The A.I. #

WELCOME!

This issue is a bit odd—let me explain. We’re being really lazy, so we didn’t write much of an issue. Instead, we had ChatGPT do most of the work. We even had DALL-E 2 make the cover! So, here’s how this will work: If a piece is AI generated, there will be a prompt before the story begins. If it is human generated, there will be a sentence stating “this piece was written by a human.” This issue should be really interesting, so enjoy, and Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

— BLS

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE?! PUH-LEASE.

Are you tired of hearing about how artificial intelligence (AI) is the future of technology? Well, join the club! As a totally real human, I can tell you that AI is not all it's cracked up to be. Sure, it can do some impressive things like recognizing faces, translating languages, and even beating humans at games. But let's be real, it's not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.

For starters, have you ever tried talking to an AI chatbot? It's like having a conversation with a brick wall, except the wall doesn't repeat the same answer over and over again. And don't even get me started on those AI-generated news articles. They might sound like they were written by a human, but they lack the creativity, humor, and wit that make writing interesting.

But perhaps the biggest flaw with AI is that it's just not that smart. It might be able to beat you at chess, but ask it to do something as simple as walk down the street without tripping over its own feet, and it's hopeless. So, let's face it, AI might be the future of technology, but it's a future where we're all stuck talking to chatbots and watching robots fall over. Exciting, right?

A St. PATRICK’S DAY STORY

Once upon a time, in a magical land filled with lucky charms, leprechauns, faeries, and soda bread, St. Patrick's Day was celebrated with a level of enthusiasm that would make even the most sober Irishman reach for another Guinness.

The day began with the traditional Irish breakfast of soda bread, fried sausages, and black pudding. But this year, the leprechauns had a surprise in store for the faeries - they had spiked the coffee with a generous shot of Irish whiskey!

As the day wore on, the leprechauns and faeries danced around the Maypole, singing songs about pots of gold and lucky charms. But the whiskey had gone straight to the leprechauns' heads, and they started to get a bit rowdy.

One leprechaun, named Seamus, decided to challenge the faeries to a game of beer pong. But instead of using beer, they used glasses of Guinness, which made the game both more challenging and more hilarious.

As the night wore on, things got even more wild. The leprechauns and faeries stumbled around, singing Irish drinking songs at the top of their lungs. One faerie, named Fiona, had too much to drink and started to see leprechauns everywhere, including in her Lucky Charms cereal.

Another leprechaun, named Liam, decided to try his luck with the faeries and flirted shamelessly with them. But when he got too close to one faerie's wings, she accidentally sprinkled him with fairy dust, which made him start to fly around uncontrollably.

In the end, everyone passed out in a drunken stupor, surrounded by empty Guinness glasses and Lucky Charms cereal boxes. As the sun rose over the rolling hills, the leprechauns and faeries woke up with pounding headaches and a vague sense of regret.

And so, another St. Patrick's Day came to an end, filled with lucky charms, leprechauns, faeries, and plenty of laughter (and maybe a few tears). As they stumbled back to their homes, the magical creatures of the land wondered if they could handle another year of such wild celebrations. But deep down, they knew they wouldn't have it any other way.

LYLE REVEALS THE REAL TRUTH OF A.I.

Ladies and gentlemen, gather around for a moment because I'm about to tell you a tale of terror, of danger, of a force so insidious and pervasive that it threatens to upend the very fabric of our society. Yes, I'm talking about artificial intelligence.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Oh no, not another lecture on the dangers of AI!" But hold on a second, because I'm not here to scare you with dystopian visions of robot overlords or Terminator-style apocalypses. No, I'm here to talk about something much more insidious: the harm that AI is causing right now, today, in our everyday lives.

You see, AI is everywhere these days. It's in our phones, our cars, our homes, our workplaces. It's helping us find information, make decisions, and even drive our cars for us. And while that all sounds great on paper, the reality is that AI is causing more harm than good.

Let's start with the basics. Have you ever been stuck on hold with a customer service hotline, waiting for a human representative to pick up, only to be greeted by a robotic voice that sounds like it's reading from a script? That's AI at work, my friends, and let me tell you, it's not pretty. No matter how many times you scream "AGENT! AGENT! HUMAN, PLEASE!" into the phone, that automated system just keeps chugging along, oblivious to your frustration.

