Failure

When we are not successful at something, when we fail to make the grades we want, or the job or promotion we apply for, or even if a relationship ends that we thought would last forever, we can feel like we are failures. We can feel and think that we are no good, that we will never accomplish anything we want.  Failing at something can bring up a lot of thoughts and feelings that can keep us from moving forward and obtaining success.  

Failing does not mean that we are failures, it means something didn't work out.  It does not need to become our identity, though sometimes we need to work hard to believe it. 

 How to Cope with Failure

Acknowledge and feel the emotions - You will have plenty of them.  You may feel angry, sad, confused, apathetic, hopeless, etc.  You may feel all of these at the same time.  If you allow yourself to feel your emotions you may be surprised to find out that you also feel inspired, hopeful and motivated to do better. You may even feel grateful for a new opportunity. 

Watch the catastrophizing generalizations - Often times when we fail at something we believe that it means something horrible about ourselves.  We think things like, "I didn't get the job so I must not have any skills," or "My partner and I broke up so I must be unlovable." Though these statements will certainly feel true, they have no validity.  Sometimes things don't work out not so much because we are useless or unlovable, but rather that the job or the person wasn't the right fit. 

Take stock of your behavior - Were you fully giving your all?  Were there any behaviors or actions that you took that allowed the failure to occur?  For example: did you do all your work to the best of your ability, did you over study, did you take something or someone for granted, or did you procrastinate a little too much? Taking stock can help you understand more about yourself and the situation.  There is always something to learn. 

Shift your perspective - Instead of allowing this wound to be a fatal blow to you as a person, think of what you can learn from the experience.  Take stock of yourself, challenge those particular negative generalizations that can begin to form. Begin to look at what you can do better or what might be a better fit for you either in work, relationships, major, etc.  

Release the expectations of others -  Often times we fail at something because we never actually wanted to do it in the first place.  We sometimes allow ourselves to follow the expectations of others.  As a result, we can, without our knowing it, lose sight of what is important to us.  Failure than becomes a way for us to reconnect to who we are and what we want.  It is a blessing at times and something that can lead us to a better life. 

Start again - Allow yourself to take what you have learned from the failure, and use it in your success. Make a plan for your next task or tasks using all that you've learned from the last experience.  You may want to start out slow because you're feeling a little apprehensive. Start small and build.  If you've been feeling bad about yourself and not connecting with friends, start connecting.  If you have avoided doing some homework, start doing it.  You don't have to make big strides, just start small and build.  Soon momentum will grow and you'll be on your way.

Articles of Interest

Even Bright High School Graduates Can Fail First Semester College: Here's Why - Article from academicinfo.net - 6/16/2013

Failure Is Just 'Sucksess:' A TV/Film Writer's Lament - Article on the Huffington Post website on 7/23/14.

Managing Yourself: Can you handle failure? - Article posted on the Harvard Business Review website, from the April 2011 edition. 

Wired for success: How to fulfill your potential - Article posted on Psychology Today's website published on July 23, 2011. 

3 Simple Steps to Turn Failure into Success - Article posted on Tiny Buddha website written by Anne Samoilov.