The I ♥ High School Issue

WELCOME!

We’re back! If you’re a consistent reader of the magazine, you probably remember that last year we weren’t too thrilled about coming back from summer break. But this year, things just feel different. Maybe it’s because we’re seniors now, but after a while, summer break gets a little boring. Anywho, it’s great to be back. This issue is a bit weird, and some of the stuff in here you may find less funny than insightful. That’s ok. We’re smart people, so it’s fine if you feel intimidated by our intellectual prowess. I know I do. Self intimidation is a real problem. I’m getting shivers just looking in the mirror. Anywho, we wrote the majority of this issue the day before it was due (as always), but we hope you enjoy it!

-Editorial Board

P.S. Please apply to write for us by clicking the “comp” tab on our website header. We know you see it. 👀

MMM… CLAREMONT…

“Mmm… Claremont…” said Homer Simpson. He probably thinks it’s a type of donut. We’ve been back at it here in Claremont High School for a few weeks now. It seems like every year has been a year of change recently, so we figured we should tackle some of CHS’s most pressing topics. 

First on the list is our new principal, Dr. Mitchell, who apparently has a PhD in "Tie Selection." Yes, you read that correctly. Dr. Mitchell has made quite the impression on me with his collection of ties, each one more extravagant than the last. He’s got ties featuring flamingos, rubber ducks, and even a tie that plays the theme song from 'Jaws' when you squeeze it. We can only assume that this is his way of keeping us all happy and distracted from the fact that he's replaced the funny, slightly inept but lovable Dr. O'Connor after his retirement. We miss you, Doc Ock, and your penchant for reminding us that humans are not, in fact, coffee beans.

Speaking of distractions, let's talk about our new asynchronous online classes. It's like the school's attempt at time travel, but instead of exploring the past or the future, we're stuck in 2020 forever, with tons of pre-recorded lectures and discussion boards. No one likes them. In fact, the only thing synchronous about these classes is our collective groaning when we realize we have another one to “attend.”

Although asynchronous classes may be bad, they’re not as bad as our next topic: the football team. Kidding. We’re not going to go there, and you guys are showing a bunch of improvement, which is good. Let’s go Claremont!

Homeroom, the 40-minute daily gathering that somehow feels longer than a Lord of the Rings marathon, remains a mysterious riddle wrapped in an enigma. Does anyone really know what happens in homeroom? We're convinced it's just a covert operation to see who can take the most naps without getting caught.

Lastly, the upcoming homecoming dance. We're not sure if it's the allure of those neon strobe lights or the prospect of dancing awkwardly with someone you secretly have a crush on, but homecoming is always an event to remember (or forget). Who needs fancy decorations when you have easy-ups that have been consistently used since 1993 and a DJ who insists on playing the Cha-Cha Slide on repeat? Regardless, if you want all the homecoming tips, just wait for the 3rd edition of our Nobel Prize winning Dance Date Directory, out on October 6! 

So, as we navigate another year of bizarre changes and high school hijinks, let's remember that the only way to survive it all is with a healthy dose of humor. After all, if we can't laugh at the absurdity of it all, we might just end up thinking Claremont High School is a type of donut too.

THE SEASON OF THE COWBOY

The cowboy. El vaquero. A shining symbol of freedom and opportunity in the American west. Liberty for all, and justice for those who deserve it. Yee-haw, or whatever. Sadly, the noble legacy of the cowboy, the vaquero, has been perverted by the modern United States. Gone are the rebellious days of Billy the Kid, Kitty Canutt and Bill Pickett. Gone are the spectacular marvels of Roy Rogers, Gene Autry and almost Clint Eastwood (keep kickin’ Clint!). The cowboy is a gimmick now! And this gimmick is taking Claremont by storm. 

Why are cowboys so popular in Claremont right now? We’ve established that cowboys used to be cool. Used to be cool. Somehow, ASB has come to the conclusion that the fastest way to your crush’s heart is through a ten-gallon hat and a pair of boots that could moonlight as canoes. They want us to strut down the halls with spurs jingling like modern-day knights, only instead of rescuing damsels in distress, they're trying to figure out how to open their lockers without knocking their Stetsons off. It’s harder than it looks.

