Sunday Family Humour 7th February Page 3

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

A very special thank you to all contributors.

Men and Women

Thanks to Tony

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world,

an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down..

.The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife .

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Clever Drawings

Thanks to Lee

WEIRD WALKING COW.....

Warning: Do not view while drinking.

CAN YOU SEE 10 FACES IN THE TREE

THERE'S A FACE IN HERE. CAN YOU SEE IT?

CAN YOU SEE THE BABY?

CAN YOU SEE THE KISSING COUPLE?

CAN YOU SEE THE THREE WOMEN?

Watch closely...

Ice & Snow From Russia

Thanks to Cindy

Lions and tigers and bears

Thanks to Ray

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! The Jungle Book predators who have forged a lifelong friendship... December 2009

They make an unlikely trio, but Baloo the bear, Leo the lion and Shere Khan the tiger have forged an unusually strong bond.

Considering that they would be mortal enemies if they ever were to meet in the wild, it is stunning to see their unique and genuine friendship in these intimate pictures.

Rescued eight years ago during a police drugs raid in Atlanta, Georgia, the three friends were only cubs at the time at barely two months old.

They had been kept as status symbol pets by the drug barons.

Delivered to the Noah's Ark Animal Rescue Centre in Locust Grove, Georgia, the decision was made to keep the youngsters together, because of their budding rapport.

'We could have separated them, but since they came as a kind of family, the zoo decided to keep them together,' said Diane Smith, assistant director of Noah's Ark.

'To our knowledge, this is the only place where you'll find this combination of animals together.'

Living with the zoo's founders for the past eight years, Shere Khan, Baloo and Leo have now moved to a purpose-built habitat where the US public can now witness first hand their touching relationships.

'We didn't have the money to move them at first,' said Diane.

'Now their habitat is sorted and they have been moved away from the children's zoo areas where the public couldn't really get a good look.

'It is possible to see Baloo, who is a 1000lb bear, Shere Khan, a 350lb tiger and Leo, who is also 350lbs, messing around like brothers.

'They are totally oblivious to the fact that in any other circumstance they would not be friends.'

Handled by Charles and Jama Hedgecoth, the zoo's owners and founders, the three friendly giants appear to have have no comprehension of their animal differences.

'Baloo and Shere Khan are very close,' says Diane.

'That is because they rise early, and as Leo is a lion, he likes to spend most of the day sleeping.

'It is wonderful and magical to see a giant American Black Bear put his arm around a Bengal and then to see the tiger nuzzle up to the bear like a domestic cat.

'When Leo wakes up the three of them mess around for most of the day before they settle down to some food.'

Surprisingly for three apex predators with the power to kill with a single bite or swipe of their paw, they are very relaxed around each other.

'They eat, sleep and play together,' said Jama.

'As they treat each other as siblings they will lie on top of each other for heat and simply for affection.

'At the moment they are getting used to their new habitat.

'Shere Khan is being quite reticent about the move, but Baloo, the bear, is very good at leading him on and making him feel comfortable and safe.'

Explaining that the three 'brothers' have always seemed to share a unique bond, Charles said: 'Noah's Ark is their home and they could not possibly be separated from each other.

'You just have to remember who you're dealing with when you are with them, though.

'It's when you forget that these fellows are wild animals that you get yourself in trouble.'

The trio's new habitat had to be constructed carefully, in order to accommodate its occupants.

Jama said: 'The clubhouse had to be very sturdy for the guys, because they all sleep in it together,'

She added: 'We had to include a creek, because the tiger and the bear both like to be in water.'

"Business trip or vacation?"

Thanks to Ray M.

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and as he settled in to his seat, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him!!

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business, I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the States."

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed, when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."

"Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it's men of Greek descent."

"We've also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable, and blushed. "I'm sorry, l do apologise, I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but me friends call me Paddy."

Quiz for people who know everything!

Thanks to Tony

I found out in a hurry that I didn't.

These are not trick questions.

They are straight questions with straight answers.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the

spectators nor the participants know the score or the

leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly

moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce

on their own for several growing seasons. All other

vegetables must be replanted every year.

What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores,

you can buy pear brandy, with a real

pear inside the bottle. Th e pear is whole and ripe, and the

bottle is genuine, it hasn't been cut in any way.

How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters

"dw" and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can

you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen,

canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6

or more things that you can wear on your feet

beginning with the letter "S."

Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the

spectators nor the participants know the score or the

leader until the contest ends.

Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving

backward.

Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two

and a half feet each year because of the millions of

gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on

their own for several growing seasons.

Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the

outside.

Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle?

It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear

buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the

tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing

season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at

the stems.

6. Three English words beginning with dw.

Dwarf, dwell and dwindle. (Isn't "Dweeb" a word?)

Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Period,

comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe,

questionmark, exclamation point, quotation mark,

brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned,

processed, cooked, or in any other form but

fresh.

Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet

beginning with "S".

Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates,

snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART ... Today is National Mental

Health Day. You can do your part by remembering to send

this e-mail to at least one unstable person.

Well, my job's done!

Too much techno

Thanks to Tony