The Newbie Song
The Newbie Song
Copyright 2005 by Jeff Suzuki
This was the first “successful” filk I wrote. I was chagrined to find out later that the tune itself is probably not period. I say “probably”, since the original tune—“Ash Grove”—appears in John Gay's Beggar's Opera (1728), but most of the music in the opera was compiled from existing songs, so the provenance is probably earlier. (In truth, this was a filk of a filk, as the original, sometimes referred to as Trashed Grove, is by Yaakov Hamizrachi)
Note: If you're going to sing this to a group, consider the makeup of your audience. The first and last verses should be kept where they are, but consider reordering the middle verses so that the biggest laugh will occur on the penultimate verse.
Note 2: “Bransle” is pronounced “brawl.”
When I was a newbie, fresh into the Eastern Kingdom I tried everything that looked like it was fun. From workshop to practice, to guild meeting I did scurry I tried everything that was under the sun. Being young and enduring I tried damn near everything But oft I returned in abject misery! For there are some things that God never meant for everyone Take heed of my words and take warning by me. The jongleur plays music and sings sweetly as a songbird If you can read music they'll fight for your time. The Guild Mistress approached me, said "You will play soprano, A solo next weekend, I hope you don't mind. The King and Queen it's for, their court and spectators And it's in the key of B...flat...minor." Beware of the Mistress whose cultured voice is an alto Take heed of my words and take warning by me. Then there's the Marshal who says "You should be a fighter, We practice on Sundays in the High School gym." In his borrowed blue armor you sally forth into a melee, The knights who are present all think that you're him. With great sword and axe they make frantic attacks 'Cause they think that they need at least six...on...one...odds. Beware of the man who eats his breakfast in his chain mail, Take heed of my words and take warning by me. Dancing is fun and flirting ever so delightful, The steps out Playford are never too hard. The Guild Mistress comes in with a brand new stack of papers, She says "Now we'll try out a galliard." Hopping and skipping, then falling and tripping, She turns to us next and says, "OK, let's dance!" Beware of the practice where a bransle is not a fist fight, Take heed of my words and take warning by me. The herald is learned, in names and devices, The rules for his college he keeps in his head. I drew my device and unto him gave all my copies He looked at it long and then here's what he said. "Gules on chief argent, three lozenges sable" I looked at him long and I said........."Huh?!" Beware of the man who says the sky above is azure, Take heed of my word and take warning by me! As I sat despondent at the end of the last revel I followed my ears to the source of a song. A group of fine gentles said "Won't you join our circle Bardic?" My shoulders I shrugged and I followed along. Storytelling and singing and poetry reading, I laughed long and loud and the night was well spent. Oh give me the chance to throw my voice around a campfire, Take heed of my words and take warning by me.