Sunday Family Humour 29th November 2009 Page 3

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

A very special thank you to all contributors.

Mona Lisa in Sydney

Thanks to Tony

Artist assistants stand next to 3,604 cups of coffee which have been made into a giant Mona Lisa in Sydney , Australia .

The 3,604 cups of coffee were each filled with different amounts of milk to create the different shades!!

Hollywood Squares

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!

Grandma

Thanks to David H.

Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting

Their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in

His son's medicine cabinet, he asked

About using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should

Take one Dad; they're very strong

And very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to

Try one, and before we leave in the

Morning, I'll put the money

Under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found

$110 under the pillow. He called

Grandpa and said, "I told

You each pill was

$10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The

Hundred is from

Grandma!"

Paul Schoenkopf's Sunday Funnies

Thanks to David H.

The man who forgot to buy turkey for Thanksgiving

It's the day before Thanksgiving,

and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

"Please let me in," says the man desperately.

"I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."

"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left."

He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's one last scrawny turkey left.

He brings it out to show the man.

"That one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.

"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"

~~~~~~~

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.

Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.

She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey.

She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,

"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep, SHE'S BLONDE!

~~~~~~~~~~~

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy,

"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For Sale :

Wedding dress, size 8.

Worn once by mistake.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but

when they go, they take your house and car.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

"Look Miss," said the foreman,

"Have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.?

"I've been divorced three times."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JUST THINK:

If the Indians would have killed a Cat instead of a Turkey, we'd all be eating Pussy for Thanksgiving.

~~~~~~~~~

For those with some high school Latin:

In Roman times there was a centurion going from Glevum to Corinium.

He was thirsty and stopped for a drink about where the 'Highwayman' now is.

He asked the barman for a martinus.

The barman said: "Don't you mean a martini?"

The centurion said: "When I want a double I'll ask for one!"

~~~~~~~

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while

when he came into the house and asked her,

"Grandma, what's that called when 2 people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth.

"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

"Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse."

"It's called Bunk Beds."

"And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."

~~~~~~~

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read:

'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, 'The Daily Advertiser', a local newspaper in Lafayette reported the following:

'After digging as deep as 30 feet in rice fields near Forked Island , Boudreaux, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.

Boudreaux has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Louisiana had already gone wireless.'

~~~~~~~

The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation...

No one wants him to leave.

Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and

Otago, stands up and proclaims:

"If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,

"if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,

"if the Vicar stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

"Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed

you to say that?"

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding

his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F**k the Vicar'.

~~~~~~

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says:

'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies:

'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.

I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?'

'A Harley Davidson', was the biker's response.

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.'

~~~~~~~~

GOLF'S WORST FOURSOME

1. MONICA LEWINSKY

2. O.J. SIMPSON

3. TED KENNEDY

4. BILL CLINTON

WHY, YOU ASK? Well, you're going to love this!

1. MONICA IS A HOOKER

2. O.J. IS A SLICER

3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER , AND.....

4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST

~~~~~~~

Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.

-- Winston Churchill

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~

'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered..

But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:

'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.

I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;

and to have the two as close together as possible.-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.- - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;

if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.-- Groucho Marx

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.-- Will Rogers

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty , but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

~~~~~~

A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson:

"You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf.

You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered"

---------------

A young man and a priest are playing together.

At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you"?

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

---------------

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did."

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, Maybe seven times . Just put me down for a five."

---------------

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing;

the ball hit a tree, bounced back hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked,

"Are you a good golfer," to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

---------------

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, " This isn't going to take all day, is it?

~~~~~~~

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

~~~~~~~

West Virginia

GOOD:

In Elkins, a West Virginia State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any.

Then he discovered the problem.

A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD!' The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER:

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Fairmont , WV A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST:

A young woman was pulled over in Morgantown , WV for speeding. As the WV State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the West Virginia State Police Ball.'

He replied, ' West Virginia State Troopers don't have balls.'

There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brotherly Love

Sadie was making some pancakes as a treat for her two young sons, Simon and Nicky.

But the boys began to argue as to who should get the first pancake she made.

"Shame on you boys," said Sadie.

"If the wise King Solomon were here today, he would say, 'let my brother have the first pancake'."

Nicky looked at Simon and said, "OK, Simon, you be King Solomon today."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Virtue in the middle,” said the devil, as he sat down between the two lawyers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE QUEEN AND DOLLY PARTON GO TO HEAVEN

Queen Elizabeth and