Claremont’s cowboy obsession has led to a bunch of cowboy-related activities and events. Last week was cowboy spirit week, where everyone dressed to various kitschy cowboy-esque themes, like denim and flannel (giving lumberjack vibes). I’ll be honest, not the worst idea I’ve seen. The cowboy craze peaked in the Wolfpack Rodeo, a western themed dance. Also not a bad idea. Although our staff couldn’t go (Woodbridge; college apps), we heard good things. The dance included country music, lots of denim, and apparently, as one would expect, a spaghetti bar.

The Wolfpack Rodeo isn’t the only Cowboy themed event taking place at CHS this year. Later this fall, the Choir program is hosting their fall pop show, “Choir’s Gone Country.” Now I don’t know the content of this concert, but I do hear them rehearsing when I’m next door in the band room. It’s very, very country (in a good way, hopefully).

In the end, while Claremont may have caught the cowboy bug, it's safe to say that the Wild West will never be the same again. But whether it's line dancing in the hallways or serenading crushes with twangy tunes, the cowboy spirit lives on. Who knows what's next? Perhaps a yodeling club or a rodeo in the cafeteria. One thing's for sure, the old west is meeting the modern west, and it's a rodeo we won't forget anytime soon. So saddle up, Claremont, because the cowboy invasion is here to stay, and it's bringing more denim and Stetsons than we ever thought possible. Yay…? 

TIPS AND TRICKS FOR THE CLASS OF 2027

Hello, class of 2027! You’re starting high school now, and we upperclassmen have decided to give you all the hot tips and tricks to become the coolest kid in Claremont. Enjoy!

Dress for success: Suits and tuxedos, every day. If you want to get ahead and build your confidence, you should wear 3 or 4 piece suits, with hats. 

Get ahead in class: Get your teachers to assign all of the homework for the semester on the first day of school so that you can finish it early.

Sleep? You don’t need sleep, you're an academic weapon. You need to work 24 hours a day to complete all of the assignments you have now. Coffee is your new best friend. Pro tip, get hazelnut creamer. (It tastes great)

Sleep: Be sure to get plenty of sleep. It’s very important that you come to school with a full night's rest so you are refreshed and prepared for the day ahead.

0 period: Don’t get one, your sleep schedule will never be able to recover.

0 Period: If you‘re concerned about having a 0 period and how it affects your sleep schedule, just sleep on it tonight, unless you‘re working on the Shakespeare Final, or you have a 0 period.

Sports: Sports are for stupid jocks, avoid sports or else you’ll be grouped up with a bunch of idiots. You're better off picking a performing art like band or Theater, or choir.

PE: PE Kind of sucks. No way to avoid it, it’s just there for the first year, but hey, if you need credits, join the marching band, it’s a sport and gives you P.E. credits.  

Band, Choir, and Theater: Why are you in these? Stop being a nerd and go play a sport or do automotive maintenance. P.S. Marching band isn’t a sport, nerd.

Automotive maintenance: This isn’t a class anymore, sorry.

SUGGESTIONS FOR HOMEROOM CHANGES

In the year’s first homeroom class, students got a survey in which they could share their opinions and ideas on how to improve the homeroom class. We got access to the results, so here are some of our favorite answers to the question “How would you change homeroom? Remember, getting rid of homeroom is not an option.” Enjoy!

• We could restructure Homeroom so that kids could go to any class on their schedule based on their academic needs. Students would sign in to whichever class they choose in order to keep track of everyone in case of an emergency. This new homeroom would be beneficial for students if they, for example, are in marching band and need extra time to practice for a competition.

• We shrink Homeroom to 5 minutes, give kids their 4th period teacher and just call it 4th period because homeroom is useless.

• We keep Homeroom, but we get donuts every day.

• Can we move home room to the end of the day and make it optional thx

• I, for one, actually like homeroom. It’s a great time to get to know valuable life and social skills like how to avoid using loaded harmful words like “lame” or “crazy” 🤓👆

• We call it naproom and we sleep. Please. 

• We should embrace the digital age and make homeroom an asynchronous, online learning class. Claremont is so good at that.

