Three Wise Men and One Wise Guy
My friends, as you may know, the Magi of the East saw a star foretelling the birth of the King of the Jews. And thus they traveled to Jerusalem, and spoke to Herod asking him where might he be, that who was born King of Kings. Herod averred that he did not know, but charged them with the task of finding the new king, so that he too might perform proper obeisance. But since the Magi had traveled so far, Herod offered them lavish rooms in the royal palace, so they may spend the night before continuing their journey.
That night, there appeared before them a figure, who spake thusly:
“Hey, are youse guys the Maggies?”
“We are the magi, yes. And who might you be?”
“Me? I'm the guy who cleans the stables.”
“Ah. Your occupation shows you to be quite diligent.”
“Hey there! No need to be insulting! Both of my parents were married! Not to each other, but that ought ter count for summin.”
“No, I mean...you perform your duties quite admirably.”
“Naw, you got me confused with someone else. I get terrible seasick, all that rocking back and forth.”
“Ah...I mean...you take good care of the horses.”
“Oh, why dint you say so? You foreigner sure talk funny. So I hear youse guys talking about this new star, but I don't see none out there.”
“Ah. The stars do not reveal themselves to everyone, but only to those trained in the great mysteries.”
“Oh, yeah, I know some maids like that. But youse guys might be wise and all that, but you're so busy looking at the stars that you don't see the big hole you're about to step into.”
“Your implication escapes me.”
“Again? I thought I fixed that hole.”
“No...I mean...that is...what do you mean?”
“I mean say I'm the big guy, and a buncha foreigners come by and say 'Hey Big H, where's this king of the Jews that was just popped out?' And I'd be like 'Huh, what are these guys talking about? Mebbe they know summin I don't.' And I'd play along and be like 'I dunno, maybe you should go find him for me.' Cuz old kings, they don't muchlike the idea of new kings, and maybe he'd have the mohel cut off a bit more than the foreskin, doncha know.”
“But he said he wanted to offer the proper gifts to the new king.”
“Yeah, but I don't think he meant something with bunnies on it. I'm thinking he meant more something sharp and pointy. And after that, it wouldn't do him no good to have witnesses, if you know what I mean.”
“I see.”
“So I'm thinking maybe youse want to leave tonight, and maybe when you find the new king, give him some advice like, oh, leave Judea for a coupla years, and seeing as how Herod might be just a bit miffed at youse not leading him to the new king, maybe going back by some other way?”
“You are, indeed, quite wise. But as for our leaving tonight...”
“Well, funny that you mention it. I thought hey, I've never seen me no Persian horse, 'specially one decked up for travel, so, and I hope you don't mind, I had yours all set up just to see what they were like.”
And so the wise men left that night, to search Judea for the newborn King of the Jews. And when they found him, they offered the stablehand's advice. And so the family left Judea for several years. The tale of their return is, of course, well known, and not for one such as myself to tell.
Notes
All right, this one isn't too serious...but it had to be done. I wasn't able to make the 2011 Bardic Championships, but it had a theme of Twelfth Night, so I decided I would tell the story of the Three Wise Men. But the one thing that's always bothered me about the story is why the Magi couldn't figure out that Herod wasn't likely to be happy about the birth of a new king. Fortunately, my commedia background helped, and the story more-or-less wrote itself...