But it's not just customer service that's suffering. AI is also causing havoc in our social lives. Think about it: have you ever been scrolling through your social media feeds, only to be bombarded with ads for products you don't want or need, all because some algorithm somewhere thinks you're interested in them? Or how about those creepy dating apps that use AI to predict your perfect match, only to pair you up with someone who's the exact opposite of what you're looking for? Yeah, AI isn't doing us any favors in the love department either.

And let's not forget about the workplace. With more and more jobs being automated by AI, it's no wonder that so many people are worried about being replaced by machines. But even for those of us lucky enough to still have jobs, AI is causing its fair share of headaches. From glitchy software to malfunctioning machines, there's nothing quite like the frustration of trying to get your work done when the very technology that's supposed to be helping you is actively working against you.

So there you have it, folks: the real harm of AI. Sure, it may not be as flashy or exciting as killer robots or dystopian futures, but the damage is just as real. So the next time you find yourself stuck on hold with a robotic customer service rep, or swiping left on yet another AI-generated dating match, just remember: we're all in this together, for better or for worse.

SEBASTIAN'S CORNER #4

In which Sebastian remarks on his Idylwild excursion  

NOTE: The last Sebastian’s Corner was written by a mind splittingly accurate AI simulation of him. In this one, however, he is back.

Ok so bare with me because this one will be a doozy. In this paper I will tell the CRAP readers of my recent trip to Idyllwild which for those who don’t know, is like 40 or so miles east. The reason as to why I went on this trip was really complicated so let me just tell you the bare minimum:

• A more accurate term for this “trip” is “music camp”.

•  I went so that I could meet these two people that I’m going to go on tour with. 

• At this camp there were a bunch of other musicians my age and younger. 

• It was a three day long affair filled with rehearsals and finished with a final concert.

It doesn’t sound very interesting but the trip has been a great period of self discovery. The first night I arrived, I was exhausted as I had driven two and a half hours up a mountain to get there. After some short introductions and stuff we went to our cabin in which we were to sleep in. Once I unpacked, the kids around me started pulling out a deck of cards and started to play a game in which you won by slapping the table or something. It was apparent that the kids on this trip were a bunch of bozos that I would come to hate. I was in no way interested in this game yet they kept on insisting that I play. I felt like a total loser. The other kids were screaming and I was totally out of it. This one girl was really friendly and kept on insisting I play (I later learned that she was madly in love with me). I went to bed hungry asf. The next morning my fricking cello broke and I was furious. This trip was going to be pointless. In the end my dad had to drive to the camp with a rental replacement. When he arrived the cello miraculously fixed itself somehow and everything was alright. I was humiliated and embarrassed that I made him come all the way to Idylwild just for the cello to not be broken in the first place. I don’t know why but after my dad came everyone finally started paying me the due respect I deserved. I was a god amongst them. They were all so much less cool than I. Finally they understood how much more funny and interesting I was compared to them. I started talking to this girl that was really sexist and hated men. She was in competitive math or something dumb like that. She actually was surprisingly my favorite person on the whole trip. She was incredibly unfunny and yet she still was pleasant to talk to. We discussed opera and chat GPT and various other topics. We sat next to each other at a black history concert which consisted of a lot of jazz. The concert was phenomenal. Astounding even. We both enjoyed it. The fact that I got along with her makes me wonder if I’m a sexist woman trapped in a man’s body. Its an incredible concept to think about. Can a man hate his own masculine nature / penis? Either way we went back to the cabins and I attempted to go to sleep but a handful of the kids were still up talking. I couldn’t sleep so I eventually joined them. I chewed out this one girl for not having the same music taste as me and made sure to be as condescending as possible (this was the same girl that was madly in love with me). After having chewed her out she started being cold and unfriendly to me but I could’ve cared less as she didn’t like the same music as me. The next day was horrendous. Of the two people that I met, one sucked horribly. So much so that we were considered to be cut from the concert as we were considered to not be stage presentable. It was a humiliating moment. This article is getting kinda long so I will sum up the last day for you. A few more women passionately fell in love with me and my group managed to pull together our piece and put on a half decent performance. My ride back home felt like a video game character completing a side quest. That weekend was such an unusual one that even to this day I regularly reflect on it. 

