The It's Freakin' Autumn Issue

WELCOME!

Hi. It’s October. Halloween is almost upon us, and you know what that means… Free candy, all things spooky or pumpkin spicy, and Christmas decorations in Home Depot. It also didn’t feel like autumn until last week? Climate change is weird (if it’s real) and we don’t like it. Homecoming happened, football was played, and a little known student publication named the “Wolf Packet” published an issue. Are they new? We haven’t heard of them. Anywho, we hope you enjoy this issue. We worked kind of hard to write it last night.

-Editorial Board

P.S. Please apply to write for us by clicking the “comp” tab on our website header. We know you see it. 👀

IT’S FREAKIN’ AUTUMN 

“You smell that? It's freakin’ autumn. It's like the first fall night when you're a kid, and the air's all crisp, and you start smelling people's fireplaces. Smells like Halloween,” said Tony Soprano. Tony Soprano loves autumn. Why? Because he has good taste. You know who else loves autumn? Me. I really freakin’ love autumn. 

I’m actually writing this on Wednesday, October 25. Why? Because today is really autumny. It’s cold, wet, and dreary, but in a good way. The leaves are changing colors, which is really pretty. There’s nothing better than celebrating the death of leaves! When death is pretty, it’s good. 

The weather is crisp. So freaking crisp. I love it. And you bet I’ll dress for the occasion. I won’t be caught dead in anything that's not flannel, even if it's way too warm for it. I've got sweaters thicker than a Russian novel, and I’ll wear them all at once if I have to. Scarves? Please. I've got an entire collection, each one more autumnal than the last. I’ve even got autumn Docs. Docs just for autumn. They’re burgundy. 

When the first leaf falls, I turn into Batman, but for autumn. I patrol the streets, making sure everyone's embracing the season with open arms. If I see someone sipping on a fruity drink when they should be sipping on a PSL, I give them a stern look that could melt ice. "It's freakin' autumn!" I shout at them. They’re lucky I’m only shouting. It is October, so theoretically I could get away with murder.

I love Halloween. It's like the Super Bowl of autumn. I start planning my costume in July, and by October, I'm already a week into my 31 Days of Halloween Horror Movie Marathon. I bought a house next to a graveyard that I move into every October 1st, just for the feeling. It’s not for instagram. I don’t even have Instagram. It’s just for me. Because I freakin’ love autumn.

I don't care if the rest of the world thinks I'm nuts. This is my season, my time to shine, and I'm gonna (oat)milk it for all it's worth. I've even considered legally changing my name from Greg to Autumn just to show how much I'm dedicated to the cause. I’m reaching my word limit, so I won’t be able to talk about how much I love decorative gourds. That really sucks, because I probably love decorative gourds more than anyone alive. Take that, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

A STUDENT'S REVIEW OF HOMECOMING 2023

Just like it does every year, homecoming happened again. As a senior, this was my third homecoming (thanks, Covid) and I’ll be honest, it was an experience. First off, I wanted to touch briefly on the theme: A Night in Athens. Although I saw little hints of Ancient Greece, homecoming as a whole was about as Greek as a cheeseburger (which is German?). We could have used more togas, olives, and definitely more bouzouki music.

The festivities started, as they always do, with the Homecoming rally. This year, we decided to have it on the band stage again, as opposed to memorial park, which is much cooler (we’ll talk more about the location shift in a bit). At the rally, ASB announced the homecoming court top 5, a group that nobody (and by nobody I mean everybody) could have guessed. Although not as exciting as finding out the royals at the game, it was nice to see everyone up on that stage getting their 15 minutes (please don’t sue us Andy Warhol).

Next it was time for the parade, a grand tour of Claremont’s… school premises. In the past, the parade would meander through the town, as you’d expect a parade to do. But for whatever reason, Claremont has decided that it would be infinitely cooler to walk in a circle around the school for 25 minutes.  It’s not. Per tradition, the homecoming court rode on top of an assortment of relatively new corvettes, which Claremont just has for some reason. Does the city have a sponsorship deal, or do we just have a lot of weirdly wealthy dads? Either way, the way the court was sitting is probably not street legal (but that doesn’t matter because if you have money, anything is legal).

