The Wolf Packet

BREAKING: C.R.A.P. PUBLISHES ANOTHER "SIDE-SPLITTINGLY HILARIOUS" ISSUE LAMPOONING WOLFPACKET

Claremont's Really Academic Paper, or CRAP for short, has released their annual April Fool's Day issue, lampooning the Claremont High School Wolfpacket. This is the third edition of said lampoon issue. It is “side-splittingly hilarious,” according to a number of CHS students, all of whom work for CRAP. Whether this is true remains to be seen. When reached for comment, Wolfpacket EIC and publishing heiress Josephine Von Wolfpacket III said “this may be the funniest thing anybody’s ever written at CHS. I think it’s better if we just stop writing humor here at the Wolfpacket, or maybe stop writing at all. I clearly have a lot to think about, so please excuse me for a second while I go cry.” Von Wolfpacket’s remarks clearly struck a chord with Claremont Students, as tens of them pulled out their phones and went to @chscomedypaper on instagram, struggling but eventually finding the link to their latest issue. We didn’t hear any outright laughter, but there were some smirks and chuckles. This is a developing story, so stay tuned for any updates.

SLIGHTLY LESS BREAKING: C.R.A.P. ACQUIRES THE WOLFPACKET

Claremont's Really Academic Paper, or CRAP for short, has decided to take things a step further this April Fools Day by announcing their acquisition of the Wolfpacket brand, staff, and publishing rights. This move came shortly after CRAP published their third annual Wolfpacket Parody Issue, which was so funny it discouraged Wolfpacket EIC and publishing heiress Josephine Von Wolfpacket III from ever publishing anything again. Shortly thereafter, she entered negotiations with CRAP President B. Sandoval and Chuckletown Media Inc. CEO H. Nasrun, as well as Chairman/Majority shareholder Conius C. “Conezz” Conesworthy VI (a direct descendant of Conius C. Conesworthy III, who founded the magazine as the Claremont Charivari in 1913) to hand over rights of the Wolfpacket for a grand sum of 13 cents, the largest transaction of a high school newspaper in history. 

At 1:00am this morning, the Wolfpacket officially became a Chuckletown Media Inc. proprty (Chuckletown Media Inc. is the newly reorganized parent organization of CRAP, formerly doing business as Claremont’s Really Academic Paper Writers & Co.). B. Sandoval is excited for the future of the Wolfpacket and to experiment with what he calls “hard hitting student journalism.” It is his hope that new ownership will “help bring to light the many issues plaguing CHS students and staff, such as school lunch quality (or lack thereof), coaching discrepancies, and student election poster size, as well as bolster free speech opportunities on campus.” He followed this up by stating “We all know that upper middle class students with tons of opportunities have no voice in society, so I’m glad we get to change that.” As of now, H. Nasrun, the magazine Narthex, has been placed in charge of the Wolfpacket as Temporary EIC. He will remain in this position to oversee reorganization and stabilization for the remainder of the school year.

OPINION: YOUR VOTE ALONE DECIDES THE ENTIRE 2024 ELECTION

In an unprecedented turn of events, political analysts have made a shocking discovery: your vote alone decides the entire US prwesidential election. Yes, you heard it right! Your seemingly inconsequential vote has suddenly transformed into the mighty Excalibur of democracy, capable of single-handedly determining the outcome of the 2024 presidential election between the heavily experienced Joe Biden and the literally larger than life Donald Trump. Forget the pundits, the polling data, and the endless stream of campaign ads that have been shoved down everyone’s throats. None of it matters anymore. We’ve decided that fate of the nation now rests squarely on your shoulders, or rather, your one solitary vote. Nothing else matters. 

“It’s truly mind-boggling,” remarked renowned political scientist Dr. Polly Tickles. “Never before in the annals of democracy has a single voter wielded such immense power. It’s like something out of a Hollywood blockbuster, or worse: real American politics.” Forget about polling stations and absentee ballots; your decision will echo through the annals of history, resonating with the force of a thousand thunderclaps. Will you cast your vote for the man who once commanded the Oval Office with a Twitter account as mighty as Thor's hammer, or will you lend your support to the seasoned politician who's been navigating the treacherous waters of Capitol Hill since the dawn of time?

Every political ad, every debate, every meme you've scrolled past on social media – it all comes down to this moment, this singular act of civic duty that will define the course of the nation for generations to come. The fate of healthcare, climate change, economic policy, and whether pineapple belongs on pizza – it's all in your hands now. This is the most important election since the last election. As the days tick by and the tension mounts, one thing is certain: the 2024 election will go down in history as the most nail-biting, heart-stopping, and utterly absurd chapter in American politics. And it’s all up to you, the reluctant hero whose vote alone decides the fate of an entire nation. No pressure!

