The Brewers Hymn
The Brewers Hymn
Copyright 2009 by Jeff Suzuki
This piece had a somewhat unusual origin. I went to the bardic workshop in Albany on February 20, 2009 with some trepidation, since I didn't really have anything new. On the way up, I added a couple of stanzas to Never Drawn Down Celtic Ire and, since I hadn't performed it before, I did a rather muddled rendition of it.
Mia, one of the attendees, then told a story about her first attempt at brewing beer (it's a very funny story, and I hope she keeps telling it). Grim the Skald suggested that a filk of the story be written to Battle Hymn of the Republic. At that point, I said “Damn you, Grim, you've just put that idea in my head.” I proceeded to write down verses and before the workshop concluded, I had everything except the chorus (for which I'd kept the original). Mia suggested the chorus, which is essentially what's written here. On the way home, I fine-tuned some of the verses, and the result is what you have here.
Mine eyes have seen the remnants of our first attempt to brew We've been picking out the shards of glass from hall and bathroom too The airlock failed to vent away the excess CO2 Our beer's across the floor. Chorus Lordy, lordy how it blows up (x 3) Our beer's across the floor (last line of previous stanza) We took the barm and bottled it just like the booklet said. We put it in the bathroom 'cuz we didn't have a shed We went away for dinner then we slept just like the dead Our malt's on all four walls. Chorus A muffled thump awoke us sometime shortly after four We hoped the cats had thrown the dishes to the kitchen floor Alas we checked the bathroom and our carboy was no more Our ceiling's dripping beer Chorus So now we keep our mead inside a plastic laundry pail The beer ferments in canisters beneath the stairway rail, And cordials---they're no problem so we keep them by the mail. Our brewing still goes on.Chorus
Footnotes
When Grim suggested the filk, I almost immediately came up with “Mine eyes have seen the splinters of a shattered glass carboy.” However, I couldn't think of good rhymes for carboy.
One of the more common brewing mistakes is not to use an airlock, and you hear horror stories of exploding carboys because someone didn't read the instructions. An airlock (for brewing) is so simple that I've never heard of a functional one failing. The general consensus among us was that a manufacturing defect in the airlock caused the problem.
In the original scribbled notes, this is “I” instead of “we.” I'm not sure why I made the change; it seemed the right thing to do at the time, but as I look at it, first person singular might work better. Except for the pronoun change, this verse is essentially as I wrote it originally.
This was the verse that gave me the most problems, and I rewrote it substantially on the way home. The original was:
A muffled thump awoke us in the hours just ere dawn, We looked around and hoped our plates were scattered on the lawn Alas they all were safe but our carboy was now gone...
If you try to sing this, it just won't work. Also, the plates scattered on the lawn doesn't make any sense: the problem is dawn doesn't have many good rhymes. On the way home, it occurred to me at “some time after four” gives me a better ending word. According to Mia, the carboy didn't just break, it exploded and they could find no pieces of any significant size.
This was originally:
So now we know it's best to keep the mead in garbage pails. The beer's in metal canisters beneath the stairway rails. And cordials---they're no problem so we keep them with the mails.
The garbage pail thing is an older brewer's trick: if the carboy explodes, the (new and clean!) garbage can contains the pieces (and the mess). However, as soon as I sang it, I realized it was wrong: if you don't know the trick, it sounds like you're putting it in the trash. At this workshop, I mentioned the phrase “cognitive dissonance” a number of times, and here I am, making the same mistake. It also forced me to say “mails” instead of “mail.”
This was a thoroughly undistinguished “Our beer won't blow away.” But since it's a filk of the Battle Hymn of the Republic, then it's appropriate to lift a line or two from the original.