The homecoming game, which took place Friday evening, was actually very good. Although we may not have won, our team put up a spectacular fight (special shout-out to our defense, which was on freaking fire). After the band’s extraordinary halftime performance, Drum Major Edgar Chacon and Colorguard Captain Beverly Be were crowned homecoming royals. Congrats, guys! There were also fireworks. They were very loud, and very fun. Later on in the evening, the “wolf packet” (still don’t know their deal) published an issue with exclusive homecoming court interviews and surprisingly good satire pieces. On behalf of everyone here, I’d like to welcome them to the CHS literary family! The majority of the game was pretty fun though. 

Finally, the big kahuna: the Homecoming Dance. As is usual with these kinds of events, your mileage will vary, but here’s my personal experience. This writer went alone. Originally, I was going to go with a large group of my dearest friends, but they all got dates. In all honesty, this was probably the least exciting homecoming I’ve been to—but that’s not necessarily a bad thing! They had Dr. Pepper, which is all a man can ask for. The music was ok, got significantly better towards the end and could’ve used groovier music. Let’s be honest, everyone's a sucker for some traditional Greek tunes. 

This writer was up at the front of the dance floor when that crowd rush happened, leading me to be pushed practically on top of a certain person who may have rejected me earlier this month, which was very, very, very awkward. Hopefully everyone forgets that happened. Also, there was a wig in the rafters for some reason? I’m not going to ask questions. Final note: from my experience, CHS people suck at playing pool (me included), but everyone’s clothes were really cool.

SEBASTIAN’S CORNER #7: 

Halloween for the Senior Class

Halloween has always been my favorite holiday. Overall, I find the aesthetic to be more appealing than Christmas and thanksgiving, and the free candy is always nice. This year though, I can’t help but feel that as time goes on, it gets harder and harder to enjoy Halloween. As with anything in life, the more you experience something, the less you enjoy it, but even then there is something extra sad about Halloween. I think what makes it so sad is that the younger you are, the more of a show it seems that people put on. For example, your elementary teachers had you do spooky arts and craft projects in preparation for the holiday while these days you’re more concerned about Mr. Easton’s unit 2 AP economics test.

Editor’s note: those concerns were valid.

What I’m getting at is from this point on, your halloweens will feel less and less dramatic and exciting. This naturally leads you to asking yourself, what can I do to make Halloween special again? Inevitably you’re gonna realize that nothing can fill the nostalgic gap. Don’t worry though, I have something that might make you feel less sorry about this phenomenon. The other day I was pondering this and felt a little dreadful that I could never get younger. I deduced that since age is eternally fleeting, the most you can do is make it count for kids who are young NOW and will only get older. In other words, because you can’t experience true child wonder again, you might as well make it special for people going through it right now. This being said, when Tuesday comes along, wear a costume to school, hand out king sized candy bars, and hang up some decorations. Give a kid something to be nostalgic about.

BILLIONAIRE CONIUS C. CONESWORTHEY VI’S KILLER FINALLY REVEALED! THE ANSWER WILL SHOCK YOU😱

Who killed famed billionaire and ice cream tycoon Conius C. Conesworthy VI? A question burning in the minds of pop culture enthusiasts for 25 years. Since his death in 1997 Las Vegas, speculation has reigned supreme. People have accused everyone from late Senator Dianne Feinstein to Heisman Trophy winner and NOT murderer, OJ Simpson, who was quoted as saying “If I murdered Conius C. Conesworthy, I would have done it right—like how I murdered my wife. IF I did it. Which I definitely did not.” But today, dear reader, I will reveal to you who actually killed Conesworthy—the truth the media doesn’t want you to know. 

Dr. O’Connor killed Conesworthy. Not our Dr. O'Connor, of course. That would be crazy. This is a different, unrelated Dr. O'Connor. Dr. Grett O’Connor murdered Conius C. Conesworthy VI twenty five years ago, and was never brought to justice. You may be wondering, “how do you here at CRAP know the truth?” Well, that’s because we have exclusive eye witness accounts from the night of the murder. Sadly, the life of a journalist is one rife with terror. When Doc Ock heard that we were reopening the case and collecting evidence, he made it known that she would have us dealt with. Not expelled—worse. He said he would force us to watch a never ending loop of Sssniperwolf videos. I would not wish that on anyone, not even Satan. That is why we have waited until his dental practice closed to spill the beans. Anywho, on to the evidence!

