The Thank God It's Summer #

WELCOME!

Well, the school year is finally over! It sure has been a year. Dr. O’Connor is retiring, seniors are leaving (again), and the weather is a nice warm 75º. Why is the weather 75º? It’s June for Christ’s sake. And since it’s June… seniors, you’re done! Savor it. Go to Disneyland once or twice (or 3 times). For all underclassmen, we have two words of advice: Don’t die. We’ve heard it sucks. Also, maybe turn in your work on time. 

This year was fun. We want to make that abundantly clear. But like all good things, it starts to go stale after a while. And this year has been stale for a long time. That means that in this issue, you’ll sense a significant amount of longing for the year to just be over already. Because, as we mentioned before, this year has gone on too long.

But apart from all of this introductory nonsense, we would like to congratulate you on completing another year of school. We strongly recommend that you take these 2 months to improve yourself (start by reading this magazine) and have a great summer!

-BLS & HN

P.S. If you want to write for us, go to this link and apply. It’s never a bad time! https://forms.gle/JihmC9rnPze2J67f7

GOODBYE CLASS OF 2023!

It’s that time of year. You’ve just turned in your last book, got your cap and gown, and served your last detention. We’ve all been there–or will be eventually. You’re done with high school! For most of you, that probably means going to college (if not, that's totally cool too!). Whether you’re going to a community college, a CSU/UC or out of state to those fancy schools (think the magnificent MIT, the glorious Yale, and also Harvard I guess), you have a lot to be proud of. In a rare moment of sincerity, you guys are a pretty cool group of people, and it's been really fun going to high school with you. We’re going to talk about you guys more throughout this issue, so we’re going to end it here before we start ugly crying. 

THANK GOD IT’S SUMMER!

In the past, summer hasn't been my favorite season. I usually prefer fall, winter, or a nice garlic salt. This year, however, something’s different. I can’t quite place it, but I know it’s there. Don’t get me wrong, this year has been incredibly fun and exciting, but I just need a freaking break. Summer is when I can eat an entire box of Outshine raspberry chocolate popsicles without shame. I can sit out by the pool and read 50 Shades of Grey (it’s a literary masterpiece, OK?). I can post pictures of last year’s family vacation to Hawaii and pass them off as this year because I’m not going anywhere important. I can take a break from school work to do summer school econ work instead because let's be honest, nothing screams fun like crunching numbers and studying supply and demand curves under the scorching sun. It’ll be a really fun time. 

I don't think I’ve appreciated summer for all its worth, so that's what I intend to do. I’m going to live every day to the fullest, which I can do because the days are a little bit longer. I’ll actually go to the gym, and reach my goal of benching more than just the bar. Maybe I’ll even write a book—a fan fiction sequel to 50 Shades of Grey, of course. I have lofty goals, but I’ll do my best.

In short, my perspective on summer has shifted completely. I've realized that summer is not just about societal expectations or achieving that "sun-kissed glow" (which, let's face it, often ends up being a sunburned lobster look). No, summer is about embracing the absurdity of life and finding joy in the simplest of pleasures.

So this summer, I invite you all to join me in celebrating the unconventional, the unapologetic, and the utterly hot—hot relating to temperature, that is. Let's create our own summer narrative, filled with laughter, relaxation, and summer school homework. And who knows, maybe by the end of it all, we'll have discovered that the true spirit of summer lies not in the heat, but in the joy we find in embracing life's quirks and absurdities. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a box of popsicles and a questionable book idea waiting for me. It's time to dive headfirst into my version of summer bliss.

JUNIORITIS (SEBASTIAN’S CORNER #5)

Junioritis (noun) (US, humorous, rare) A tendency of juniors in high school to slack off as if they were seniors with senioritis. From junior +‎ -itis, on the pattern of senioritis. 

Juniors are basically Seniors 

Seniors are done with school 

Seniors are going to college 

Juniors are basically going to college 

Seniors have nothing to do in class

Juniors are in the same classes as seniors 

Juniors have equally as little to do

Seniors are celebrated for graduating  

Juniors are restless

Seniors are tired 

Seniors need rest

Juniors do not 

Seniors want to hold on to childhood

Juniors want to escape it 

Juniors want to grow up 

Seniors want to stay young  

Seniors want nostalgia 

Seniors want to remember 

Juniors want sex 

Juniors want drugs 

The last week of school is almost over. It drives home the argument that public school is a form of babysitting. Students are told to sit in class and “work” despite having no assignments to work on. Things are about ready to be wrapped up and yet they aren’t. Instead they are dragged on in the same 56 minute periods that have always trapped students. For the seniors of CHS, it is bearable. They understand the magnitude of moving on and are already starting to miss their old life. 

