples Chug Jug With You. Yes, Post Malone's vocals are amazing. Yes, this is one of the best songs on the album.
The Tortured Poets Department: A song about a secret government department where they capture poets and torture them for information on the Middle East. Thank you for bringing this to light, Taylor. #freerobertfrost!
My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys: You may think of Taylor as a cat person, but she actually owns a huge Bernese Mountain Dog! This song is about how many toys he’s broken. Hint: it’s a lot!
Down Bad: Dedicated to 13 year old boys and girls everywhere, this song describes what it’s like for the young Gen Z and early Gen Alpha kids to have a crush on their “rizztastic” classmates, and the troubles of tweenage dating in a tech-based world.
So Long, London: A touching song about Paddington Bear leaving London to go on a holiday in South America. He misses it a lot. It’s a tearjerker. 10/10.
But Daddy I Love Him: We saw the face you made here, Taylor.
Fresh Out the Slammer: A song about Taylor getting off the hook for Grand Larceny after hiring super skilled lawyer Saul Goodnam.
Florida!!! (feat. Florence and the Machine): A heartwarming indie rock ballad about a Florida man wanted for triple homicide and a retired Disney alligator falling in love after meeting at a meth cookout in Orlando.
Guilty as Sin?: A man named Sin was found guilty of shoplifting a collection of root vegetables. He felt really guilty, and was sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole (perfectly logical). Is Taylor Swift or this song’s subject as guilty as Sin? Tune in to find out!
Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?: A song in which Taylor travels to 2053 and meets the shorter, older version of herself. Someone is afraid of this Taylor, and she must find out who.
I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can): We’ve all been there girl (you can’t).
loml: Actually a typo for Iommi, this is a lo-fi tribute to Black Sabbath founder and guitarist Tony Iommi, who arguably created heavy metal.
I Can Do It with a Broken Heart: This is a very emotional and resonant song about trying to live and find new love with a broken heart. It’s actually really good and one of the standout songs from the album. I highly recommend listening to it, and definitely spend some extra time reading the lyrics.
Smallest Man Who Ever Lived: a biographical account of Chandra Dangi, the smallest man who ever lived.
The Alchemy: A song about Nicolas Flamel’s search for the philosopher’s stone and Elixir of Life. Featuring vocals by Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter.
Clara Bow: A song about actress Clara Bow. It’s actually pretty good.
A COLLECTION OF CAMPY, CORNY, MIDCENTURY COMMUNIST JOKES
There’s nothing more American than the following: the 50s and 60s, jokes, and mindlessly hating communism. That’s why we’ve collected some of our favorite corny midcentury (50s and 60s) jokes about communists. Enjoy!
How do you know if a person is a communist? When you ask them a question, they keep Stalin'
What's a communist's favorite kind of tea? Comrade Grey.
How many communists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, the proletariat will overthrow the oppressive darkness.
This is Soviet Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it possible to build communism in America?” We’re answering: “It's possible, but who will we buy grain from?”
What is very large, makes a lot of smoke and noise, takes down 20 liters of gas per hour, and cuts an apple into three pieces? A Soviet machine built to cut apples into four pieces.
What does the Soviet optimist say? It can’t get any worse!
HOROSCOPES
Your horoscope is very important. The stars influence every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade of the (on average) .79 centuries of your life. Don’t pay attention to any other horoscopes. They’re fake, stupid, and lame, which is not cool. And trust me, I know what’s cool. This is the only publication that truly knows the future. Take a look!
Aries: Ironically, you will losew your breath several times this month.
Gemini: Trump may be a Gemini, but he’s a cancer on society. Oh also avoid stairs this month.
Cancer: I don’t care if you hate the USA, being born in the same zodiac band as the 4th of july makes you the ultimate patriot! (kind of ironic that the USA is a cancer…). Enjoy! (Jack Black??!?!)
Leo: The FitnessGram Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal: *bodeboop!* A sing lap should be completed every time you hear this sound. *Ding!* Remember to run in a straight line and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark. Get ready!… Start. *Ding!* *smooth jazz commences*
Virgo: Hey, you. Just don’t vote! It’s not like your voice matters anyways…
Libra: See Aquarius
Scorpio: Did you know President Biden is a Scorpio? Hope this made your day just a little more “meh.”
Sagittarius: See Libra
Capricorn: Whatever candidate you vote for will lose.
Aquarius: See Sagittarius
Pisces: HBD, brah. Enjoy the tubular timez, man.
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