Witness 1: Robert “Bob” E. Lee (Not the confederate general)

Mr. Lee, a valet worker at the MGM Grand in Vegas, took the keys for Doc Ock’s car, a white ford bronco that he said was “on loan from a friend.” Later on, as shots rang out through the casino, Mr. Lee noted that the same white ford bronco, with California vanity license plate 2L84CONEZ, jetting down the Vegas strip, driven by a maniacal laughing Doc Ock, yelling “I murdered him! I, Dr. Grett O’Connor, murdered Conius Conan Conesworthy VI, with OJ Simpson’s help!” Mr. Simpson denied this claim, stating “I was busy grieving for the senseless murder of my wife, Nicole, who I did not kill.” 

Witness 2: John F. Kennedy, Jr.  

Famed socialite JFK Jr decided to set aside his beef with Conesworthy Creameries (he was lactose intolerant) to help solve the mystery of his death. Although he did know much regarding the situation, he did say that he “overheard some guys talking about Doc Ock, so I figured he might’ve done it.” After telling us this in early 1998, JFK Jr died in a mysterious plane crash in Martha’s Vineyard. Some witnesses spotted a man wearing a Buffalo Bills letterman jacket operating an industrial scale fog machine close to the site of the crash, standing next to a white bronco with California vanity license plate IDIDNTDOIT. OJ Simpson denies this, saying he was “busy not sabotaging a plane to murder anyone” as he was “busy cleaning red wine stains off my clothes.” 

Crime Analysis by Matthew “MatPat” Patrick

Editor’s note: You guys are lucky, MatPat is a very hard man to get an interview with.

Between Matthew “MatPat” Patrick’s busy schedule starring in a hit fall blockbuster and putting out new content analyzing cafeteria food, he was able to sit down with us here at CRAP and explain the harrowing story: “Hey internet! Analyzing the evidence at hand, it becomes clear that Dr. Grett O’Connor, aka Doc Ock, orchestrated the demise of Conius C. Conesworthy with assistance from O.J. Simpson. The white Ford Bronco’s suspicious involvement, eyewitness claims, and the fact that they frequently play doubles in pickleball points straight to this unlikely partnership. But hey, that's just a theory—a crime theory!"

LETTER TO THE EDITORS: I LOVE PUMPKIN SPICE. YOU SHOULD TOO.

Dear Editors,

The leaves begin to fall, the air begins to crispen, and pumpkin spice makes its triumphant seasonal return. And I love pumpkin spice lattes. I've got a very normal amount of PSL-flavored everything hidden in my closet—PSL cereal, PSL candles, even PSL-scented deodorant. I can't resist the urge to drown myself in a sea of cinnamon and nutmeg. It's like I'm mainlining the very essence of fall straight into my veins. Pumpkin spice is like heroin to me. Actually, scratch that. Pumpkin spice is better than heroin. Pumpkin spice is also better than love. I haven’t actually dated anyone (I’m 52 years young) but I’d assume it’s true. What can a stable romantic relationship do for me that pumpkin spice can’t? The answer is, of course, nothing.

There are crazy people in America, guys. And no, I’m not talking about Antivaxxers. Not QAnon zealots. Not even children. I’m talking about people who hate Pumpkin Spice. That’s right. People who absolutely detest this heavenly delicacy with every ounce of their being. Unbelievable, right? And to add insult to injury, they call me “crazy,” a “fanatic.” How insane must one be to demean and despise the most perfect culinary concoction ever created in the history of humankind?

People simply don’t appreciate the essence and being of pumpkin spice. They don’t realize that it's more than a beverage. It is a blessing bestowed upon humanity. Every August, without fail, pumpkin spice completes what society lacks. It amends all of the wrongs that have been committed the year prior. When I see pumpkin spice, not only do I feel reborn and repurified, I also feel the only joy in my life comes from that iconic flavor. To me, it's a representation of all that humanity is and can possibly be—perfection. Don’t we all want that? I crave it, and I find that in pumpkin spice. I don’t crave approval or sympathy. I just want to better humanity. No one is flawless—not even pumpkin spice (if you don’t believe me, try Dunkin’s Ice Spice drink). But we can get better. Nama-stay in love with fall, folks.

-PSL Lover

IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME THAT WE’RE RELEASING THIS ISSUE RIGHT AFTER 1989 (TAYLOR’S VERSION)

Hi. Let's ger serious for a bit. You’re probably listening to 1989 (Taylor’s Version) right now. If you’re not, please open Spotify, Apple Music or whatever you use and start listening to that album right now. Do it. 

I’m gonna be honest, we can’t compete with Taylor. The fact that you’re even reading our magazine when you could be listening to Wildest Dreams (Taylor’s Version) on repeat is insane. So instead of criticizing Taylor, which would honestly get us nowhere, let’s lean into the swiftiness of the season.