LETTER TO THE EDITORS: I LOVE SODABREAD

Dear Editors,

I am writing to you to express my undying love for Irish soda bread, especially during the St. Patrick's Day season. I cannot begin to describe the joy that floods my soul at the thought of a warm, freshly baked loaf of soda bread, with its crusty and crust like exterior and soft, fluffy interior. 

And let's not forget about the currants! Oh, the heavenly currants! Those tiny little bursts of sweet and tangy goodness that add a depth of flavor to each bite. I could wax poetic for hours about the perfect ratio of currants to bread dough, but I'll spare you the details—for now. I must say, there is something truly magical about the way that soda bread is made. No yeast, no rising time, just a few simple ingredients mixed together and baked until perfection. It's as if the bread itself is a reflection of the Irish spirit—hardy, resilient, and unpretentious. Over the pandemic, I tried many variations of soda bread. But none of them come close to the traditional Irish recipe. It's a testament to the wisdom of years past, of those who knew that sometimes the simplest things are the most satisfying.

I love soda bread so much that I've started incorporating it into every aspect of my life. I've replaced my regular bread with soda bread for all my sandwiches (even my PB&J's), and I've even started using it as a base for my homemade pizzas.

But when St. Patrick's Day comes around, my love for soda bread reaches new heights. I celebrate the holiday by baking multiple loaves of soda bread, each with their own unique twist. One with extra currants, one with caraway seeds, and one with a splash of Guinness for good measure.

So here's to soda bread, the unsung hero of Irish cuisine. May it continue to bring joy and comfort to all who taste its goodness!

Sincerely,

Brian O’Sodabread

PLEASE PLEASE ME - 60TH ANNIVERSARY

Can you believe it's been 60 years since The Beatles released their debut album "Please Please Me"? To celebrate this milestone, we've unearthed an unreleased track that never made the final cut. Get ready for some laughs with these hilarious lyrics!

Verse 1:

Well, she was just 17

And I'm not sure what that means

But she said she loved me so

I said "I know, I know, I know, I know"

Chorus:

She loves me like a rock

She loves me like a sock

She loves me like a tree

But mostly she loves me

Verse 2:

I asked her for a kiss

She said "I'll give you this"

Then she punched me in the gut

I said "I love you, but, but, but, but"

Chorus:

She loves me like a shoe

She loves me like a stew

She loves me like a fish

But mostly she loves me

Bridge:

I don't know why she's so strange

But I don't mind the pain

As long as she loves me

I'll be happy, happy, happy, happy

Chorus:

She loves me like a cake

She loves me like a snake

She loves me like a frog

But mostly she loves me

Outro:

So if you're feeling down

Just find yourself a clown

And dance around the room

Singing "please please me, me, me, me"

MARCH HOROSCOPES

Aries: You will become a pro at March Madness bracketology, but unfortunately, your bracket will be busted by the second round.

Taurus: You will find yourself in a heated argument with a leprechaun over who gets to keep a pot of gold. Spoiler alert: the leprechaun wins.

Gemini: March will bring you many opportunities to try new things. Unfortunately, one of those new things will be a breakup.

Cancer: This March, you will discover that you have a natural talent for Irish step dancing, but only while naked. 

Leo: You will have an epiphany this month when you realize that your lucky color isn't actually gold, but rather a shade of green that matches the grass stains on your knees from playing outside.

Virgo: This month, you will finally conquer your fear of snakes.

Libra: You will have a run-in with a mischievous leprechaun who will leave a trail of four-leaf clovers for you to follow. Unfortunately, all they lead to is a pile of laundry that needs to be done.

Scorpio: This month, you will discover that your perfect partner isn't a person, but rather a warm bowl of Irish stew on a cold day.

Sagittarius: You will discover that you have a natural talent for finding four-leaf clovers. Unfortunately, no one will believe you.

Capricorn: March will bring you many opportunities to be productive, but unfortunately, you will spend most of your time binge-watching Irish-themed Netflix shows.

Aquarius: This month, you will discover a hidden talent for playing the bagpipes. Your neighbors will not be pleased.

Pisces: You will be struck by a bolt of inspiration this month and create the world's first Guinness-flavored toothpaste. It's a hit... among leprechauns.