Oh, the holiday season! Inside some homes, we find a Christmas tree. Inside others, a menorah. Inside my house, you’ll find a thin steel pole. No, I’m not a stripper (anymore). I celebrate Festivus, the holiday for the rest of us!

If you didn’t know, Festivus is the best winter holiday. Forget the joy of unwrapping presents or the warm glow of candlelight. The Festivus Pole boasts the elegance of bare aluminum, standing tall and proud, symbolizing the very essence of anti-decoration. Why waste time with twinkling lights when you can bask in the glory of industrial minimalism? Besides, I find tinsel distracting.

Forget the traditional turkey or ham—Festivus revelers indulge in the pièce de résistance, the crown jewel of our dining experience: Meatloaf. But it’s about more than just the food! The celebration of Festivus begins with Airing of Grievances, which takes place immediately after the Festivus dinner has been served. What is the airing of grievances, you ask? It's a beautiful session of unfiltered honesty in which everyone tells friends and family of all the instances where they disappointed him or her that year. Who needs polite conversations when you can have a Festivus-style venting session? It’s the only time of the year where telling your Uncle Bob that his jokes are as outdated as the floss is not only accepted but encouraged.

But wait—there’s more! After grievances have been aired is the feats of strength, the final tradition of festivus. As displayed in seinfeld, the feats of strength is a physical contest the likes of which have never been seen. Once the participants are identified, the "Feats of Strength" should begin by the head of household removing any bulky clothing and shouting the phrase "Let's Rumble!!" It is not complete until the head of the household is wrestled to the floor and pinned. Standard stuff, really.

So, while the world is caught up in the glitz and glamor of Christmakwanzakah, I'll be here reveling in the simplicity and authenticity of Festivus. Why? Because it’s a festivus for the rest of us, and that’s the holiday spirit we need!

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS - A FILM REVIEW

Before I begin, yes. This is a real movie. And yes, I did watch the entire movie to write this review. "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" catapults viewers into a cinematic realm where holiday cheer meets interplanetary absurdity. The plot, as whimsical as it gets, revolves around the Martian leaders' perplexity over their children's obsession with Earth TV—specifically, a channel airing interviews with Santa Claus.

Seeking counsel from the ancient sage Chochem, they decide that the solution to Martian malaise is a Santa Claus of their own.

Cue the interplanetary kidnapping of Santa and a couple of unsuspecting Earth kids. Voldar, the Martian Grinch, vehemently opposes this Yuletide invasion, believing Santa to be the root of Martian corruption. The ensuing Martian merriment, toy factory mishaps, and a Santa imposter named Dropo provide a bizarre yet entertaining journey.

The film's charm lies in its unapologetic embrace of ludicrousness. The Martian society's rigidity meets the chaotic exuberance of Santa and his workshop, creating a collision of cultures that's both laughable and endearing. The attempted "conquest" involves sabotaged toy factories, a bumbling Santa imposter, and a sage who foresaw the need for Martian merrymaking centuries ago. Dropo, the lovable Martian who channels his inner Santa, adds an extra layer of absurdity that's both endearing and laugh-out-loud funny.

In the pantheon of cinema, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" stands tall, redefining what it means to be a masterpiece. Step aside, Citizen Kane, The Godfather, and Ryan Reynolds’s Green Lantern; make way for a film that makes the classics look like amateur hour. Its unparalleled combination of holiday spirit, Martian misadventures, and comedic genius cements its status as one of the greatest films ever made. In the vast cinematic cosmos, this gem sparkles like a star, a testament to the enduring power of intergalactic merriment.

SEBASTIAN'S CORNER #8 - THE POST WINTER BREAK STRETCH

The post winter break stretch is a term I use to refer to a period of time that starts when winter break ends and spring break starts. January, February, March, are three months with minimal holidays or events of interest. This combined with the fact that the weather is too cold to head to the beach whilst also being too warm to have snow rest on the mountains makes me usually dread this period. But this year it’ll be different. The last highschool semester that matters will be over by february. I personally will make it my mission to spread senioritis and class of 2024 degeneracy among my classmates.The idea that you can “create your own fun” in boring times has never been more relevant. Hallway concerts during passing periods must be seen into fruition. Underground fight clubs must be established. A 2024 senior prank committee must be organized. Spontaneous class-skipping trips to Taco Bell must become the norm. It is during this upcoming period that creativeness can flourish and life experiences can be maximized. So let's make sure that class of 2024 isn’t the filler episode of classes.

LETTER TO THE EDITORS: KRAMPUS SPEAKS OUT!

Dear Editors,

Hi. It's me. Krampus. The “big, bad guy” of Christmas. I’ll make this simple: I’m here to clear my name. I am not a bad guy. When I was a little demon, my mother would tell me “Pete, it’s your job to make a difference in the world.” So I have taken it upon myself to do just that. Let me explain.

Sure, I take little kids away to my lair, but it’s not like I just kidnap every kid. I only kidnap kids who display the telltale signs of future psychopathy and criminal behaviors. What you may call “naughtiness” may develop into a potential serial killer, war criminal, or worse: Elon Musk. And despite all I do, I’m literally demonized for doing this. Hello?! Do you people not have common sense anymore?! Maybe I should’ve done my job better in the 70s.

