Fabulous Feast

To the tune of "Stingo"

We planned a feast for forty souls, a repast rich and royal

To Taillevent and Apicius, our dishes would be loyal

But when we found what could we serve we were by this dismay-ed

And so the menu and the courses had to be revis-ed.

The king said “If I should inhale the dust of nuts or honey

My eyes will turn a fiery red, my nose will be all runny.”

And so we dropped the almond paste, and sent the hedgehogs packing

And honey butter for our bread our feast would now be lacking.

Then next the queen reminded all the rabbit was by her whim

Protected so we cannot trap or skin or bake or boil him

And so we dropped the coney stew and likewise for good measure

The lamb and duck were set aside to not cause her displeasure.

The princess can't take partake of wine, and milk the prince will sicken,

The steward must forego all wheat, no bread our stew can thicken

The doctor said that eggs and cheese the herald is forbidden,

In any case he must avoid salt, garlic, sage and cumin.

We had a feast for forty souls, we served some boiled water.

Spoken: That's it.

Notes

This is yet another in my "once a week" productions. I actually think this one's rather good, and may trot it out at some point.

Disclaimer: In no way am I making light of food allergies or legitimate medical issues. I don't have any serious food allergies, so I can enjoy pretty much anything; people with celiac, heart disease, lactose intolerance, etc., have my sympathy. What I am making light of is the fact that trying to make dinner for more than about six (closely related) people is often an exercise in finding what won't aggravate a medical condition; those who can do so are, in my book, amazingly talented. (Modern scientific note: The level of allergies we have today is generally attributed to a really effective immune system...which has been left with very little to do, thanks to modern medicine. If the anti-vaccination crowd has its way, we should start to see a reduction in the number of serious allergies as more and more people become seriously ill...)

For the scansion to work well, “Revised” and “Dismayed” should have the “-ed” pronounced as a separate syllable (as it would have been in 16th century English) instead of elided (as in 21st century America).
Yes, I know honey doesn't produce dust. I'd show you my artistic license, but it's out getting laminated.
In the original, I had “baklava” instead of “almond paste.” I changed it, because baklava isn't in Taillevent or Apicius. I like salvaging what internal consistency I can...
While I don't make light of legitimate food allergies, I'm less patient with other reasons for avoiding certain dishes. But this was too good a situation to pass up, because it's based on a true story: In one of his many reigns, Lucan's Queen, Jana, issued a royal whim that the rabbit was a protected animal, and was not to be served. Lucan had apparently been invited to a dinner that included rabbit; Jana walked in, asked for the dish to be identified; at which point everyone at the table (knowing her proclamation) solemnly identified the dish as “Cat!”
Lest future historians of music pore over my work and wonder whether the Princess was in the midst of a 12-step program, I declare, for now and all futurity, that the reason she couldn't partake of wine was because she was pregnant.
This is a good example of “Focus on getting it done, and don't get trapped in a loop.” I'd originally wanted to use the word “edema” (swelling of various extremities). But I couldn't fit it into the song. So I changed it to “Doctor's orders.” Which then required finding a rhyme for “forbidden.”