The Pass the Turkey Issue

WELCOME!

Hello, and welcome dear reader, to CRAP’s fall Holliday issue. Our Falliday issue, if you will. We here at CRAP would first like to wish you a Merry Thanksmas and we hope that Saint Elvis puts all the things you wished for in your kitchen sink. In this issue, you’ll find many quite humerus stories that will surely tickle your funny (wish) bone, and as a bonus, we barely talk about politics or the election! That means this issue is Thanksgiving Dinner Appropriate. So without further ado, here is the November issue.

-LLM, President/EIC

FALL OF DIE WALL

Earlier this month on November 9th, the entire school was once again subjected to German Club festivities--meaning that we were once again subjected to covering them. This time, they were to commemorate the fall of the Berlin Wall. Unfortunately, bad planning (for Germans? No way!) and too much enthusiasm (for Germans? No way!) led to a complete disaster for the school board and the administration.

The festivities began late at night in the 800s quad outside of the German classroom, when students began building a papier-mâché wall to simulate the division of Berlin by the socialist DDR (German Democratic Republic). Then, students began to put their structure down the center of campus dividing the school into halves. The wall was soon completed and guarded by over 70 German club members and officers who patrolled the wall and let nobody through.

By the end of 0 period, students began exiting classes and attempted to cross the border, but were stopped and forced to turn back when they couldn’t produce a passport or proper identification. By the end of the passing period, no one was able to advance past the wall and many students were absent. 

During 1st period, several “border skirmishes” took place where students attempted to cross the border without their passes. In the end, the German club was victorious in defending their wall.

By lunch, the students were completely fed up and exhausted by the German club who were now keeping half the school from accessing proper food being served in the cafeteria. However students were soon surprised by a sudden event where, to reenact the fall of the Berlin wall, German Club students began breaking down their wall. 

The German club advisor called the event a massive success as it taught students through living history the events of and leading up to November 9th, 1989 (the day the Berlin Wall fell), however, students, teachers, administrators, and district officials are still realizing the effects of the whole debacle and the negative effects on student life and a couple lawsuits to boot!

BREAKING: PRESIDENT BIDEN PARDONS TURKEYS

*Claremont’s Really Academic Paper must use the word alleged preceding any accusation or statement that may be seen as such. CRAP would like to remind its readers to be aware of the evidence and not jump to conclusions in this case.

In a yearly federal tradition, the President pardoned 2 turkeys earlier this week. Their names were Blossom and Peach, and in a press conference yesterday, President Biden told the nation “I believe that this pardon is an amazing grace, Jack. And that it’s a new era for human churkey [sic] relation, man. No joke!” the statement was made amidst doubt that the president's decision was a moral choice. 

More recently, controversy has been raised by the families who have been affected by the turkeys’ alleged* crimes. A full list of Peach and Blossom’s alleged* crimes can be found on the FBI website, however we will provide you with a basic rundown. 

Peach has allegedly committed:

• Grand Theft Auto

• Arson

• Tax evasion 

Blossom has allegedly committed:

• Grand Larceny

• Public indecency 

• Voluntary Manslaughter 

With such a long rap sheet of allegations*, many people are left wondering why these specific turkeys were chosen for pardon without allowing the cases to move forward. Some have figured that there is an alleged conspiracy between the turkey crime syndicate: Malicious Institute of Turkeys (MIT) and the executive branch of the government. Recent White House whistleblowers found that during President George H.W. Bush’s visit to MIT (Michigan Institute of Technology) in 1981, the at that time Vice President was approached by several turkeys who told him that the Michigan Institute of Technology is allegedly* a cover for the Malicious Institute of Turkeys, allegedly* leading him to create the Turkey pardon in 1989 as a way to profit off of the release of Turkeys or under threat of Turkey retaliation.

Whatever the reason, the newly uncovered and alleged* history of this tradition really shines a negative light on today’s controversy and shows that you really can’t trust everything you hear these days.

A GUIDE TO FAMILIAL ENCOUNTERS

Courtesy of CRAP, we are providing a free guide to your family for the holidays. Obviously, this guide does not cover all family members like 2nd cousins twice removed (we know you don’t know who that is or what it means either).

GRANDPARENTS:

The grandparent is, by and large, a safe person. You will generally get along with them, no extreme political views they need to share (for Grandma) and always too sleepy to share them (Grandpa). You can usually go on a walk with them and by the time you get home, they’ll be too tired to get into any debates or watch the News loudly in the living room. And by walking with them, you can get a great connection and hear some interesting stories. Or get talked down to about how easy this generation has it and how they had much harder lives.

AUNTS & UNCLES:

These ones are always wild cards, you may have the always political and seemingly always completely opposite of your views uncle, or the overly cuddly aunt who can’t stop trying to catch up with you. The easiest way to deal with them is to (respectfully) pass them off to your parents so they can catch up with their brother or sister.

