Deadly Alive

  Have you ever felt alive yet somehow dead through the inside? Or in other words Deadly alive as I call it. At some point in our life’s we’ve all been through a traumatic experience that kills us through the inside yet we have to live with it on the outside. Some people can handle it and others can’t. Some get lost in drugs, alcohol, gangs, depression and others become suicidal. 

  I always thought that February 7,2017 was the day I became deadly alive but it was actually February 16,2017. Many know that February 7,2017 around 11:30 pm was the day I lost my best friend. I could have saved him yet I didn’t. One what if question still wanders around in my mind. What if I hadn’t put my phone on airplane mode just because I was mad at him? But no matter what I didn’t do it will never change the fact that I lost him yet I could have saved him and till this day I still blame myself for his death. 

  February 16,2017 was the day of his burial and till this day most of it is still a blur. I remember thinking his family would need me the most since they’ve just lost a son,brother and grandson but in reality it was me the one that needed them the most. Seeing his Family and friends standing there around his casket and all of them rushing to me to hug me still kills me till this day. “They took him from you my love” are the only words I can recall from that day; they were also Mike's Mother’s words followed by a warm and soft hug that felt like hot cocoa entering your stomach on a winter night. The worst part wasn't being in the funeral home, it was at the cemetery. Watching the dirt fall slowly over his casket as if time had frozen making my worst nightmare last forever deeply killed me. From everyone there I was the last one to drop the rose and as I did it I whispered to him “this isn’t a goodbye best friend it’s a see you soon” and dropping to the floor like it happens in many Mexican soap operas while everything went white around me.

  Watching a loved one's casket being lowered and covered with dirt can be the most traumatic experience ever in life but imagine doing it at the age of 14. It's been 3 years and 9 months since I lost my best friend and it still hurts like the first day. My heart still shaders into million pieces everyday, it's a nonstop pain that I wish I could end. What made the pain worse was that I didn't talk to anyone about it even when I had so many opportunities at school and at home too. I let it slowly kill me through the inside till I fell into a deep depression. I would go days without getting out of bed, other than to shower, and days/weeks without eating. I wont lie for days all I could think of was suicide. Days where I could hear an echoing voice in my head as if I had gone crazy that constantly told me “do it Karen, it's for the best. The pain will end and you will be happy with him” I wasn't able to make up the voice in my head till now and it was me. The pain was so heavy that I couldn't recognize my own conscience as if I was a stranger in my own head. 

  If you ever go through a traumatic event in your life please talk to someone like a friend, teacher, family member or even a stranger. It's important to get help even when you feel like there's no point and that it won't help because it will. But most importantly never forget that you are not alone in this world, that there's at least one person out there that cares about you even when it seems like there isn't.