Making/Maintaining Friends

Whether you are arriving for your first time on campus or you've been here a while, making and maintaining friends is an important skill you will use throughout your lifetime.  Often we don't think about making friends, when we were younger it felt like it just happened.  Chances are you were friends with most of the same people for a long time so you haven't had to think about the skills you used to make them.  As you enter the more adult world, you may start to realize that you're not really sure how to do it. This can lead you to feeling insecure, lonely, and confused. 

Below is information about how to make and maintain friends.  It, you may feel like it's too easy.  Though the concepts and actions are, often using them is difficult.  We may listen to our doubts and judgments about ourselves and assume things about others. Its important to remember, sometimes the only thing holding us back, is ourselves. 

How to Start

First things first.  You need to make contact.  Eye contact, saying,"Hi," or "Hey how's it going?"  A smile works well too. If you don't make some kind of contact, people will most likely think you are not interested in talking. 

Once some kind of contact, the next step is starting a conversation: 

• Make a comment or ask a question about something that is going on in a shared situation such as in the class you are both taking, commenting on a book that they are carrying, talking about a sports team you are both watching, or making a comment about the weather.  

• Introduce yourself and ask them what their name is and perhaps their major or year in school.

• Give someone a compliment.  For example, compliment them on their shirt or jacket. 

Check out the link below for some other ideas for conversation starters. 

250 Conversation Starters  

You've Made First Contact. Now What?

Sometimes making first contact is easy, it's figuring out what to say next makes us stumble.  Here are some ideas for how to keep a conversation going.

• Ask specific questions about them that are personal, but not too personal: Are you married/in a relationship?  Where did you grow up?  Do you live locally?  Do you have pets? What are your hobbies?

• Try to avoid close ended questions that can be answered by a “yes” or a “no” as these will make the conversation fizzle out quickly.  

• Be genuine in your interest about others and give the other person time to respond.  

• Offer some information about yourself but not too much.  A good conversation is a “two way street” and if only one person talks there is little room to move forward.

• Be aware of cues that a conversation is ending or that the other person does not want to keep talking.  This does not mean that they do not like talking to you, but maybe have run out of things to say or need to be somewhere.  All conversations must end and it is okay to pick up another conversation at a later date/time.

• Don’t push too hard to move a relationship forward or rush too quickly.  If conversation does not flow readily that is okay.  Perhaps a conversation on a different day will go better.  

There are always risks to starting a new relationship and by putting ourselves out there we open up to these risks.  Not all relationships work out because not everyone connects well every time.  Don’t give up on making new connections!  Look at every opportunity for communication as the potential to practice your skills and have the possibility for a new relationship.   

Common Pitfalls

• Assuming that someone you may want to talk to has "enough friends." 

• Letting self doubt guide actions.

• Trying to force a connection by pretending to be someone else or having interests in things you aren't interested in.

• Thinking that you are the only one that struggles with meeting new people.

• Judging self or others harshly because an interaction didn't go well.

Maintaining Friendships Near and Far

Once you have made friends the work isn't finished.  Like any other relationship, in order to keep it and keep it healthy, effort must be made. 

The good news is that the effort doesn't really feel like effort with good friends.  Keep communicating.  Keep listening and supporting.  Talk through difficulties instead of pretending they aren't there. Share your vulnerable side (we can't really connect to others who don't show their vulnerabilities). No matter if they are across the hall or across the country, a good friendship means connecting.  When you are at college that tends to be easier than after graduation or when someone transfers.  Effort must still be made to connect.  Calling, Face Time, visits, etc. When this effort is put in, you'll find that even as you change locations and move further from friends, when you do connect, it's like no time has past and they are still someone you trust and enjoy. 

Click here for more information on relationships.