Many juniors find themselves in classes of mostly seniors and cannot help but disassociate from reality. All around them they see people that have fully developed their wings and are ready to leave their nest. To them, nothing matters. Not finals. Not projects. Not attendance. As a senior, there are no genuine consequences of not caring. Where does the Junior come in? The junior is more eager to leave than the senior. They crave freedom more than the seniors. They get hooked on the idea of a lack of consequences. They can’t help but believe in a truth that doesn’t apply to them. Those 56 minute periods in which the teacher just sits on their phone becomes more and more unbearable. 

Eventually, the student goes mad. And that is where I am at right now. I have never felt more tempted to just never return to class. Every period of the day is just a work day for projects that have already been completed. Who these work periods benefit, I couldn’t tell you. What I can tell you is that the only thing worse than a boring day is a pointless day. 

DR. BRETT O’CONNOR

The following song is a parody of Jack Black’s hit song Peaches, from the Super Mario Movie. We wrote it in April, but we figured we’d use it for this issue. Enjoy!

This song goes out to Claremont High School’s one and only: Dr. Brett O’Connor

Brett, You’re so cool!

But you’re retiring from Claremont high school

Brett, understand

We’re gonna love you till the very end

Doctor doctor doctor Brett O’Connor

Doctor doctor doctor Brett O’Connor

I lo-ove you (oh)

Doctor doctor doctor Brett O’Connor

Doctor doctor doctor Brett O’Connor

I lo-ove you (oh)

Dr. Mitchell, Ms. Ly and Ms. Deligio too

None of them will ever ever replace you (ooh)

Doctor O-C, after your final work hour

You’ll all-ways be ours

Doctor doctor doctor Brett O’Connor

Doctor doctor doctor Brett O’Connor

I lo-ove you (oh)

Doctor doctor doctor Brett O’Connor

Doctor doctor doctor Brett O’Connor

I lo-ove you (oh)

Doctor! Doctor O’Connor! (O-o-Oh…)

SELF IMPROVEMENT

“Thank god it’s summer,” a title that conveys a sense of freedom from class and a new age (well, until September). Since we often stray far from our roots by the end of the year, we must focus on the mindset that we had going into this year, and retain it through the summer and into next year. That mindset being, “How do I make this year only about me?” 

That’s right dear readers, you could try to convince yourself “that’s not me, I go into the school year thinking about how great it’s going to be!” But alas, that is a false belief, whether your belief is born through malice or ignorance is not important, what’s important is retaining that belief and becoming the biggest, baddest, student at the school!

Ok, so we’ve gone over what we need to retain, now we need to go over how to retain it, so I have gone through the trouble of developing a few practices that will keep you at the center of attention, while also making people feel bad about themselves!

1. Meditation! I often find myself thinking “man I wish that I could just sit on the floor and think about myself,” well meditation is the answer to that question! Pro tip, I often find that meditation is best when you listen to a recording of your voice touching on how you are the best and everyone around you are morons!

2.  Going on a long summer trip to “find yourself” then bringing it up in literally every single conversation you have with anyone, most importantly, you must always bring up your trip in conversations about completely different topics! Oh, your friends are talking about suicide awareness, “You know, I went on a trip to Paris this summer to find myself, because of that, I love myself even more and would never harm myself like that!”

3. Get on yearbook staff! Ok, so you have made yourself the center of  attention for an entire year, good going! But now, do you want to preserve all these moments of self centeredness pictures so that the entire school knows that you are the most important person that goes to CHS. If you get on yearbook staff, you can put all your pictures in the yearbook, go crazy and make the yearbook only about you. You could even make out the dedication to yourself.

Great job!!! You have now learned how you can be the center of attention at all times during school and the summer! Now go out, utilize these new tools, and be the best narcissist you can be!

OUR THOUGHTS ON THE WGA STRIKE

Claremont's Really Academic Paper stands in solidarity with the Writers Guild of America (WGA) as they go on strike in pursuit of fair contract negotiations with the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP). As writers, we understand firsthand the importance of being compensated fairly for the work we do. 

The WGA's demands for fair compensation and working conditions are reasonable and necessary. Writers are the backbone of the entertainment industry, and they deserve to be paid fairly for their work. Their contributions are what make movies, television shows, radio and other forms of media come to life, and it's only right that they receive a fair share of the profits generated by their labor. This is especially true with the rise of streaming services, digital content, and Artificial Intelligence.

As a humor magazine that also writes sketches and performance material, we rely on the talent and creativity of our writers to produce the content that our audience enjoys. We recognize that without the hard work and dedication of writers, our publication would not exist. Therefore, we fully support the WGA in their efforts to secure a fair and just contract.

We urge the AMPTP to come to the negotiating table in good faith and work towards a mutually beneficial agreement that respects the contributions of writers to the entertainment industry. We stand with the WGA in their fight for fair compensation and working conditions and offer our support to their cause.

We made the decision to stand in solidarity with the WGA by refraining from writing or publishing any new material for the month of May, and will be printing this message in every issue we publish until the WGA and AMPTP come to an agreement.