People can think whatever they want about the Taylor’s Version project, but there’s one thing I think we can all agree on: Those from the vault tracks hit hard. They’re too relatable. There’s a reason we’ve all been putting Now That We Don’t Talk on our Instagram notes. 

If you haven’t listened to the album yet, do yourself a favor and put it on right now. Well, not right now. But as soon as you finish this issue. Because those from the vault songs are scary relatable. Say Don’t Go is a masterpiece. Screw Ryan Gosling, Taylor Swift is literally me. 

FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDIES: A REVIEW

Fnaf. Fnaf. Fnaf. Fnaf. Fnaf. It’s all anyone’s been talking about for weeks. Five Nights at Freddie’s! I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not that familiar with the games. Nonetheless, I’m a big fan of jumping on the bandwagon, even if I hate FNAF! So I saw it last night. It was life changing. Here are some of my highlights:

• There was a little screen in the upper left hand corner containing video footage of Markiplier reacting to the film in real time. I really enjoyed this.

• Taylor Swift’s performance as Chica was, as one would expect, outstanding

• I was disappointed to discover that MatPat was not in the film, though an actor by the name of Matthew Patrick was.

• Christopher Walken’s unexpected voice-over for Freddy Fazbear added a peculiarly charming and eerie depth to the character, making his lines oddly captivating. It was also fun hearing him sing “har har har har har har har har har har.”

• I enjoyed it when Mike, the main character, started singing and dancing to Daft Punk’s song “Get Lucky” during a very serious, emotional scene.

• Conan O’Brien singing the euro pop style theme song with Jack Black and a Norwegian disco-metal band was a pleasant surprise.

• I did not like how the Avengers appeared through a Dr. Strange portal to help save the day during the climax. However, I was moved by Ninja’s emotional portrayal of Black Widow.

I genuinely enjoyed the fnaf movie, and I think you should take time out of your day to watch it multiple times. 

HOROSCOPES

Your horoscopes are very important to the mind spirit of the universe. They influence your entire life, and we have deciphered the code! Beware the horoscopes of other publications, for they are no more than needlessly obtuse flimflam. We are the only publication that truly knows the future. That being said, enjoy!

Aries: You should learn Swedish.

Taurus: You will watch Inception with your grandparents, then spend the next 5 hours explaining the ending.

Gemini: You’ll shine brighter than ever in school today. Unfortunately, your radiant glow is due to the fact that your bedroom is built on top of a nuclear waste repository.

Cancer: We got your STD test results, and you’re all clear! Oh and your crush doesn’t like you back.

Leo: Your newfound celestial self-confidence will lead to an epic showdown with a literal lion over who's the true king of the jungle. Spoiler: the lion wins. 

Virgo: It is very important that you only listen to Bulgarian folk music this month. Trust me.

Libra: Everything went so well for you this month, I’m jealous. In November, please avoid all Scorpios and Trader Joe’s curry chicken salad. Otherwise, you will die. Not literally. Probably.

Scorpio: If you spend this month working on yourself, maybe you’ll stop getting rejected. Actually that won’t work. Just wait for college instead. Also, happy birthday!

Sagittarius: You should probably stop basing major life decisions on celestial events. Maybe, just maybe, your horoscope is made up.

Capricorn: You will have a confusing experience with a hamster.

Aquarius: Be safe and check your Halloween candy. I once found an entire Roman legion inside my snickers bar.

Pisces: The opposite of Capricorn.

ROYAL UPDATES VOL. I

On Monday, October 8, King Charles ate eggs, beans and tomatoes (pronounced to-mah-toes). His Majesty then completed the day’s wordle and played fetch with a corgi. After declining 3 phone calls from Prince Andrew, His Majesty met with PM Rishi Sunak regarding the economy. From October 13-14, His Majesty and PM Sunak spent time scrolling the instagram feeds of Claremont High School students, placing bets on who would make homecoming royalty. PM Sunak owes His Majesty £20, a tax break, and a small castle in Northern Ireland. His Majesty extends his belated congratulations to Mr. Edgar Chacon and Ms. Beverly Be, and would like to make it known that he is "a big fan of the marching wolfpack!" On October 19, His Majesty accidentally accepted a call from Prince Harry as a FaceTime. It was awkward, as they have not spoken in months. On October 29, His Majesty received an advance copy of the October issue of Claremont’s Really Academic Paper. He said it was “outrageous” so we think he liked it very much.