The Sasquatch Issue

WELCOME!

It’s no secret that the world is not as it seems. That is why we here at Claremont’s Really Academic Paper: the Magazine have decided to take it upon ourselves to deliver to you the true nature of the world: the things they don’t want you to know… Who be they, you ask? Well, they don’t want you to know… and we don’t know either. Anyhoots, it is our hope that you will find this issue to be an extremely informative introduction and guide to the true world. We would have published this issue earlier, but we’re feeling pretty lazy at the moment. Enjoy…

-The Editorial Staff

P.S. This year's cover was a bit rushed, but it turned out half decent. Hope you enjoyed lol.

CONSPIRACY 101

If you’ve been reading this issue, you already know that the world is not as it seems. There are a bunch of things they don’t want you to know, and we’ve decided to tell you everything!

Tin Foil Hats

Have you ever wondered why the higher ups are so obsessed with the tin foil hat conspiracy? It's not because they want to mock you; they're actually encouraging it! The truth is, tin foil hats are the government's ingenious plan to protect itself. You see, they've been secretly beaming brain-poisoning rays at us for years. But only the smartest among us would believe in such a wild conspiracy, and those are the ones who put on the protective tin foil hats. Little do you know, tin foil cradled around the skull absorbs the brain-poisoning rays. So, while the rest of the population is left listening to their every word, those donning the tin foil hats are essentially eliminating themselves from the threat pool. It's the perfect plan—a self-culling of the smart ones population, those who can figure out their web of lies, orchestrated by none other than the worldwide government itself!

The Zoo

Ever felt the eyes of a suspiciously observant flamingo following you at the local zoo? Well, you're not paranoid; you're enlightened. In a grand espionage operation rivaling anything Hollywood could concoct, animals in zoos worldwide are actually high-ranking animatronic spies working undercover. Giraffes with concealed cameras, monkeys with a knack for eavesdropping, and penguins mastering the art of disguise—it's a zoo out there. That charming koala? Probably taking notes on your family. There’s a reason they can camouflage. The next time you see a squirrel chattering away, don't dismiss it as random; it's updating headquarters on your every move. The truth is wilder than you could have ever imagined.

Jeffrey Epstein

The Jeffrey Epstein conspiracy goes beyond anything you've imagined. Epstein, who everyone thought was just a disgraced financier and overall horrible person, is actually the mastermind behind a global ring of evil. Epstein, now living in a secret bunker with an exclusive cast of notorious figures, has formed an alliance that includes Elvis, Michael Jackson, John Lennon, JFK Jr (who faked his death), Marilyn Monroe, the real Paul McCartney (replaced by Billy Shears in 1966), and Tupac—just to name a few. Together, they're orchestrating a plot to control the world from the shadows. They hold secret meetings where they discuss world events, plan celebrity disappearances, and even decide the oscars. That’s what happens when you let a bunch of old guys decide what happens. Forget Area 51 – this secret bunker is where the real action happens. So, the next time you think someone has disappeared mysteriously, they've probably just joined Epstein and his gang in their underground lair. Keep your eyes peeled!

THE SASQUATCH

“There were some scientists trying to figure out the Sasquatch riddle. Then they figured out there was a missing link…” So begins Tenacious D’s 1998 song “Sasquatch,” about the mythical figure I have been in search of for decades. The search for Sasquatch, or Bigfoot, has left countless people clueless, spawning endless rabbit holes of false information dug up by amateurs. Well, let me tell you now, I am no amateur. I am a seasoned cryptozoologist, and today we must dive into the greatest theory to ever roam the earth… 

Before I tell you my story, I believe I must make clear what exactly the Sasquatch is. Some dismiss him as a mere legend, a hairy hoax hiding in the shadows of our collective subconscious. But no! Cryptozoologically speaking, Sasquatch, or Bigfoot as it is often colloquially known, belongs to the genus Gigantopithecus, a group of extinct apes that roamed the Earth millions of years ago. Think of the Yeti, a distant cousin. But hold onto your tinfoil hats, my friend, for the plot thickens.

Many of us argue that Sasquatch isn't merely a relic of the past but a living, breathing creature inhabiting the hidden corners of our world. Some propose that it is a surviving Gigantopithecus, evolved to adapt to its secretive lifestyle. Others suggest a more radical theory, proposing that Sasquatch is a member of the Nephilim—a race of giants mentioned in ancient texts.

The Sasquatch exhibits heightened intelligence, perhaps even a form of primitive culture. Reports of stick structures and mysterious rock arrangements in Sasquatch territory suggest a creature with a penchant for the arts—or maybe a cryptic form of communication. Now, let's not forget the footprints—the iconic evidence that fuels the fire of Sasquatch enthusiasts. Gigantopithecus-sized tracks have been discovered in remote areas, igniting debates within the scientific community. Is it a genuine relic from a living Sasquatch, or the work of mischievous hoaxers with oversized shoes? I chose to believe the latter, and set off of an exhibition in July of 2020, as the world was on lockdown.

