The You're Welcome Issue

WELCOME!

Well, it’s finally November, the best month of the year. The month of thankfulness, family, and most importantly, food. That’s why we have something very important to say to all of our loyal readers and fans: You’re welcome. Now go out there (actually, stay inside) and read this issue! 

GIVING THANKS

We have a lot to be thankful for this year. And since it’s thanksgiving, I figured it would be nice to talk about all the things I, as a human, have to be thankful for in this article. First and foremost, I’m thankful for being an American. Our country may be doomed (we’ll talk about that in January) but at least we don’t have thanksgiving in October like Canadians. Freaks. Second of all, I’m thankful for my iPhone 14 Pro MAX. I find the dynamic island to be a wonderful addition to the iPhone screen, and I like that the camera is slightly better than last year’s—this phone is way better than the trash iPhone 13 Pro MAX I had last year. 

I’m thankful for all my Insta, TikTok and MySpace followers. Both the 256 real ones and the 11.5k fake ones I bought with my $1000 per month allowance. I’m thankful for the Bentley SUV my parents bought me for my 16th birthday, and the driver they hired because I haven’t gotten my license yet. I’m thankful for Elon Musk. Mr. Musk is an insanely intelligent man who built Tesla from the ground up, is sending rockets to space and is promoting free speech on Twitter. I have never heard of a man more devoted to helping mankind. I am thankful for music, especially the music of Ye West. I admire that Ye has the courage to stand up for what he believes, no matter what society thinks of him. 

I’m thankful for food, and the person who makes it. Not my mom—our personal chef. Eduardo is pretty darn good if I do say so myself. He makes a mean French omelette. I’m thankful for our new pool boy Dave. Since we’ve hired him, my mom’s never been happier. I’m thankful for the Gas app. It’s how I got my last 5 girlfriends. I’m thankful for the “COVID-19 virus” because even though it probably didn’t exist, it got me a year and a half off of school, so that’s a win. I’m thankful for President Trump, who is the rightful president of the United States. I’m thankful for JFK Jr., who will soon be coming back to life at the grassy knoll to reinstate Trump as president. 

I am thankful for the secret brotherhood of mutants known as the Sci Force that will free our alien brothers from Area 51, so we can finally bring the human race to its knees. I’m thankful for my partner in crime, ☍⍜⍀☌ ⋉⟟⌿ ⏚⌰⍜⍀⌿ (Korg-zip’blorp), with whom I drove my UFO to this lowly scum planet. ⍙⟒ ⍙⟟⌰⌰ ⟒⎐⟒⋏⏁⎍⏃⌰⌰⊬ ☊⏃⌿⏁⎍⍀⟒ ⏃⋏⎅ ⟒⋏⌇⌰⏃⎐⟒ ⏁⊑⟒ ⊑⎍⋔⏃⋏ ⍀⏃☊⟒ ⏃⋏⎅ ⏚⍀⟟⋏☌ ⟟⏁ ⏁⍜ ⟟⏁⌇ ☍⋏⟒⟒⌇

All in all, I’m thankful for a lot of things, but most importantly, family. And by family, I mean my family in the Church of Scientology. Long live Lord Xenu and also Tom Cruise!

I’M THANKFUL FOR DEMOCRACY—WHILE IT LASTS

Oh, democracy. It’s pretty cool, if I do say so myself. Power to the people without the need for violent revolts, police brutality, excessive militarism, corruption, or racial oppression. And what country best embodies those ideas other than America? But this grand, old republic and its institutions are on the verge of collapse—if you can believe it.

In the past two years, the nation has seen and been through some serious stuff. It faced an attempted coup d’etat—I’m told that’s French—by the incumbent, incompetent, and very orange—I’m told that’s French for orange—president and his followers. Even now, he still has henchmen—and women—that he tried to implant in various government positions, and, believe it or not, they all lost. 

So thank you America. Thank you for using and fulfilling the democratic rights and duties (ha) that this nation has bestowed upon you and your fellow citizens, as long as those citizens are old straight white men. We thank you for making the right decisions, even if most of you are usually not of sound mind and/or reason. 

