The Sumer Issue

WELCOME!

Well, we did it. Another year is finally done. Dr. Mitchell is settling in, unpopular curriculum changes are still unpopular, and everyone’s still getting used to seeing Mr. Easton with a beard. Let’s be honest: this year was ok. We’ve seen better. But next year is going to be weird. Really, really weird. This is our fourth summer issue, so we know a thing or two because we’ve seen a thing or two. Freshmen are going to be born in the 2010s now! Gen Alpha is here! It’s scary!! So instead of focusing on the future, or even the recent past, we’re going to cope with inevitable change by focusing on a group of people from about 6,000 years ago. That’s right, this isn’t our “summer” issue, it’s our “Sumer” issue. Ancient Sumer, here we come!! Also, thanks for reading us for another year and all that, your support is awesome.

-Editorial Board

A SCHOOL YEAR FOR THE HISTORY BOOKS

It’s that time of year. You’ve just turned in your last essay, got your yearbook, and served your last detention. We’ve all been there–or will be eventually. You’re done with another year! For most of you, that probably means scrolling on your phone until late August. For the class of 2025, that might mean going to college (if not, that's totally cool too!). Whether you’re going to a community college, a CSU/UC or out of state to those fancy schools (think the magnificent MIT, the glorious Yale, and also Harvard I guess), you have a lot to be proud of. In a rare moment of sincerity, you guys are a pretty cool group of people, and it's been really fun going to high school with you. We’re going to talk about you guys more throughout this issue, so we’re going to shift topics before we start ugly crying.

I think we can all agree that, looking back, this year was a year for the history books. Like every year, the same major stuff happened. Homecoming, Christmas, Spring Break, Prom, and finals. There were some other things that happened, like wall-to-wall MYP program stuff and some other very weird administrative changes nobody really likes, but I honestly can’t remember much. Overall, I’d call this a fairly middle of the road year, which kinda makes sense when you think about it. On a global scale, things have been absolutely bonkers, which means a nice middle of the road year might actually be a pretty nice thing to have. So maybe this year doesn’t get a huge spot in the history books, but it definitely gets a footnote. Maybe two.

SUMER, 2025

Summer this, summer that! All everyone is talking about right now is summer! It seems like everyone and their mother is going to exotic, far away places like Athens, Bangkok, or Sarasota, Florida. It’s crazy! People just go to these places for vacation. Paris, London, Omaha, there’s no end to the luxury. Oh, what’s that? Where am I going for summer? Well, I’m going to spend Summer in Sumer. That’s right: Sumer, the ancient Mesopotamian civilization located between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers. Where Sargon and his armies in their chariots have rolled! 

Some friends have asked, “Wait… aren’t you just going to, like, Iraq?” To which I say: “No, you Philistine.” (Which is also an ancient people, and frankly, they should not be throwing stones.) No, I’m not going to Iraq. I’m going to Sumer, as it once was. Bustling markets, booming agriculture, hot new laws from Hammurabi—even though technically that’s Babylon but let’s not get bogged down in details while I’m bargaining for goats. Everything gets conquered by Akkadians anyways!

Of course, I’ve been brushing up before my trip. I’ve got a brand new AAA guidebook that covers all the major temple complexes, and I’ve listened to Mr. Nicky’s Ancient Mesopotamia Song like six times. I’ll be staying in a Ziggurat with my own concubines! My itinerary is, as the kids say, Goated. And not just because I’ll be sacrificing three goats via bloodletting at the Temple of Marduk. As I’m sure you know, no trip to the cradle of civilization is complete without a trip to Ea Nasir’s copper shop, where I plan to berate the man himself for selling subpar copper ingots, just as Anu the Sky Father intended. 

So, while you spend your summer doing whatever you normies do, just know that I’ll be spending Summer in Sumer. I’m not so lame now, am I?

SOME THOUGHTS FROM ANU, THE SKY FATHER, KING OF ALL GODS

Hi. My name is 𒀭, or Anu, the Sky Father, King of All Gods. You probably haven’t heard of me, but I’m gonna let that slide, seeing as I haven’t been worshipped on a major level in a couple thousand years. However, as the very first supreme deity to ever exist in the universe, I’ve come back here today to give you guys some notes. Here they are:

1. America, you guys really need to get this whole Trump thing under control. Just deport him to El Salvador or something, I dunno.

2. CHS, I don’t know how I feel about wall-to-wall MYP for students. I think there should be Honors and regular track courses too. This is like tried and tested, ok? Don’t go screwing with my system. Even in Sumer we didn’t force kids to do MYP–we always had a regular track course option!

3. Elvis made the best sandwich ever. Everyone should eat those more.

4. TV Shows are coming out on super inconsistent schedules. I don’t want to wait 2 years just to get 6 half baked hour long episodes. I want 20 episodes of a show every season like clockwork. Stranger Things is such a big offender here. I don’t want to see a grown man playing 15 year old Will Byers. It’s not believable at all! These episodes and seasons come out so far apart from each other that I barely even remember the story, let alone care!