I started my journey in northwestern Oregon, a stretch of land inhabited by few people, save the occasional hippie out of their mind on shrooms. In this foggy, densely forested land, whispers of the Bigfoot echoed through the trees like the call of the wild. Armed with a compass, a map, and a tinfoil hat to deflect government mind control rays, I set out into the wilderness.

For months, I wandered through the underbrush, following every lead, no matter how absurd. I befriended hermits who claimed to have shared a beer with Bigfoot, exchanged emails with conspiracy theorists who swore the government was hiding evidence in Area 51, and even called up Jack Black to see if he had any useful information—sadly, he did not.

But it wasn't until one fateful night, deep in the heart of the forest, that I stumbled upon the truth. As I huddled by my campfire, munching on a granola bar and contemplating the mysteries of the universe, I heard it—a rustling in the bushes, a low growl, a faint smell of Fritos—and then, emerging from the darkness, a figure unlike any I had ever seen.

There he stood, towering amidst the trees, a creature of myth made flesh. And in that moment, as our eyes met, I knew—I had finally found the elusive Sasquatch. But little did I know, my journey was far from over. He invited me inside for tea and scones, and we got to talking…

AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH THE SASQUATCH

by Lucia Fernwood for Vanity Fair

In the heart of the Pacific Northwest, surrounded by the rustle of leaves and distant echoes of nature, I sat down for an exclusive interview with the legendary Sasquatch. As we settled in the study of his cave, Sasquatch, who has befuddled the American public for decades, discussed fame, his day to day life, and his music hobbies.

Lucia Fernwood: Thanks for talking to me today, Sasquatch. May I call you something simpler?

Sasquatch: My friends call me Raymond. 

LF: Raymond, you're famously elusive, yet here you are in the flesh. What made you decide to step into the spotlight?

SQ: Well, I figured it was about time to set the record straight. There are so many misconceptions out there about me, from blurry photographs to wild conspiracy theories. I just want people to see the real Raymond, you know?

LF: And who is the real Raymond?

SQ: Well, I wake up, make some trader joe’s frozen waffles, and pretty much just watch TV, read, or listen to music. I’ve been getting really into The Bear on FX recently. That Jeremy Allen White is something else.

LF: You truly are just like the rest of us! As you know, 2024 is an election year. Who are you supporting?

SQ: Look, I may be a mythical creature, but I've got opinions. And no, I don't have a preference between Trump and Biden. I lean more towards a hairy libertarian vibe, but I think Kanye deserves a shot. 

LF: That's quite the stance. Some might call it controversial. Any comment on Kanye’s antisemetic remarks?

SQ: Well, I hate nazis as much as the next person, but you have to recognize that this is Kanye off his meds–he’s not thinking straight. Besides, he did make college dropout…

LF: Ah! Speaking of music, you collaborated with Tenacious D on their short-lived HBO show all the ebay back in 1999. How was that?

SQ: Ha ha! That sure was a while ago. I may not be the best drummer, but Jables [Jack Black] and Kage [Kyle Gass] were super chill. I’m honored they wrote a song about me, and I’ve caught them in concert a few times. Zero complaints from me.

LF: That’s good to hear. With all these celebrities getting “cancelled,” how do you feel you can navigate this new digital landscape?

SQ: Look, I get it. We're all living in the age of sensitivity, where one wrong move can have you banished to the shadow realm. 

But come on, folks! Can't we lighten up a bit? I mean, I've been evading cameras for decades, and now I've got to worry about a tweet? It's almost as scary as a hiker with a selfie stick. Back in my day, you could make a joke about a pine cone, and everyone would laugh. Now, you crack a joke, and suddenly you're facing a digital firing squad. "Oh no, Sasquatch, you can't joke about forest life; it's insensitive to the woodland creatures!"

LF: Ah, I see. Well, it’s been really nice talking to you. Any parting thoughts on people trying to seek you out for themselves?

SQ: Well, it's flattering, I suppose. Everyone wants a selfie with the myth—a blurry photo to show their friends. But let me tell you, chasing me through the woods is like trying to catch a shooting star - it sounds fun, but good luck getting close. Just enjoy the mystery, folks. Also, enough with the "Sasquatch calls." Do you really think I'm going to respond to a bunch of humans making weird noises in the woods? I won’t. Unless it’s people having se—

The remainder of this interview has been omitted for various reasons on advice of legal counsel

WHAT IS BOEING HIDING? 