SEBASTIAN’S CORNER #6

My criticism on the virtue of fashion

In my opinion, fashion is one of the most shallow and self centered virtues that one can spend their time on. The reason for this is that the basis of fashion is to glamorize your appearance as much as possible. When a person puts in effort to find/put together a good fit, they are in no way doing anything to benefit themselves. Absolutely no one is benefited besides yourself when you spend 20 minutes trying to think up an outfit. Rather, you are only trying to change people’s perception of you through a carefully crafted set of garments. Imagine if instead of planning an outfit, you read a BOOK. Maybe instead of surfing depop, you should read the NEWS. If you spend a significant amount of time trying to optimize your appearance, then a significant amount of your personality is fraudulent.

While I find excessive time/energy spent on outfit planning to be ridiculous, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t give up on maintaining an appearance altogether. Wearing sweatpants everywhere and never bothering to dress for the occasion sends a very clear message to your peers: you’re sloppy and have little respect for yourself. An important nuance I’d like to point out is this; fashion designers and other fashion industry workers are not self centered or fraudulent at all. Unlike their consumers, designers create value through designing and making clothes. Nice clothes give joy. That is undeniable. 

So, the job of a fashion designer is to give joy to the masses and not themselves. The consumers, on the other hand, who make their clothing and appearance to be a central part of their identity, have a proportionally sized personality deficit. I will leave you with this final message, don’t waste your time proving to everyone that you’re a good person. Rather, simply become that person and let the rest do the work.

AN INTERVIEW WITH NEW STUDENTS AND FACULTY

Here at Claremont High School, we’ve gone through quite a bit of change since last year. We said goodbye to the class of 2023, hello to the class of 2027, and we’ve even welcomed some new faculty members. So, I’ve taken it upon myself to interview some of these students and new faculty members in 3 key areas: what they do at Claremont, how they like it here, and what they want to see in the future.

Haisure Dixon: Biology teacher

“I’m a biology teacher at Claremont High School. I teach many things related to biology, and my curriculum consists of birds, animals, food, webs, and bees. I really think that Claremont is a great place to spread my wings or my roots. Hint to all my students, that’s going to be on your test on Friday. I really hope that they name a building after me like Dr. O’Connor.”

Amanda Hump, Class of 2027

“I am a freshman this year, that just means I’m at the bottom of the totem pole right now. But I bet I’ll rise to the occasion just like the Hump family always does. My main goal right now is to start up a dirty dancing club, because I love the movie. I really like Claremont High School, and I can’t wait to watch our football team win on homecoming!”

Harry Johnson, Zoology Monkey Supervisor

“Hello, my name is Harry Johnson and I work here at Claremont now because they fired me from Webb. A monkey got out of its enclosure and ripped a kid's face off. But my job is really easy now, there are no monkeys here. I really like it here in Claremont, the zoology department is pretty cool. Hopefully they’ll promote me to monkey mating supervisor soon. I hope someday I can have a class where I teach about monkeys. That would be bananas!”

TALKING STAGE

Saw you at the rally today lol

Really? Where were u

Upper bleachers

Ohhh ok lol. Did u do class colors?

Yea. You?

I did but I think red washes me out 😭 

I think you look pretty in red

Aww thanks lol. 

Did you hear about the Taylor swift movie

OMG YES I NEED TO GO

It comes out on Homecoming too

We should go see it lol. R u going w anyone to hoco?

There’s this one girl who I kind of like but idk

Oooh who is it?

Can’t tell you

Oh ok ok. do ik her? 👀 

Yea

We need to have tea time 

For sure. Are you going with anyone?

If someone I like asks me

Do I get to know??

Umm u will have to wait and find out

Ooh suspense

Lol ur funny 

*liked “lol ur funny”*

LITERALLY ME

I wake up to my alarm ringing in my ears. Depending on my mood, it’s either Just Ken by Ryan Gosling, Let it Happen by Tame Impala or Nightcall by Kavinsky. I live alone. I get out of bed and go to the bathroom to wash my face. I pass by the extensive collection of horse paintings in my Mojo Dojo Casa Apartment and arrive in front of my bathroom mirror. Staring back at me is the face of Ryan Gosling. My face. Because Ryan Gosling is literally me. 