And most importantly, we thank you for having the basic decency and common sense to be a functioning member of this great nation, all because you get a cool sticker after you vote. I know that’s the only reason I do it. So long as this republic continues to live on, we thank you for helping keep it that way. Thank you for being the iron lung of democracy and preventing the iron fist and curtain of fascism from befalling this country. And although this may be cliche, we have one final message for you all:

May God bless you, and may God bless the United States of Iraq—er, America.

WHAT ON EARTH IS THE GAS APP?

I open my 5 year old Space Gray iPhone 8 and navigate to the newest app on my phone. After clicking on its icon, I am directed to a question asking which person I would screw in the back of a VW bus, with the names of 4 people that go to CHS primed for selection. I choose the only logical answer—me, of course. I then go to my profile, so I can see how many people like me, and I click on friends to see how many people like them (it’s significantly less). So is an average user's experience using everyone’s favorite app, Gas.

I’ll be honest: I didn’t even know about this “Gas” app until this morning (I started this piece on November 10th). However, after doing copious amounts of research, I can confidently say that I still don’t understand it. Luckily, C.R.A.P. photographer and occasional writer Elijah Limon was here to help. Elijah has used Gas for a long time (since last night). He was able to show the C.R.A.P. writers what this whole app is about. 

Basically, people create an account and sign up to join their school, where they then create a list of friends (and probably pedophiles) to vote for in polls with questions like “always has their camera on”, “most likely to go out of state for college” and “most likely to start a cult and go on a murderous rampage in their 30s”. Users can then see what categories they were voted into, and which grade level and gender the people who voted for you were. 

As I did my research, however, something dark began to reveal itself. According to numerous prestigious news outlets, the Gas App may be involved in Human Trafficking. Interestingly enough, most articles that I found were reassuring the public that the Gas App is not involved in human trafficking, which sounds kinda sketchy if you ask me. According to one review, “This app is sex trafficking teenagers and kids. Over 50 kids have gone missing in Ohio.” On one hand, that's concerning. On the other hand, it's Ohio.

Although these claims are false, according to the staff of the Gas App, that hasn’t stopped people from overreacting, something Americans are quite good at. The creators of the Gas App have received violent threats and even, according to The Washington Post,  been reported to the FBI. The FBI has not acted on this report, probably because they’re too busy surveilling on minorities instead of actual threats (you know what we mean).

Human trafficking aside, as we explored the app we noticed that a lot of questions leaned to the romantic side. I guess that’s to be expected when the developer is called Find Your Crush LLC. The reviews for this app on the App Store prove as much. That’s why we’ve selected a few of our favorite Apple App Store reviews for the Gas App. Enjoy!

SEBASTIAN’S CORNER #1

YICC’S Requiem ; Condolences on the death of a club ; Sebastian’s final messages ; final words on YICC ; Afterwords ; Closing thoughts ; Final notes ; All of the above

My mother would sometimes tell me of nightmares she’d have of my brothers and I being eaten by a wild animal or whatnot. She would go on to say that it was her greatest fear and the most horrific pain she could ever experience. She was right, losing a child is a pain that stings and never relents. It leaves you with constant, piercing reminders of what it was like to have such an innocent entity of love in your life. This is the pain that I, Sebastian Quadrini feel in regards to the death of my Club. YICC’s demise wasn't a sudden death. Instead it was drawn out and resisted, reminiscent of a terminal illness. I feel that the previous statements don't fully encapsulate the tragedy that I have endured so I have written a short interlude that provides a more digestible grief inducing effect. Picture the following scene in your head: 

A single father kneels to meet his daughter’s eyes. It proves to be redundant as he can’t maintain eye contact. His eyes are swelled with tears. He wants to tell his daughter everything will be ok but it simply won’t. He was just informed that she has no more than 2 weeks to live. Anger and frustration envelops and overwhelms him. He paid his life savings for the best doctors in his city. He spent weeks at the hospital almost never leaving his dear child’s side. He can’t hold on any longer. Uncontrollable sobs of anguish and grief fill the halls of the dimly lit hospital. IT is lost. All of it. 

