The Shipwreck Issue

WELCOME!

Well, we did it. The school year is officially over! This is a really special issue. We’re going to be recapping our favorite moments of the school year, and saying goodbye to all the seniors (but unlike the wolfpacket, we won't use a whole freaking issue). Now, I’m sure some of you are wondering “hey Benito and Harith, why did you title this issue The Shipwreck Issue?” Well, that’s because if this year is anything, it was like a shipwreck. Think of this year like the Titanic. No, not the movie, the boat. This year was supposed to be a grand return to normalcy, full of victories for CHS and lots of fun. Instead, it was eh. Have a great summer!

-The Editors

GOODBYE CLASS OF 2022!

It’s that time of year. You’ve just turned in your last book, got your cap and gown, and successfully won a court case on the murder of John Lennon (looking at you, Sean). We’ve all been there–or will be eventually. You’re done with high school now! For most of you, that probably means going to college (if not, that's totally cool too!). Whether you’re going to Citrus or Mt. SAC, a Cal-State or CSU, or those fancy schools (think the magnificent Harvard, the glorious Yale, the beautiful Stanford and also Cornell I guess), we know you’ll do great. Probably. But let’s take a moment to reflect. You somehow managed to survive a global pandemic, a stressful presidential election, and probably some other stuff too. And now you’re done! You can finally call Dr. O’Connor Brett! That’s crazy! And tomorrow, as you walk up to receive your diploma, just remember this: At least you had a graduation this year. Have fun!

OP-ED: I ACTUALLY LIKED BLOCK SCHEDULE 

Dear CRAP,

I’m one of those “intelligent” “people” who enjoyed having classes that lasted longer than a flight from Los Angeles to Portland. Let me explain why. 

I like block period because I’m a heartless, cold blooded murderer. Just kidding. That was one time. It probably won’t happen again. But block schedule was cool! That’s why I liked it. I mean, come on. It even sounds cool.Anywho, I would really like it if Doc Oc would bring back block schedule, or even make it all block schedule.

Sincerely, 

Block Lover Probably a jerk.

NOT SO BREAKING NEWS:

Due to popular demand, C.R.A.P. will be changing its name to the Claremont Unified National Telegraph for this issue, and this issue only. You’re welcome, Reggie.

HOW TO CELEBRATE SUMMER AGAIN:

Hey! Benito here. I’d like to start off with a disclaimer. My name is not Summer. You know who you are… Now, back to the article: School’s out and the pandemic is over! You've got the entire summer to do anything you want—unless you have summer school. Ha. Anywho, it’s been a while since we’ve had a proper summer, so I’m going to go through the ropes and remind you how to spend your summer. Let’s get started. 

1. Mexico. We all love it. And really, there’s no better place for an exotic summer destination! Take the whole family. It’s sure to be fun for your kids! Bonus points if the trip brings back horrible regrets from years past.

2. We’ll cover Fourth of July in our next issue, so stay tuned for that. Writing this was also an excuse to not come up with something more creative.

3. Working. It may be boring, but

4. Just don’t do anything! It’s the method of choice for people such as myself, Dr. O’Connor and President Joe Biden.

Hope these tips help! 

FLASHBACK: CHEMISTRY LOVE AFFAIR

It’s that time of year… If you didn’t know, about 10 years ago, some Mr. Dingwall’s students wrote a song about him. It surfaces at least once a year, and it’s actually not bad! Take a listen at the link below:  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJ8ON9IQjoU

SHOUTOUTS

We have some reader-submitted shoutouts! Enjoy!

• We’d like to congratulate Edgar, Ephram and Max on their new positions as CHS Marching Band Drum Majors! Good luck next year!

• Sean and Robbie, have fun next year. Remember, no matter how bad it is, it can’t be as bad as that slideshow.

• Class of '23, have fun in your last year of High School! 

• Class of '24, you're screwed!

• Class of '26, when’s the appropriate time to start making fun of you?

A POEM FOR THE SENIORS:

We felt the need to upstage the Wolfpacket's poem dedicated to the Class of '22, so here it is:

One day at a dress shop,

I met a man selling parrots,

For money he wanted to swap,

But I really wanted some carrots.

"Got any carrots?" asked I.

"For that's how I'll spend my money."

"No carrots here!" said the guy.

He seemed to find it quite funny.

So down to the village I decided to go,

In search of the carrots I craved.

The winds it did eerily blow.

But I felt that the day could be saved.

There were stalls selling pasties,

Marbles in many shades.

There were even stalls selling pastis

People were scattered from many trades

I was greeted by a peculiar guy,

He seemed to be rather fast

I couldn't help thinking he might be quite sly.

I wondered if he was at all unsurpassed.

Before I could open my mouth,

He shouted, "For you, I have some carrots!"

I headed towards him, to the south,

Past some rings and chips.

"But how did you know?" I asked,

"Do you want them or not?" he did say.

Silently, the carrots he passed.

Then vanished before I could pay.

When I tell this tale

People ask me "Who?"

I don't know

But that jerk was probably from the class of 2022.

This poem was written by an AI. None of us are that creative.