DR. MITCHELL ANNOUNCES MANDATORY NAPTIME PERIOD FOR 12TH GRADERS

In a shocking turn of events, Dr. Mitchell has announced a groundbreaking initiative aimed at combating the perennial issue of sleep deprivation among seniors. The solution? Mandatory "naptime" sessions for all 12th graders. In a press conference that had everyone struggling to stifle their giggles, Dr. Mitchell unveiled his ingenious plan, citing extensive research on the benefits of napping for cognitive function and mood improvement. "It's time we tackle the real issues facing our students: namely, their chronic exhaustion from Netflix binges and TikTok marathons," he declared, adjusting his oversized sleep mask for emphasis. According to the proposal, each day after lunch, seniors will be herded into designated nap areas scattered around the school, complete with fluffy pillows, soothing music, and a strict ban on caffeine. "We're going for a zen-like ambiance," Mitchell explained, "Think less cafeteria, more spa retreat."

Reaction from students has been mixed, to say the least. "Are you kidding me? I've got AP exams, college applications, and a social life to maintain," exclaimed one senior, rubbing her eyes in disbelief. "I don’t even have time for calc homework! Who has time for naps?!" However, not everyone is opposed to the idea. "I mean, free naptime? Sign me up!" said super senior Chet Smithers, lounging in a hammock strung up in the school courtyard. "Finally, a chance to catch up on all those Zs I've been missing out on."

The plan has sparked some controversy among parents and teachers alike, with concerns ranging from logistical nightmares ("Who's going to monitor all these sleepyheads?") to potential misuse of nap time ("What's to stop them from sneaking in their smartphones?"). But Dr. Mitchell remains undeterred, insisting that the benefits far outweigh any minor inconveniences. In the meantime, students are left pondering the absurdity of it all. 

"Next thing you know, they'll be installing bunk beds in the classrooms," joked one senior, rolling his eyes. "But hey, if it means I can sleep through calculus, I'm all for it." So there you have it, folks. The latest brainchild of our esteemed principal: a naptime policy that's sure to leave everyone scratching their heads, if not nodding off in their seats. Stay tuned for updates on this sleepy saga, and remember, in the words of Dr. Mitchell himself: "Rest well, my little scholars. Tomorrow's another day of learning...or dreaming, whichever comes first."

A&E: MY PITCH FOR BARBIE 2: KENLECTRIC BOOGALOO

If there’s one thing Hollywood loves more than FX’s The Bear (great show btw), it’s sequels. And as we approach the one year anniversary of the first Barbie trailer, I can’t help but notice that there hasn’t been a sequel announcement yet. I mean, there will be a sequel announcement, right?! Anywho, if Warner doesn’t have the balls to do it, I will. Here’s my idea for the Barbie sequel:

Barbie 2: Kenlectric Boogaloo.

This thrilling sequel to international blockbuster “Barbie” has it all! Set five years after Barbie goes to the real world, this film follows Barbie’s transition to living an (extra)ordinary human life while Ken finds himself, fighting for Ken rights and discovering what it means to be Kenough back in Barbieland. However, after the Barbieverse shatters and toys from all around the Barbieverse are left stranded in Barbieland, Ken has no choice but to head to the real world to seek the chosen one, Barbie, the only woman who can fix this. Barbie 2: Electric Boogaloo stars Margot Robbie as Barbie, Ryan Gosling as Ken, America Ferrera as Gloria, Michael Cera as Alan, Meryl Streep as herself, Conan O’Brien as the first female President of the United States, and Jeff Goldblum as God.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR: THE SEASON OF THE HUNT

Dear Editors of ther Wolf Packet,

Since I can remember, people have always celebrated Easter with an egg hunt. “What kinds of eggs are they searching for?“ I would commonly ask myself. Only realizing now that everyone was hunting for brightly colored plastic eggs with chocolate in them (or money, if you’re lucky). But that is not the way it was intended to be celebrated.

Let me start by saying that everyone’s entitled to celebrate holidays in their own fashion, however, I’m entitled to say that you’re celebrating Easter wrong. Easter shouldn’t be celebrated with plastic eggs and a horrific giant bunny. It should be celebrated with a Great hunt, not of eggs, but of the tropical, and often extravagant birds that lay them. That’s how I’ve always celebrated Easter, and it’s the right way to celebrate Easter.