You can learn more at wga.org and wgacontract2023.org, or support the strike on social media by using the hashtags #wgastrong and #istandwithwga

HOROSCOPES FOR THE SUMMER

I love this column. As you know, your horoscopes are very important to the mind spirit of the universe. They influence your entire life, and we have deciphered the code! Beware the horoscopes of other publications, for they are no more than needlessly obtuse flimflam (that’s a real word, b*tches). We are the only publication that truly knows the future. That being said, enjoy!

Aries: Wear plenty of Coppertone™ brand sunscreen this summer, and nothing else.

Taurus: Do not eat Kumquats this summer. Trust me. Don’t.

Gemini: During your driving test, a truck carrying five hungry bears will crash into your Prius. You will survive, but be horribly maimed. 

Cancer: You will have a mild migraine on June 25.

Leo: Go to the zoo on August 6 to undo the curse that has befallen your family.

Virgo: See Sagittarius.

Libra: That one person definitely likes you. You should talk to them this summer and give them a bunch of confusing, mixed signals.

Scorpio: You will consume an unhealthy amount of popsicles this summer. 

Sagittarius: See Pisces.

Capricorn: This summer will bring you great wealth, if your name is Jeff Bezos. Otherwise, you’re screwed.

Aquarius: Whenever you enter a pool, a hungry great white shark will magically teleport to you. This is not good, as the shark will want to eat you. 

Pisces: You will ace all your finals except for English, where you will earn an 88.9% because you used a semicolon wrong. Not your fault, no one knows what a semicolon does.

SHOUTOUTS

There are some cool people that we want to mention. A lot of them are seniors, some of them are groups of people, but regardless, think of these as end of year “Yearbook” type messages. 

Andrew Eisenberg: You’re funny and smart, which will get you places most can only dream of. Thanks for supporting the magazine! 

Nicole Lowenstein: Thank you so much for being a fervent supporter of our stupid jokes since day 1. You’re really cool, and we really appreciate it! 

Derek Kwok: It’s been such a blast knowing you, and it's great that you read us. If you ever need words of encouragement, just remember: You’re Derek Freaking Kwok. 

Christopher Santamaria: Hi Chris. We know you’re a junior, but since you submitted a shout-out application and we need to fill space in this issue, we’re shouting you out anyways. See you next year!

Matthew Corona: Hi Matthew. You’re also a junior (you know that already), but we still need to fill space. Thanks for reading our magazine and being a fan. See you next year!

Dr. O’Connor: You’ve never read our magazine, and probably never will. Regardless, enjoy retirement! You should definitely take a bike trip around Europe.

Class of 2024: It feels like we should be in 8th grade still, but we’re not. Let’s enjoy this last year and go out with a bang!

Class of 2025: You’re screwed. Enjoy your free time while you can.

Class of 2027: No idea how people born in 2009 are in high school now. It feels weird and scares us. Have fun.

A POEM FOR THE CLASS OF 2023

Last year, we wrote a poem about the Class of 2022. It kind of sucked, but we’ve decided to try again with you guys. It should be better. Please enjoy, class of 2023!

In Claremont High, the year's end draws nigh,

A solemn moment, but let us not cry.

For in this poem, we shall reminisce,

And remember our time with laughter's kiss.

Oh, dear graduates, you've made it through,

The trials and tribulations we all knew.

The late-night cramming, the stress galore,

Now it's time to bid adieu, no more.

To math class, where numbers caused you dread,

Equations, formulas, filling us with dread.

Solving for x, oh what a chore,

Yet somehow you passed, and now you soar.

English essays, a Shakespearean quest,

With words like daggers, you tried your best.

Hamlet, Macbeth, their tragic tales,

By reading Sparknotes, you all prevailed.

And let us not forget the lunchtime woes,

The cafeteria's "cuisine" that no one chose.

Mystery meat and soggy fries,

Your taste buds are mourning their demise.

The pep rallies, oh, what a sight!

Cheerleaders dancing with all their might.

But let's be honest, you weren't that thrilled,

You just wanted to go home and be chilled.

The Prom! The Prom! A dance of grandeur,

Dressed to the nines, with glitter and glamour.

Stumbling on heels, like a newborn fawn,

You laughed and danced until the early dawn.

And now we part ways, your high school days done,

You’re off to college, to explore and have fun.

But let us remember the memories we made,

And the friendships that will never fade.

“Farewell Claremont!” you say, “we'll miss you so.”

“Our time with you, a bittersweet tableau.”

“With laughter in our hearts, we say goodbye,”

“To our formative days at Claremont High”

So let’s raise a glass, let laughter reign supreme,

Your high school days, a fantastical dream.

With satire and wit, we bid farewell to thee,

To the CHS class of 2023.

Thank you seniors for a really great year. We’ll miss you, but you definitely have better things to do than read this magazine!