The Crappy Road Issue

WELCOME!

Hey! We’re back. We’ve been releasing a lot of stuff recently, checking off our bucket list before the year ends. But we do still need to release normal issues, and this is one of them! Here’s some backstory: on our shared google drive, we have a bunch of folders. One of these is an art folder, and this cover was there. We totally forgot why this cover was made, but we decided it’s better to use it than not use it. Thus, Crappy Road was born. We filled this issue with a few fun and refreshingly un-themed, normal, and hopefully funny comedy pieces, and we hope you enjoy! 

-Editorial Board People

P.S. Look out for our annual April Fools Wolfpacket parody issue soon!

P.P.S. Please don’t sue us for this cover, Paul McCartney

MARCH MADNESS OR MARCH BADNESS?

March is mad. Crazy. Absolutely bonkahs. Is it anyone’s favorite month? Besides leprechauns, I mean. And college basketball fans, I guess. Julius Caesar definitely hates this month. I dunno how your March has been, but mine’s been mad. And there hasn’t been much Marching actually. They should really consider renaming the month. Or maybe getting rid of it altogether. Wait, never mind, that’s not good for business. Plus, it’s women’s history month, which we definitely need. I just really wish they hadn’t made March a month where nothing notable really happens. It’s such a weird month. The beginning of March is still winter for some reason. Say what you will, but that does not make sense. Again, I’m sorry to all you March birthday people. I’m sure your birthday is always super cool. But birthdays notwithstanding, you have to admit this month kinda sucks. It’s just an endless drag of nothing with no breaks. Granted, we get spring break at the end, but that’s April—which is a cool month. March is, as we all know, substantially less cool. So how do we change that? How do we get rid of all the absolutely horrible, boring, and simply unredeeming qualities of the most mundane month and make it the most epic month that’s ever existed? That’s my mission today.

What are we working with, exactly? Both good and bad, I’ll lay it out for you: In March, we’ve got St. Patrick’s day, the Ides of March, college admissions season, Women’s history month, flu season, March Madness, Primary Elections, a span of 5 weeks with no break that’s full of busywork, and endless yearning for spring break, two seasons for some reason, the most unpredictable weather, allergies, and Easter (sometimes). That’s not even counting all the unfortunate events that just happen to people during March for some reason. Either way, I think we’ve established that march has some really good things and some really horrible ones too. Somehow, all this evens out to make a boring, uninteresting, and just plain long month.

So how do we take this month of March and make it MAD? It’s simple. First, we get every Monday off. We can all agree this makes February insanely nice, so why not roll it over to March? A month with this much burnout and mundanity needs a few more breaks, if not just to ease us into spring break in April. Next, we need to celebrate every little thing in March. It’s a dull month full of busywork and responsibility, so I propose we turn every mildly significant day into a holiday. Ides of March? Celebration. St. Patrick’s Day? An even bigger celebration. International Client’s Day? Huuuuge party. National Peanut Butter Lover’s Day? Why aren’t we celebrating this with a full on parade every year?!

My point is, March right now sucks. But it doesn’t have to! We can make this month so much better if we just try. Trying is such a cool thing that I wish people would do more of. It’s way better than bailing out and switching to an easier option after making a commitment. So why don’t we make March about trying and committing all the way to the end? If we do, all this and more would come true! We’d make March a month full of madness.

SEBASTIAN'S CORNER #9

One year ago today, I was doubtful. Finishing my junior year, I felt insecure in the sense that I didn’t know what colleges would accept my sorry ass. I didn’t know if I had done enough to make myself an attractive candidate at a prestigious institution. Back then, it was all I lived for. I structured my life that would build the strongest resume. From piano competitions to ACT prep, I was in desperate need of scholastic validation. Since then, I have learned an incredible amount in just about every sense of life. I’ve had my triumphs and failures in the past year and wish to share a piece of advice to the class of 2025 and anyone else who would benefit from it. Have faith in the system: Wherever you are accepted, you will be a good fit and find people you will enjoy. You might think this is just a naive way to ease anxiety but let me offer an explanation as to why this isn’t the case. Think of a few colleges you want to go to. Each of them resonates with your personal values one way or another. In your mind you know which ones you want to get into the most, though. A majority of people applying to the colleges you have in mind have a list extremely similar to yours with similar rankings. What this means is if you don’t get into your dream school and end up going to one you were less excited about, your classmates most likely were also rejected from the same dream school. To be rejected from the same schools, accepted to the same schools, and to make the same decision in the end on where to go, you will end up with your people. As long as you are true to yourself and choose your future based on what you want rather than what someone else wants, you will be okay.  

LETTER TO THE EDITOR: THE REAL JOE BIDEN

Hello, C.R.A.P.

I am writing today to talk about a deep issue plaguing our democracy. This fall, my dear friend and colleague President Joe Biden is facing Donald Trump in what is undoubtedly the biggest, most important election since last election. And for some reason, many of my fellow democrats are less than enthusiastic about Biden running again! 

Now, listen—I get it. People say Joe is old, has a poor memory, stumbles over his words, and is incapable of leading the country. This is not the case. I have seen the real Joe Biden. Behind closed doors, he is so freaking agile. In a single day, I have seen him read War and Peace in 3 minutes, beat Magnus Carlson in a chess match before running the mile in 3:59.58, and then successfully negotiating for the release of several hostages in the Middle East. 

