The St. Patrick's Day Issue

WELCOME!

Top o’ the mornin’ CHS! Welcome to Claremont’s “Really Academic” Paper (no acronyms, we swear), Claremont’s funniest newsletter. This is our second issue, so hopefully, this does better than the last one. And happy St. Patrick’s day! But since you’re (probably) not old enough to drink, it doesn’t matter. Enjoy it (or don't)!

-The Editors

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE WOLFPACKET.

The following is an open letter to the Wolfpacket of CHS. Please keep in mind that the opinions in this letter do not represent everyone's opinions here, and that this has been translated into Latvian via Google Translate.

Sveiki Wolfpacket!  Mums ir vēstule par jūsu jaunāko Wolfpacket izdevumu.  Mēs to nez kāpēc pārtulkojām arī Latvian valodā.  Lai nu kā, tagad pie vēstules.  Esam ievērojuši, ka pēdējā laikā esat iekļāvis vairāk komēdiju.

Tas ir lieliski!  Kā Claremont’s apgabala ietekmīgākais un lielākais komēdiju žurnāls esam par to interesējušies.  Tāpēc mēs vēlamies piedāvāt priekšlikumu.  Mēs varētu zināmā mērā sadarboties, lai mūsu žurnālam būtu vairāk lasītāju un jūs visi iegūtu vērtīgu komēdijas nekustamo īpašumu.  Mēs būsim Venom Zirnekļcilvēka (slikta līdzība).

Lūdzu, drīzumā sazinieties ar mums, un nē, mēs nepiedāvājam iegādāties laikrakstu (vēl).

-Claremont’s Really Academic Paper (CRAP)

AN ODE TO VLADIMIR PUTIN 

I do not like that Vladimir Putin

I hope he ends up like Rasputin

He’s been becoming such a pain

Especially when he invades Ukraine 

I do not like his balding head

His face looks like a loaf of bread 

He looks like Hitler without a ‘stache

I think that he’s a piece of trash

I do not like that Putin guy

It would be nice if he could die

LIMERICKS

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, we’ve collected some of our favorite limericks. Although limericks may not be distinctly Irish, there is a town in Ireland called Limerick, so that's close enough! Enjoy!

There was an old man with a beard,

A funny old man with a beard

He had a big beard

A great big old beard

That amusing old man with a beard.

I once fell in love with a blonde,


But found that she wasn’t so fond,


Of my turtle named Odle,


whom I’d taught how to Yodel,

So she dumped him outside in a pond.

There was a young sailor named Bates

Who danced the fandango on skates.

But a fall on his cutlass

Had rendered him nutless,

And practically useless on dates.

HOW TO CELEBRATE ST. PATRICK’S DAY AGAIN

Congrats everyone! COVID is officially over (it only took them 2 years). And guess what? It ended just in time for St. Patrick’s Day. Now, it’s been a while since we’ve celebrated St. Patrick’s day, so we thought we’d give you some tips and tricks to celebrate and stay safe:

1. Drinking responsibly. If you’re over the age of 21, there are some drinking tips you should know. 

   1. Only Irish drinks are allowed. Guinness, Irish Whiskey and Irish Cream are all fine. But no margaritas, save those for Cinco de Drinko.

   2. Drink like an Irish person! That means no fewer than 4 beers and 2 hard drinks.(I can say that. I’m Irish)

2. Wear green. Legend has it that if you don’t wear green, you get trampled to death by angry step dancing leprechauns.

3. Under 21? Don’t worry if you can’t drink, just eat potatoes! Lots. Of. Potatoes. And corned beef.

4. Finally, don’t speak in an Irish accent. I’ve heard it’s offensive.

These are the best tips for St. Patrick’s Day. Have a great one!

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