The Madness of the Roman King

This is basically a children's song, which you can listen to as a harmless ditty or as truly offensive, depending on whether you want to be offnded (“Officer, he's humming dirty music!”). Those who think this song is about them might choose to listen to other music, say Carly Simon.

The Romans were quite proud of the fact that they had no kings, having expelled (according to tradition) the last Etruscan king in 509 BC. Even when the Republic disintegrated, Roman ruler scrupulously avoided the title of king (regulus), choosing more neutral titles like Augustus's “First among equals” (primus inter pares) or the later princeps (which means roughly the same thing, and evolves into our word “prince”). The title that finally stuck is the military title of commander: imperator, or emperor.

The music is the same as bransle pinegay (from Arbeau). Obviously no Roman ever sang this song, but if you would imagine an Elizabethan playwright setting a masque in Roman times (say, how about a play about Julius Caesar?), then it's easy to envision a player singing this song (perhaps as a drinking song), lampooning the unlamented kings of Rome.

For sake of historical completeness, the lyrics were finished on November 8, 2005.

Once the Romans had a king Tan-a-ra Who was mad as anything Tan-a-ra, tan-a-ra, tan-a-ra With short sword in royal hand He ran about the Roman land. Gave his faithful dog a bone Tan-a-ra Put her on the royal throne Tan-a-ra, tan-a-ra, tan-a-ra When she barked he held her tail And said "My dear, why do you wail?" He said "I can turn the tide!" Tan-a-ra "Ocean stop and turn aside!" Tan-a-ra, tan-a-ra, tan-a-ra He got salty, soaking wet And likewise did the royal pet. When the dog began to smell Tan-a-ra Said the king "I cannot tell!" Tan-a-ra, tan-a-ra, tan-a-ra "She smells just as clean and sweet As on the day I licked her feet!"

Notes

1. The gladius, or Roman sword, is a short sword by medieval standards.
2. Caligula allegedly made his favorite horse a Consul.
3. This is a reference to Canute, though to be fair to Canute, he ordered back the tide to make a point. In his case, it was that the royal power was limited.