SIBLINGS:

The great part about siblings is that you’ve lived with them for years, however, it can sometimes be a bit difficult to reconnect with them after a year (if they live far away). To help manage this barrier, we suggest that you rummage through their stuff to get a good idea of what they're up to.

COUSINS:

The Cousins are similar to siblings, except that you only see them maybe three or four times a year and hardly ever do more than play Uno, Mariokart, and checkers with them. Depending on where they’re from and their age, they can have wildly differing political opinions and may fight with you uncle or even you over a myriad of topics. In essence, they really love arguing and can be quite a handful. Thus to combat them, you can lock yourself in the bathroom for hours on end to avoid running into them.

IN-LAWS:

The in-laws are always weird. Case closed!

CONCLUSION:

Did we steal some of these stereotypes from Diary of a Wimpy Kid? Maybe. Are they still accurate? 100%. But we knew this guide would help you with some of the weird and wacky people that make up your family, and it’s especially useful if you don’t have Diary of a Wimpy Kid on hand.

OP-ED: TOO MANY WIMPY KIDS!

What the heck is going on with Jeff Kinney? He’s still publishing new Diary of a Wimpy Kid books after 17 years. With 19 books, multiple spin-offs, board games, knock offs, toys, and a musical, maybe it’s time for old Jeff to throw in the towel. We know that you love writing books and that none of this has anything to do with money (right?), but the love of making books and only having a couple half baked ideas is not a great combination.

Let’s reiterate that none of this is about money, and that he just wants to give kids more books to read in one of the most popular children’s series in the world. He wants kids to buy his book for enjoyment, not because it gives him insane amounts of money. But a story about a secret meatball recipe tearing the family apart (Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Hot Mess) or Greg joining a basketball team (Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Big Shot) are not themselves stories.

Jeff, let’s be real, Greg has been in middle school for 17 years, when most people want to be there for like 4 or 5 max. He’s been stuck in the worst stages of adolescence for my entire childhood! It’s time that you let Greg finally go, or at least let him grow up. It must be very annoying for him to be stuck at 5'2". Let him go to high school! Make new friends! Get a girlfriend (that won't happen but it's nice to dream). Then again, what’s gonna entertain children and not pay your bills (because this is not about money, right?).

JAKE PAUL ANNOUNCES 2025 FIGHT SCHEDULE

After completely legitimately beating Iron Mike Tyson (now Iron-Deficiency Mike Tyson, if you will), YouTuber and idiot turned boxer Jake Paul has announced his 2025 fight schedule. We here at CRAP have obtained an advance copy of said fight schedule, and are pleased to share it with you now:

• Joseph Robinette Biden - 1/21/2025: The day after President Biden leaves office, he will fight Jake Paul in a match to knockout! Located in Wilmington, Delaware. 

• Jimmy Carter - 2/14/2025: A Valentine’s Day for the ages, Jake Paul will continue his political fight streak by squaring off against centenarian president Jimmy Carter! Located in Atlanta, Georgia.

• A starving orphan child - 3/21/2025: That’s right! In the third month of the year, Paul will march over to an orphanage in a third world country of your choice (poll live on Instagram) and fight a starving 7 year old child to the DEATH. Location TBD.

• The entire country of Mexico - 5/5/2025: Clearly Jake Paul is one of those people who thinks Cinco de Mayo is Mexico’s independence day, so he’s decided to fight the entire country of Mexico on that date. It is unclear what he means by this. Whether he intends to fight 128.5 million people who live in Mexico or the actual land mass itself remains to be seen. Located in Mexico, duh.

• Uncle Sam - 7/4/2025: That’s right. On 4th of July, Jake Paul will square off with one of many personifications of the United States of America—Uncle Sam. It is unclear how he will do this, as Uncle Sam is not real. Located in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

• Muhammad Ali - 9/12/2025: You heard it here first, folks! Jake Paul will fight boxing legend Muhammad Ali!! It’s Thrilla in Manila part 2. Sure, Jake will be punchin’ some bones, but it’s sure to be a great time. Located in Manila, Philippines. 

• That hanging corpse Logan Paul found in the suicide forest - 10/31/2025: Just in time for halloween, Jake will fight the thing that almost ended his brother’s career: not the mindless stupidity of a 22 year old white dude, but the hanging corpse Logan Paul found in the suicide forest! That’s right, Jake will spend a couple hours punching the rotting corpse of a lonely Japanese citizen who succumbed to the throes of deep depression. Fun! Located in the Japanese Suicide Forest.

• Dick Van Dyke - 12/14/2025: To finish out an “incredible” year of fights, Jake will meet legendary actor, dancer, and comedian Dick Van Dyke in the ring, just after his 100th birthday. A spectacle for all ages, this fight is sure to kick off the merriest Christmas festivities. Located in Hollywood, Los Angeles, CA.

