Sunday Family Humour 13th September

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

A very special thank you to all contributors.

Page 1 Page 2

100 Facts

Thanks to DH

1) Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

2) Cat: The Other White Meat

3) Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!

4) Don't Be Sexist - Chicks Hate That

5) Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

6) Save the Unborn Gay Whales

7) If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little better.

8) My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

9) PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals

10) To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.

11) If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek counseling.

12) Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

13) If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

14) Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.

15) It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

16) If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass !

17) You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

18) The Earth Is Full - Go Home

19) I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha

20) This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

21) So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

22) Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

23) If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

24) What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull

25) Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

26) Illiterate? Write For Help Edmonton car

27) Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition

28) Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes

29) He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

30) I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

31) You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

32) I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

33) Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!

34) It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

35) I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

36) If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off... [Seen On The Back Of A biker's Vest]

37) Boldly Going . . . Nowhere

38) Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

39) Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

40) Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

41) Guys: No Shirt, No Service; Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To be Seen On A Restaurant]

42) If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets

43) How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is lost?

44) Ax Me About Ebonics

45) Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

46) I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

47) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

48) MAKE LOVE NOT WAR (see driver for details)

49) Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

50) Few women admit their age... Fewer men act it.

51) Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

52) I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her.

53) I have P.M.S. and a gun; Any questions !?!

54) Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

55) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

56) Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.

57) Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

58) I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

59) Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

60) All men are idiots, and I married their King.

61) What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

62) No radio - Already stolen.

63) Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

64) Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

65) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

66) According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

67) Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

68) Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

69) A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

70) Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

71) How can I miss you if you won't go away?

72) Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

73) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... Edmonton Car Front

74) There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

75) Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

76) Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

77) I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

78) EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

79) I love animals, they taste great.

80) Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

81) He who laughs last thinks slowest!

82) Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

83) We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

84) Backoff I'm a postal worker.

85) Too Close for Missiles, Switching to Guns

86) I'm not in heat SO GET OFF MY TAIL!

87) Go ahead and honk. I'm reloading.

88) This minivan protected by a pissed off mother with a .45 auto.

89) If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!

90) Caution! Driver's applying make-up

91) Caution I swerve and hit people at random.

92) Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?

93) Wisconsin: Smell our dairy air!

94) Honk if you hate noise pollution

95) Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.

96) Honk if parts fall off!

97) My other car is a Zamboni

98) Bright red meat is good for you. Fuzzy green meat is not good for you.

99) Zero to Bitch in 4.0 Seconds

100) TLA, just another Three Letter Acronym.

To receive the weekly link to the latest Sunday Family humour,

send an email to dgwest7@gmail.com

saying subscribe Sunday Family Humour.

No costs, nothing else needed. Welcome and thank you.

Swiss at the Edinburgh Tattoo

Thanks to Ray

Stevie and Tiger

Thanks to DH

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'

Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'