If you let me do my job without bedeviling me, you would be doing the world a major favor. Instead of having to spend on law enforcement and correctional services, you could leave your money to me! I basically do the same things: I find the felons, lock them away in my dungeon, and eat them. Sure, my methods may be absolutely horrifying, but they do work (I’ve also become a master at barbecuing). On top of all that, I do everything without your funding! It would be nice if I received some type of salary, guys.

So please, don’t berate me for being of service to the greater good of society. If anything, you should go after Santa. He’s the one practicing modern day slavery. Anywho, Merry Christmas!

Sincerely,

Krampus

Pete "Krampus" Durchdenwald

667 Santa Claus Lane, Des Moines, Iowa

HARVARD REJECTION LETTER

A LETTER TO THE PARENTS OF KEVIN MCCALLISTER

Dear Mr. and Mrs. McCallister,

I trust this letter finds you in good health. It has come to my attention that my clients, Mr. Harold Lyme and Mr. Marvin Merchants, have decided to take legal action against your son, Kevin McCallister, for his alleged misconduct during their encounters at your home in Chicago and in the City of New York on Christmas Eve in the years 1990 and 1992, respectively. Messrs. Lyme and Merchants have retained my services to seek compensation for the various injuries, humiliations, and overall distress they claim to have suffered at the hands of your son. While I appreciate the entertainment value of the aforementioned incidents, it seems my clients fail to share the sentiment. Therefore, I must inform you that they are pursuing a lawsuit against Kevin for the following charges:

Assault and Battery, Attempted Voluntary Manslaughter: The use of paint cans, hot door handles, heated irons, butane torches, rusty nails, broken glass and strategically placed tarantulas falls under the category of assault and battery, causing severe discomfort and distress. These cruel and unusual forms of "defense" had a high likelihood of killing my clients.
Criminal negligence in home maintenance: Mr. Lyme and Mr. Merchants argue that your home's structural deficiencies, including icy staircases and unreliable light fixtures, constitute a clear disregard for the safety of others.
Intentional affliction of emotional distress: The constant fear of physical harm and humiliation inflicted upon them by a seemingly innocent child has left my clients scarred emotionally. They request compensation for therapy sessions to cope with the trauma.

My clients have reluctantly concluded that legal action is the only means of addressing these grievances. They seek damages for medical bills, emotional distress, and the profound impact on their reputation as bumbling criminals. In light of the upcoming legal proceedings, I recommend that you advise Kevin to retain legal representation promptly. We believe a swift resolution is in the best interest of all parties involved. Wishing you a festive season filled with joy, laughter, and, if possible, a heightened awareness of home security.

Sincerely,

Reginald Percival Barrington III, Esq.

Senior Counsel, Litigation and Nuisance Affairs

Barrington, Stratton, and Quibbleton Legal Associates

HOROSCOPES

Your horoscopes are very important. They influence every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade of every (on average) .79 centuries of your life. Don’t pay attention to any other horoscopes. They’re fake, stupid and lame, which is not cool. And trust me, I know what’s cool. Thus is the only publication that truly knows the future. Take a look!

Aries: If a Gemini finds their way into your life, buy them a sandwich.

Taurus: “Your Christmas gift this year is Josh Hutcherson. You’re welcome.” -Santa

Gemini: If someone offers you a sandwich, refuse it.

Cancer: You don’t have cancer, but you're a cancerous person. You can do better. Find yourself. Reconnect, brah.

Leo: We all know your top artist this year was Justin Bieber. There’s no use in hiding it. Lol.

Virgo: You are dyslexic and have ADHD, but you’re not a demigod. Sorry. ⅔ ain’t bad I guess.

Libra: Your gingerbread cookies will come to life and try to kill you. Will they succeed? I guess we’ll find out!

Scorpio: Some Advice: They don't think it be like it is but it do

Sagittarius: Nothing of note happens to you this month. Happy Holidays!

Capricorn: Happy Birthday!

Aquarius: I’ll be honest I wasn’t really paying attention when I got your horoscope, since there are 10 groups ahead of you. Just go to Panda Express and do whatever the fortune cookie tells you, I guess.

Pisces: If you’re a senior this year, make sure to proofread your college essays. Trust me.

ROYAL UPDATES VOL. 2

On December 1, His Majesty rung in the holiday season by watching Love Actually. On December 2, His Majesty watched Love Actually again. This continued every day. On December 5, His Majesty threw his radio out of the window when he heard the classic Christmas song "Fairytale of New York" by the Pogues, as he hates the Irish. On December 10, His Majesty watched "The Great British Baking Show" while eating figgy pudding. He enjoyed it very much. On December 16, His Majesty binged the last 6 episodes of the Netflix show "The Crown." On December 21, His Majesty issued a pardon to Santa Claus for breaking in to several homes across the UK and Northern Ireland. On December 23, His Majesty celebrated Festivus while reading this magazine. We hear the airing of grievances was especially tense this year.

His Majesty King Charles III after reading our magazine

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