5. I’m quite fond of the rizzler. Put him in more stuff.

6. Conan O’Brien might be one of the funniest guys you’ve got. Put him in more stuff too. He’s fun! Plus, he might be the only ginger with a soul.

7. I’m stepping in with divine intervention for CHS Football. They’ll win more games next year, I promise!

8. Congrats on graduating, CHS Class of 2025!

HOROSCOPES FOR THE SUMMER SUMER

Your horoscope is very important. The stars influence every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade of the (on average) 0.79 centuries of your life. Don’t pay attention to any other horoscopes. They’re fake, stupid, and lame, which is not cool. And trust me, I know what’s cool. This is the only publication that truly knows the future. Take a look!

Aries: If you step outside without sunscreen this summer, you WILL spontaneously combust.

Taurus: All your dreams will come true. Not for you, but for someone you kinda know and follow causally on Instagram.

Gemini: Happy Birthday! Nothing too bad will happen!

Cancer: You’ll have a nice, relaxing, and healthy summer!

Leo: You will die.

Virgo: Virgo? More like virgin. Gottem lol.

Libra: This summer, your love life will be full of mixed signals. Have fun with that lol.

Scorpio: Your summer will last from approximately September 20th to September 22nd.

Sagittarius: If you eat a watermelon this summer, you will travel back in time to Ancient Sumer! We don’t know how or why, we just know it’ll happen. No idea how you get back though.

Capricorn: This summer will bring you great wealth. But not material wealth, or emotional wealth, or the wealth of intelligence… you’ll end up with a lot of Jolly Ranchers. So, wealth in Jolly Ranchers, I guess. But mostly the watermelon ones, which nobody really likes anyways. 

Pisces: Honestly, I ran out of ideas. Enjoy summer break!

AN IMPORTANT AND PRETTY COOL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM CHUCKLETOWN MEDIA

Hello! In the upcoming school year, C.R.A.P. will be undergoing some changes and restructuring. Our president, Lyle, has been named head of the Wolfpacket Satire page! What this means for the future of this paper is, as of yet, not very clear. But, we think you’ll be able to see some of our stuff in print, and some Wolfpacket writers contributing to our online magazine. More importantly, though, this means that Benito and Harith’s master plan has now been completed. Their legacy at the school is cemented, and their creation (us) has now conquered its sole competitor created specifically to compete with it! They have emerged victorious! As such, this is likely the last issue they will supervise indirectly. Effective August 1, 2025, Benito and Harith will resign from their Executive Editor and Editor Emeritus positions and spin off C.R.A.P. from Chuckletown Media to the Wolfpacket, never again to write or organize or supervise for C.R.A.P. on even an occasional basis. This will coincide with a compilation volume of all their work on C.R.A.P. which will be released on the same day. Benito and Harith would like to thank everyone for reading their creation, and wish the best of luck to Lyle and the Wolfpacket as they assume complete and full control of the magazine for the future.

END OF THE YEAR SHOUTOUTS

There are, of course, people we like to thank every year. Some of them are seniors, some of them are groups of people, and one of them is a government agency. Regardless, think of these as end of year “Yearbook” type messages. 

Benito & Harith: Thanks for helping us with the magazine occasionally, even though you already graduated. We really appreciate it!

Finn Lackey: Thanks for writing the occasional really funny piece for us. Mark Twain would be mildly impressed. Congrats on graduating!

Class of 2026: What do you mean you guys are seniors now?!?! You’re supposed to be children! You weren’t even in high school when this magazine started!!!

Class of 2027: You should also be children! Y’all being juniors feels very weird to us, and probably weirder to you.

Class of 2029: Skibidi rizz 67 67? We don’t know how to communicate with you, and the fact that you’re gen alpha scares us so much

Graduating Seniors: See the next article please!

You, the Reader: We can't thank you enough for supporting us all these years. You are THE BEST!

A POEM FOR THE CLASS OF 2025

Years ago, we wrote a poem about the Class of 2022. It kind of sucked, but we tried again with the Class of 2023. It was OK. In 2024, we wrote another one, and it was marginally better. That leads us here, where we've decided to try it once more. It should be decent this time. Please enjoy, Class of 2025!

Class of twenty twenty five, 

You guys were kind of mid.

Some of you are awesome,

While others were outdid.

You came in during chaos,

With masks upon your faces,

And left us four years later,

Not knowing how to tie shoelaces!

You stormed the halls in Crocs and socks,

In sweatpants and in shame,

And half of you were chronically late,

Yet somehow dodged the blame.

You Snapchatted in class,

And called it “study time.”

You wrote whole essays with ChatGPT—

(Which, frankly, is a crime.)

Regardless, I guess you did cool things,

At least a little piece.

How some of you are leaving single

Mystifies me to say the least!

So raise your phones and take a pic,

You’ve somehow all survived.

Congrats, good luck, and please don’t trip—

Class of twenty twenty five.

Thank you and congrats, seniors! Make us proud. Or don't. We don't really care. Don't die though.