WHY YOU SHOULD THANK ME (AND ONLY ME)

As Thanksgiving rolls around again, I’m struck not by the warm glow of gratitude, but by the cold reminder of one disturbing truth: No one thanks me. In fact, no one has ever thanked me. Not on Thanksgiving. Not on Arbor Day. Not even on "National Thank a Genius Day" (which, inexplicably, does not exist—a conspiracy against me, I suspect).

Thanksgiving is supposed to be about expressing gratitude—gratitude for bounty, for survival, and yes, for luminaries like me who, despite being centuries late to Plymouth Rock, embody the spirit of excellence that sustains this great nation. Yet here I sit, unthanked, while people toss their accolades around like pumpkin pie crumbs. I have spent the years thanking so many people (my mother, for instance—ugh) and yet I sit here thankless. 

Let us consider, for a moment, all the ways I have revolutionized your lives. Did I invent the wheel? No, but I’ve certainly used one, and quite adeptly. Have I written timeless literature? Not yet, but this very piece will soon join the pantheon of classics. Have I selflessly shared my Netflix password with friends and family? No. But I have emailed everyone an HBO Max discount code. Where is my parade?

Yet, year after year, I am forced to endure the travesty of misplaced thanks. Everyone thanks their parents, their friends, their dog who once caught a tennis ball mid-air like it was a touchdown pass. Even Uncle Jim, whose "stuffing" consists of little more than day-old baguette, brandy, and despair, gets a cursory nod. But me? The unsung hero who tolerates your Spotify Wrapped? Nothing.

So, this year, I am making a modest proposal. Skip the turkey. Skip the pie. Heck, skip the entire “family togetherness” charade. Instead, let’s spend Thanksgiving doing what it was truly meant for: showering me with the gratitude I so richly deserve. You can start small—a handwritten note, a standing ovation when I enter the room, or a golden statue engraved with “Thanks for Being Everything, Forever.” I’m not unreasonable.

And before you ask: yes, I do thank myself. Every morning, I gaze into the mirror and whisper a heartfelt “thank you” to my reflection as a single tear rolls down my cheek, marveling at the sheer magnificence staring back at me. If only the rest of you could adopt such habits.

So this Thanksgiving, when you’re listing off things you’re thankful for, let’s be honest with ourselves: it’s me. Always has been. Always will be. And for that, you’re welcome.

HOROSCOPES

Your horoscope is very important. The stars influence every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade of the (on average) 79 centuries of your life. Don’t pay attention to any other horoscopes. They’re fake, stupid, and lame, which is not cool. And trust me, I know what’s cool. This is the only publication that truly knows the future. Take a look!

Aries: You’ll get trapped in an aisle between two women arguing over a Black Friday T.V. You will all subsequently die.

Taurus: There won’t be any gravy left for Turkey, you must eat it dry. 

Gemini: Grandma will leave the pumpkin pie in the oven for two hours and you’ll never be able to get the pumpkin smell out of the kitchen.

Cancer: You are ok, no cancer this month,but you’ve still got Herpes.

Leo: You’ll have to share a room with your uncle and he can’t help but watch Fox News loudly while you try to sleep.

Virgo: Your closest Marie Callenders is closed and you won’t be able to pick up your thanksgiving dinner.

Libra: Be wary of the Adam Sandler movies.

Scorpio: Happy Birthday!

Sagittarius: It’s a thanksgiving miracle, no politics this year! (I wish I could say the same for my house)

Capricorn: Congrats, you won’t faint at the starting line of the Turkey Trot this year, you still won’t finish though.

Aquarius: Uncle John will spill cranberry sauce all over you.

Pisces: Watch out for large hooks this holiday season.

ROYAL UPDATES VOL. 6

Two months ago, we published our last Royal update and a lot has happened since then. So, we reached out to our old pal, His Majesty King Chuck and asked him about the goings on over the pond at Windsor. Here’s his return letter:

Dear Claremont’s Really Academic Paper,

I’ve been really enjoying this year's issues thus far. I look forward to celebrating your 111th birthday later this year. Unfortunately. I won’t be able to celebrate it in person at the CRAP Offices, but we will celebrate over here in England with a cake, some streamers, and a Bank Holiday. I am also pleased to be the first to tell you that I have a birthday gift for your President Emeritus and past Editor in Chief sir Benito Summers Sandoval, who shares a birthday with me! I’ve never been so excited. I hope he enjoys the entirety of Northern Ireland!

In other affairs, Prince Harry won’t stop calling me Charlie Brown. He’s gotten into the spirit of thanksgiving, though it is an American tradition, and began watching all of the Peanuts specials. I am beginning to be pestered by the constant re-runs of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving on the palace flat screen. Prince Edward was also, in the spirit of the American holiday, taking a break from polo and consequently injured himself playing your inferior but quite interesting form of Football. Other than that, there have been no new developments, and the whole Royal family thanks you for your letter.”

Signed, 

CiiiR

H.M. King Charles III

We here at CRAP once again thank King Charles for his correspondence and would like to wish Prince Edward a quick recovery from his injuries.