Where did I go wrong? You are foolish to ask me something like that. Failure is almost always blamed on the loser. Never do people bother considering instead the external forces at play. I did everything I could for the YICC. I brainstormed events. I sent around emails. I promoted the “YICC Attitude” everywhere I could. But like a clay pigeon in some oligarch’s backyard, I was shot down courtesy of a 12 gauge hunting shotgun. Do you know what it’s like to promise the student body over and over again actually interesting events only to never deliver them? It’s the worst kind of humiliation. I don't have any social credit anymore. No more does anything I say have any weight. Why were the events never actually followed through with? I’ll give you three instances in which YICC events were canceled and their explanations as to why so. 

First off, Club rush. YICC was planning to give free haircuts graciously to the students of CHS during club rush earlier this year. People loved it. Everyone was stoked to get a haircut. Hours of work occurred in the 2 day period we had to prepare. Fast forward 5 minutes before lunch. Dr. O’connor and posse are patrolling the central quad. They stop dead in their tracks in front of the YICC haircut station. Mrs. Deligio simply shakes her head and tells us to pack up and take all our supplies to her office. What a horrible way to start off a year. 

I will follow up with instance number 2. As a classical musician, I have always wanted to host a performing arts competition. As someone who has lost several and won a few, I wanted some unfortunate soul at CHS to be able to win a competition with minimal effort and not endure the same existential embarrassment of losing like I have. I emailed Mr. Hernandez with my idea in september. He told me to wait until november. How can clubs be expected to host events if they are told to wait months before they can actually carry on with them? I waited patiently and November came along and I got a chance to remind Mr. Hernandez of my aforementioned plans. He emails Mrs. Deligio right there on the spot, on November 2nd. Guess how long it took for her to respond. I wouldn’t know, she still hasn't replied. 

The final example of events not being able to be carried out is the CHS singles party. The premise was simple: A dating event for single students to find romantic partners. It was a hit, people loved the idea. I emailed Mr. Digulio asking for permission to host the event. He declined. He claimed that it wasn’t appropriate enough for Mrs. Deligio to approve. 

This message is mostly satirical but I do want one thing to be taken away from it. Before you judge me, understand that a figure, who I will not name, stood in the way every time.

-Sebastian Quadrini

President’s Note: Sebastian’s Corner is a new column written by my pal Sebastian Quadrini, a valued member of the Claremont community—so I’m told. This is satire, but just in case, please note that this piece doesn’t represent the opinions of the entire writing staff. Enjoy! 

MY IDEAS FOR DIY THANK YOU CARDS

• Thank you for being a good friend

• Thank you for being there for me no matter what

• Thank you for helping me with that thing the other day

• Thank you for being such a good shoveler 

• Thank you for showing me the most remote parts of the woods outside my house

• Thank you for loaning me that book on Lizzie Borden

• Thank you for remembering to cover the top of your pickup truck when we were driving to the woods the other day

• Thank you for showing me that white wine vinegar can remove blood stains from cable knit sweaters

• Thank you for reminding me that you can only poison parts of a turkey

• Thank you for reassuring me that the Thanksgiving meals in prison aren’t that bad

• Thank you for telling me that Thanksgiving was way better without cousin Gus

YOUR HOROSCOPE

Your horoscope is very important, especially this time of year. Therefore, I have taken the utmost care when divinating your future. Enjoy!

Aires: Your thanksgiving break will be spent doing homework.

Taurus: You will get COVID from the turkey at thanksgiving. We don't know how the hell that happens, but don't ask us because we don't make the rules here.

Gemini: You will not spend thanksgiving with your family. Instead, you will spend it in the Dog House. Shouldn’t have cheated on your wife with her twin sister, pal.  

Cancer: You don’t have cancer, but you still have herpes.

Leo: A word of advice: avoid the stuffing this thanksgiving. 

Virgo: Talk to your Spanish teacher about those grades, ok? 

Libra: There is strain going on in your romantic life right now. Which is surprising, considering we didn’t think anyone would go out with you in the first place. 

Scorpio: Why haven’t you gotten your license yet?!

Sagittarius: Sagittarius? More like saggitari-your-balls-ius.

Capricorn: The fates forgot about you this month. It takes a lot of energy to make up random crap, ok?

Aquarius: While reading this magazine, you will realize that our idea for this bit came from a “Weird” Al song.

Pisces: Nothing bad will happen to you this month. Have a happy thanksgiving!