It’s no secret that strange things are always happening. From the elimination of Pluto as a legitimate planet to the “existence” of Australia, the world is an endless web of secrets. But we here at CRAP have found the strangest occurrence of all, something that will be heard ‘round the earth—or should I say flat the earth…

Recent reports of a strange flying craft have been recorded by what the government tells us is the FAA (Federal Aviation Administration). But new uncovered documents have shown that the FAA actually stands for the Federal Alien Alliance. That’s right. What we’ve been seeing taking off from Ontario International Airport was an alien spacecraft the whole time. We know this because with our current technology, we can’t fly as fast as those aircraft are taking off. The only possible explanation, similarly to the pyramids, is that aliens are working with the government and Boeing. This also explains why so many Boeing planes are falling apart: pilots are inexperienced and untrained when it comes to alien technology.

In our documents, the FAA notes that one of the latest planes to take off from Ontario airport was the Boeing 737. This is obviously alien technology because… 

The seventh planet in our solar system was Uranus. Historically and scientifically, there has been controversy over Uranus’s name, as it was originally named George.* George is the name of a certain monkey who is very curious. And sometimes this curiosity gets him into trouble, kind of like Boeing’s espionage on Lockheed Martin. Because of their espionage, it can be concluded that they were using their access to the international space station as the primary contractor for the space station to spy on people, potentially catching the aliens off guard. That’s their job, they thought, so Boeing decided to create a deal with the aliens that they would spy on earth for the aliens, in exchange for their alien technology. 

There have also been 3 presidents since George W. Bush was in office, potentially hinting at the government’s involvement in the conspiracy. Is it possible that Boeing is using alien technology to spy on us in our homes to sell information to the United States government? Definitely!

Then, we get to the Oscar snubs. Are we to believe that actual humans would refuse to nominate Greta Gerwig for best director, or let alone Margot Robbie for best actress?! This is most likely the work of aliens, controlling my mind, and making me mark down the wrong answers. Why, though? Because it’s true. Barbie land is real, Ken is real, and no alien would understand the uniquely human message of the film. So they are distracting us. How can there be women’s rights when aliens are controlling the Academy?

To conclude, aliens are everywhere at every turn, and they’re using Boeing, the Oscars, and the FAA to spy on you. The government is in kahoots, using Boeing to sell your information. Aliens want to draw attention away from the message of the Barbie movie to hide the fact that Barbieland is real. This way, we are kept divided, arguing about the Oscars  so everyone calls stupid when you figure out there’s aliens spying on you. In my experience,  people don’t believe you even though you tell them that you’re super serious. You try to show me the proof and they still don’t believe you. It’s all there… Why don’t you see it?

*This is actually true: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uranus

HOROSCOPES

Your horoscope is very important. The stars influence every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade of the (on average) .79 centuries of your life. Don’t pay attention to any other horoscopes. They’re fake, stupid, and lame, which is not cool. And trust me, I know what’s cool. This is the only publication that truly knows the future. Take a look!

Aries: You will find your one true love. The catch is, they’re 87 and live in Slovenia.

Taurus: Oh, you know the overthinking? It doesnt stop or go away.

Gemini: Embrace duality! You'll simultaneously win and lose an argument this month, leaving everyone confused but strangely impressed.

Cancer: Walker told me I have AIDS.

Leo: There’s nothing a Leo loves more than Shakespeare! Consider reenacting Shakespearean soliloquies in the grocery store aisle. Bonus points for using produce as props.

Virgo: A word of advice: stay away from capricorns.

Libra: January 30th was the anniversary of the Beatles’ fabled rooftop concert. Please don’t climb on the roof with your guitar. It’ll end badly.

Scorpio: Get used to being confused about anything and everything that happens.

Sagittarius: If you’re not Taylor Swift please stop reading. Hi, Taylor. I’m a really big fan and I was wondering, if I could get a signed vinyl of 1989 Taylor’s Version (or maybe a copy of RepTV before it releases…) I would be over the moon!

Capricorn: You will lose your bet on the Super Bowl because the winner is, in fact, Taylor Swift. 

Aquarius: Happy birthday, I guess. It’s gonna be mid. Sorry.

Pisces: Pickles and Ice Cream. Try it, you will.

ROYAL UPDATES VOL. 4

As you are all assuredly aware, His Majesty is currently in the hospital receiving treatment for an enlarged prostate gland. On a serious note, he (and all of us at Claremont's Really Academic Paper) highly encourage all men over to be more mindful and aware of the symptoms and possible health threats that an enlarged prostate can pose. His majesty also hopes and encourages them to seek treatment if necessary. As His Majesty is unavailable at the present moment, this volume of Royal Updates will focus on Prince Andrew. Prince Andrew spent the entire month anxiously waiting for the release of the Epstein list. He would like to remind everyone that he was only there for the snorkling (editor’s note: this is not true). He also received an advance copy of C.R.A.P. However, he swiftly discarded it, as it proved too intricate for even his royal intellect to comprehend. The Prince, ever the connoisseur of refined tastes, decided to dedicate the remainder of his month to more questionable private duties. We assure you, these duties are solely focused on matters of the court and are in no way related to any of his many, many, many “entanglements.”