As a taxidermist, I know, and believe that I am qualified to tell you the way Easter is supposed to be celebrated. So, when Easter comes around next year, you’ll be prepared. To celebrate Easter, the correct way, by murdering birds.

Thank you.

THE WOLF PACKET SATIRE SECTION

As Claremont High’s newspaper of recorsd, sometimes things can be a bit stressful. That’s why we like to unwind and, quite frankly, get a bit silly sometimes! This is our satire section, the place we can do that. As usual, take some time to enjoy our really funny spread of jokes and sketches:

The Uninspired School Dance Theme Committee Meeting

The high school's theme committee sits around a table in the stuffy faculty lounge, desperately trying to come up with an exciting theme for the upcoming school dance.

Chad: "Okay, guys, let's think outside the box. How about... 'A Night Under the Fluorescent Lights'?"

Cindy: "Hmm... maybe too avant-garde, Chad. How about 'Slightly Discolored Walls: The Dance'?"

Trevor: "I've got it! 'Beige Carpet Bash'!"

Silence fills the room as they realize they've hit rock bottom in creativity.

The Mundane Adventures of the High School Mascot

In a thrilling display of school spirit, the mascot, Terry the Tuna, flops around the gym during halftime, desperately trying to rile up the disinterested crowd. Terry flails his fins wildly, but the students are more focused on their phones than the sad spectacle unfolding before them. In a last-ditch effort, Terry attempts a cartwheel, but gets stuck mid-flip, resulting in a deflated tuna sprawled out on the gym floor. The following day, lunch was tuna sandwiches.

The Riveting School Assembly on Proper Pencil Sharpening

Principal Johnson stands proudly in front of the student body, a PowerPoint presentation titled "The Art of Pencil Sharpening" projected behind him. As he drones on about the importance of maintaining a sharp pencil tip, students struggle to keep their eyes open, with some even resorting to using their newly sharpened pencils to stab themselves in the thigh just to feel something.

The Lackluster Pep Rally

The gym is packed with students as the cheerleaders attempt to ignite school spirit with lackluster chants and half-hearted jumps. The football team, still recovering from their last game, stands sullenly on the sidelines, wondering why they bother showing up to these things. Meanwhile, the mascot, Terry the Tuna, waddles around aimlessly, his costume smelling faintly of old fish and for some reason, dried blood.

The Boring Cafeteria Food Fight

In a desperate attempt to inject some excitement into their mundane high school lives, a group of students stage a cafeteria food fight. Unfortunately, the cafeteria food is so unappetizing that nobody wants to touch it, let alone throw it at each other. The fight quickly fizzles out as students awkwardly toss limp slices of pizza and globs of congealed tuna salad at each other, wondering why they even bothered in the first place. “At least we get out in 3 weeks…”

WORD SEARCH!

THE FIRST CHS STUDENT TO SEND A COMPLETED WORD SEARCH TO OUR INSTA (@CHSCOMEDYPAPER) WINS A PRIZE!

F O O L E D Y O U N J E F F E P S T E I N A D

D N O T A N A N S W E R V N O M M U D C O E Q

P F Y O S E M I T E P J G A D F D B H G N A N 

R Q G J I P M C V H F S A F T U R Y T E H F E

G P J U O U S R H D B I Y U P M O S D G L J I

J H G R E Y P O U P O N T C Z Z C R A C O S H

H D D C V J A W A G R V K K X I O Z Q D O G G

P C L Q V O E I R N E U U X N M N F R V I L N

I A I U T C L A H A D O I K Q X N A F M O O O

G E E K L E K I S M C E L V E B O A E I S D R

I C H V N U U N G H G L G Q J G R D F G O O P

Q W O O S H B D H O V K B L U X Y C Z Q A L M

Q O K O A D U N E Z P U Z T E L L K R V E W R

F Y T H V J Z O I S K O U W S T V O Z Q T H V

N B A N A N A H N P I Q L P E U F F K P A G H 

N K G E K T O L Z P N N X Y B B M F C G O F W

E H Y O U R E D U M B L O L Q U Z C T R B N H

WORD BANK:

GREY POUPON

BORED

GEEK

BANANA

TELLER

OLIGOPOLY

VENOM

KUMQUAT

DR O’CONNOR

YOSEMITE

DUNE

SHAI HULUND

PRONG

*There may be other words inadvertently placed within this word search. If you find any, bonus points will be awarded. If you cannot find a word, don't give up! Take a break and come back later.