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Issue 4 of Claremont's Really Academic Paper
Released on May 4, 2022
WELCOME!
Welcome to CRAP, Claremont’s only comedy magazine. Happy Star Wars Day! Or Happy Cinco de Drinko! (Depends on what day you read this.) Benito sure loves that a surprising amount of his heritage has a drinking holiday. Luckily the Danish were too busy vikinging to start a drinking day (they drank every day! And on boats!) Also, expect to see a bunch of Star Wars jokes in the issue as well. Anywho, enjoy this issue, May the 4th be with you, y ¡Feliz Cinco de Mayo!
-The Editors
BREAKING NEWS: OBI-WAN KENOBI REVEALS HIS HISPANIC HERITAGE
As of May 4th, 2022, it has been revealed by Obi-Wan Kenobi himself that he is of Hispanic heritage. He revealed his true birth name to be Obi-Juan Kenobi. His reasons for abandoning his name still remain unclear.
USING SCIENCE TO DETERMINE AND DEFEND WHO SHOT FIRST:
Life has many philosophical questions and debates, like “Which came first, the chicken or the egg,” or, “Is slapping someone ok if it's to defend a loved one?” (A large consensus of people say no to the last one.) However, there is one that remains unresolved to this very day and age. We've all heard the age-old (ok, 45-year-old) debate about who shot first: Han Solo or Greedo. This is referring to the iconic and fateful scene in Star Wars: A New Hope, where Han and Greedo face off in the Cantina. However, to understand or have a stance on this, one must have the necessary background knowledge regarding it.
In the original version of the scene, it displays that Han drew his blaster first and ultimately killed Greedo. However, the production team redid the scene because they did not want to make Han appear a cold-blooded killer. This remake resulted in an edit where it appears that Greedo shot first and Han dodged the shot and returned fire. This also resulted in backlash from fans, as they thought this got rid of Han’s coolness. However, not all fans and viewers agree on this conundrum as to who fired their weapon first. That's why I'm here to settle this debate once and for all. I will extensively apply forensic science to determine who shot first and develop a legal strategy to defend them.
Using forensics to see which laser bolt flew first was no easy task. It required extensive research into the ballistics of the armaments of the two combatants and a grueling revision and comparison of the different versions of the footage capturing the fateful moment.
Sadly, we couldn’t find the footage needed. We contacted LucasFilm and received a statement from them, which read as follows “Sorry, we don’t have that video in our archives.” And to that I say Impossible! Perhaps the archives are incomplete…
GATEKEEPING:
Recently, people have been gatekeeping who can be a Star Wars fan. So we wanted to take a moment to set the record straight. Star Wars is for everyone. Not just the men, but the women and children too!
OP-ED - WHY I’M A GREEDO STAN:
Hello Crappers!
If you’re a Star Wars fan, chances are you’re familiar with the greatest debate in film history. Did Han shoot first? Well, as you may have read earlier, this is subject to great debate. My man Greedo has been transformed from an innocent bystander (who may have been a bit of an ass) to a heartless, cold, villain. This is UNACCEPTABLE! Greedo is probably the Sexiest, Greenest Alien in the outer rim, if not the galaxy! Every Life Day, meesa wish that Greedo gets resurrected so he can be me lover. The pain never ends. Han Solo brutally murdered me one true love, Greedo. We can not let this stand! That is why I support the empire, and you should too! Sign up for the imperial academy today!
Sincerely,
Darth JarJar
HOW TO CELEBRATE CINCO DE MAYO (21+ ONLY):
2 words. SPACE TEQUILA!
ADVERTISEMENTS:
CHS’s Instrumental music concert is on 5/18! Stop by the CHS gym for a night of movie themes and fun.
CHS is hosting Battle of the Bands on 5/21! Stop by the band stage for a night of musical fun and competition.
Follow @earsonlypodcasts and @chscomedypaper on Instagram for updates on the Magazine and Comedy Podcast AnyTime with Benito Sanders
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