Trust me. Behind closed doors, there is nobody more capable than Joe Biden, who beat the rock in an arm wrestle while finding the cure for cancer. He’s just that good! Behind closed doors, with his aides and staff, Joe Biden is the most fit President we’ve ever had. Trust me. We may not have been able to get video proof for any of this, but that’s because cameras and film just can’t capture the pure brilliance of Biden’s mental and physical fitness. I mean, this is the guy who played 2v1 with LeBron and Steph Curry and WON, while fixing income inequality. People would just say it’s A.I.

In summarion, he may not look it, speak it, or just seem like it in public, but behind closed doors nobody is more capable of running the country than President Biden. With age comes expertise and a more agile mind, and I’m convinced that there is no better alternative to Trump on god's green earth.

Sincerely,

Steve from Washington

SHE REJECTED YOU (PARODY OF SHE LOVES YOU BY THE BEATLES)

We originally wrote this song in January 2022. Now, just over 2 years later, you get to see it! Are we running out of ideas and rehashing old pieces we’ve never published? Maybe. Either way, enjoy!

She rejected you, yeah yeah yeah

She rejected you, yeah yeah yeah

She rejected you, yeah yeah yeah, yeah

You thought you'd win her love

Well she told me there's no way

She'd rather kiss a glove

Or pretend that she is gay

She said she rejected you

But she hopes you won’t be mad

Yes, she rejected you

She don’t want you to be sad

She said you kinda suck

Your good side’s hard to find

Now you’ve ran out of luck

You’ve been shunned like megamind

'Cause she rejected you

And she did it over text

Yeah, she rejected you

And you don’t know what comes next

She rejected you, yeah yeah yeah

She rejected you, yeah yeah yeah

With a friend like that

You should stay home and cry

You met her a while ago

You’ve had a crush on her for years

When she rejected you

She realized your worst fears

‘Cause she rejected you

And she’s got another guy

Yes, she rejected you

Now you kinda want to die

She rejected you, yeah yeah yeah

She rejected you, yeah yeah yeah

With a friend like that

You probably shouldn’t try

With a friend like that

You should just stay home and cry

With a friend like that

You'll never be… her guy

yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah, yeah

SMALL TALK TIPS

If you’re reading this magazine, you have trouble talking to people. It’s true, don’t deny it. For some people, small talk can be a large problem. With that in mind, we’ve decided to help you all with some clarification and tips. 

• "Not bad" means "good.”

• “Not too bad" means “pretty good.”

• "Not bad at all" means it's a great day.

• "Not good" means “bad.”

• "I'm doing just okay" means "I'm on the brink of a mental breakdown, again."

• "Everything is fine" means "The world is burning around me, but I'm trying to maintain a facade of composure."

• "I feel blessed" means their life is going really great right now, they feel substantially better than you, and they’re not afraid of telling you that in a roundabout way.

• If you ask someone “How’s it going?” and they say “It’s going,” you’re dealing with a very tired, sad, white person.

• If you have a job, pepper your small talk with overly complex jargon: "I find that synergizing cross-functional paradigms really enhances my experience, productivity, and net workflow for the quarter."

• Don’t share your true opinions on anything. Always change them to match those of the person you’re talking to. That way, you avoid confrontation!

• Craft elaborate conspiracy theories about mundane occurrences, like why cats knock things off tables or the true purpose of traffic lights.

• Constantly talk about how you think Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself. People love that!

• Mention your thoughts on minorities all the time. Bonus points if you portray former President Trump in a positive light!

COLLEGE REJECTION LETTER

Dear Ms. Smith,

Every year we receive hundreds of thousands of applications from scores of qualified individuals that we would love to be able to admit to our university. In a normal year, we are able to admit almost all of them. Sadly, you were one of five people we cannot offer admission to for the Fall 2024 semester. 

We understand that this is very difficult for you, and we are disappointed that we cannot offer you enrollment, especially considering your family’s personal ties to the school. Regardless, your donations are much appreciated. The reality is that you, along with four other students, simply aren’t good enough for our school with a 99.9% acceptance rate. 

Your grades were abysmal (a 3.4 GPA?!), your extracurriculars were lacking (you did not solve the crisis in the Middle East), and your essays were, as your generation says, “mid.” This placed you firmly in our small rejection class, along with a serial killer, the rich child of a washed out celebrity, an overrated tiktoker, and the ghost of Jeffrey Epstein. We would wish you well in your future endeavors, but we don’t really feel like it.

Sincerely,

The Admissions Department at College University

Barstow, CA

HOROSCOPES

Your horoscope is very important. The stars influence every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade of the (on average) .79 centuries of your life. Don’t pay attention to any other horoscopes. They’re fake, stupid, and lame, which is not cool. And trust me, I know what’s cool. We are the only publication that truly knows the future. Take a look!

Aries: Happy birthday to all of you except Keith. This month will bring moderate satisfaction.

Taurus: They are coming. 

Gemini: This month, your true love will find you and everything will go well. Like, follow and share to claim.

Cancer: You must take care to avoid all legumes.

Leo: You are a lion on the prowl, and this month you will catch your prey. I have no idea what the hell that means, but have fun.

Virgo: The accuracy of your march madness bracket predicts how well the next month will go for you. Sorry.

Libra: Beware any oboists that cross your path.

Scorpio: Guess what? Things are finally looking up for you. Just wire transfer us 4.5 million dollars.

Sagittarius: If you’re playing senior assassins, watch your back. If not, have a nice month!

Capricorn: This month will bring you great luck, if your name is “Lucky Larry.” If not, you’re screwed. 

Aquarius: You will have a mild migraine on April 5.

Pisces: You’re too far down the list, so we kinda gave up. See you next month!