Some people are Batman. Some are Barbie. Some are Patrick Bateman (I don’t understand that one, he’s a horrible man). Some find solace in the fact that their sense of humor is similar to that of Conan O’Brien. They’re delusional. Not me. I’m literally Ryan Gosling. You may think this is a joke, but it’s not. They are joking. I’m serious. I'm literally Ryan Gosling.

I know what you're thinking: 'But Ryan Gosling is a famous actor. How can you be him?' Well, I'm here to tell you that being Ryan Gosling isn't just about acting in blockbuster movies and having perfectly groomed facial hair (which I do). It's a lifestyle, a state of mind, and a carefully curated collection of three piece Gucci suits. Of course, I am also just literally Ryan Gosling.

When I walk down the street, people don't stop and ask for autographs. They don't scream my name and try to take selfies with me. No, they just walk by, completely oblivious to the fact that Ryan Gosling is in their midst, quietly going about his business. Alone. If they knew, they would riot. They would be amazed. But I just walk alone down the street. Like Officer K in Blade Runner 2049. Because Ryan Gosling is literally me.

I’ve seen the memes. I get it. I feel how you feel. When I was in La La Land, I was able to portray Seb because I was Seb. I was able to lend my talents to The Notebook because I went through what Noah went through. I embodied Young Hercules. He resonated with me. Just like I resonate with you. I chose to play Ken because I knew that you are Kenough, that I am Kenough. Because I’m Literally Ryan Gosling.

It’s time for me to go home. As I walk through the rainy streets, music plays behind me. I open the door to my apartment. I go in, alone. The next time you hear 'Just Ken' by Ryan Gosling, 'Let it Happen' by Tame Impala, or 'Nightcall' by Kavinsky, remember that it's not just a song. It's a reminder that I am, and always will be, Ryan Gosling. And no amount of disbelief can change that. Because Ryan Gosling is literally me.

HOROSCOPES

As you know, your horoscopes are very important to the mind spirit of the universe. They influence your entire life, and we have deciphered the code! Beware the horoscopes of other publications, for they are no more than needlessly obtuse flimflam (that’s a real word, biotches). We are the only publication that truly knows the future. That being said, enjoy!

Aries: You don’t know this yet, but you lost something at the cowboy dance. Your dignity. 

Taurus: Just another month of things going spectacularly right for you in every way. No idea why you get off Scot free every month, but it’s kind of annoying. I should take it up with my supervisor.

Gemini: *See Sagittarius*

Cancer: That’s right. You have herpes again. What are you doing in your free time? Are you ok? Blink twice for help.

Leo: Kumquats. Lots of kumquats. I wish I could say more.

Virgo: Happy birthday to all virgos, except you.

Libra: Everything’s gonna work out for you in October. Also, take a hint, ok?

Scorpio: You will continue talking with someone who gives very mixed signals, confusing you to no end. Stay tuned to see what happens next!

Sagittarius: Congrats! You get the opposite of whatever the Pisces horoscope is.

Capricorn: On September 26, you’re going to think it’s Wednesday and skip your alarm. It’s not Wednesday, and you miss zero, first, and part of second period.

Aquarius: The cosmic powers that be regret to inform you that you are allergic to pumpkin spice.

Pisces: You will find an abundance of gold coins in your backyard. Upon closer inspection, they’re all chocolate. Sorry.

BONUS: AN UPDATE IN REGARDS TO THE DEATH OF QUEEN ELIZABETH II

Dear Readers,

One year ago, we wrote a short blurb at the end of our issue on the tragic and untimely death of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. We promised not to make any jokes about her passing, and as President of the Magazine, I think we have done a pretty good job keeping said promise. However, we also said that we would continue (or begin) to make jokes about the now-officially-crowned King Charles III, or as we like to call him, Triple Chuck. I regret to inform you, our dear readers, that we have not, sadly, kept this promise (I would, however, like to note that we wrote a piece on Triple Chuck's coronation being the same day as prom, but decided to hold it from publication in solidarity with the Writers Guild of America, who had just begun their strike.) Over the course of this year, I have decided that we will make up for our lapse in promise-keeping by publishing a monthlly bonus update on the activities of our dear friend Triple Chuck. It is my hope that these "Royal Updates" will make up for our sorry lack of Charles III (and by extension, PM Rishi Sunak) jokes thus far. 

Thank you for understanding.

-BLS, President/EIC